My Story- Feeling blind sided
I never realized I had an issue until I started connecting the dots. Got with my now husband, who was a family friend for years, then moved an hour away from 2 of my kids and took the 3rd with me. The youngest started high school in our new town, which I had moved to since she would have 2 step brothers nearby. NOT! Never have they ever participated in my daughters life probably because of their controlling and jealous wives. Older SDIL is super tight with pshcho ex-wife.. and that's where it all starts. Gskids are used as property and I have never been able to get close to them.. it goes on and on..currently fighting with husband because he will not dare ruffle a single feather on little princes heads- oh yeah- also defends both step devil DIL's over me..UGH!! Any thoughts??
I do think reassess what you
I do think reassess what you want out of this marriage is a good plan. Adult men are not realistically going to take an interest in a teen girl because their father married her mother.
Perhaps start thinkin of SSs and their wives as distant acquaintances you see at parties from time to time. Polite, cordial, not worth quarreling with or over.
Best of luck.
My OSD, in her 40's, has zero
My OSD, in her 40's, has zero interest in both of my children, now young adults. And that's fine. My kids have full lives; they don't need OSD.
I think you really wanted your family to blend with your DHs family. That's normal. But reality is that you married DH, not his family. His kids are adults with their own lives. And since you know they have aligned with BM, best to just stay away from them.
i also agree that you are
i also agree that you are expecting too much. adults skids almost always dont care about who their father married. i married dh when the skids were in nappies. they are now adults and on their own. i dont have contact with them unless dh invites them over.
I thought, like many others,
I thought, like many others, that my ss's were older and would not have skid issues. I bragged that I am golden because they are older. I never got the memo until I started researching online adult step kids. I almost fell out of my chair. My husband made it a selling point to move to that town- the fact that we had family there and I fell for it. That is 3 yrs in the making. She is now a senior in high school. They never had a sister so why wouldn't they have a relationship with her. But bottom line is their mommy wives. Both of them hands down married venomous girls. The few times they were around her it was great. When the wives weren't around. The SDIL's are always there period. Always up ss's asses. So I think that too has played a roll. But theres so much more. Older SDIL is sick with control. We can't do anything w/ gskids unless she is in the room. Literally. So I tried volunteering at gskid school. She put the brakes on that too. I finally saw the pattern. And what does hubby do nothing- take up for her. Kinda creeps me out actually. Take up for sdil before me? I am struggling.
"I thought, like many others,
"I thought, like many others, that my ss's were older and would not have skid issues. " Same with me. The SDs were 23 and 21 when their parents divorced, 29 and 27 when their father married me. They did not grow up in a broken home. Rather, they grew up thinking they were entitled and that daddy was Chump Daddy who could bail them out when they needed it.
Chances are your skids don't consider your DD their sister - they consider her your daughter only. But here's another aspect - even if she were their biological sister, how much time would married men with their own children be spending with a teenage girl?
Your DH knows SDIL is a a control freak and he does not want to lose access to his gkids. From his perspective, he is willing to be a doormat, you married him, so you should be willing to be a doormat too. If I were you, I would not have such a close relationship that I would be trying to volunteer at gskid's school. I would be polite to gskid, but not develop an emotional tie (it was too late in my case, but I moved on) to the gskids.
I thought the right thing to
I thought the right thing to do would be to treat all the gkids equally. Bio and step. Plus I love doing it. I am learning.
Welcome to the club! I too
Welcome to the club! I too had no idea just how much drama marrying a man w/adult sons would be. I spent the first 2 1/2 years of marriage w/DH trying to *blend* with his sons/gskids trying to make them all like me. I kept wondering what *I* was doing wrong and why they didn't accept me.
A few things I now realize:
They would hate anyone that dad married, unless he remarried BM.
I am in no way grandma, BM is. DH is barely grandpa and has to kowtow and keep shelling out $$$ to keep that role.
The ss's and gskids are DH's family not mine.
It's better not to say anything about skids or engage DH in conversation about them because the conversation inevitably turns into why SM hates the skids.
I'm DH's wife not their anything.
About grown ss's being involved in dd teenagers life. These are grown married men, fathers, who likely don't care in the least what's going on w/their teen step sister. The wives probably ARE jealous because your dd is young and cute. I wouldn't want my husband super involved w/an 18(ish) year old woman who is not blood related to him. Weird things can happen when you force familiarity upon unrelated people. When ss26 first met dd22 she was 19 and drop dead gorgeous, tall, blonde, blue eyes.. ss26 started chasing her around the yard, playing tag, teasing her. SDIL evil eyed him and ss said, "What? I'm just having fun. I've never had a sister." It seemed very flirty and was awkward to say the least. Bottom line is they are not her brothers in any way. They're not there to look after her or be beacons in her life. They have wives and families of their own.
The best way I've found to navigate adult step life is by not blending, focusing on my marriage and family, and doing my own thing. Skids want a relationship w/their father not me and I'm ok with that.
Thanks still learning! You
Thanks still learning! You just mirrored my situation perfectly! I too have not only a 17yo daughter but a 23 yo one as well and they are both beautiful. So I am very confident that is threatening to the evil SDIL devils.
This site is better than
This site is better than paying for therapy sessions. I had a horrible vicious step mother of my own that lit up a cigarette around me when my dad walked out of the room. I was 8 mos preggo and made it clear to not smoke around me. I always swore that if I got with someone that had kids I would be good to them. Even throwing a baby shower for older SDIL when I was only a GF at the time. What a damn idiot I have been.
Many of us could write books
Many of us could write books with the things we did to try to win over our skids. Cringeworthy things. And that didn't matter one bit. Dh got thanked, not me (another common theme here).
It's taken time, but I've learned to not take it personally. My OSD has morphed from someone I wanted to have a relationship with to just my DH's poorly behaved middle aged daughter.
It IS hard to know what the
It IS hard to know what the right path is when trying to create a relationship with someone who despises you for something you have nothing to do with. Like you, I decided not to scream, get emotionally abusive or get physical with SD - even though she did with me. I just don't think it's necessary unless you need to physically defend yourself. The thing is - I didn't EVER defend myself for over 20 years and by that time it was too late.
It WAS a learning experience though. I learned that I will never put up with anything less than mutual respect - and that goes for everyone. If I could do it all over again, I would have realized that there would NEVER be a 'right path' to take with SD to gain her approval. The only thing I would have done differently would be to expect mutual respect at the beginning of the marriage. If it meant the end of the marriage so be it.
I read a quote today (unknown author): People always think that the most painful thing in life is losing the one you value. The truth is, the most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of valuing someone too much and forgetting that you are special too.
That is my quote of the day
That is my quote of the day
Thanks step aside. I feel
Thanks step aside. I feel literally 100% better after reading all of this advise. I was considering myself doing the right thing and being loyal to my husband by trying to create some type of blended family for us. Never expected the Brady Bunch but a little something. I was classic naïve . No idea, whatsoever what I got myself into. And I got into it with the exwife right off the bat when we got together. She cheated, married the guy she cheated with and then continued to make unwanted calls to him when there was no need to. He didn't have the balls to stop it so I called her husband. Caused a huge fight and I was always uneasy in my new town after this. I just needed to lay down the law . So maybe that never sat well with my SS's but I could care less. She was the town whore from what I have learned and even left them as small children with my now husband. But on the flip side all is good on my end. My kids are loving and respectful to my husband and I have a grandson that I can be what I need to be to him.