They then went on to inform us how much money our portion for paying for their wedding will be

I'm sorry, this is just plain rude and I would not pay one penny towards their wedding.

As far as not inviting you to the the bridal shower, that was rude, also and I would just tell your husband what you've told us. You found out there was a bridal shower and you were not even invited, even though your money is good enough to help pay for the wedding.

Your husband should also know that his son does not have ANY manners. Not even a "thank you"? Nice.

There's no law that says you must be invited to a wedding shower. Just like there is no law that says you need to spend one thin dime of your money if you don't wholeheartedly wish to do so.

Do what you can to gather your money and your dignity, and smile graciously all the way to the nearest cocktail bar.

It just amazes me how someone can just assume their parents will pay for their wedding. I honestly am amazed. When I got married the first time, I had no intentions of asking my parents for money. They surprised me by purchasing my wedding dress, which was huge. But I never would have considered asking them to pay THOUSANDS. And had I expected it, they would have set that straight right away... NO WAY.

My second wedding was put together in a few short weeks.
I will be damned if I was going to be expected to foot the bill for a grown persons wedding. I would agree to gift my kids a monetary gift of MY choosing to help them toward a honeymoon or future home, but never would I allow them to dictate the amount.

I think you were dissed - but I have lived in areas where there was not ONE big bridal shower. A bride had multiple small showers, and they usually were split up by family. One shower with the bride's relatives, one with the groom's relatives, one with the bride's friends, maybe one with the bride's work buddies, etc.

In that situation I would not expect to be invited to all the showers. In fact it's considered rude to invite someone to more than one shower.

But in your case I think you were excluded. So now you know. You don't have to do squat for them.

Forget the shower.

I'm wondering how you managed to keep from laughing in their faces when they TOLD you how much money you were going to fork over for THEIR wedding. :sick: :sick:

Sounds like DH just arbitrarily decided to spend joint marital funds as his contribution to SS wedding.

This is exactly why I keep preaching that in marriages where there are skids, there should be separate finances maintained, meaning each spouse pays his/her own money only toward any skid support. The only funds co-mingled should be mutual living expenses between spouses. Any person who objected to that arrangement wouldn't get the time of day from me.

It's never too late to revert to that arrangement if one spouse proves themself to be an unfair spender. May mean the end of the relationship, but who wants a relationship where one's partner is spending away retirement funds?

Getting left out of showers etc is par for the SM course. Actually, I'm always quite glad to be left out...saves me money! Weddings are way over emphasised anyway.

I'm not near as excited over the shower as I was to funding arrangements of the wedding. So who all is funding the wedding? Dad/you, BM, and ? Do I assume the bride-to-be parent/s also? And the bride and groom, they are footing some of the cost too, right?

As to the shower, being it was giving by the bride's mother, I would not get too upset unless I also hear this is the one and only shower tat is being thrown. Of course you and BM could and should have been invited, but it's usually not the bride's mother who host the shower/s. Was this one perhaps really just a bunch of the older female friends of the mother of the bride?

FWIW, no one who orders my cash (and especially the amount I will be giving) with a three month or less notice and does not consult with me? Well, if that wedding hinged on my contribution , let's just say there would be no wedding this September. The unfolding events as you've relayed them is just not how I roll. I don't have a kid or stepkid who would think I do or should either (and yes, DH and I have 5 kids total)

Since you actually had the MOB/FOB over to your home for dinner, it makes this whole situation very distasteful.

It is obvious that the BM takes precedence with the future in-laws since she was invited to the shower. I am sure that the MOB spoke with BM and asked how she felt about having you there. You got your answer.

Just be prepared for more exclusion. Don't expect to be included in anything to do with this wedding or events related to it. Even though you are the wife of the groom's father, that doesn't seem to count for anything.

This is my mantra related to an upcoming SD/skid wedding: "Expect nothing."

Weddings can be a real hot-bed of emotion and turmoil. I plan to just sit back and keep my mouth shut, unless I am flat-out insulted or severely disrespected like being made to sit alone at another table. My SO forked over CONSIDERABLE money for this show, enough to cover the entire wedding AND honeymoon.

I am sure that my SD will only grudgingly include me wherever necessary just enough to keep her dad pacified.

You may want to address your concerns with your DH and see if he can get affirmative answers on what the plans are for seating, etc. This is going to be a large wedding and it's best to know up-front. I've tried getting my SO to ask a few basic questions, like what are the seating plans, but he is scared to death to even ask his princess any questions whatsoever about what she wants to do. That's why I expect nothing.

I've already steeled myself to just quietly get up and walk out if something causes me distress. I will plead a migraine due to all the "excitement." I would rather SD (and her father) have her fairy-tale wedding than create any kind of drama.