New- in dire need of discussion with people in the same boat

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Hi not sure what to write here, I'm in need of a place to vent with people in similar situations. New to the whole forum thing but not sure where else to turn. I guess I can start by trying tell my situation. Been in a relationship now for three years with a man who has two kids with his ex wife, since the day I've been on scene I've served her purpose and her purpose only. (At my wits end!) she initially requested a meet and greet with me where she tried to assert herself as boss lady I sat there and smiled and took it all in stride because I wanted a chance to be able to be around her children, from that day forward I've been her on call nanny. They share 50/50 but I found myself with the responsibility of watching her boys on the weekends she was supposed to have them, she would lie and say she had to work but in some cases turned out not to be true, it then turned to cAn you help out while I take on more hours at work, I agreed because I'm a people pleaser wanted my S/O to be happy and have kids around etc... mind you I was working full time myself and have my own child to attend to. Fast forward to about a year ago.,, I was laid off from my job and was asked by S/O and BM if I would watch kids instead of having them in daycare and that they would pay me what they paid their child care provider.,. Yea that didn't work out they would have conversations without me and decide for themselves that BM need to have some months off of payment to help her out financially. Then o was offered my old position back I let my SO know I wanted to go back to work and I was talked out of it made to feel like I was leaving him high and dry upon letting my old employer know I wouldn't be returning I found out that they had decided that they would not be paying me anymore. I'm constantly being sent soccer schedules for two boys that I like but don't feel like I should be solely responsible for no one asks me if it's ok if I wouldn't mind I'm sent these things and expected to be on call for her just like I'm sent her work schedule and expected to be on hand even though I've made it clear that every other weekend when my child is at her fathers I wish to have two days to myself I think that's pretty fair, but last night I hit my breaking point it's going to cost me my relationship with a man I love and the relationship between our children. She sent me her work schedule and of course she's expecting me to be on hand for the weekend I have to myself. My SO works odd days hours every other weeekend he's at work. I told my SO I was frustrated at the assumption that I'm here to serve her it then lead into an argument where I was told I think of his kids as a burden and that it's a job to me and this is the life I choose so take it or leave it. Which Is beyond hurtful I've basically been thrown into this roll which I wouldn't mind under different circumstances. I've taken them to soccer to school things to dr appointments I do their laundry I feed them I buy them clothes cuz their parents don't seem to understand kids grow! But certainly don't mind decking themselves out in some new nikes or lulu lemon fest. Beyond frustrated abc at this point considering throwing in the towel!

I'm not sure why you haven't

I'm not sure why you haven't run for your life before now.

Hopefully you'll find some good commiseration and advice on this forum...but everyone is going to tell you the exact same thing. Get out now.

PS - His kids *ARE* a burden...and he and his ex think of them that way, too. Otherwise, they'd gladly be paying for child care or making arrangements themselves to care for the kids. They are all too happy to pass that burden to you...and now your BF is gaslighting you and manipulating you to make you feel guilty. If it's so important to him that his kids have free, live-in child care and don't go to day care...then HE or BM should quit or go part-time and arrange it...not leave it on your doorstep.

Lady you need to see a good

Lady you need to see a good therapist. Someone who can help you with your codependency/low self esteem/ issues.

No, is a complete sentence.

It works like this:
DH/BM: will you watch/pick up/drop off/take care of/clean up after/pick up my slack/be my doormat/give up your life for, me/us/them?

LillyR2009: NO.

Simple.

Why isn't that towel already

Why isn't that towel already thrown?

You are being used. Call

You are being used. Call your former employer and get your job back. You are an adult, you do not need anyone else's permission to have a job. Especially not BM's. Or DH's. They broke the agreement with you when they stopped paying you to watch THEIR kids. NO ONE else on this earth would put up with that nonsense. Give them notice now to start looking for other child care for their kids. You are not avail for your weekends when your kids are at their dads either.
Expect some significant blow back and gaslighting. Be strong.

I know that this is a vent

I know that this is a vent about being a step-parent... but TBH, in most cases the bio parents do the lion's share of communications. I get having a meet and greet and I even get that the BM made it clear that "she is the mother" but all the rest. Quitting your job, no pay????

Maybe you can tell us a little bit about your relationship with your SO. If it's not perfect in every other way.. you should be gone. It sounds like you are a being held against your will in a sweat shop!

I will share something with

I will share something with you. My DH and BM did close to the same thing to me. I actually moved to the town that DH and BM lived in so DH could be closer to his kids. I work from home. So after the move, DH and BM just expected me to be the nanny.
Before we moved I had caught on to the fact that this could potentially happen. It was based off of a comment that DH repeated from BM about me being able to help with the SS's. I made it VERY clear before I ever moved that I was NOT the nanny nor would I allow myself to be treated as one.

Well, that didn't stop DH and BM from ramping up the guilt. They would also have conversations behind my back to make plans for ME to watch the SS's without my involvement. I fought back and made a huge scene repeatedly, EVERY time they tried it.
Because of their bullcrap, I resented my DH and the SS's. The SS"s were evil little beasts who disrespected me, my child and my home. I came to resent BM as well. To this day my relationship with my SS's has never improved and BM and I hate each other.

Get out now or just say NO!!!

Are you and BH still

Are you and BH still together?? Sorry if it's a silly question. Thank you for sharing. Seriously I've never known anyone to have been In the same situation as me it sounds very familiar. I feel the exact same way towards BH and SS's resentful ... they are not bad kids and I enjoy being around them but most of the time I find myself faking interest In them or their day etc ... it really has nothing to do with them it's their parents that wear me down and I try to make sure they don't suffer in the mean time. Always very respectful towards their mom it's all a show which is very daunting for me fake isn't something I do well. I don't feel bonded with these boys either I just feel like the help. All the work with no reward.

Why are you allowing them to

Why are you allowing them to use you.

Its bad enough your not married to the dude.

Go to a homeless shelter, move in with your parents for MAX of 6months or a compassionate friend. Sign a piece of paper with exit date for whom ever will allow you to mooch off of them until you get back on your feet. Remember don't over stay your welcome.

Good Lord girl---find a therapist for short term. Ask for help with healthy boundaries in your life AND to teach you what a healthy relationship looks like. NOT long term counseling but a few should do it. IF you are open to change.

In the mean time tell BM to take a flying leap and stop contacting you.

Completely agree! I'm lucky

Completely agree! I'm lucky enough to have a very large and helpful support system in place and don't need to worry I'll always land on my feet I was completely independent before I was with him and I'll be just fine without. Just trying to gather the courage and strength to do what's best for my daughter, I don't want to hurt her. She's very close with the boys and I don't want to carry on any contact with anyone of the parents so that would sever ties to her "brothers". But thank you really do appreciate your reply.

First thing, get your job

First thing, get your job back. Second, find a therapist that will help you be the best you. You are being treated like a nanny by DH and BM. You deserve much better so don't settle for this crap. Show your child what a healthy relationship looks like.

Thank you everyone for all

Thank you everyone for all the feedback I truly do appreciate it and this platform to air out my grievances as I don't have any friends or people that I know in similar situations. I'm taking some time with my free weekend ( I stood my ground) and really just do some soul searched for what's best for me and my little girl although I do enjoy staying at home abc being able to be really hands on with her she's now in full time school and I think it's best to go back to work to secure my future. Aa far as my relationship goes I feel hurt and resentful that I have to take it to such a level to just be heard and I feel like this will always be a constant battle for us because he just flat out refuses to stand up for me and see the situation for what it is. I know they use me for their own benefit and have pointed it out on many occasions only to have a guilt trip and to be made to feel like the bad guy. This forum of all you guys is a great eye opener for me thank you!!

Thank you everyone for all

Throw in that towel and

Throw in that towel and borrow the 90 mile an hour pitching arm of Randy Johnson to do it.

They're gaslighting you and manipulating you and throwing their kids at you with the speed, force, and regularity of a tennis ball machine.

There's nothing for you here. Get out.

Then perhaps sign up for some counseling or other venue where you can work on learning better personal boundaries and how to say no. You'll be glad you did.

The reason I met with BM was

The reason I met with BM was she wasent going to let the kids around me unless I did so, I thought I would let her have her moment and we could carry on in a mature respectful manner. Looking back on it now it seems to have made her think that iam to obey her every wish I now realize that I've allowed it and that was one of my first mistakes. This is new to me I've never dated anyone with kids and still pretty naive as I realize now.

That is where you and your SO

That is where you and your SO went wrong. The X has no say over what goes on in your home or during your SO's time with his kids and if your SO had any balls at all he would have smacked the piss (figuratively of course) out of BM for even thinking she had a say or would be able to interfere in his home, marriage, and relationship with his children.

Really, you need to completely GTFO of this situation and now!

You are here

New- in dire need of discussion with people in the same boat