Help, my partner is annoyed when I help with his daughter
Hi, I am new to this site and hoping for some perspective. My partner of three years has a 4 year old daughter that lives 3 hours away and who I believe suffers from PAS at the hands of her BM and Bio Grandmother. He is currently in court with the BM to modify custody and presently gets her only one weekend a month.
I know he can be overwhelmed and exhausted at times, often coming off of a 24 hour shift, heading straight to pick her up and straight back home. Because of this I will often help take the burden off him in whatever way I can...buying groceries and snacks for her stay in advance, picking up some new clothes, toys, etc to make her feel like she isn't just a visitor, but has a home here. Sometimes he asks for help or shows appreciation for it...shoots me a text to exchange a shoe size or thanks me for something I took the reigns with.
This past week, while looking into her school attendance policies for his custody case I happened upon the parent page, found her summer reading list for kindergarten and her school supply list. Working in an office setting I was able to get most of the school supplies without a hitch and printed out her summer assignments for him. In addition to it being good for her, it helps to show the court initiative is being taken to participate in her education while circumventing nasty, condescending conversations with the BM.
We had what I thought was a great weekend. I helped care for her while he regrouped after their return. After she was returned to her primary home he basically told me it annoys him when I do things for his daughter and that part of it is just that fact that he hates her mother so much after everything that occurred that it is difficult watching anyone behave "motherly" toward her. Amongst other things, specifically, he was annoyed about the school supplies.
He admits that he knows he should feel appreciative but that it actually puts him off to me because he starts to associate me and our relationship with the negativity that presently surrounds his relationship with his daughter, her mother, and court. He also said that he feels like he is doing a good job, till I come along and do something that reminds him of his short comings (I'm paraphrasing his sentiment) That I should just let him crash and burn if need be. And although I can understand his feelings, the consequences of that especially while currently in court seem too dire to just sit back and stop assisting him with her in ways that are no trouble to me and come naturally. The outcome of the trial could directly effect the future for years to come, and so long as we are a couple, me as well.
Oddly, some things don't bother him, as he was happy to have the reading assignments, also appreciated me getting groceries. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to which actions annoy him and which don't or why.
I am trying to find my place as his partner and her SM without overstepping my bounds, but getting no clear parameters on what he needs or doesn't is making it difficult to identify that. I want her to be comfortable when she comes to visit, but I also want him to be as well. I'm confused. Any advice or feedback would be appreciated.
Maybe it's all in the
Maybe it's all in the approach. Do you just jump in and do these things or do you discuss them with him first? When you found the reading and supply list, did you ask him if he would like for you to assist in obtaining the supplies? He may view it as you taking over as "parent" instead of being supportive of him parenting his child.
Thank you for the reply. I
Thank you for the reply. I did not ask him before obtaining most of the supplies as they were two doors down from my desk. I did however need to purchase a few thereafter as we don't keep things like crayons and glue sticks at work. When we met up after work I showed him the supply list and what I did get, then asked if he wanted to take a ride to get the rest. He said no, he was tired and wanted to sleep. I said okay no problem, I'll get them while you sleep. At no point then did he express annoyance about it in the moment. In fact, while I was out I get a text "can you pick up some water balloons for her," which I did along with the crayons and glue. I also always show or give him anything prior to giving it to his daughter...so even if I don't ask preemptively, he is fully aware and is usually the one to give her the items. In fact, she is usually left with the impression that these items are from her father, which I am totally fine with. I guess I need to be more cognizant and not act on anything without asking first.
Exactly!! Maybe you should
Exactly!! Maybe you should have asked him first
Step back and just focus on
Step back and just focus on being his GF. Leave all the parenting stuff to him. If he needs or wants help, he will ask for it.
If he's going for more custody, that should be based on his ability to step up and do all of the parenting. It's nice to have help, but it should be based on his ability to parent his kid, not yours
I don't disagree. I believe
I don't disagree. I believe he is a great father, I just don't think he gives thought to those types of things since their time together is limited at present. By the time something like getting her school supplies came to him mid-august or so they would have long been purchased by her BM or BG...and it would have been just another thing BM would have thrown in his face.
Since he was particularly
Since he was particularly annoyed about the school supplies maybe you could clarify what does working in an office setting has to do with anything. Do you work at Staples and get a discount or something?
My point was that it didn't
My point was that it didn't require any time, energy, or forethought...just an impromptu moment that I believed would have made his life a bit easier.
Perhaps he wanted to take the
Perhaps he wanted to take the girl shopping and let her pick out cute school supplies. If you got things from work, then I bet they are not things a kid heading off to kindergarten would have picked out.
By stepping in you took away a fun thing that many parents and kids look forward to doing.
Do you two live together?
Do you two live together? I'm annoyed just reading this and picturing myself in your boyfriend's shoes. If I haven't seen my daughter in close to a month and my boyfriend comes in and is trying to do everything for me, I would be annoyed.
Part of being a parent is feeling like you're needed by your child, like you are doing something good for them, feeding them, buying them clothes, etc. You are overstepping, you probably aren't even giving them any time alone.
Next time, don't be there that Friday night when he gets her, don't shop, don't even go to his house, wait for him to invite you over or maybe go on an outing over the weekend. You aren't even letting him be a father, I understand that you like to be helpful, but if you keep this up, in a few months you will be on here bitching that you aren't appreciated.
We live together, EXCEPT when
We live together, EXCEPT when she is visiting. The court order has his previous address listed which is his mother's house, so when she comes for the weekend they sleep there, but much of his Saturday with her is spent here. I don't insist or force him. He calls me when she wakes up to tell me what time they will be coming back to the house, for example, or lets me know where he wants me to meet them for an outing. Most of the time he even invites me for the long ride during the pick-up or drop-off. I sometimes drive the way back so he can nap before he heads straight into work. It is why I say it is difficult to know what he is comfortable with. As more often then not he is welcoming the assistance.
Thank you, doing absolutely
Thank you, doing absolutely nothing at all will probably be easier than figuring out what is helpful and what is hurtful.
He/We probably won't purchase property till court is settled and the lawyers paid...and I did start renting this place years before I met him, but it don't find it at all troubling that we live here together now.
Yes, for years, up until
Yes, for years, up until shortly after his daughter was conceived.
Uhm, I can't get past that
Uhm, I can't get past that you took supplies from your employer. That is theft.
Sure, everybody puts a pen in their purse or pocket now and then, or uses the copy machine for personal documents once in a while. But to deliberately take supplies meant for the company is stealing. You sure wouldn't be working for me.
Wow, there are a lot of
Wow, there are a lot of assumptions happening there.
Then why don't you explain
Then why don't you explain what you did? Based on what you posted, it sounds like you helped yourself to some of the office supplies that were on the kid's supply list.
If this man has never lived on his own with his child and been 100% responsible for her during his time, you are headed for a world of trouble.
I didn't explain cause the
I didn't explain cause the details weren't relevant to the situation, but for stating the ability to get them without much inconvenience. I work for my employer for 18 years...we share an office desk to desk. She is not only my boss but a good friend, like family, and fully aware of what is going on both inside and outside of the office.
I've been with my employer
I've been with my employer for a long time too, and she knows what's going on in my life and we are friendly but I still would never take school supplies home, i don't understand why you took office supplies home? It seems such strange thing to do.
Is your BF so broke that he can't buy it?
You make a really good point.
You make a really good point. It certainly was never my intention to parent her, merely help him. I can see why he may feel insecure in his position when I extend myself. The BM gives him so little say regarding her as it is right now. I will keep this is mind whenever I feel the urge to "help."
I appreciate your insight and
I appreciate your insight and advice. I have actually spent a bit of time today reading some of the other boards...scary.
he complains cause you help
:jawdrop: he complains cause you help his daughter.... he wants to help her.... he definatly does not want his daughter to get attached to you
:jawdrop: he moves out every time his daughter visits and then come back like you are merely the nanny?
2 red flags Hon, ignore it or run, your choice
My step daughter is a tomboy
My step daughter is a tomboy and does not care for fashion at all. And in many ways, I find that refreshing. My bio daughter is a total girly girl and it can get annoying. But my step daughter doesn't just not care about fashion...she dresses very slovenly and sloppily. I honestly feel embarrassed to be with her in public most of the time.
A few years ago, I thought maybe I could help. I may not be able to influence her fashion...but I could at least buy her clothes that fit her (she's obese and was constantly wearing clothes 2-3 sizes too small for her) and were not stained and filled with holes.
My husband would get angry. He would say I was buying her clothes that were too big. He implied that I was being vain. He doesn't seem to care if she tries to wear sweatpants to a pool party in 100 degree weather. He never noticed the times she would leave the house without a bra or underwear.
I stopped trying to help. I've just accepted it. She may always be like this and I don't want to be the one causing strife.
But I admit, the other day, we were at the grocery store and someone, thinking she is my bio daughter, said she looks just like me. I was dying inside.