I'm new at this...
I'm new here, but in need of advice or encouragement...
My fiance has four children (21f, 19f (married with a toddler), 17m, and 15m), with his ex-wife, and two ex-step children (30f and 33m). The 17 y/o boy lives with us and the 15 y/o boy visits on weekends that his schedule allows. None have HS educations, the 21 y/o is a waitress, neither the 19 y/o or her husband work currently that I know of, the 17 y/o boy doesn't work (he sleeps all day, loudly plays video games all night, and is messy), and the 15 y/o is (supposedly) homeschooled by his mother is in extra curricular activities, and has two jobs. My fiance and his ex can make nice, but (from what he has told me) can't really stand one another, and she has a boyfriend (or possibly fiance). I have no children (but several pets) and there is a 20+ year age difference between my fiance and I (I am closer to his kids age than his). I have never been married, he is twice divorced.
Before I moved in with him, no topic was off limits and our communication was wonderful, but ever since we began living together, anything pertaining to his kids is off limits or we fight. I get that he is naturally inclined to defend his children, and that although he vents about them often I need to keep my mouth shut, but I feel like if I even so much as acknowledge their existence I will piss him off, he gets defensive and says he feels like I am attacking him. All of his kids except the youngest have a very entitled attitude, no respect for him, and expect him to provide for them (financially, running errands, food, etc, and he/we are not rolling in the dough although we both work full time jobs and he works several part time ones as well). There are zero boundaries with his children, zero respect for his authority or even any courtesy as another human (he has said this himself), and he blames it all on their mother (they have been divorced for a little less that three years and separated about six), but he allows it and plays into it. I don't like to see him mistreated. It is even this way with his ex to an extent... He'll jump through hoops to avoid conflict with her, even if it means having conflict with me.
He almost treats his kids like mistresses, though. He tries to keep me in the dark about giving out money (to the point we have decided to keep our finances separate even after marriage) and everything having to do with them. He keeps me in the dark about time he spends with them. It bothers me that he doesn't like, but tries to hide things that he knows bothers me (like giving them money to buy their mother things... I see that as him buying their mother things). What's even worse though is that I feel like he puts me against them. I feel like he tells me the most negative things about them, and that he portrays me as bossy and the reason for anything they don't like. There are zero boundaries with them, and he tells me that he sets them and they just run all over him but I know he doesn't set them (and if he does, he tells them it's me).
That being said, I get along with his kids surprisingly. ...But I feel like it is a forced getting along. They're all polite and cordial, sometimes even friendly towards me and me towards them. I just feel lost at how to actually build relationships with them when I feel like my fiance makes them off limits. I feel like he pits them and me against each other, but it is off the table for discussion with him (although he wouldn't admit it). He makes it so that there is him and his family, and him and I, and it makes me feel like the proverbial ball and chain.
The straw that brought me here looking for advice though, is that he has been planning a trip out of town for a while, and in the beginning I made it clear I didn't want to be left in charge of the house with his 17 y/o and that if I needed to I would make other living arrangements for that week, so he said he'd take him with him. One week out now, he "thought he told me" that he wasn't taking him. I feel like that was deceitful, and I have no idea what to expect that week.
I guess I just want to think I'm not alone and that someone out there has experienced something like this and can be okay?
All I can think of in answer
All I can think of in answer to your question is that:
#1. Money creates options, opportunities and a different kind of life, depending how you use it. If you have enough money to barely scrape by, but with this other person you can have a much better existence, then you stay and stick it out, suffer through it and little by little it chips away at you until you are a little nub of your former self.
#2. Depending on the persons background, and livelihood, and location - there are many really awful people out there with their own agendas, and if they latch onto a good person, they use them up, until there is nothing left. Both sexes do this. This behavior is taught. Ever notice how folks are always saying that "people USED to be kinder and more generous, people USED to show respect to elders..." etc, you get my point. I think that through the most current generations, with all the luxuries, media and downright EASIENESS of life, that our lives have not exactly improved. We do not have female castration, in the US, but perhaps we have female EMOTIONAL castration.
You feel like that was
You feel like that was deceitful because it was deceitful! Trust yourself and your intuition.
Look, he is showing you who he is. Believe him!
This forum is full of women who have experienced what you're experiencing. The reason they are here is because the man in their life showed them who they were but they didn't believe him.
They thought he'd change once he realized how horrible he was making them feel, or once the youngest aged out he'd stop paying for everything or it was all BM/SS/SD fault.
Or, my personal favourite, he's an absolutely wonderful man, it's just this one thing that makes him treat me like shite.
He's not going to change. He has no reason to.
You have to decide if you want to live the rest of your life like this.
You need to get the hell out
You need to get the hell out of this so-called relationship and instead of saying, "I'm new at this," you can say, "Been there, done that. Never again."
Why sell yourself short with
Why sell yourself short with a man that old with THAT many kids that lies to you to top it off? You are way to young to be dealing with old people crap, hit the road with your head held high and when he figures out that you moved out and ask why, you can tell him you "thought you told him".
The good news is you are NOT
The good news is you are NOT married to this user loser; the bad news is you need to make a move and get away from this insanity. Kind lady, he is using you. How long will you allow this to happen to you?
Make an action plan now to get happiness back in your life.