11 year old son not accepting bf still after a year
I have been dating someone for a little over a year now. He has 3 adult kids (I've posted about the daughters before and ones recent wedding in another forum)and I have 2 boys. One is 11, the other is 23. Anyway, when we first started dating, it was bad. I took my son to counseling it was so dramatic. it helped some but not a lot. Both of us have been divorced for years so it's not a fresh wound for any of the kids. My 11 year old's father though has made things difficult in the past because of his jealousy and never truly moving on or having hopes we would one day get back together. I have no idea why.
Anyway, my BF has given up I think with my son and neither of them makes any effort with each other. as soon as my son gets back from his dad's house, he started acting distant again and doesn't want my bf around. he has always said he just wants me to himself - I have read about the loyalty to his dad, etc. I get it but bothers me a lot. the kid issues make it almost impossible to have a healthy relationship and it's truly exhausting.
Our divorce decree states any man cannot spend the night at my house with my son there. So, right before my BF goes out of town to work - he falls asleep at my house. it's storming that morning and my son wakes up and finds him there. he is really mad. he proceeds to pour a bottle of water on my carpet in the hallway and later I find out under a couch cushion on the floor.
My boyfriend has just gotten a new sports car about a month ago. when he went out of town last time, he had his daughter drop him off at work. so I ask him, can I drop you off at work - his work is about 5 miles from my house. he says no, there isn't enough time. I said yes there is. what is the real issue here? he won't answer me and later after i continue to ask - says he doesn't want to leave his car at my house because "your son doesn't like me and he is destructive." this just hit a nerve with me. I am pissed. I said then you should never have your car at my house when my son is here. we have been fighting all week over this or not talking because I think that is ridiculous. first of all, like I would let my son do anything to his precious vehicle and second of all, pouring water on the floor and committing a felony are quite different and my son would never do such a thing! I am very offended and questioning how this will ever work. not a big deal to him but says volumes to me. how would I ever have a life with this man who thinks so negatively about my son - and who my son just doesn't seem to like. my bf does try with my son once in awhile but it's rare and usually they just don't speak.
opinions....................be gentle. haha
I'm on your BF's side, sorry
I'm on your BF's side, sorry but he's right.
You have to sit your son down and say to him, I'm done with your father, we will never get back together again and I don't care what he tells you, this is my house and you will respect Tom... I like him and we might get married one day, you do not have the power to choose my life for me, I'm the adult and you are the child, no stop this shit and get over it..
but it seems like you are the Disney Mum, you do not want to hurt your kid, cause you do not want to hear him saying, well I'm moving to Dad. You have to decide if "Tom" is the one and worth it, and then let your 11 year old choose his destiny.... if he chooses his father so be it, all you can do is say, Well kiddo I love you and you will be welcome at my house as long as you show respect to my partner.
ok guys - thanks. he does
ok guys - thanks. he does have daughters and they are adults and don't acknowledge me. it sucks. I have told my son it makes me unhappy - he says it makes him unhappy too and I don't care about him. of course, I tell him that is not true.
one thing we fight about is I get on to my son when he is disrespectful all the time but he won't say a word to his daughters. says what kind of difference has it made with your son? he says they are adults so it won't matter what I say. I say well, it lets them know you don't approve of it and expect respect.
I just don't know what to do. you are right though - I do not want my son deciding if we did get married that he wanted to live with dad. dads is not the best place for him at all. I had an older son do that when he was 17 and I was heartbroken. I do not want to go through that again. does not mean I do not punish my child for being disrespectful. I do. I am hardly a Disney mom.
and of course, son's dad told him about the not spending the night thing, not me. I think he asks him about us all the time. it's so ridiculous.
I'm betting your son has done
I'm betting your son has done more to your BF or his things than pouring water out.
My SDs, after the first year DH and I were together (ring-leader was then SD10), started messing with my stuff. At first I was like, oh, whatever, but it continued and got worse. DH didn't believe me or pooh-poohed it as normal kid stuff.
Until they poured comet scrub cleaner into my side of the bed, put nail polish in the book I was reading, tried to put nail polish all over my best purse (luckily it didn't adhere) and destroyed one of my lipsticks...all in one night, did he listen.
I now lock things up to this day (SD ringleader is now 13) and don't trust them two feet with any of my things, even though DH came down on both of them like a ton of bricks. (one of the only times he's done so)
I'm going with your BF on this one as well. He has every right to be concerned.
I think as long as you are
I think as long as you are letting your ex husband call the shots as to what happens in your house, then you will have trouble with any relationship. The kid is now 11. Challenge the court order unless BF has a criminal record or is a perv. It's time you got your life back and shut down the ex. If you don't, I can see BF proactively removing himself from the relationship..
I wouldn't leave my car
I wouldn't leave my car there, either. It only takes a moment and little ingenuity to drag a nail across paint.
Frankly, I just a bought a new car I love and I have maneuvered so that SD never ever rides in it. I would love a dog but I won't get one until she moves out. I could never let the dog out of my sight while she was there otherwise. If my own 2 dogs had still been here on Earth when I met dh I could never have married him. The way she treats her own dog (which I put a stop to at our house at least) no way would I trust her around my own.
You have to acknowledge that you are receiving outside feedback about the behavior of your child. The fact that you adore him and probably his grandparents and aunties do, too, means nothing. That's DNA. Your son will live increasingly in the outside world as he ages. What matters is does his behavior earn him friends and goodwill?
You have to accept that your kid has earned this opinion from your boyfriend. He will surely earn it from every boyfriend you ever have. What are you going to do about it?
About his daughters, you
About his daughters, you really have no leg to stand on since he experiences this hostile pre-teen on undoubtedly a much more frequent basis.
Try modelling some firm parenting before you ask him to do some.
Whenever I read that it's in
Whenever I read that it's in the divorce decree that there's to be "no overnight visits" - I want to gouge my eyes out. The fact that your EX has deemed it necessary to inform your son that it's there, involving him in very adult matters, yeah... no. I'd have a huge problem with this.
No sane, grown man wants to be controlled and exposed to vindictive behavior by an irrational, overly emotional mini ex-spouse that wants his mom all to himself. This is just so unhealthy.
Keep reminding yourself that what you allow is what will continue.
A handful of posts up. OP
A handful of posts up. OP says:
"and of course, son's dad told him about the not spending the night thing, not me. I think he asks him about us all the time. it's so ridiculous."
No problem.
No problem.
Can you say mini-husband? I
Can you say mini-husband? I have only heard of mini-wives, but I think you have the mini-husband version.
what is PAS? ok I used the
what is PAS? ok I used the same paternity decree I used with my oldest son's dad which had the no overnight guests. of course I didn't want to use it again but of course my ex thought it was great. I get it though. a child does not need to have mommy or daddy having overnights with the opposite sex unless they are serious or married. it does say it changes once I am married of course. It's too much of a hassle to change it now. I don't know why my ex is the way he is and believe me I have had many talks with him. the reason I'm not with him anymore - he is very hostile and there is no telling him anything. obviously he doesn't listen to me nor recognize what damages kids' emotional health. that's another topic altogether. I have no control over what goes on under his roof or what he tells my son. I definitely have stated my opinion on it though believe me. I am one that speaks her mind for sure.
SomethingWicked - as far as my bf and the wedding thing. I'm not trying to make excuses for him but the actions of his family were the main reasons for my breakdown. he really had no control and then it was over. I was upset he didn't come looking for me right after his father daughter dance, but I can also see his point of view now. his presence was required - he did come looking for me eventually and was kind to me when he did. he also said he did eventually say something to his daughter too. I am starting to look at things a little differently now. neither one of us seem to be able to "make" our children accept our relationship. neither one of us are bad people so the kids are just being selfish all around. my bf told me later that if he had known about the seating arrangement, he wouldn't have asked me to come because he knows how it would have upset me.
oh and the excuse from his older children? his youngest daughter (21) saw my son be rude to her dad one night at my house and sisters are best friends so I guess will act similar. note - the daughters have been around my son maybe twice. so they choose to act like 11 yr olds I guess for retaliation. ridiculous.
oh and I do PARENT my 11 yr old. I can't brainwash him and change his mind to how he feels. he does respect my bf now - they just don't speak really. once in awhile they will the longer they are around each other. he didn't pour water on anything of my bfs. I do not just let him get away with things and I do have talks with him about treating people right. not sure if you know or not but children are also their own people. we can't make them think a certain way, only advise them on their actions towards others with consequences. I'm doing my job as a parent.
oh and I have thought about
oh and I have thought about not having the two of them together but I have my son most of the time so that wouldn't work out very well. also, the less he's around him, the worse he acts when he does come around. I imagine he thinks he's getting his way and his attitude is working. because I definitely have disengaged from his daughters since the wedding. I have been invited to his parents with them there and I have chosen not to go. now I'm wondering if that is the wrong thing to do. letting these kids think they have "won" and made us feel like we have to choose between being apart or being uncomfortable around them. it's all so disgusting really. my mother got divorced when I was out of the house but my younger sister was 14 I think. she had no problems at all with her. I don't get it how it's such an issue nowadays.
Oh, please. Few of us attend
Oh, please. Few of us attend weddings in Westminster. Most of the weddings I go to are seat yourself including the one I went to 2 weeks ago.
They even had a cute little sign up that said a little rhyme along the lines of "Choose a seat, not a side, we're all family here" except it rhymed.
As for the OP's wedding story I have no idea. Too many posters here to remember which names go to which stories but wedding seating is not a rigid thing across all weddings.
Geez some of you guys are
Geez some of you guys are rude! I bet you all live perfect lives and have perfect husbands and boyfriends who never do wrong I don't know how this turned into about the wedding again but yes I've chosen to move on from that but I will have my eyes wide open believe me. I think there's a way to give advice without being complete jerks about it but I guess that's what this forum is all about mostly - condemning people for their actions and making them feel like pieces of shit. thanks for your input but seriously if you're going to be horrible just don't respond. There is honestly no need for nastiness.
No my boyfriend didn't go to the rehearsal dinner because of work and no I didn't just run up to the front row it was a very unformal outside wedding and they were telling me to sit down somewhere. I wasn't escorted in. when I tried to sit towards the front where he was going to sit, I was doing as he told me. he wasn't aware I wasn't able to either obviously. I was told that I couldn't sit by him in the first two rows but that's where his ex-wife saved him a seat. Yes I was upset and had every right to be but it shouldn't have been directed at him. In the three hours we were there before the wedding this should have been conveyed to us but it was not. I was upset at him and how he handled it afterwards but I should have handled it differently also in hindsight.
Thank you so much stepaside!
Thank you so much stepaside! I appreciate your response and agree.
Is this relationship worth
Is this relationship worth keaping? His kids don't acknowledge you and cause you distress. Your kid hates your BF. You both allowing your respective kids to mistreat your partners. It sounds like way too much stress. It's only been a year and it's already bad. I'd probably bail because I don't see how it could improve. Personally I think it's too much stress
well, I guess all we can show
well, I guess all we can show the kids is our relationship is consistent and not let them be the cause of our arguing. maybe in time they will eventually feel more comfortable like they did in the beginning. we just have to show commitment. from reading on here, most relationships with kids from past marriages are stressful. we have to decide to be together or not regardless of the hurdles I guess or be single for another 7 years. ugh