Fair Co- Parenting... Does it Exist?
Ok so for background...I have a son 7, my fiancé has a daughter 5. He has been consistently around my son since he was 4 and I was around his daughter since she was around 2. He has always had a "go with the flow" visitation arrangement,there were never dates set in stone. When we met, BM was scorned from the break up and only allowed a 6 hr visitation at her house each sunday. That changed once she moved on but once he began having her, he would cater to her every whim- even when it meant going against all forms of better judgement. He lets her eat what she wants, gets to play at the table and get up as she pleases, screams at everyone in the house to get her way, refuses to share etc. My issue is that he comes down VERY hard on my son for all of these things and more but his daughter floats on by. This has been brought to him and his excuse is his guilt that he hasn't always had her as much so he doesn't want to spend his time fighting with her (he means disciplining her). She has truly learnt the art of manipulation by this and I feel that the house hold is really feeling the toll. We have recently moved out of province, as there was 0 work for him and we were unable to meet basic requirements for living. We have just got his daughter for the summer and she is out of control and I have no idea how to proceed. She refuses to eat anything except unhealthy things which makes every meal a task because he wants me to make something separate and then my son wants it too but do I really want him to eat crappy food for the next month? So I'm choosing between feeding him hot dogs every day for a month or treating him unfairly. Then there are issues like rewards (treats) he's expected to eat his full meal, be courteous and kind, do chores etc in order to get his but she scrapes by and throws a fit and he wants me to give her equal, I just can't. I'm concerned what this effect will have on my son, he is being taught that he can just be difficult to get his way and it just throws off all that we work for. Please give me advice on how to blend without sounding like an evil stepmother!
I'm the designated watch dog
I'm the designated watch dog while dads at work!
No, I definitely didn't.
No, I definitely didn't. We're both originally from here so it made sense both financially and with a terminally ill family member (plus I have a larger support system here should s*** hit the fan).
He doesn't want to put her in anything like that when he could have her home with us (I'm currently not working until my next year in uni starts in the fall)
I try telling him what everyone says... if she's hungry enough she'll eat and that she'll learn eventually. He says its not worth it because when she goes back to her moms, nothing will continue and she'll go back to old habits. Or he says he doesn't want to make it so that she doesn't want to come here anymore because her mom lets her do what she wants. I respond with thats not our faults, but then I get played like the bitter new woman.
Purge your house of all the
Purge your house of all the crap she likes, prepare the meals you want to prepare, and serve them. She will eat if she is hungry enough. DH is creating a monster. Special Snowflake thinks the universe revolves around her. This is the beginning of antisocial behavior.
Had a lot of eating issues in
Had a lot of eating issues in our home too... SS was used to getting what he wanted when he wanted.
Thankfully SO has seen the light and slowly put his foot down... SS went from being a bratty (though sweet) kid to a very sweet kid who toes the line. He's learned that if he plays our game, he has a pleasant time.... but if he doesn't want to play... he gets benched.
If was a rough time for SO when he first started saying No to his son about some things... I'd say a good week to 10 days of monster...and I mean MONSTER tantrums and another week of mini-tantrums before SS got the clue that tantrums weren't going to work anymore...
What made is easier on SO was the thought that if he didn't say no to his son, his son would end up getting used to being entitled along with a tantrum every time he's said no to... or did he want to piss off a 3 year old who wouldn't remember this 6 months down the road to have some peace and less behavioral issues... SO chose wisely.
Why are you letting him "come
Why are you letting him "come down very hard" on your son? He shouldn't be disciplining your son - you should do it. You take care of your child and let him take care of his.
Remind him that kids
Remind him that kids eventually grow up and they'll either respect or disrespect their parent based on whether or not they ACTUALLY did the job.
My mom let my siblings and I get away with all sorts of things while my dad was strict. She was the cool one until we were maybe 16 or so, then we realized, my dad was the actual parent who loved us. I'm pretty sure all of us have WAY more respect and admiration for my dad compared to my mom.
Thanks. My issue is, other
Thanks. My issue is, other than this, we have an amazing relationship. I would hate to see it ruined because my son resents him. Thanks for your positive input.
How do YOU support
How do YOU support yourself?
You wrote you do not work?? But you have a child,,,so how do you support your child AND yourself?
Although I'm not sure what
Although I'm not sure what this has to do with anything I've addressed, I'm currently receiving EI (which I've qualified for because I've worked since I was legally able to) as I moved for a spouse. I'm staying off work while we have her and will be in school PT and work FT come September.
You aren't married though so
You aren't married though so you didn't move for a spouse. As about moving my DH relocated as well, but he found a job first.
I think you not working is related to the issue. If you were working, you wouldn't be watching his kid and fussing over her meals. He'd have to figure something else. Day care or babysitter for example where they don't fuss over food.
I'd never allow any men "to come Down VERY hard" on my child. Why is he disciplining your kid? And why are you ok with it? Is there a father in the picture? I'd also never quit my job so I can watch kid that isn't mine, am not even married and all while my own kid is being treated harshly. No man is worth it.
We're common law and have
We're common law and have been together long enough to be considered married- otherwise the government would have rejected me, so yes, I did move for a spouse as thats what it even says on T4 slips, its just the lingo they use.
You're right that me not working contributes to the issue. Unfortunately it was decided before the visitation was planned.
He disciplines because he's there and my son's dad is not in the picture nor has he ever been. He is trying to take on the 'fatherly' role as my son has never had one.
I did not quit my job for my fiancé or to watch his daughter, if you read my original post. I quit so that we could move to be close to a terminally ill family member, to get ahead financially as we were living in an area that has the terrible economy and because I have a larger support system.
Thanks for clarification re
Thanks for clarification re job.
I honestly think that "coming down hard" on children isn't necessarily taking "fatherly" role with a child. It's bullying, not parenting. He needs to focus on his own child and you focus on yours. Your child will eventually resent you for choosing such a man. It's not your child's fault he has no father so he doesn't need to pay for it by having unfair man "parenting" him.
Time for webcams and audio
Time for webcams and audio recorders. When he pulls the double standard crap.... smack him with the video and audio recordings of his abject failure as a parent.
Lather, rinse, repeat.....
Or better yet..... move on and find a partner with some testicular fortitude when it comes to parenting.
Good luck.
This sounds eerily similar to
This sounds eerily similar to my situation.
Moved in not long ago with my 2 sons and FDH. He gets his daughter every other day on a good week - when mother is cooperating. }:)
I have always been strict with my kids when it comes to meal times and he NEVER was with her. I think its important to have the same rules and standards across the board. If she refuses to eat her broccoli why should mine have to? Its not fair and i had to bring it up. I will not sit back and have my kids be treated differently. He brought up the fact that he doesn't get to see his daughter everyday and wanted that time to be happy for her and not full of tears and arguments. His family is actually the same way and coddles her and lets her get away with not eating meals because they want her to WANT to see them. There are other ways for that to happen. I also think kids flourish in an environment where there ARE rules and cant just freely do as they please.
Let your fiance know that rules apply to everyone in the house and that its not fair to your son.
GL!