Blended family struggling to "blend"
Hey,
I don't know if this is the right category, or really where to start so I'm just going to dive straight in...
I'm 36, I have two kids, a 17 year old son, and a 15 year old daughter. My beautiful wife, their mother passed away 10 years ago and I've raised them by myself since then.
I went on a few first dates since she died but nothing more than that.
Two years ago I met my fiance. She is 33. She has two kids as well, a 16 year old daughter, and an 8 year old son. Her little boy has epilepsy.
She split up with her partner (kids father) 8 years ago, he literally upped and left out of the blue, but it was a blessing for her, he wasn't a good guy and she was better without him.
She has dated since him, but it never worked out.
Our relationship is great. I never thought i'd feel like this again, never thought i'd connect with someone like this again, I love her, honestly i feel like a teenager again!
Which kind of brings me on to our 'teenagers'. She and her kids moved into my home at the start of March (its a bigger house, lots of land, right by the beach, its perfect for a family).
We are due to be married this July! Which of course means we we're always going to be 'blending families' when it came to living together.
It's not like our kids haven't met before, they've met loads. It's also not like we didn't know there could be issues, we did.
I'm extremely proud of the adults my kids are becoming, they are trustworthy, kind, popular, they are both athletically talented and dedicated to it too, they compete at the various sports at a very high level.
My SO's little boy is a real cheeky chappy, he loves to follow my kids around and hang out with them. Her daughter is, a good kid, I really like her and i feel like we have a good relationship but she has had her problems, underage smoking, underage drinking, truancy, a suspension from school, she's no angel, I guess it hasn't been the easiest upbringing for her and she has had issues. Although, id say if anything this is improving since me and SO have been together.
She attends the same school as my kids so she already knew them, she was pretty close with my Fred, they both surf and the used to hang out in the same circles and this is actually how I met my fiance in the first pace.
However, her and my daughter, don't really get on. Not outward hostility, they don't argue or anything, but its always there under the surface. Like living in a cold war.
Its something that is pretty in the open, my son offered to sleep in our caravan outside when they moved in so the girls didn't have to share a room (Something which im pretty sure he loves seeing how he can play his drums as loud as he wants out there ) I don't know what it is exactly, i think they're just close in age and struggle to find common ground, I don't know.
(I was slightly concerned initially that I might have the opposite problem with my son, that he might like her a little too much, and that she wouldnt be the best of influences on him, but actually, over the last year - 18 months where we've spent a lot more time as a "blended family", i would say if anything she's been positively influenced.. she's certainly attending school more (although she still smokes like a chimney, but baby steps i guess).
I guess my question is, that I'm looking for advice on the best way to handle it. Our families are 'blended' now after all but i have always striven above all else to give my kids a happy home. My fiance thinks that it's not that bad and we just need to give it more time, while they get used to it.. but i don't know? Is that right? Obviously i don't want my daughter to be uncomfortable.
And I don't enjoy living in a frosty atmosphere, myself.
I appreciate as well that this is also a difficult situation for my step daughter! She hasnt had a smooth upbringing, she's witnessed a bad relationship between her mum and dad, shes had to take on a lot of responsibility for her brother, and she's not very good at expressing her emotion. The funny thing is that sometimes my step daughter reminds me more of my late wife than either of my kids do - cause my wife was a proper little rouge at that age! Whereas my bio kids have been so easy to raise!
I did check in with my daughter about the subject a couple of days ago her words were "Dad, I love you, I love Steph , I love how happy she makes you, and I'm fine, me and Margo - it's fine"
I told her that I want her to be more that 'fine', and she responded 'well lets go with fine for now and try and work up, yeah?'
Which would be great but i don't know if i should be doing something more to try an enable that to happen? Its not like the kids have just met, they've known each other for years.
I think that your daughter is
I think that your daughter is being mature and tolerant. Maybe that is the best you can expect? You and the mother have decided you want a close relationship, but that doesn't necessarily follow that the kids will. Girls especially can have some real undercurrent of emotions, but if the girls are pretty much getting along and sharing space without major upheavals, I think that is pretty good.
TBH, forcing more closeness and affection will likely backfire and result in it being a bigger issue.
I imagine that though the kids know each other, they sound like they pretty much ran in different circles. That's ok too. As long as everyone is expected to be respectful and kind to one another in the home.. you are winning.
Yeah I know, I think that's
Yeah I know, I think that's whats hard for me, since the day my wife died everything has been about my kids, i'd move mountains for them! Where as like you say, this is about me and my fiance, I am very happy, but I am aware that it doesn't necessarily benefit my kids and that's something I've never dealt with. I feel guilty if my happiness is at the expense of my daughters!!
I think you're right though, they ran in different circles, I don't think they hated each other but obviously they've been thrust together now more than they ever would have been by choice.
BUT, that said, they are respectful to each other, its a bit awkward, quite stilted but its not like they fight or anything!
I would say that your
I would say that your daughter is a wise soul for a 15yr old. Follow her advice and keep working on it. Be careful not to push it too hard which might cause some undue tension.
It is good to see a positive experience in a blended family.
Thanks for sharing.
Aye she is very wise, more so
Aye she is very wise, more so than her old man most of the time! haha
I haven't really pushed it at all to be honest, other than the fact that they live together, and like we will do family things like a BBQ or like we did take all the kids away on holiday last week. But other than that kind of stuff like we would never force them to spend one on one time together or really interfere in there relationship at all. Which is guess is why i was starting to wonder whether i should be doing something, or just leaving it.
Stop pushing. You can't
Stop pushing. You can't force them to have a sisterly bond. Just make sure they all have their own space to go to when things become too much and let it go.
1. House rules is a hard one.
1. House rules is a hard one. You're right to be honest, we've never sat down and gone through house rules, I guess we've just both carried on as we were with our kids, but we probably should sit the kids down and have joint house rules!
It's a minefield though because they have had relatively different upbringings... like I would flip at my kids for smoking, they don't smoke and certainly wouldn't in front of me but SD has been a very open smoker, and she'll light up in the driveway on her way out. But stuff like that poses issues because I wouldn't accept that from my kids, but SD's behaviour is an improving picture but we can't really fight every fights all at once, and it can't really all come from me all of a sudden, because after all I haven't been in her life that long relatively speaking.
They're pretty decent at your basic house rules, cooking, washing up, type stuff.
2. Yeah, that is on my radar too. I did think my son might have held a bit of a candle for her a while back, like i say, it is through them me and my fiance met. But it never materialised or developed, and I guess that'll be a bridge we tackle if it ever did.
3. I am better off financially that my fiance, but i've never been materialistic and i always wanted to install that in in my kids so gift giving i dont see being an issue. No, no prenup planned, I guess i just always feel like that undermines the point of marriage, like to build a life together
Ive read that it can take
Ive read that it can take anywhere from 3-7 years for families to blend properly. Give it time. They are teenagers, and the teen years are fraught with angst of all type. They each might be great in their own right, but you just never know what is going on behind the scenes. They seem to have a history, from knowing each other "Before Blended", so there might be something they are working through.
Yes, I have read of steps getting together, so your worry is not unfounded.
Right, i mean it is a
Right, i mean it is a difficult time to "blend families", my little Step Son has taken to being a blended family like a duck to water, we have a great relationship and he loves my kids, follows them around like they're heroes! Haha!
Plus my step daughter is a teen that is definitely dealing with her own issues as it is anyway!
It took about 6 years for my
It took about 6 years for my kids to get along with my ssons. They are now at the stage where they will meet up independent of us parentals (as my daughter calls us). They will never be like blood siblings. They were all teens when DH and I even met online and half a world apart! So my expectations were politeness, consideration, no meaness and respecting privacy. I didn't care if they didn't sing Kum By Yah in a circle round a campfire every night. As long as they were nice to each other. So far so good after 13 yrs.
That's really good to hear!
That's really good to hear! Thank you!
I'm hoping it will get better. I know they will probably never be best friends, probably never be like sisters to be honest, but at least i hope we well gel into being a 'blended family' more and it'll just be less awkward! That's what i'd really like! I've always had a really chilled, open, home environment with my kids, i hate the thought of losing that! :/
I think that your daughter is
I think that your daughter is right in that she is fine with not being super cozy with the other girl and hey its practice for life because often we are in situations with people that we don't adore.
Quite!! I bear the similarity
Quite!! I bear the similarity between her and my late wife simply in the sense that my wife had a similar kind of devil side, and a similar way of not expressing emotion very constructively, at that age.
(My late wife grew up in and out of care, we were childhood sweethearts, together from just 13! And my family, they didn't just dismiss her and write her off, they really took her under their wing and made her part of the family! And we had a fantastic relationship, those were the happiest years of my life when my kids were little, and my wife always used credit the support she got from my family as a big turning point in her life.
My step daughter isn't my wife of course and that's not what i'm saying at all! But I do know the importance of not just writing off someone completely because they act out in their teen years! ...With my kids I've always implemented that you win when you give them support to make the right choice, and to understand why, not by building a wall so to speak and trying to parent from half way up an ivory tower! And i'm more than proud of how my kids turned out!
I LOVE my fiance. It's really important to me that we can build a life together, and my kids are a non negotiable part of that life, so obviously im super conscious that she feels the same about her kids and im more than open to them being part of my family! I always wanted a big family in the first place.
BUT i could never be happy if i knew that my kids were being negatively effected! They will always be my number one priority. No one would ever come between me and them.
But my kids are very supportive of the relationship between me and my fiance so...... Its just balancing it all out i guess! It feels like a minefield!
I noticed this line as well,
I noticed this line as well, I'm glad you said something because poster does need to reflect on his thought process. I would never marry a man that had this line of thought, it is a huge red flag. So what, your wife is supposed to take care of you when your sick, pay for half of the mortgage, and be your best friend only to come last in line to children that are supposed to leave and start their own lives?
I think this only works if
I think this only works if both people have kids.
This is a red flag to me because I don't have any kids.
You don't think that it's the
You don't think that it's the same for me? That i take care of her when she's sick, pay half the bills, and be her best friend? But i realise that she has children that are dependent on her, and I don't see that as a them vs me, I see that as her kids, and that I am trying to make them part of my life too, so that we can raise our kids together.
We're both parents, we've both been single parents, and we both want to protect our kids! I would certainly question any person who would stay in a relationship that was harming there kids.. and I believe that's the case whether they're 13 or 30. I'd never let anyone hurt them.
She feels the same - it's safe to say that she would protect her kids from anyone and anything!
If my kids hadn't of been happy with our relationship in the early days, then I can safely say it would never have gotten off the ground. I really really really liked her, but I would of walked away.
BUT they were happy, and we did get together and my hope is that we build our lives and futures together from this point on.. marriage.. maybe one day our own kids, I'd like that! So just because my children are my number one priority, certainly doesn't mean that I would back them in every argument, or that I would pick their wants above my fiances wants!
Agreed. I did marry a man
Agreed. I did marry a man with this mindset although 16 years ago I had zero clue just what I was getting into or that it wasn't right. Now, years later, there are some ripple effects but my DH has seen his children's true colors as late as just yesterday! They are drama filled little demon spawns. Knowing that, he knows who comes first and where his loyalty lies. I've told him numerous times, "what you permit, you promote!" I won't permit being last!
Not only did he say she was
Not only did he say she was on the upside he also listed all the reasons he understands that she is the way she is and that says a lot about this man. He is giving SD the benefit of the doubt.
(No subject)
I would leave this be, your
I would leave this be, your son is sleeping outside part i would not be ok with and be more worried he would feel pushed out of the family then you are about the girls situation
Pffttt I don't care about my
Pffttt I don't care about my kids? Yeah, well that's BS
@ HRNYC I'm sure you are a
@ HRNYC I'm sure you are a great judge of what a juvenile delinquent is since you work in education. Why don't you enlighten the rest of us with exactly what someone has to do to be considered a juvenile delinquent?
I edited to add: I smoked, I skipped school, I drank, shoot in my family if you weren't doing all of those things in your teenage years we'd have to be suspicious of you. Most kids do all of these things, and the ones that don't, let me tell you about them. They are the ones that wait to go away to college to become "adult delinquents" and do all of these same things. I had partied more in high school than most people do their entire lives, would I change it now, nope, it made me who I am today and I am quite happy in my life.
I have never been arrested, and I make 6 figures, look whose partying now! I quit partying when most of my friends were just getting started.
Oh he's more than happy! I
Oh he's more than happy! I think he feels like he's got his own little place! I'm not worried he feel's pushed out, he's a very laid back guy, and he couldn't feel pushed out - my step son is outside waking him up a about 7am on the weekends hahah! He also has a very good relationship with my SD and with my fiance.
It's not like he's living by himself, the caravan's in the garden right next to the house.
Long term the plan is to build and extension but I wasn't going to start that until after the wedding.
We have a pop up camper and
We have a pop up camper and the skids love sleeping in it when they come up. Makes them feel like grown up, having their own space like that, BUT if any of them played the drums they might have to live in it, lol.
Hahah its alright now he's
Hahah its alright now he's good at them! It was when he was like 14 and learning the same little tune that it was a killer!
It's like there own little
It's like there own little den isn't it!?
I'll have a sit down with my fiance. I guess its all the little things that normally go without saying but get missed when you merge two families! Like we'd always keep shoes in our respective rooms, whereas they keep them by the door, and like I might very occasionally swear, my kids might very occasionally swear, but on the whole they'd never swear in front of me, whereas my SD just has a potty mouth, its like she cant stop herself (to the point that when I'm like "c'mon language" she'll be like "oh shit sorry"). Likewise I've never been particularly hot on like locking the back door and hence neither are my kids, and that's something that we've had to try to change because it really bothers my finance!
But im not worried about that stuff - that's just the case whenever you live with someone new!
Thank you! Yes, and for me when i lost my wife, it was my kids that got me through. Everyone told me how i had to be strong for them but really, it was them that were strong for me. They were my reason to get out of bed, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I think that's probably part of the reason that me and the kids have really good relationship and a strong bond!
But I am incredibly in love with my fiance, in a way i never thought i would be again! That's not affected by my love for my kids!
I do yes! I'm a big Kayaker too! You?
No, they certainly were not
No, they certainly were not misbehaving! I mean it more in the the 'house rules' sense, obviously its an adjustment for everyone to start living with a whole other family! It's an adjustment for me as well as my kids!
But my kids are certainly not doing anything wrong - they're no angels, but that's fine, I've never been an angel either
- but they are good kids!! Responsible, trustworthy, determined, honest, good humoured, positive & humble!! Maybe my daughter might lack patience sometimes (wonder who she gets that from), and my son may lack impulse control (he shares his spontaneity with his mother, but sometimes he could do with thinking things through first) BUT they are wonderful kids! They don't cause me trouble, I'm very lucky!
My SD absolutely brings a whole host of issues that i don't have with my kids! But it's hard, because she's not a naughty little kid, she's 16, and I'm coming in late to her life! She has got her issues.
She's not a bad person but there's loads that I wouldn't take from my kids!! But it's hard isn't it, she's lived up till now the way she is, so how do you say like starting from now quit swearing, quit smoking, don't drink to excess, don't skip school, don't get in trouble while you're there, let us know what time you'll be home, etc etc
They're all valid points but its complete overload isn't it!
Plus like, we're trying to blend families, not be a bootcamp for teens, like its finding the balance, her behaviour is off par right now, and that's one issue, but i DO what my fiances kids to feel like this is their home too!! They've had a lot of upheaval in there lives already!
And like i say, there have been improvements from my SD. My biggest issue is the fact that its all a bit awkward and stilted and frosty at home whenever the girls are both there. Thats not fun for anyone!
SO, with those kind of things
SO, with those kind of things did you sort of come to an agreement of how things were going to be for both sets of kids? Or did you keep with separate expectations on that sort of thing?
I guess its all new for me because i've never been a super strict, solid house rules kinda parent. I guess simply because i've never needed to be, my kids have never gone off the rails, and i've always been pretty open with them, since my wife died, that I'm figuring out the whole parenting thing as I go. We've got a really strong relationship and i guess thats why we've always muddled along pretty well. My son will cook dinner if I'm working late, my daughter will tidy the house and give me and Fred a good telling off for leaving things in the wrong place - thats not something that had ever been compulsory for them like chores or house rules or anything. It doesnt feel to me like it needs changing but then i do understand that it leaves stuff totally unclear for the step kids!
Did you, that's cool!! My late wife was South African, we lived out there for a while, during which time we did a source to sea kayak expedition down the orange river. Still one of the coolest things I've done!
Ah yeah, theres something about being on the water! Clears the head!
Haha my daughter definitely
Haha my daughter definitely feels like she can boss her brother around too, even if he is 2 years older! That's sisters for you!! Lol!
Yeah I get you. I think a lot of the time when your open with your kids and lead by example, they'll give you back the same! In my experience at least!
Really? We have a lot in common - my step kids father has zero custody, and has landed himself a pretty long jail sentence!
Yeah I think that's kind of where we're at, like we can make a decision as a household where everyone is going to keep their shoes, but I'm not particularly willing to change much about the way i parent my kids currently, because i feel like its working well for us and it doesn't need to change.
I was a bit worried, initially about my sons really close relationship with Margo and that she might be a bad influence on him, but like i say that hasn't materialise, if anything he's been a goon influence on her.
I think in a lot of ways I've been lucky with my kids. My late wife always wanted to take them out of school before secondary school and travel for a year. I owed it to her to make it happen so when the kids were 11 & 13 i took them travelling for a year.. Africa, Central/South America, southeast Asia, we backpacked, we camped, we worked on a lot of volunteer projects. I so was almost not going to do it without my wife, but i'm so thankful that i did because that time that i got to spend with them was priceless! (and I know that she would have been so mad at me if i hadn't done it haha!).
I think its harder for my fiance because she just hasn't got to spend that time with my SD. Her ex left when my SS was born and then he had so many health complications, and the new guy she met turned out to not be very nice at all and my SD witnessed all that first hand, and when they split up my fiance had to work long hours at multiple jobs, so my SD had to care for her little brother, and she did. But she was either on duty or off duty, if you get me, when my fiance was there or my SS was at school then SD wass 'off duty' and off the radar & off the rails as well! She hasn't got the same open kind of relationship with my fiance that my kids have with me! Mostly through just unfortunate circumstance.
I think shes a good kid though, and I see chinks of light. If she's not going to come home or shes going to be in really late she'll shoot me a text like 'Bobby I'm going to be late. I'm okay. Don't worry.' ...which I actually think is quite sweet, and is considerate, because my kids always let me know like when they'll be home, but that's not something that my SD has ever had with my fiance. But she knows that I'll worry, so she texts me.
(I think that however they might protest, deep down most teenagers like to be worried about! Lol! After all, don't we all like to know that someone worries if we're alright or not!)
I guess its easier with teenagers in the sense that they can understand, you're my parent and i have to follow your rules where step siblings have to follow their parent!
How do your kids get along with your step daughter then?
I kind of didnt think it would be this hard - pretty naive i guess!
Nice
I was going to go windsurfing this morning but my kids are both busy with sports training so I thought i'd take my step son mountain biking instead! (I want to teach him windsurfing but I havent got a small enough rig!)
Schools don't like it really,
Schools don't like it really, haha, but I reckon it brings as much to a kids development as a year at school would!
Absolutely. I mean my kids lost their mum too young, she was incredible, and its really cruel that they'll never get to know her like i knew her. It's undoubtedly a tragedy but as someone who tries to find a positive in absolutely everyone - i guess it has shown them the fragility of life and that you have to grasp it and live it! But yeah, I tried my very hardest to give my kids a happy and meaningful childhood. Whereas my SD didn't really get to be a kid very long at all.
Ah that's good to hear!
Really? We'll I guess we are lucky there! My fiances ex is very much out of the picture, so there's no one else having anything to do with the kids but me and her.
Yeah yeah! And I think, personally, that the kids are older enough to understand that!
I feel like I have a good relationship with SD (and SS for that matter), and I do feel like her behaviour is improving since we've been a 'blended family'.
Yeah
She's a good kid, I just wish that I didn't feel like everything wasn't coming slightly at the expense of my daughters happiness, at the end of the day I'm making her live with someone she doesn't really like and I have always believed that your home should be your little safe corner of the world.
I'm just hoping they'll find some common ground somehow!
Ah, you should defo give it a go! You'd like it! That's a long swim! What do you do with the beach glass? Do you kids have water loving bug too?
I'm in the UK, you?
Hahaha! I guess at some point
Hahaha! I guess at some point you have to live your own life don't you!! I know you cant protect your kids from everything - I've never tried, i didn't want them to grow up having been wrapped in cotton wool. But I have always striven to give them that "safe cosy type" home life.
Hopefully they;ll just get more used to each other as time goes by.
Ahh super nice, beautiful part of the world! That's my dream travel spots list! I've done a lot of the Caribbean islands which were lush but i'd love to see Hawaii.
Thank you! I like to think
Thank you! I like to think so!
Well my fiance has already moved in, and no not really! Mostly because like i say my kids have never had set chores, and regarding my step kids Clark is only 8, and Margo... well i guess her only real 'chore' has been looking after her brother (which she has to do less now my fiance doesn't have to work two jobs, and now that I'm here to pick him up from school and help him with his homework and what-have-you)
SD did cook for us this week though, which was nice (Although it didn't go unnoticed by me that she chose to do this on a night that my daughter was out staying at a friends house). But at least she did do it, she went to a fair bit of effort, so maybe my kids attitudes to helping out the family might be rubbing off on her a little!
My DD and SD don't get along
My DD and SD don't get along thanks to BM. BM ruined that relationship for her too. Just one more person that SD won't have in her life to care for her. Good luck to you!
Do not involve yourself in
Do not involve yourself in child matters, if the girls do not like each other accept it, they are still respectful and cordial to each other in the house, leave it be... you only step in when disrespect is shown... cause the house rule is simply, you will respect all things at home, if not you are welcome to move out.
Mine are adults but when they
Mine are adults but when they lived at home my SD constantly badgered bio kid at home and worse at school. It was a relief on so many levels when SD moved in with BM.
That must of been incredibly
That must of been incredibly tough!
Mine are nothing like that! My SD doesn't bother my daughter particularly, they just don't have much contact at all! They avoid any time together other than what they have to spend ...which is a bit awkward when they both have a good relationship with my son, and for that matter with me and my fiance and my little SS.
Yeah they are, like I say,
Yeah they are, like I say, they don't really argue or anything. They just avoid each other where possible and when they are both at home the house feels kind of awkward and a bit frosty.
simply try and ignore it....
simply try and ignore it.... it's a good thing the girls are raised to still respect each other even if they don't like each other.. let them sort it out on their own... or never
Yeah I hear you! Well I don't
Yeah I hear you!
Well I don't think they've ever had an out and out problem with each other, i think they just ran in different groups, and well I know from my daughters side that she's never been a massive fan of SD (I knew this BEFORE I ever even met my fiance)!
They go to the same school, but i honestly dont think they had ever had an argument, i think they just didn't really gel, and then me and my fiance went and asked them to live together.
So its not like i blame them, i know theres some people you just don't get on with!
(However I do personally believe that if they had not history and had met afresh as step siblings after i met my fiance then it might of been a different story - maybe they would never of been best friends but I do think a lot of the dislike is out of some sort of principle, like they didnt like each other when they were 13/14, so they couldn't possibly like each other now! :?
But that is for them to figure out - or not, like you say!
I know my son tried when they first moved in with us, he and my daughter have always been very close, and he is also very (keeping my eye on him }:) ) close with my SD. He told me that he talked to them individually about it, but I think he gave up and just spends time with them individually.
"(However I do personally
"(However I do personally believe that if they had not history and had met afresh as step siblings after i met my fiance then"
Nope never would've happened lol - I thought this as well and when my son met the SD - I could see after 5 minutes he will never get along with her.... granted he's 3 years older but at that stage he was 15 and she 12... same age as his niece that he very much likes... Deigma simply ignores her and makes sure he's never alone with her, I asked him a couple off years ago, why don't you take her along to the beach... dang if looks could kill.....
You're probably right! There
You're probably right! There really doesn't seem to be much reason for why they don't get on but I guess sometimes you just don't feel comfortable around someone!