Does it get better? I need to vent...
I'm a new member looking for an outlet and hoping I can find some support through this forum. I am 25 with a BS age 4 and a SS age 6. SO and I have been together about a year and a half and have and will have been married 1 year. We have true 50/50 custody of my SS. My BS is with us FT, no contact with BD. We've had our ups and downs through this transitional period, it's tough. I'd like to hold onto hope because our boys are young, but although I grew up in a blended family this is proving to be harder than I expected. I'll admit that my BS is a handful, but I feel like DH is so quick to point out every negative trait of my BS and most times gives his son more leeway just because it's less often he acts out. If my BS is being annoying DH tells him to leave his son alone yet when my SS is bullying my BS, DH hardly ever speaks up. My BS absolutely loves his step brother and always shares and lets him have his way even though my SS hardly returns the favor. It's really hard to take a back seat to that.
Don't get me wrong my DH is a great father to both of the boys I just see where he is much more lenient with his own. I was really hard on myself when we first got married and I felt like my SS wasn't bonded to me like my BS was to my DH. My BS takes to just about everyone and has never had a father figure so he warmed up to my DH right away. My SS went through his parent's divorce at age 3 and another failed relationship with my DH and his ex gf after the divorce. He is less trusting and open to a new relationship where he has to share his dad. He has made progress but it's hard when he goes back to his mom's and is an only child and then comes to our place and has to share. I made the decision that I was going to take a step back and try to be less of a parent and build more of a friend relationship. At first my DH agreed with this and now he feels like I should be more involved.
Because my BS really does not have a BD, I expect my DH to be his dad. I understand that his bond with my BS will be different than with his BS, but there have been a few occasions in a private setting that he tells me that he is not my BS's real father and he never will be. I tell him that I expect that he considers himself his real father, because he is his only father. I know someday I will have to tell my BS that he is not, but in my honest opinion he won't ever meet his BD because he doesn't want to be around. He steps up when it counts but I don't feel it's fair for him to think I can have the same bond with my SS when he has an involved mother in the picture. I feel trying to be his mother will push him away and upset DH because I certainly wouldn't let as much slide if I treated him as my BS.
I know communication is key I am just wondering thoughts and opinions and if my DH and/or myself should be expected to view and implement ourselves as Bio Parents of both kids. Do we try to co-parent, or is it best we take a back seat to our step children and parent our bio children.
Sorry for the long post, I haven't really been able to talk to anyone about these issues
Honestly? You need to
Honestly? You need to listen to the very clear message your H is sending you. He doesn't want to be your son's father; expecting him to change is unrealistic and unfair to all of you. I'd also be worried that your H was perhaps looking for a new Mommy for his son more than he was looking for a new wife; your SS is only 6 and already he's gone through the divorce, Dad's failed relationship with one sorta-step-parent and now this one which comes with an instant sibling who is competing with him for Dad's attention ... that's a lot for a small child to deal with.
Is that the role you're going to be happy with, long term?
Your son doesn't know that your H isn't his father? Is that right?
I'll admit that we moved too
I'll admit that we moved too quickly and I have some regrets but we are where we are and trying to work through it. I honestly couldn't answer if I feel I am going to be happy with that role long term. My son doesn't know that my H is not his Bio father, but 3 years of his life with no man in his life i'm not sure he truly understands what a dad is.
I believe one thing that has
I believe one thing that has come out is that my H is somewhat co-dependent. He also admits that life was much simpler when it was just him and his son but it's hard to say if that is the life he really wanted
Just because I am reaching
Just because I am reaching out for insight does not mean we are on the verge of breaking up. And I will tell my son when the time is right, a 4 year old isn't going to understand. We all have our strengths and weaknesses,I wouldn't say that anyone is trying more or less, it's an adjustment. And I wouldn't expect him to step up had he not agreed that he was okay with it from the get go
Hon, he'll understand if you
Hon, he'll understand if you do it using age-appropriate terms. Otherwise, when will be the right time? When he's 10? 14? 18? If you wait, he's going to wonder why the person he trusts most in the whole world has lied to him all this time about something as important as his parentage.
Do it for him. Be open, and treat it for what it is - a simple but important fact, nothing to hide away from, nothing to fear, it just *is*.
You're right and I need to.
You're right and I need to. Thanks for putting things into perspective
Anna is so right on this one.
Anna is so right on this one. Just think about how you handle talking about death or something else equally difficult to put into words. In my case, I let my 2.5 year old watch Bambi but I'd forgotten about the Mom dying... and then I really had to step up as a parent to explain in a way that gave my kid the message that everything is ok and was honest and open. Tough day...actually she talked about it for a week or so.
To answer your question: it
To answer your question: it will only get worse from here. The kid years are mild in comparison to teen angst and anger. Luckily you're dealing with a boy and not a girl AND you have week on/week off. Don't believe what you're husband said about playing dad, men will say whatever you want, be whoever you need to get you to do what they want which in many cases here is be HIS kid's stand-in parent for whenever dad can't or doesn't want to make it. The truth hurt but there it is. He says he will be a father to your son...but he acts like an annoyed acquaintance in reality. Actions speak louder than words. Believe him in what he shows you.
As for your kid...when my SS was four he was very easily attached to the older kids. It's a stage and normal for kids to want to play up with older peers. Maybe your SO wouldn't be so annoyed with your kid if his kid has some space. You need to talk with your bio and explain to him that sometimes people aren't going to want to play with him and that's okay. He is not entitled to a playmate every time SS comes over and for you I say: your SS isn't a babysitter or time occupier for your son. Sure I make my bio and my SS play together BUT I make sure that both of them have their own personal space and SS doesn't feel like he HAS to play with BS. Be careful how what you say and how you tell your SO your feelings...one poster was advised to disengage from her husband's children because he didn't do for hers the way she did for his and it cost her her marriage. Ask him what kind of relationship he wants with your son and what kind of relationship he wants you to have with his. Is it equal? Is it something you can live with?
Thanks for the advice, some
Thanks for the advice, some very valid points
seriously.... your SO is
seriously.... your SO is right, he's not your son's father and he never will be, just as you are not SS's mother and you never will be.
SO will be more strict with your BS, cause he's always there, and SO will be more flexible with your SS, cause he's a week end visitor, it's just how it is.
The 2 boys fighting, stay out of it, it's normal, if they where true brothers this would've happened any way....
but then parents do not really involve themselves lol, they simply say cut it out you two or I will punish you both..
You can still do it in a friendly way...
But if you called off a wedding because of all of these issues, then I would advice work on your relationship, rather go for family counseling before trying to get hitched.
Your husband is not the
Your husband is not the biological father. It’s the plain and simple truth. You need to understand and accept that the REAL father is not him or any other man apart from the one who shares your sons DNA. Yes you want them to have a bond but why do you want your husband to pretend to be something he is not?! Over time he will develop a stronger bond with your child but allow that to happen over the years why are you forcing it and you have been with the man for a year and half.
You can expect him to treat your child like he is the bio if you are not willing to do the same. Regardless of the skid having a mother at home don't expect something from someone else that you wouldn’t do for them.
I think you are being unfair on your son by making him think that your husband is his real father. It’s quite selfish to be honest. You plan to trick the poor kid for years and then crush his heart at an older age. Why? You are saying he is a great father to both children, so what is really the problem here? I think the problem here could be that you resent his child for having both parents in his life whereas your child doesn’t.
You are upset that your partner disciplines your child more than his own??.. Erm hello! Discipline is what parenting is about right? Being a parent isn’t about letting them get away with bad behaviour. If his child is being well behaved then yes he deserves lenient treatment. If your child is acting out a lot then no he doesn’t deserve lenient treatment until he’s better behaved and earned it. If they were equally behaved and he was treating them different then you would have a valid argument.
curiosity - why did you not
curiosity - why did you not report the rape or go to the hospital?
Not that your son is a mistake and not his fault how he got made, I would love my child no matter how it happened
I take my hat off to you
I take my hat off to you Heaven.....
Me too, you're a very strong
Me too, you're a very strong woman!
WE ALL MAKE the decisions
WE ALL MAKE the decisions that seem to be the right ones, at the time we make them. Coulda Shoulda Woulda, hindsight 20/20, right? Well, thank you for sharing, perhaps you regret it, but you did it and you made the decision to do it. Perhaps you will need to explore it further, write it out in a journal, turn it over in your mind.
I am sorry that you had a tough time of it, communities that are built around religion often go in that direction, and the core of the religion gets lost.
My mother had me "out of wedlock", and her parents didn't want anything to do with her at first. Sign of the times. She was a "hippie chick" (I sort of am considered bohemian myself), and yet she loved me more than her own life, and left the abusive man who was my biofather.
Good to know that you protected your innocent baby. Is he happy?
I am going to go out on a
I am going to go out on a limb here and give a little bit different advice than most of what I have read so far.
I don't think all problems are on the guy. I think that OP needs to readjust her expectations.
I think her expectation that her SO would take on the role of FATHER with her son was a bit unrealistic if she meant it that he would act as if the child was his "real" son. He is not the boy's real father. He actually also has a son of his own. Naturally he is going to have a stronger bond with his son that he has had for 6 years vs a boy that he has known for 1.5 that is another man's son.
It sounds like she may be relying on her SO to be the authoritarian in the home and she feels he comes down on her BS more than his own son. That can happen for a couple of different reasons. 1. his son may be better behaved (she said her son can be a handful). 2. He only sees his son intermittently and probably doesn't want to spend it all carping at him. 3. He is is bio son. Unconditional love and all.. it is natural and bred into his DNA.. it isn't a choice he is making.
I wonder if she feels she can step in when the other child is being a bully to her son.. can she say something.. or is it only "dad" that gets to do that. "If my BS is being annoying DH tells him to leave his son alone yet when my SS is bullying my BS, DH hardly ever speaks up" like in this case.. shouldn't she speak up then?
Unfortunately, she has put expectations on her SO that are probably almost impossible for him to meet. I think if she ratchets it back and just expects for him to act as her SO... who is helping to raise HER son.. that is a little different.
I don't think she should be fostering the narrative that he IS the boy's father... that will end badly when the other boy realizes the ruse. His mother is sure to clue him in and imagine the wailing that will ensue when the younger boy comes to mommy with tears saying that his older brother said that his father is NOT his father?
So, your SO can help you raise and care for your son. You said he is good at it... though a bit biased. Nothing wrong with working with him on that balance and putting your own counterbalance out there. However, it sounds like maybe things can work. With consistent parenting, your son is bound to be better behaved right? It's possible that things will improve.
I think what your SO really meant was that he was going to accept that you had a son full time and that he would be expected to be there as a male role model for the child and be involved in his life.. play ball with him etc.. You can't manufacture the true father son relationship.. though I think it can grow to a deeper bond with time.
No I completely agree I my
No I completely agree I my intent was to get some insight. I'm not a perfect parent and after this discussion I agree that yes I am expecting too much and I need to lay off my H and be more honest with my BS. But I don't feel that my H and I need to separate. We accepted the challenges of blending a family when we got married and it's our responsibility to our boys to work through these issues and display a healthy relationship with them and for them.
So thank you all for your input. I have some things I need to work on myself and things my H and I need to discuss. But I do appreciate some of the blunt honesty, sometimes the truth isn't easy to swallow but we do need to hear it and recognize it
So I'll respond from the
So I'll respond from the perspective of someone who's husband wanted the same thing - for me to act as though I'm my stepdaughter's mother. I tried my best and I worked really hard but always felt like I came up short so I would get discouraged and give up for a while - distancing myself from her because it was too much pressure. My husband so badly wanted us to have that mother/daughter relationship but it simply wasn't there. I am not her biological mother and I can't act like I am. When he stopped putting pressure on me and I explained to him how weird it felt being pushed to act as someone's mother, I was able to start forming my OWN relationship with her.
I've known her since she was 2, she's 5 now and we're definitely getting along much better than ever. She's such a great little girl and I do love her, but not like I'd love a child I gave birth to, and that's okay. I stopped feeling guilty for that and my husband stopped expecting that. It's not my fault he chose someone who ended up being a crappy mom and I can't make up for that, nor should I be expected to, but I can be a great stepmom and a great addition to her life.
It gets better, but you have to relax with pushing the dad role on him and let him enjoy being a stepparent and helping you out. Everything he does should be considered "help" and not "obligation" because that's the only way most of us stepparents can get through it without feeling resentment. Also remember, as harsh as it is, YOU made the choice to have a child with his father and his father bailed. That's not your husband's fault and it's not his mistake to fix.
but I can be a great stepmom
but I can be a great stepmom and a great addition to her life.
^^^^THIS^^^ is really the best perspective and role for him to take (well stepDAD..lol).
He can be a great role model and influence. He can teach him things like how to throw a baseball or how to fish. He can treat him kindly and help you maintain consistent boundaries and rules in your home. He can develop a bond with the boy as well, but until they are both ready for it.. he can't be the boy's father.
Now, it is possible that at some point in the future, both he and the child WILL want that. Perhaps he will want to adopt your son? Who knows, but it is too much pressure to MAKE that happen just because you want that for your son. It's sortof like an arranged marriage right?
It's hard enough for two people to find each other and fall in love and have a healthy relationship but to put added pressure that he has to also fall in love with your child.. maybe one step too far for him right now.
It seems that there are a lot
It seems that there are a lot of factors at play, and it might be impossible to tease out all the strands that are adding up to the frustration you're feeling.
I suspect that the bottom line is about boundaries. You want your DH to have a certain kind of relationship with your son, and so you're hyper-vigilant in watching how they interact. In order to give yourself a comparison/baseline, you are also hyper-vigilant in watching how your DH interacts with his son. Then you waffle on how you feel and where you sit on the stranger-mother line with your SS, and that causes you to be hyper-vigilant about your relationship with SS. And on top of all that, you're the mom of a 4 year old 'handful', which means you are on top of him like ham on rye.
You might be well served getting some counselling from some outside of your situation who you trust - like a professional counsellor, a pastor or similar. Of course you want everyone to get along, but the only one you can actually control is you... but it can be hard to see what is you and what is worry when it feels like the stakes are high.