Is anyone else in this situation

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Long story short, my DH's inability to set boundaries with his 30-something son ended our marriage. But DH and I care deeply for one another and are still "together" - just not married and are living separately. It is a relief to no longer have the step issue to deal with on a daily basis but it makes me sad that our marriage couldn't survive.

Many many people! There are

Many many people! There are several who moved out of the home and live separately. Several divorces as well. Others continuing to beat their heads against the wall.

Read some of the posts here on the adult forum. You will find you are not alone.

You didn't provide details of your situation, but in general, watching an adult skid be placed as the #1 priority in a spouses life is not a good aphrodisiac. The kids are raised, and while it's expected to remain part of your child's life, enmeshment is very damaging to everyone. My SDs are in their 40's. There are other SMs here with older skids.

What was the SS doing?

Did you change your 'name'?

Did you change your 'name'? Did you post a while ago? If so, I wish the very best for you. Sorry the marriage could not survive. It is sad, and it would make the situation bitter-sweet. It sounds like the arrangement you have is working best for you for the time being. At least you can remove yourself when you feel the need. You are also demonstrating to DH that you have enough respect for yourself not to live under the conditions he was trying to force on you. How long have you been living separately? And do you see any difference ion DH's attitude toward you?

Nice to know that I am not

Nice to know that I am not alone. I am new to this site so have not posted before. A little detail - I have 2 bio kids and DH has the one son - all near the same age - all adults. DH and I were married for 9 years. Although there were several instances of SS issues we had managed to weather them all. SS's mother passed away. SS went through the insurance settlement and other funds she left him in less than a year. All he had to show for it was a car. Then, he totaled the car and we discovered he would only get partial insurance settlement because he had borrowed against the car to pay for his honeymoon. At first DH said that he wouldn't co-sign for a car since it wasn't something we could do for the other two and that we needed to treat them all the same. Then, DH wavered and said he felt that he needed to ensure that SS was in a safe vehicle since he depended on his vehicle for his job. To ease his mind, I told DH that, although I didn't agree with co-signing, I wouldn't fight him on it - with conditions. We discussed price point and agreed that SS would need to put a substantial down payment on the car so that it could easily be sold if he couldn't make the payments. So DH and SS left to purchase a vehicle that SS would be able to work out of, with a price point of around $18K and that SS would pay around $7K down payment. They returned with a sports car that SS couldn't work out of (his equipment wouldn't fit in car's trunk), priced at $27K and SS didn't pay enough down to cover taxes and fees. I was livid. DH looked me in the eye and promised me that if SS ever missed a payment, he would pick the car up. Fast forward 4 months - SS loses job and misses payment. I reminded DH of his promise to me and his response was, "I can't do that to my son." SS would eventually make a payment but stayed about 2 months behind. I watched DH's credit score drop by more than 100 points. Then the lender started calling for DH. They had given up on getting anything from SS. That was my wake up call. DH's promises to me were always going to be contingent upon SS. I filed and DH and I were divorced. SS and his wife moved in with DH. This was a year ago. DH has told me that SS asked him why he still wanted to have anything to do with me and DH says that he loves me more than he ever thought possible and doesn't want to let go of our relationship. SO....we are "dating" I guess. SS still takes advantage of DH but it is not my circus any longer.

Steppedon, You are very wise

Steppedon, You are very wise to separate yourself from this situation - both emotionally and financially. Your DH loves you enough to express his feelings for you but not enough to place your marriage as top priority. By placing his son in that slot, he is setting himself up for a downward spiral. It would be hard to watch someone you love make these disastrous choices but you have to think about how this will affect your future.

Have fun with DH when you date. Show him all of the affection you want to but at the end of the day, thank your lucky stars.

Thanks for the encouragement.

Thanks for the encouragement. It is difficult knowing that our relationship will never be any more than it is and that I have no legal status in DH's life. But, I do indeed thank my lucky stars to be out of the entanglement with SS. And you are correct about the downward spiral. DH is definitely experiencing that. I hate it for him.

You should be thanking your

You should be thanking your lucky stars that you .. "... have no legal status in DH's life."

This is a financial disaster and will continue to be until your exDH or the son probably dies. Just imagine the financial ruin that could have been caused - and could have affected YOU for the rest of your life! At least now you have control over your own finances, decisions and future.

That financial ruin is

That financial ruin is exactly what I feared and why I got out. My fear now is that exDH will suffer a health crisis and SS will be able to prevent me from even being alerted to it if DH is unable to do so.

I have told DH before that what he has really done is set his son on the road to become a homeless 50 year old. After DH and DH's mother pass away there will be no one to "fix" the messes SS gets himself into.

My fear now is that exDH will

My fear now is that exDH will suffer a health crisis and SS will be able to prevent me from even being alerted to it if DH is unable to do so.

Take steps to keep this from happening. Make sure your exDH has your contact info in his wallet and his phone, and you can still have living wills and medical directives for each other. He can still give you the same legal power that you had as a spouse, if he wishes.

Great suggestions. Thank you

I am in the exact situation

I am in the exact situation as you and for very similar reasons.

Former DH and I are divorced, but dating. It is very odd but works for now. I actually like having my space and like not having to care about what is happening with adult steps. I do not know if this will work out for the long term but it is fine for now. I do know I do NOT want to remarry. We will either just date or break up at some point. I am actually happy that I am not responsible in case of emergency or heath crisis.

Nice to know I'm not alone.

Nice to know I'm not alone. Like you, I have no desire to remarry. Just trying to navigate this odd situation. ExDH still has a decent relationship with my 2 adult children and with the grandchildren.

I am in the exact situation

I am in the exact situation as you and for very similar reasons.

Wow! Lots to ponder in this.

Wow! Lots to ponder in this. ExDH is paying a price for his betrayal of our marriage in that he is financially in bad shape right now.

How am I a second-class citizen, though?

I'm sorry that things did not

I'm sorry that things did not work out the way you planned when you got married, I'm happy for you for getting out,
but SS did not destroy your marriage Lady, your husband did

Oh, I do recognize that it is

Oh, I do recognize that it is all on exDH. That is why I stated that his inability to set boundaries is what ended the marriage. SS may be an entitled brat, but his actions would have had no affect on our marriage if DH hadn't allowed them to.

so true... and worse is....

so true... and worse is.... me relationship is also going south after 14 years cause SO can not tell his brat NO and keep his word, or set boundaries in place with her...

If he required me to be

If he required me to be around his entitled enmeshed mess, we would divorce, without a doubt, as they control my husband. He realizes it and never insists I am around them any longer, since the last time they insulted both of us intensely... He has zero control of them or influence. He is scared of them and I cannot watch that sickening drama unfold ever again.

"SS may be an entitled brat,

"SS may be an entitled brat, but his actions would have had no affect on our marriage if DH hadn't allowed them to."

^Absolute pure and unadulterated truth that is applicable to almost every poster on this site.

The fact that he moved in his

The fact that he moved in his son and his wife immediately after you left tells you that you are just an option in his life

If he found another woman willing to put up and shut up, he wouldnt be dating you

There is only one love here and thats for his son. You are in his life for technicalities and primal needs

I would break up once and for all and start dating someone who actually wants to be with me and not his adult children but thats up to you

The day I leave my mess of a marriage, i wont be looking back no matter how much love there is! Men have different feelings all the time, one day they love you, then the next they hate you. All they value is their progeny in step situations

What could possibly be appealing enough about this failure to

keep him in your life at all?

Any presence is a detriment to YOUR life.

Stop sacrificing yourself on the alter to this failed man, failed DH, and failed father. You deserve far more.... from yourself. Stop volunteering to be a martyr.

Purge the toxic. Actually purge it, don't just flirt with purging.

IMHO of course.

You deserve better. Take care

You deserve better. Continue to take care of you.

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Is anyone else in this situation