Coddling a 40yr old causing problems
Straight to the point here... I resent my wife allowing my 40 year old step son living at home with no contribution to the household. I've gotten to the point that I don't like myself for feeling this way but quite honest I feel trapped. Which is more important, living very unhappily with someone I love? Or risk breaking up our marriage to address something that is destroying us??
HISTORY: Married shortly after step son went into military for 4 yrs then back home for a few. He's a great kid, but quits every time he feels he progresses toward success. We encourage him, but he has no desire for responsibility. The couple of times he's lived with us he hasn't paid any rent. Fine, I wouldn't even mind him paying rent and us giving him all his rent money back as a house warming gift when he moves out. A year ago, he moved back home and we had the discussion that he's going to have to contribute. I was the first one to suggest to my wife that he live with us until he got a job and could get back on his feet but with the stipulation that he wasn't going to keep the couch warm. With no job, the best way to contribute was to help out around the house. That soon eroded into a situation where he never did anything. I expressed my anger to my wife that I was not only paying all the bills, but also maintaining it with no assistance and as a result I felt used. After still continuing I blew up when she began pushing me to get things done so I told her to get my step son to do it or pay someone to do it... I'm on strike and walked out for a while. That was not a good day but I made my point and called him myself. Things changed until he got a job. Several months ago, he got a good job and is doing well. No rent, no help, works less hours than I do and now I'm getting upset at my wife again for allowing it. She keeps saying to me that this and that needs done, but never tells that to him. I mention that I'm not going to do it, that I have too many other things to do but does she ask him? NO she doesn't.
My theory is you pay rent, OR you help out around the house... but DANG if you're going to do neither. But I've convinced myself that the problem is not the step son, it's my wife for coddling the situation. Is she honestly willing to lose our marriage for a son that wouldn't do anything for her if something happened to me? Is this her way of pushing me away or out? She agrees with me about him pulling his weight but she address it. I can certainly see why he isn't willing to take responsibility if his mother won't take responsibility to address issues with him (she wants me to, but he's 40 yrs old, not my son and already out of the house when we married). At this point I'm very kind on the outside, but too angry within to address it. I hate having to be the jerk but if things don't change, nobody is going to like me because "I'm done". Who do I address this with, my step son,or my wife?? 
Well, my husband of 47 years
Well, my husband of 47 years is willing to give me up for a 50 year old daughter he didn't know he met so, unless you want the answer, don't push the question.
He's a total loser/user. If
He's a total loser/user. If your wife pick him she's as big a user/loser as he is.
Yes, you will be risking your
Yes, you will be risking your marriage if you set boundaries, but do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life? SS is 40 years old - plenty past the age to be on his own. Arguing with DW will accomplish nothing but make you angry again. DW is a Disney Mom. She doesn't want to upset her son but is actually stunting him emotionally. She won't have the courage to confront SS so you will have to do it. What you are asking for from SS is more than reasonable. Write out specifically what you expect if he is going to remain in your home. Paying rent and helping around the house is not asking too much. Calmly and firmly inform them that you are attempting to make a win-win environment for everyone in the home when you hand them a copy of the list.
You deserve to live in an atmosphere of mutual respect. Right now you might feel a bit outnumbered because there are two of them and one of you. That does not necessarily make them right. Possibly seeing a therapist on your own will help to give you the self-confidence to stand firm.
its not the step son. its
its not the step son. its your wife and her permissive attitude with him. he needs to get on with his life and get a job. give him a time deadline. if not start pulling plugs on how he uses your resources. show a BILL to your wife on how he drains your finances.
40 is not a child. he is 40 going on 12.
It's actually very
It's actually very simple.....
You are responsible for your own happiness.... thus sit them both down and say, SS herewith your month notice, you are leaving end of June and you are not allowed to return here ever, we are pensioners (soon) and we can't afford supporting a lazy grown man anymore.... to your wife you say - this is how it is, seeing I'm the one responsible for the bills, I did not sign up for a marriage with another husband in the house... you all have a month to resplve this issue, and the option of SS paying rent is closed, he's out.
He's not a kid! He's 40 year
He's not a kid! He's 40 year old ffs.
He has a job yes? Great, so tell him he has 4 weeks to find a place to live. No ifs ands or buts.
Why the hell would any 40 year old want to live with their parents???
40? Please. Call a realtor.
40? Please.
Call a realtor. List your house and get a sign up in the yard asap.
When they ask you what's going on you say I'm moving to a one bedroom place. End of conversation. Let them figure it out.
If they haven't got their act together by the time you get a good offer, then proceed. Go live a happy new life. Your resentment toward your wife may be incurable by now and she just may choose to stay with her mini-husband anyway.
Perhaps 40 year old virgin will move out pronto and wife will straighten up. Great. Take the sign down.
Perhaps your wife will come with you. Great. Start afresh in a place where you don't have the bad memories and where you can set rules from the start and the first rule is no overnight guests ever again.
I wouldn't waste any more of my life sorting these two out and desperately hoping for some respect and courtesy. Drop the rope, walk away.
Life is too short for this misery so take action.
ETA: Selling the house will probably be easier than evicting the middle aged barnacle on the couch. That's why I mentioned this plan. Trying to evict him will likely go one for years. Selling the house 6 weeks bam OR they take appropriate action to make you happy.
This works! I know!
This works! I know!
Awesome!
Awesome!
i agree that your resentment
i agree that your resentment toward your wife and her mini husband may have gone too far. all you can do is draw your line in the sand and see how your ss acts but most importantly how your wife acts. according to her responds you may have to accept the way things are or make plans to leave. there are other women out there who are not hung up on their sons.
its sad how a parent can be so clinging to their child. my brother is over 60 and his son is almost 30. the son dropped out of college and work, yet plays video games all hours of the day. the son has a keyboard and drum set in the garage and states he wants to be a musician. my brother sends his son all over the counrty to music events plane fare hotel and spending money. son wears his long hair dyed purple. when they dine out for meals, they sit shoulder to shoulder and eat off each others plates!i wonder how this looks to a by stander! too much closeness is sickening.
dear OP i feel for you but do something now. you need to see if change is possible.
"his mother won't take
"his mother won't take responsibility to address issues with him (she wants me to, but he's 40 yrs old, not my son"....He is not a child, this should be simple, if his mother wants you to address it, then do so now.
Address the issue with him as if he is just a guy that has asked to stay a few nights and then won't leave or help out. You do not owe him any special favors. Tell your SO that you are going to take care of it and tell her you hope she will support your decision. Every time your SO ask you to do something or gives you a list, delegate the duties to SS yourself. Tell SS that you are busy, can he take care of it. Tell SS you expect him to help out around the house and help his mother when you are busy and working. If he doesn't help out, aske him to move out, begin eviction process. You can do this yourself without a big cost. It takes time to evict a person from your property, but it can be legally accomplished. Don't make it comfortable for this 40 year old mini husband.
Don't expect your SO to do this, you do it and don't use SO as a pawn. Speaking from a woman's view; I take care of my disabled DH and my 101 year young Father; sometimes I need help without being ask. You wouldn't believe how it helps, just to do the smallest thing for your SO. Pass that on to SS or he can move out.
Good Luck
You can do this and handle it with class.