Having second thoughts about marriage
I am 30 years old and have no children of my own. My fiance has 3 children. He has sole custody of 2 of his sons ages 13 and 18. I have a really good relationship with them. Really good kids and are very supportive of our upcoming marriage.
He also has a 3 y/o son from a previous relationship. He likes me as well but this childs mother despises me. She treats me like the other woman even though they were broken up for well over a year before I even met him.
BM has always in one way or another tried to control all the contact from the moment of birth. Sometimes she would be generous with contact sometimes she would not allow contact for a month at a time. For the life of me I could not figure out why my fiance put up with this. He would never take her to court and she refused to sign any time of custody agreement. She always said take me to court. God forbid she get upset and in the beginning we walked around on egg shells constantly with her. It was causing us major stress.
I finally had enough and broke up with him. I was not going to let this woman control my life. After this fiance finally grew a backbone and he got a lawyer and filed for joint custody. They went to court for temporary orders in the beginning of July. Fiance was asking for 50/50 but the judge gave him 3 days/nights per week. He is happy with this. The judge also set up vacation time for the summer as well as the holidays being split equally. The judge flat out told BM that she would not be receiving sole custody and needed to start living in reality. LOL
Fiance has been paying her 800/month in child support not court ordered. Under state guidelines he only has to pay 500 bec CS is capped in our state. So now she is getting 300 less child support a month and all other expenses are split 50/50.
We've gotten back together but I wonder what I have signed up for. The custody battle is not over these are just temp orders. The BM says she will battle it out to the end. She wants fiance to have e/o/w and 3 hours on wednesday, 1 week in the summer and like 2 hours on each major holiday. This is the kind of person he is dealing with.
We are starting into the second week of shared parenting and the BM calls constantly. It's like she is always there. Fiance shut his phone off and allows the 3 y/o to talk to BM in the morning and before he goes to bed. She sends nasty emails. One thing after another.
I love fiance so much but I have to ask myself can I put up with this for the next 15 years?? Any been there done that's? All i wanted was for him to get some sort of custody order so BM could no longer calls the shots. He did that. BM no longer has a say of when we get the 3 y/o but damn she makes her presence known. I am not use to this type of crazyiness. My parents had a bitter divorce but they never used me as a weapon against each other. Not sure what to do.
I feel for what your going
I feel for what your going through, I came into the picture about a year after BM and DH divorced. but for some reason she claims I caused there divorce even though she was living with another man and pregnant by new man. :O now after all the mediation and restraining orders and so forth she wanted to move to North Carolina with new baby daddy DH allowed this to happen continues to pay his child support but no court order has been lived by BM is vicious vicious lady he wasnt allowed to speak to child because she didnt want to hear his voice so we sent daughter her own phone it was sent back in pieces, she continues to send nasty emails, make nasty comments and now that SD is here visiting for summer shes constantly calling wanting to know whats going on in our daily lives, oh and of course she didnt pay for half of the plane ticket thats in the divorce decree. She states she must know what we are doing on a daily minute to minute basis it's crazy. I love my husband to death but damn this isnt what I signed up for. Good luck
Being educated about what you
Being educated about what you may face is a great idea. But, if you choose to stay, try not to dwell on the possibilities and live in the moment. My FSS8 loves me. He lives with us the majority of the time. But, he struggles with loyalty issues because his mom is awful about me. I think you need to decide what kind of stepmom you would want to be and set out clear boundaries to define that role for you and for your significant other and for BM and for your skids. For instance, I know I could not be happy in a situation where I disengaged from my FSS. That just isn't me, and I don't think I could do it. I think if that were what I needed to do, I would end my relationship. I want to be an involved SM, but I also don't want a living hell. So, I respect that FDH and BM are FSS's parents. I don't say much about there parenting, but I do have discussions with FDH about what I don't agree with in our house because we plan to have kids together and we don't want separate sets of rules (another think I couldn't handle). After these discussions, FDH usually tries a different approach, but it is his decision to make. BM doesn't think it is my place to go to any of FSS's events. But, the one even I didn't go to in order to respect that decision deeply hurt FSS. So, we made a deal. He knows why I didn't go, but I promised that if he wants me to go, and I don't have anything else going on, I'll go, and I have. I decided another boundary for me was that my relationship with FSS is more important to me than making BM happy. My favorite boundary is the "no pressure" one I have. I don't want to be pressured to love FSS, he doesn't want to be pressured to love me. At a minimum, we will have kindness and respect. Anything beyond is a bonus. I let him vent about being "in the middle" because of what his mom says. I am understanding and don't judge and don't tell him how to feel. Because of that, he tells me A LOT.
Also, FDH married BM and had a kid with her, he gets to deal with her. She doesn't have my number. I don't have hers. They have to communicate, I don't. My days off are mine. If I want to spend time with FSS, then FDH doesn't have to worry about childcare, but if I need my own time, it is FDH's responsibility. That's FDH's rule, and I love it.
Now, all of this comes after having been in another relationship where there were no boundaries and life was hell. I think you guys need boundaries on BM. Your fiance's response to the phone calls is a perfect example of setting a boundary. Keep putting those in place. No one expects either of you to live your lives at her whim. My bet would be that if the temp hearing gave him that much time and it is going well for your SS and you guys, then that is indicative of how the custody order will be. If nothing else, wait until the final order comes out and see if you can live with it, but do continue to document her behavior.