How soon is too soon??
My SO lost his wife to cancer a few years ago. Their marriage was over years ago and she got pregnant with another child, allegedly to try and save their dying marriage. She got sick and he stayed to support her through her illness. We have been speaking about building another house but I'm worried that the photos of his wife will be displayed in MY new house. The house I'm wanting to build with him. Am I being unreasonable to say that I don't want her photos within view of the living areas? I'm more than happy for the kids to have as many photos of Mom as they want in their rooms. I want the kids to speak about her and never forget her but I don't need her looking at me in my home. Another question is that her ashes are present with an memorial at the current house. Again, I'm not a fan of taking her to my new home. I feel she should have a memorial plaque in a cemetery so anyone can visit. I don't want to overstep the mark but I want to feel comfortable in the place I want to call my home.
Perfectly reasonable for the
Perfectly reasonable for the pictures thing.
As for the ashes... I'd be uncomfortable having an urn in my home, period. Be it parent, child, relative... it creeps me out. It's the urn, not the ashes that do it for me...
Have they considered something like memorial jewelry?
https://www.cremationsolutions.com/cremation-jewelry-for-ashes/pandora-s...
https://www.google.ca/search?q=cremation+jewelry+pendants&source=lnms&tb...
There are some beautiful pendants that can hold ashes. If your skids are girls, this might be something more valuable to them in terms of memorial than some urn on a mantle. They can keep it with them always (out of your sight/mind), and eventually can take it with them as they grow older and out of the home.
If he doesn't want to inter
If he doesn't want to inter the ashes, why not have a glass memorial created for each skid instead?
http://celebrationashes.com/northern-lights-globe-by-celebration-ashes/
or a piece of jewelry like Secret suggested.
I could not see myself keeping my first husband's ashes in my home, especially now with SO in my life. I would feel like he was watching me all the time!
It is 100% inappropriate to
It is 100% inappropriate to have Mom's photos hung around your home.
I am recently widowed, almost 5 months. I am still grieving, and I would NEVER invite someone to move in with me while I still have DH's photos hung everywhere. If that is what's going on, then your SO isn't ready to let go and move on. The kids don't need pictures of their mom in every room. My kids lost their step-dad and two step brothers, and they don't need that. My daughter has always kept a picture of her with me and XH in her room, which is totally appropriate, but never kept pictures of XH in my house with DH.
We have our videos and photos on the computer. We have one large family photo of us in the family room, and it makes the three of us uncomfortable keeping it there. I just haven't gotten around to changing it up yet. But, it's only been 5 months, and I'm still taking baby steps with stuff like that.
I kept a few photos out of my
I kept a few photos out of my late husband until SO moved in with me. I only have one photo on display now, in a small frame with him and my kids when they were tiny. It is on a table in a hallway with multiple other photos. It is not front row and center. Just a small photo amongst other family photos.
I don't want a shrine of my first husband I and wouldn't want SO to be surrounded by one.
I could handle a photo of Mom
I could handle a photo of Mom with the three kids (as long as it isn't of ridiculous size) in the familyroom. It's the kid's mother. No problem with the kids making albums and putting framed photos in their rooms either.
It's the urn of ashes I'm having trouble getting pass. My MIL was sitting on my sister-in-law's dresser for a long time. Drove me nuts. Mil was meant to be buried at the National Cemetery at the Arsenal where FIL is. I was willing to purchase unused space down of her parents family plot in southern part of state for her if she still Pfft'd off being buried with her husband (she got angry at FIL shortly before his death) or allow her put into one unused spot in my family plot. She passed without answering and my SIL just kept the urn and ashes. On the dresser she used in her entry way. First thing to see when anyone entered SIL's home. Finally DH told her it was time to lay his mother to rest (he doesn't like cremation to start with and was angry over his mother being treated as a knick-knack)
I like the jewelry thought above from a member, but if the urn and ashes remain and make the move I think I would have to line down they go on a shelve in the kid's room. For me, it really isn't because it's OP's DH's first wife, but more because I'm not a fan of having deceased persons in my home. I would not, however tell the kids the urn and ashes have to go. But than I'm the lady who has my grandmother's braid from when she had her long hair cut off at age eight. It's in my trunk. Yeah, I know, weird.
MIL didn't care either way.
MIL didn't care either way. She had FIL cremated which was against FIL's wishes. She said. as to herself and her death, if someone (meaning SIL and DH) wanted to pay for a funeral, casket, "and flowers that will just die anyway" *said with a snarl on her face*, fine, then change her mind again. DH wanted regular burial, SIL did not (I think SIL thought if we did she would have to help pay even though I told her I would pay for whatever they decided). We were still waiting for her to make her own decision when she passed. Her mind was clear to the end.
MIL was a strange ol' duck. She was never happier than when she was whining, bitching and trying to stir sh*t.
That's interesting. My
That's interesting. My grandmother wanted to be buried, while my grandfather wanted to be cremated, but my aunt convinced him otherwise. My grandparents moved out of state and my grandmother was telling me it was going to cost $8000 to transport their bodies back to NY for burial services. After DH passed away, I described how lovely,, respectful and tasteful the cremation box was, and how there were a lot more options for urns that represented him and how much cheaper every part of cremation was. Small plot, urn, not a casket and internment are all less expensive. She called me to comfort me, and passed away a few months later. She requested to be cremated, and her urn was covered in beautiful bright butterflies, her favorite symbol. I inherited her butterfly earrings <3 <3 <3
She and my grandfather will be placed in the same plot in the mausoleum and my aunt will inherit my grandmother's plot.
It's weird, and I feel morbid, but I've been surrounded by so much death lately, talking about it this way is very comforting.
Sorry, I'm adding because I
Sorry, I'm adding because I just saw the thing about ashes. Again, not appropriate to have a shrine in your home. There are a million and a half ways for the kids to memorialize their mom without rubbing her in your face. This is why I prefer the cemetery. I got a nice new plot for DH, I call it "our corner lot on a cul-de-sac." SS14 was interred into his mother's family plot in the neighboring field. There are two plots for ashes where DH is, so I can be interred next to him if that is what I choose to do. Anyone can visit him there. While the mausoleums are also nice for inclement weather, I knew DH would prefer to be outside with a headstone. While it's not in your place to make those decisions, I'm just sharing my experience, and it was very helpful.
I also know ashed can be converted to jewelry, and split among the kids to do with as they choose which also may be a comfort. The funeral director also took DH's fingerprints before his cremation which can also be converted to keepsakes as well. So, bottom line, lots of options, coming from someone who is very much grieving the love of her life and soulmate, telling you that you should not be forced to memorialize another woman in your home.
Buy a nice "man chest"; this
Buy a nice "man chest"; this is what I did. All of my DH's past pictures, memories, etc.; even pictures of his children and ex are in this chest. It is in a bedroom that I have decorated with his military memories; I even made a red, white, and blue quilt for the bed in that room.
You can make a memorial, out of your sight, for him. He will probably appreciate your thoughts and effort and you don't have to look at them. You can put it all, including the ashes, in the pretty chest. Decorate with pictures that you like of your SO around it.
I don't have to look at my DH's past, it's in a nice memory chest. If anything ever happens to my DH, and I am still alive, I will have someone pick up the chest and deliver it to my SD58. I don't want all of his past pictures and memories. We have developed our own life and memories; which by the way I have in my cedar chest.
I did the same thing for YSS53; because he spent several years in prison and I had to put his stuff out of my sight; he was never a responsible, likeable person to me. So I was very careful in how I handled his things; they are in a chest and he can now come and pick it up at any time. I doubt that he ever will, because he's still not responsible enough to realize the value in past memories. Ugh........
Good Luck with your new home; definitely decorate it around you and your life now. Don't go back to anything in your SO's past. Now's the time to make the change.
Keep us posted on your new beginning.
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your input into this topic. As I sit having a coffee, I counted 7 large pictures of her within view of where I'm sitting. I haven't moved in 100% of the time as some nights I work very late and don't want to be woken by them if I have to return to work early that day. It's the home that they built together so I feel I have no say and SO has already stated he won't be taking them down. I just wanted to see what others thoughts were when we eventually move into our new home. As for the memorial and ashes, it's also massive but it is outside. I just thought she could be moved to a public area so others can freely visit her. And again, it's something I don't particularly want in my garden. The jewellery idea sounds great and I'll look into it at a later stage. Baby steps first I think and we'll see how this all ends up.
I want to start a new life but feel like it'll be held back if this becomes an issue.
Thanks all x
Do not put money into a new
Do not put money into a new house. While you have been talking to your SO about a different house and an "our home", has he actually agreed to it, or justs let you rattle on about it?
Your not married, you stay at the current house part time and he's already made very clear to you the photos stay right where they are hanging. This is the home he and his deceased wife built, her garden which has been turned into a shrine to the late wife....I just can't see this guy up and moving into an different house. I get more the sense you can move into this house and perhaps help raise his kids, but you'll not be the woman of the house. The woman of the house has died. You're the caretaker of her husband and their children and you can either move all the way in and accept that or not.
I don't know where you're living when you don't stay over at your SO's, but don't give up that space. If you own a home of your own, keep it. Rent it out if you must. Do not invest in a new house together (regardless of if you two buy an existing one or plan to build).
The man won't even let a photo be moved in "their" home, don't think he'll sell and move from that house. You bring up the new house, the no photos and the ditch the memorial and I have a hunch you'll find out real quick just how much this man really loved and mourns for his deceased wife. Losing a spouse to death is so different than divorcing a person. If the lady would have lived, they would all be still living in the home they built together, raising their children together and there would be no you. IMO, this man isn't ready to move on. He might be willing to share his life and his kids with you, but he's not ready to move pass his previous wife and commit to starting over.
I may be wrong, but please take things slowly and really look for red flag warnings. You deserve a man who loves you for who you are and a man willing to build a life together with. Not live in the shoes of the deceased wife.
Relationships where the prior
Relationships where the prior spouse has died and there are still kids around: very tricky, more so than bog- standard divorce situations. Dead spouses are saints you can't win against. These guys are a special breed who were often happily married and dream of just carrying on without doing the grief work.
I agree with the reply that says keep your own turf and make him SHOW you he is ready to move on. You deserve your own home if you are going to take on the work of playing Mom. Sounds like your DH is not near ready to let go and move on, likely to avoid hurting the kids feelings.
Keeping ashes around..everyone has different views on that. My mother kept granny's ashes in the basement for years, hoping to bury them in England. My Dad innocently thought the urn was an old piece of junk, and tossed it in a rubbish dumpster. When Mom went looking for it later, he just about had a stroke,about it...confided in me, and I convinced him to go down the funeral home and buy another urn. We went to some lengths to recreate the "ashes" (it involved a bonfire and some chicken bones) and Mom never knew the difference. She took the chicken bones in the urn to the old country and had them interred. That chicken had a costly burial. Dad and I chuckled about that till the day he died.
Photos? I thnk one small family group shot on a hall table or in the lounge is at least respectful, if the kids are still at home. I know I would have been hurt if my stepmom had cleared out all evidence of my late mother, but you do have the right to ask for her presence to be small if it is your new home.
Photos in the Skids rooms and
Photos in the Skids rooms and not in the common areas of the home. The ashes need to be spread or buried in a cemetery appropriately.
No need to have the remains in YOUR home. Even if the Skids liver their too.