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Getting to my wits end

TrevDad22's picture

Alright, quick backstory...

I met my wife in December of 2008, I was 26 and she was 27. She had just escaped a volatile living situation in California with my step daughter's father and moved in with her father and step mother. I had become recently laid off as a CAD Designer and still lived with my parent's as well. She has a son, 9 at the time, and a daughter, 5 at the time. They both have different fathers. She won't tell me who my stepson's father is. She claims I'll "judge her" for it or possibly use this person's name against her in an argument. My stepdaughter's father is pretty much a sociopath with no involvement in his daughter's life. No child support, no visits, no fatherly support whatsoever. Fortuneatley, he lives on the other side of the country.

We all got along great. We went camping and on excursions. We were an inseparable team. The only problem being my stepson's recurring tendency to lie and steal... which was frequent and rather embarrassing.

My wife became pregnant in 2010. I finally got a job again that November, saved money for a security deposit, and we moved into our first apartment together. Again, no problems all around. We had a happy little blended existence together.

Our daughter was born in 2011 and we were married in 2012. The "big kids", stepson and stepdaughter, were in the wedding along with our then 1 year old. There still wasn't much of a problem with any of us although my wife was becoming increasingly stressed out and projecting nearly all of her frustration onto me. I, in turn feeling unfairly blamed, returned my own frustrations to her. Our rent was becoming harder and harder to pay and other bills became pushed aside as well. We came across an opportunity to move to a second story apartment for $500 less a month and we took it.

In March of 2013, I had come home from work after finding out that the department of education took our entire tax refund. My wife had taken a pregnancy test. In November of 2013, we welcomed our second daughter. Tensions began building from there.

Fast forward to the present...

We are in the same apartment. My stepson turned 18 in March, my step daughter will be 14 in September, our first daughter will be 6 in June, and our youngest will be 4 in November.

Here is my gripe. SS isn't going to graduate high school in June and will have to attend night school. On top of that, he doesn't have a driver's license. He consistently smells like B.O. and feet. He takes 45 minute showers. He comes and goes as he pleases. His hair is colored and unkempt. His clothes have holes in them. He's the kind of kid where if something takes 4 steps to complete, he'll take 3 and quit. He has no ambition and no motivation and no incentive to succeed. I blame his mother for coddling him when she should have listened to me about structuring him. I also blame his grandparents for giving in to him as well. He gets NO sympathy or empathy from me. I stopped giving him rides when he turned 17 and he knows damn well better than to ask me for a dime.

I want him out of my house. He has caused so much discourse between my wife and I over the years that I think we are both sick of it. We are currently seeing a counselor and finally beginning to work through many things but the one thing that remains between us is how she always has favored my SS over me. In general, favortism doesn't bother me. In this case, however, I pay all the bills. Rent, oil, electricity, internet, cars, car insurance, everything. My wife runs a daycare out of our home for friends and makes enough for weekly groceries and things like sports registrations and school pictures.

On the plus side of my story, I work 3 miles from our apartment, which we've recently renovated. My wife and I have been getting along better and better. My step daughter is a brilliant and creative genius who has been accepted into a design program at the vo tech high school. My daughters are a bit much to handle sometimes but they are two of the greatest little girls to ever exist. I just literally cringe whenever my stepson is around and I want him out of my house. I never intended to harbor such a collosal loser.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable? I mean, my wife still won't tell me the name of the kid's father.

secret's picture

What difference does it make who the kid's father is?

For SS, as the song goes...get a haircut...and get a real job... she's his only parent. Though you may be a surrogate, she likely feels it to be a big dark secret and a burdensome one at that.

Is the issue him, or is the issue his behaviors?

Discuss the behaviors (as opposed to him) with your wife, and how you don't want that kind of attitude to be the attitude your kids look up to... don't make it about HIM, but do make it about the way he acts. Put it to her in a way that makes her feel that you would do the same for your own child.

Rags's picture

No you are not being unreasonable. And no, you should not harbor an 18yo waste of skin in your home any longer. His father is irrelevant but my guess is that his SpermDonor is either a convict or a very well known idiot personality (music or sports star... etc...) and your bride is embarrassed. Hit the Google for a search of your SS's last name to see what comes up. Just for shits and giggles of course.

At 18 it is time for your SS to GTFO of your home and since he isn't finishing HS on time he can figure the rest out on his own. After 18 your SS had better earn his continued presence in your home with reasonable behavior, strong effort, and successful performance. He and your DW need clarity that he exists in the home at your pleasure.

Time for this talk with your DH in a counseling session so that you have the therapist present to moderate the discussion.

Good luck.

ESMOD's picture

At 18 I say SS needs to start paying rent... or he needs to find alternate accomodations.

Also, how on earth do you take 45 minute showers on a regular basis and still smell bad???

SugarSpice's picture

i agree with this.

your wife needs to find her girl balls and get her son into shape. he is only 18. as he gets older he may begin to challenge your authority as man of the house. as his father paid no support and you raised him, you have a right to parent him.

your wife has failed you AND her son.

tell him that he is 18 and a man now.

he must get a job in 90 days (you set the limit) and start paying rent. he has to take care of his hygiene and take part in home chores. if he does not get a job in your parameters you can proceed to get him evicted as his name is not on the rental agreement.

your wife needs to get on board with your plan to have her son launch. i have a nephew who is thirty, dropped out of college, wears his hair purple and is addicted to video games. he has a musical band (guitars drums) in the garage and does not work. his father sees nothing wrong with this. the father never married the boys mother. my brother is not married and wont find a woman at this rate.

dont let this happen to you.

TrevDad22's picture

My problem with not knowing who the father is has more to do with my wife and her sense of trust than it does about my SS. I know he exists but she won't tell me who he is and I think after all I do for this family, just that one little piece of information would represent a certain trust that my wife is unwilling to concede. Its as though this person's identity is more important than my trust and I think that is an underlying detriment to our marriage.

I should mention that my wife is beginning to feel the same way about him and his behaviors. What bothers me personally about it is how anytime I mentioned anything in that regard to her, she would immediately make excuses and make me out to be the bad guy for having a problem with my SS in the house that I pay for. Money aside, I find that to be disrespectful and ungrateful. I was raised in an environment where if my father had a problem with me, I had to change MY behavior. Where as if I have a problem with my SS, I STILL have to change my behavior. I don't think its fair that my wife has continually taken his side in every problem I've ever had. I feel like if she had listened to me about him from the beginning, we might have agreed earlier about a structure and we might not be in this position. For example, I've suggested for years that perhaps he'd be more proactive about obtaining a license if she stopped giving him a ride everywhere. He's 18 mind you and the other night, he called for a ride not more than a mile from home. I said, "He can walk." Her reply, "I don't want him walking in the dark." Is this how an 18 year old acquires independence? That is the tip of the ice berg with how much she coddles him. I wasn't exactly a go-getter at 18 either but I had a car and I had two jobs and I had a respect for my parent's allowing me to live with them for free.

I would certainly do the same for all of the children. My number one goal is to get these kids to be independent and get out because I want to hang out with my wife.

ChiefGrownup's picture

No, you are right. Your wife keeping this a secret is absolutely a problem. My guess is it's a convict or a married man. She has expected you to harbor, shelter, provide for, and tolerate this kid without ever being open with you about what other resources might be marshaled for him. If it's a convict she should have confided in you and the two of you would handle the implications of that together. Or you would have the option of leaving. Yes, that is your right and she is withholding it from you and somehow making you feel it is because you are a bad guy, whaaat? If it's a married man she's making the unilateral decision that that man's marriage is more important than yours. You should have had the right as a couple to decide to pursue child support and offer visitation.

Surely there's a copy of the boy's birth certificate somewhere. Look it up and start googling. She forfeited her right to "privacy" on that matter a million times over so take it into your own hands.

I recommend you get firm with your wife. Tell her how deeply stressful this situation is for you and that you need to see a firm launch plan. This is all her own fault for failing to parent him in the past and failing to make you her full partner.

Rags's picture

I didn't think of the married man possibility but I was going to mention the potential support resources point... but my brain outran my fingers and I left that point behind.

You nailed it Chief.

ESMOD's picture

I understand what you mean by a trust issue. Basically, if you marry someone, you are accepting their past etc.. I think she should be secure enough to know that whatever her past was.. you married her for who she was.. and who the father of the boy is really is irrelevant to how your feel about her now.

What the heck does the boy know about his father? THAT has to be weighing on him too whether he admits it or not.

Rags's picture

Absolutely one should accept the past of their spouse... However, basic respect and trust dictates that there should be no secrets either.

ESMOD's picture

I guess what I meant was that she should know that whatever the past was it wouldn't change how he feels about her.. but her keeping the secret DOES make him more wary that she doesn't trust him and that IS a chink in the armor of the relationship.

Rags's picture

Agreed.

I have repeatedly over the years had to re-align my wife when she is lamenting having SS at 16. Her past is part of what makes her who and what she is. I adore her and would not change a thing.... except for maybe being SS's bio dad. But if that had been the case I would probably still be in prison. Courts tend to frown upon 28yo who make babies with 16yos. Too bad they did nto frown on the 22yo who actually did it. Keeping that waste of skin SpermIdiot in prison to save other teen girls from having to spawn his tainted sead would be a good thing IMHO.

My bride is the only of his 3 baby mamas who has enough intellect, character, and gumption to have overcome the poor decision of taking the risk of bearing his spawn and made something of herself.

ChiefGrownup's picture

You know, I really can't agree that you have to blindly accept a past you know nothing about. Rachel Dolazel comes to mind. I can easily imagine a spouse leaving her (don't know if that happened) after finding out her past is as a comfortable white girl not the black woman she was presenting.

I can think of a million other things that would be deal breakers if a spouse found out about them later. That's why it's best to get these things out in the open. If you really love your spouse you will give them the opportunity to make their own decision.

I'm not saying you have to open your diary and let them read every passing thought you had when you were in a different relationship or whatever. But big issues like "who is the father of this 18 year old who lives in my house and influences my littles" absolutely should be on the table.

ESMOD's picture

I'm not sure I mean that we blindly accept the past especially when what we have been told about someone's past is an outright lie like the case you mentioned.

If she had hidden something so egregious in her past that she had done and not divulged it to him. She didn't give him the opportunity to know who she really is.

The same would be if she told him that she had been raped and he wanted to leave her because of that! If he would leave her for that.. why would you want to be with a person like that?

But, he already knows that she has this child. Obviously she slept with someone at some point.

I guess the answer could be that she doesn't honestly know WHO the father is, but I am getting the idea she knows but doesn't want to tell.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Totally agree with that, esmod. If she believes he'd condemn her for being raped, why stay with him at all?

And agree with the rest. She is preventing him from knowing her fully and that is a loss to her as well as a red flag to him.

So we're on the same page now.

Stepped in what momma's picture

OT but surely Rachel Dolazel spouse saw her after or during a shower and knew she was white before she applied her base coat of make up so she could appear to be black.

I think it is super weird that your own wife won't tell you the name of a child that you help pay for at least half of the roof over his head. So you are good enough to help pay the rent for the place the kid lives but not good enough to share the name of the kids parent? I would obtain a copy of the kids birth certificate as a start to finding out myself who this secret parent is.

TrevDad22's picture

The shower thing is exactly my point. I mean, he still has the same shampoo and body wash in there for almost 2 years... another example of just how lazy this kid actually is.

24 years as a SM's picture

There is another possibility for SS father, he maybe a product of rape or incest. Your DW may feel that you would think less of her for either one. Not all birth certificates have the father listed.

Rags's picture

I didn't think of rape incest. Those are also possibilities. But... there should be no secrets in a marriage. That is a basic issue respect and trust IMHO.

Rags's picture

It is tragic to consider that the OPs DW may have that kind of secret in her life. Fortunately neither my bride nor I have anything that interesting or tragic to keep from each other regarding out pasts.

ChiefGrownup's picture

I actually did think of those things but it still does not give her the right to keep it from him. Her dh cannot make decisions about his own life and that of his own children if he's operating in the blind.

If the kid was born of rape I'm sure op will cherish his wife all the more and he may even have a few lightbulbs go off in relation to past behavior or issues they've had.

If the child was born of incest, op most definitely had better know about it so he can keep his girls away from fil or bil or whoever. If it happened when wife was an adult and it was consensual, you bet he has a right to an opinion about that and the right to make some decisions based on it.

If it was the convict, what if this man comes looking for his kid one day? Do you think op and his little girls should be taken by surprise? What if ss goes looking for the man? Don't you think op should be able to be prepared for whatever comes of that?

If she gets this out in the open she will feel better. Either he will love her all the more and she will get the support she's been depriving herself of. Or he will go the opposite direction, maybe even leave her. At least she'll be living in truth and no longer have to fear the day it comes out. Maybe she can get some counseling about it all and get in a better place in life.

ETA: I do think the most likely reason is married man or convict/lowlife. That's why I didn't mention these other options before. But since they were brought up I am sharing my thoughts on them anyway.

Stepped in what momma's picture

If the child was born due to incest then wouldn't OP want to know this due to the fact he has his own daughters that could be staying with someone that could hurt them?

ChiefGrownup's picture

Yes, I agree. He would want to keep his daughters away from fil or bil or whoever for that very reason.

notasm3's picture

I think she probably has no clue who the father is. Sort of like those women on Maury who test 5-6 men and none of them are the father.

If someone sleeps with a random guy every night (or perhaps more than one a night) then it's highly unlikely that they will know who the father is. They might not even know their names.

ESMOD's picture

If he thinks this is the case... would OP be ok if he found out something like this.. that she was promiscuous almost 20 years ago????

TrevDad22's picture

When I've asked her about his father on numerous occasions over the better part of a decade, I've gotten answers from "That's none of your business." "If SS hasn't asked me why should I tell you." "When I found out I was pregnant I told him he could stick around and handle it or never contact us." Clearly this loser chose no contact.

Her sexual past is certainly none of my business as mine is none of hers. My only qualm is that I've supported AS for 9 years now, been a stand in father and done the best I could with him. I've spend thousands of dollars over the years while this other guy doesn't have a responsibility to him or her at all and I'm somehow expected to just be ok with it all? I honestly don't care about the child support and I never did. I make enough money. It's alright. It just all seems so deceiving and disrespectful to me to keep a secret like this. It makes me feel far less important than AS first of all and than SS's father. Incest, convict, rape, whatever the case my be, she has put more importance on this person's identity than she has for my peace of mind or our marriage.

Plus if I knew who the guy was, perhaps I could talk to him and relate his traits to AS in order to help encourage him along. All I am to SS is A-hole stepdad and that's unfair considering how much I've done for these people already.

Thank you all for letting me air this out. It's nice to share similar thoughts with like minded people on the matter

ESMOD's picture

If you knew who the father is.. you might be able to get some mental health history that might explain some of his behaviors too.

Just because mom wants to completely brush this under the rug doesn't mean that it wouldn't be important for the biofather to be a known entity.

Surely at some point this 18 yo would have wanted to know who his father is right? Certainly medical history from that side of the family would be helpful.

Her personally holding on to this information is unfair to her son and also to you who have really tried to make a difference in this boy's life.

SugarSpice's picture

i understand how you feel, op. you became this young mans father by default. you have every right to dictate what he does under your roof. stepson or not, he is 18 and needs to get on his own feet.

you and your wife need to get this man to grow up.

if your wife does not help you have the right to do it yourself. how your wife chooses to handle this will affect your relationship.

sandye21's picture

It's possible the father of SS knows something about DW's past that she doesn't want you to know. It might be beneficial to at least know 'about' the Father of SS in case there are any health / mental issues. Then you will be able to assist SS to make his life better than where it is obviously going. What does the counselor say about it?

Many times the first born or the only son is somehow 'special' to a Mother. However, she would be doing her son a great favor by guiding him to be responsible and self-sufficient.

Whether you ever find out who SS's BF is, you will eventually have to set boundaries for both him and your DW. Otherwise you will wind up like many of us who wasted decades hoping everything would get better. Good luck.

CLove's picture

I have the same pain in the a$$ 18-year old problem. 18 is no longer the magic number, btw, the parent is till responsible for them, if they haven't graduated, and on into the night school in some states. Especially if they want to go to college. MY sd18, she has no job, no friends to hang with, no license (SO has a cute white BMW convertible waiting for her...) and I am getting frustrated with her lack of motivation. She is lazy, dirty, mean, bullying, and all other sorts of bad qualities. Yet, I get to watch SO continue to support her and her bad behaviors (being disrespectful to him, and her sister. I have disengaged.) SIMPLY because she is his FLESH AND BLOOD. Whenever I hear her calling out "dadeeeee" I cringe. Her voice is like nails on the chalkboard. When I see her "couch camping", hear her laugh, it puts me on edge. She is always begging to stay with us full-time, yet does not lift a finger to contribute any help at all.

Plus she treats dadee like her personal ATM machine. And hooverises all my leftovers because she is too lazy to cook and she loves my food.

These parents who coddle their children, are doing them absolutely no favors. They are enabling them to be disabled adults. I know folks in wheel chairs doing more than this kid.

TrevDad22's picture

SS does not know who is father is and it is my belief that my wife has raised him not to care. I personally think this lack of information being told to him is a direct cause of his behavior. I've thought about this from every possible angle and my conclusion is that this one piece of information is central to the entire family's well being and I think it is incredibly ignorant and disrespectful of my wife to withhold this information.

It also makes me wonder that if she can keep such a blatant secret for 18 years, what else could she be hiding. She's a pretty sneaky person. She calls it "being private" but I beg to differ.

TrevDad22's picture

And you're right, Echo, I shouldn't have married her without this information. I was under some sort of unspoken impression that this, amongst other things, would eventually be revealed to me. More and more every day though, I'm beginning to feel like the butt of some elaborate emotional, psycological, and financial joke.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Trev, I'm really sorry to hear this but I can't say it surprises me. I agree that this one secret may be a central plank of the platform of the whole family. Now we hear there are other "secrets."

Sigh. There is one more possibility about the father of the boy and I had held it back. But not any more. It could easily be that there is nothing wrong or bad about the father. It could be that she simply withheld this child from him and cut off his own attempts to parent and participate. He could be quite a nice guy but she didn't want him around. This way she gets to control the narrative. The big mystery makes it sound like he's horrible when in fact it may be him who knows some things about her she wouldn't want to get out.

Not saying this is truth but it is a definite possibility. We have seen some bio parents on here who have pulled that trick. Could be he left her so she punished him by disappearing with his kid.

Heck, this gets really bizarre but she could even be one of those crazy ladies who steals a baby in a hospital. Perhaps the child's being with her is utterly illegal and she doesn't want to get caught. So this little story makes a nice cover.

Trev, I don't know what you should do but I think you are very right to be concerned about your wife's mega-secrecy including this one fact.

hurtingbad.13's picture

From a woman's standpoint, I would go to no ends to find out who is father of SS. I am betting if roles were reversed, she would. That's the way we women are wired. We want the details.

still learning's picture

I'm not wired that way. DH wanted to give me all the dirty dark details of his past and I told him that I would prefer not to know. I did not want his past to become my present. Everyone is entitled to their privacy, even our spouse. If anyone needs to know who the father of ss is, it's ss.

still learning's picture

The good things about your ss is that he does shower and will eventually be finishing school. A lot of teens smell like BO, feet and think their own parents are A-holes. You'll have two teen daughters eventually, lots of fun behaviors and stinky odors from them in the future.

About not knowing who ss's father is, you accepted the fact that you did not know when you married your wife so let it go. She may tell everyone eventually and she may not. Funny thing is that these truths often reveal themselves when you least expect it. I was 16 when I found out who my bio father was, had no clue SF wasn't my bio dad. My half sister didn't find out until she was in her 50's. Neither of our mothers told us, we found out due to other circumstances.