Excluded from family event
Hi, I'm new here Andre so happy to have found somewhere to rant. I am with the love of my life. He has three children. SS28, SD26 and SD18. I get along fine with SS28. SD26 has been better with me since having her own children but SD18 hates me and hasn't spoken to her Dad in over a year since he told her I was moving in.
SD26 is having youngest baby christened and I'm not invited because she's protecting her sister and doesn't want it to be awkward. I do find it hurtful but I can live with not going. However, I break my heart for my partner. Why should he go alone. His ex wife will be there with her husband (who used to be his good friend - now that's what I call awkward). My partner has said he will think about it. He feels hurt that I'm not invited but what's to gain from saying he won't go? It's his grandchild's christening. I won't try and influence him as I'm not going to fall into their manipulative games but I secretly hope he tells them all to go to hell.
I know a lot of folks on here
I know a lot of folks on here will tell you DH needs to stand up for you. If you both consider it a hill to die on, then he should see the sense in standing up to SD18 now, or it will set a precedent for future events. Unless you were somehow responsible for her parents' breakup, then she has no reason to legitimately demand your exclusion. That's like letting a lunatic run the asylum.
It is so wrong for you to be excluded especially since your oppo (BM partner) is invited. Why would SD18 not be just as miffed that he moved in with her mom?
Ask DH what he is so afraid of...I did that when mine would not set boundaries around me with SS25 who was always demanding ludicrous arrangements to placate his BM. My DH took a while to make up his mind, but at least now I am treated fairly, even if the SS will likely never warm to me. I have a similar situation too where BM is with DH's former best friend, what a circus!
On the other hand, if your DH is Disney, and is afraid of "losing" his precious pumpkin, and refuses to see this as an important precedent, then at least you get out of having to last through a stressful and likely boring-as-crud party. Make DH buy the gift though, make him do all that work. Bt, I fear, this will be a sign that like a lot of us, our DHs don't have the character to respect our place and in my case, I just see him as less worthy as a result. Good luck.
I just noticed your comment about DH "feeling bad"..... Well he needs to open a can of whoopass with SD26 and tell her to stop triangulating with her younger sister. Since when does a teenager get to dictate family dynamics. I see the difficulty, they are obviously a group who are used to manipulative tactics...,four women in a house...most guys would crumble under all that drama. Maybe best to distance/disengage yourself because you'll always be the outsider of that female pack. What I said in the paragraphs above would only apply to normal families!
Unless you were responsible
Unless you were responsible for the breakup? What does that mean? If you had an affair?
Seriously, it takes two to tango. No one person is responsible for a breakup. Ok I admit maybe I am knee jerk reacting to that because I have seen divorce through 3 generations of my family and in at least two of them Skids have been outrageously nasty without the new wife being "responsible" for the marriage breakdown!
But to me that reads like "If you had an affair clearly it's all your fault, not his". Sorry just my perspective.
Oops and as a second wife yes DH should ( but maybe won't ever) stand up for you!
I'm sorry but she is his
I'm sorry but she is his wife, it is unacceptable for her to be excluded and especially due to the demands of a bratty teen.
Attending family functions with your spouse is not being joined at the hip. It's being a married couple.
No I didn't miss that part.
No I didn't miss that part. She is her husbands family and as such should be there. You don't invite someone, anyone, to a function and exclude their spouse, that's just very poor form.
I agree, and I have issues
I agree, and I have issues with some coming here and acting like rather than a marriage, SMs should settle for more of a business-type relationship. Yes, I get that an older couple who both remarry might want to continue to do events separately and have separate accounts, etc.
But, this should not be used as the model for all SMs or even close. For some SMs, it is their first marriage, and they deserve a husband and not a business-partnership type arrangement. First SMs have no clue what they are getting into. There is no way in H- they are going to even remotely expect to be excluded and treated as anything other than their husband's spouse or SO, because that is what they are. Also, even if it is the second marriage for both, maybe their first marriage was that bad or they weren't even married and just had kids with someone else, etc., and they now want a REAL marriage. NO one has the right to insist that someone who marriages someone with children has to settle for what I would call a sloppy-seconds business-type arrangement.
No one would ever think to exclude someone else's spouse or SO from an event, other than a SM. For some reason, then it becomes okay. It is in extremely bad taste. And, I always find it suspicious when SKs permit BM to bring her spouse and SO with her to any and all events, but dad is supposed to be perfectly fine leaving his wife at home!?
Happens to me! And as SM (to
Happens to me! And as SM (to 26 and 30 SD's) I am expected to "understand" that my presence (even when we have contributed financially to a party) will upset Bio mum therefore I should be "compassionate" and "strong" and "prove-my relationship" by happily not attending!
Let's say SD decides to
Let's say SD decides to invite her because it's the right thing to do. Why would she WANT to go knowing that she's only being invited out of obligation?
Can't say I've ever wanted to
Can't say I've ever wanted to go to a funeral. I go out of obligation. Because I feel obliged to show up, show support, and show respect. If I were told I were not welcome at the life events of people important to my spouse, because of the hurt or angry feelings of someone I'm not married to, I would expect my spouse to tell them to pound sand. Every time.
@Heavenlike It sounds like
@Heavenlike
It sounds like your dad and SM have settled into what works for them, they are following the path of least resistance and that is great for their situation. I can see DH and I settling into a similar pattern as we get older, except his sons already exclude him from events so BM does not feel uncomfortable. I attend the majority of my childrens sporting events and milestones w/out him. He knows he's always welcome and my kids would never exclude him but he's just not interested in sitting and watching kids run or kick a ball for hours. He raised 2 sons and has been there and done that.
Your parents situation is different since this is what they choose. OP is being told that she is not allowed to attend to *protect* sd18 which is ridiculous. It's beyond time for DH to tell his daughters to grow up and join the adult world where you may have to be in the same space as people you don't like.
I would be appalled if my children treated their fathers SO with such disrespect. I would hope that I had raised them better than that.
Heaven Like does make some
Heaven Like does make some good points about not considering skids as family. It could be though that the OP does not have kids of her own, she doesn't say, but it's sad to see a DH letting these adults get away with disrespecting his wife. They must know it's putting him in an awkward position.
OP may have to accept that her strategy feom now on is totally disengage. If it were me, I would reciprocate only where I am welcome. In my case there are three adult skids and only one SD22 makes an effort to be nice, ie, a birthday card, or invites us to her house for dinner. But, I do know she's joined at the hip to BM and when we (DH and I) are excluded from any event, we just shrug and say tough titties. They're not very interesting people anyway, so why let it break anyone's heart.
The strategy of simply having one's own life is the healthiest. My ex has a childless spouse now in her 50's who attempts incessantly to play "mom" to my adults kids. She even posts photos of "our" sons on facebook, which is cute but could get me angry....does it...no, because I just see it as a lonely heart who wishes she did have bio kids and never had the chance. She can borrow, babysit, pretend all she likes, but they are still my kids forever.
SD18 hates me and hasn't
SD18 hates me and hasn't spoken to her Dad in over a year since he told her I was moving in.
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So up until then, things were just peachy between all of yall? And the only reason was because you moved in with her father?. I feel there may be more to this story.
Are you married?
I'm curious as to the rest of
I'm curious as to the rest of what's been occurring. OP gave a bit in her 1st blog on the blog page and now this forum post on this side. What happened to "sour" things? After three years of dating and being a couple, why was it suddenly 'OMG, no Dad' a little over a year ago when Dad announced he was moving OP in an marrying (not sure if this is live-in GF or actually married/engaged).
Unfortunately on this type of site, there is no hearing the 'other side' , nor getting any version other than the one exactly presented and by the writer. One small glimpse by only one participate of what ever is going on.
I do agree that stepparents should not be excluded especially if it's a case of simply not 'liking' who Dad chose and/or that Dad moved on at all. I do believe , however, there are some stepparents who do not necessarily always 'play nice'. And no, I am not suggesting the OP has not played nice. I am curious though, how does a young lady teen go from being fairly 'ok' with Dad's GF to totally not speaking to her father at all for over a year (since told OP was moving in)?
As to the single invitation? I don't believe in inviting one and not the other. Invite neither if a person can't suck it up for a few hours. On the other hand, in some cases presented here, such as Idvilen, she was included in an invite. Sadly once there, she was treated very poorly. She was hurt, humiliated. No one deserves something such as what her husband's family did to Idvilen.
I find myself thinking what I would do if confronted with a situation like this. I tend to think I would invite neither the sister nor the father (and therefore, not OP either). Or I'd invite all three and they all could decide if they were coming or not on their own. I wouldn't (couldn't ?) choose between two people I love. I think I'd resent being placed in the position to choose.
ETA...I see another member asked about the 'what happened' also after I started my reply, let dog out, refilled coffee, typed some more and finally hit 'save'. Sorry, I didn't mean to step on Willow's questions.
ETA...I see another member
ETA...I see another member asked about the 'what happened' also after I started my reply, let dog out, refilled coffee, typed some more and finally hit 'save'.
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I do that ALL the time! lol.
Well then, that would be the
Well then, that would be the 'what happened'. Youngest child faked it and eventually let out her true feelings. But I can't personally just assume that's it.
The YSD would have been about 14yrs old when first meeting OP. Fourteen year old females can be obnoxious critters. To fake it for three years and then , meh, let it all out? IDK. I was at times an obnoxious teen, but if I didn't 'like' somebody I didn't play weeks, months, nor especially years faking it and putting on pretend. Both my parents knew me way too well to have ever fallen for a fake acting me. I'd have gotten "what the f is your problem" or a "knock the attitude kid, I'm not amused" or "so what's up with the game you're playing at"?
If Dad has had a three year relationship, I guess I would have already figured he was serious about the OP. Taking it to the next step of moving in or marrying shouldn't really come as all that much of a surprise to the youngest SD.
I cannot think of any
I cannot think of any instance where one member of a couple would be invited but not the partner, except for when SKs want to exclude the SM. It is not ok. Period. If SM chooses not to go, fine, that is a decision made within the boundary of a marriage.
This is not an all guys hunting trip we're talking about. It is a situation where the only excluded member of a couple is the SM. Not ok.
Once you start this type of
Once you start this type of behaver, not only will this become the normal. It's a going to get worst. You will be invited to less and less with SD
HL, This is the most backward
HL, This is the most backward piece of malarkey I ever read. But, in some ways all this bickering I always see about whether or not SM should be considered a real spouse or SO of dad's or not and treated like one, is moot.
Because, dad sees her as a human being and his partner. Do you want to a) Hurt your father's feelings?, b) Screw yourself over for life and lessen your relationship with your father? And, notice, I didn't bring up SM at all here, because another thing I'm always absolutely amazed about is that all of this bickering goes on and few stop to think about how dad would feel about all of this! Dad is capable of independent thought and is not an extension of BM in any manner, shape or form.
Grow up and get real. The divorce happened, it was your mom and dad's decision. You didn't ask for it to happen AND neither did SM or step-dad. Parents don't change, but spouses do. Parents = parents and spouses or SO = couple. You treat parents as parents and couples as couples. It doesn't matter who paid the most or for what, etc.
I mean, really? Would you invite Uncle Harry to a christening/family event, but not his wife Laura, even if you knew in your hearts of hearts Laura was not well thought of in the family? No. You wouldn't even think of not inviting her. Or, at a wedding, would you seat Uncle Harry with his ex- from 15 years ago rater than his current wife of the last 10 years? No. This wouldn't even occur to you. Yet, this is the type of shiatsu SMs have to put up with all the time--not being invited or having to sit separate from their spouse of years at family events. HOW THE INVITEE FEELS ABOUT IT DOESN'T MATTER. And, it doesn't matter if YOU THINK the invitee would want to come or not.
If you don't care for or like dad's new partner, then you try to make it work or bite your lip FOR DAD! Unless you don't care for your dad, then maybe you want to go after SM to justify not having to have anything to do with your father. And, believe me, it will work.
Personally, I don't even
Personally, I don't even think you are arguing the issue at hand any more. No one is trying to change anyone. All SMs want is the SAME consideration given all other married couples.
This has nothing to do at all with trying to force others to change. For years and years minorities all over the world have been discriminated against. Many used the same style of "logic" that you do--you can never make them change. Do you think for one moment that that mantra stopped these minorities from insisting on their equal rights. No!
That is what is really going on here and on this forum--A place for stepparents to vent. SPs wanted to be treated just like any other couple. They want to walk in a room with their husband or wife and feel and be treated like husband and wife. They don't want to have to be forced to sit at the back of the bus, like they are lesser human beings or have their marriage treated like it is some kind of lesser marriage.
If everyone took that verbiage you used, "you can never make them change," and gave up, then nothing would ever change. In the year 2017 we'd all be living in caves. You better believe over time and with enough protest you CAN make people change.
This isn't about: Enough time
This isn't about: Enough time and protest to make two stepdaughters be forced to include the SM. This is about enough time and protest to make EVERYONE without even thinking about it include SM.
Every time a SM is forced to give in to the clan and lets the clan treat her like sloppy seconds, the message being given to everyone is, "Hey, it is okay to treat SM like sloppy seconds. See! We are doing it here and getting away with it."
No SM should be treated that way nor should anyone even have that expectation. If people do have that expectation that they can treat someone's spouse however they want vs. as someone's spouse, then they are the one with the problem and they are the ones who need to suffer any consequence. Not SM.
Letting go is one thing--that I agree with. I've done that myself. But, for any adult SK to think that they have a free pass now to not invite SM to anything or not treat SM any more like dad's spouse--NO.
Question. Has any one on
Question. Has any one on either side of your father's or your stepmother's family ever actually flat out excluded father/SM/mother/SF? Meaning while your father was off to a party 8hrs away, did wherever he was headed actually say 'come by yourself or don't come, SM is not invited'?
Otherwise, your father and SM's way of doing their family affairs is not particularly comparable to the OP's case. I get your family is happy and content and it works for both Dad and SM. Great if it works for both of them and they are happy doing it the ways they do...but is it because one side or the other actually said 'don't bring your spouse'?
I think the issue is more
I think the issue is more that the SM/GF/whatever is being PURPOSELY excluded from the 'family' events. It has nothing to do with whether or not it's ok to do things solo when you are in a couple. It has to do with a deliberate attempt to force the man to make a choice between his children/grandchildren and his wife. SM's are CONSTANTLY accused of trying to make Dad choose between the kids and SM, and vilified for it, but when the kids are the ones trying to force dad to choose, suddenly it's just 'the way things are'. SM better suck it up but the kids (even ADULT kids) get all the sympathy because they didn't choose SM.
I'm sorry but I didn't choose either of my brother's wives. And yet if I tried to exclude any of them from a family event for 'not liking them' I would be a total bitch and rightfully damage my relationship with my brothers. Neither brother would be expected to attend the event. Why is that that as soon as the prefix 'step' gets added on, all other social rules fly out the window?
Yep!! Well said!!
Yep!! Well said!!
Heavenlike, we are going to
Heavenlike, we are going to have to agree to disagree. I don't hold that the marriage vows are still binding on one party after the other party breaks them, nor does it devalue the new vows.
FWIW, I am currently very close to my brothers. We get together weekly, and I like both of my SIL very well. Bro2 is on marriage #2 since ex-wife decided to screw her boss while bro was working. Her inability to remain true doesn't mean my bro values his vows any less. And it doesn't mean anyone in the family gets a free pass to exclude SIL2 because "their vows mean diddly squat".
Edit: you are also coming at this from a spiritual point of view. You may have a point there (depending on the reasons for the divorce), though it would probably be a matter of debate, even among like-minded people. From a purely secular point of view (which does include basic social convention), unless the 'contract' aka vows includes that the wife cannot expect support or respect from her new spouse's family, she is entitled to all the SAME expectations as the ex-wife(wives) would have had during their marriage.
Agree, just because a first
Agree, just because a first marriage failed, that does not change the vows exchanged the second time around.
The issue is who is making the decision that SM does not go.
If it is SKs, then that is a splitting tactic, the way DH treats his wife is determined by what others want, and he is agreeing to something he most likely would never do to or expect from anyone else. The kids are determining behaviors within their father's marriage, and that is not ok whether it is the first marriage and the kids are trying to drive the mother away or a remarriage and they are trying to drive the SM away.
Moreover, it is important to ask whether there is an 'end game' going on - is the ultimate goal of the SKs to break up the marriage? It absolutely is the case in my situation. So the answer to the question 'why would you want to go where you're not welcome' is 'because if I am going to insist that my DH's behavior is not driven by what these kids want, and I refuse to be treated by DH in a way that he would never treat anyone else, then I'd better be ready to step up and sometimes make the effort myself.'
If it is a decision made by SM (I don't really enjoy these people and would rather spend my time elsewhere), then that is a completely different kettle of fish. If DH wants SM to go with him, and she doesn't want to go, then that is a third and completely different issue and something for the couple to work out.
This goes right along the
This goes right along the lines that the first or original family is the only one that matters. This is why it's ok for sk's to treat step parents horrible since their marriage is not real and the only marriage that mattered was the one to BM. Is it ok to remarry if a spouse dies or does that too invalidate and weaken all future vows? Are divorcees or widows/widowers to remain alone forever since a consecutive marriage is not as valid in the eyes of *God,* society, and especially children from the first family?
Are children who were born out of wedlock also illegitimate bastards who should not be recognized by their parents? Hmm, I'm sure lots of fathers would be glad to hear that so they they don't have to pay child support.
This line of thinking may have been applicable when women were chattel and considered property and at a time when divorce was not allowed. It's hard to uphold this train of thought when the divorce rate for 1st marriages is 50%. Every person on this board is here because they or their SO was in a previous relationship or marriage with someone, had a child and now they are no longer in that first relationship. Are all of our relationships less valid than our SO's 1st marriage or one night stand?
DH married when he was 19, he agreed to a bunch of vows so he could legally have sex in the eyes of his church. How are those vows that he hormonally rushed into as a teenager more valid than the vows he made to me as a mature adult to solidify our partnership? Why are the opinions of the children that he didn't want but BM did more important than those of me, his wife that he chose?
Just because something happened 1st doesn't mean it's forever and matters more than consecutive events. Time marches on and so do people.
At 19 he wasn't ready for
At 19 he wasn't ready for kids or marriage, I doubt BM was either but that's what was expected of them by their religion. DH never wanted children but BM did, he relented to having one but BM insisted on ss having a sibling so he again relented and they had two. After ss26 was born DH got snipped.
How is it horrible to honestly tell someone you didn't want kids? I think it's more horrible to force kids upon someone that doesn't want them. DH and BM's values were never in alignment on the subject but DH did his *duty* for his church and wife.
If your wife refuses to take bc and she won't sign off on your vasectomy (in our state the wife has to sign off) then if you want to have sex you'll probably get her pregnant.
OMG. What!? You have a
OMG. What!? You have a problem admitting when you are wrong. You act like just because YOU don't want to take so-and-so vows seriously, then you don't have to. I don't like to have to stop at red lights either, but I have to. These are dad's and SM vows to take seriously. They are not vows that they took so others can interpret them however they want. If I wanted to, I could go around throwing my own interpretation on everything and anything, including not stopping at red lights. And, you better believe that would cause problems and then some. Just like "pretending" dad isn't married to someone else can cause problems and then some.
My uncle married the OW six
My uncle married the OW six months to the day after his divorce was final. Grounded my 15yo cousin for crying at the wedding. Refused to let her go to grandma's house after the wedding with the rest of the family for her 'poor behavior'. OW/NewAunt sent nasty letters to my grandma for 'not supporting Uncle in his time of need' because Grandma asked him to stop dating OW until the divorce was final, even though Uncle was living in Grandma's house and having sleepovers. Grandma is very old school and believes in purity until marriage, so Uncle's affair was a double blow to her. NewAunt called the rest of the cousins names for not referring to her as Aunt the very next holiday, even though it had been less than 3 weeks since their wedding and we were all 14 or older.
She's still invited to family events because she and my uncle are a pair. No one would consider asking Uncle to come without her. Then again I royally pissed NewAunt off 10 years later by inviting OldAunt and her new husband to my wedding. OldAunt and I were pretty close at the time - she was helping me with a lot of art stuff I was doing in college (OldAunt is an artist and art teacher). OldAunt wasn't included in any of the family pictures, just treated like a regular wedding guest, but NewAunt hasn't spoken to me since. And I'm ok with that.
I think you missed my point.
I think you missed my point. My cousins haven't forgiven her or their dad. That doesn't mean anyone gets to decide to invite only Uncle. My cousins, whose family it was, still know it's both or none. In early early they both opted for none on occasions where they had a choice. Now they invite both. SM doesn't always come, but she's never been told she can't come (excluding the times when uncle was still married to OldAunt)
Really neither here nor there
Really neither here nor there doing with the bulk of your post, but this line caught interest:
"But he is expected to be with me on every major holiday."
Per the OP it's been over a year since youngest SD has spoken to her father. I'm wondering how they all handled any other type of typical 'family' events. Such as the holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Father's Day, perhaps a birthday. I'm curious if Dad and SM just did their own thing without extended family or how those events were handled. Surely if the Baby Christening is making a problem with invites and who's invited, other holidays/events must not have created similar problems or this one wouldn't have come so shocking , perhaps anticipated and dreaded, but not shocking. Or maybe it has and this is just the first time OP has reached out to vent?
Welcome to the SM world, you
Welcome to the SM world, you are the unwanted and excluded one, just like the rest of us. If your husband does not have the courage to say no way are you going to treat my wife with like this (and many of us have husbands just like yours), let him go alone and alone afterwards to every single thing. Withdraw from everything and disinvite yourself, stay away from them at all cost and erase them from your life, period. If husband has an issue, erase him as well; as he chose to ignore his roles and values in his own family. Funny, how after that you will always be invited to everything; the games steps play...But. you win by staying away from the crazy drama every time.
Thank you for all your
Thank you for all your responses. It's wonderful to hear from others in the same boat.
I have now filled in the gaps on my blog 'Wicked Stepmother Is Me' but to summarise:
I got on okay with YSD but she was frequently petulant and moody but I never involved myself in parenting her as I was just the girlfriend and she already had two parents, albeit that her dad was afraid of losing her.
I can into their lives around 8 years after the divorce and played no part in the breakdown of her parents marriage.
I have a son two years older than YSD. I also work with young people and was interviewed by a panel of young people to get my current job. I can get along perfectly well with young people and have got along perfectly well with YSD when it has suited her e.g. When she wanted to know my career pathway. I've always been pleasant and never viewed myself as a parent. As I said, she already has two.
BM quickly got into relationship with my BF's ex best friend soon after marriage broke up. He has been in her life since she was a baby and is now married to her BM.
Her dislike of me first got aired in summer 2015 when she decided she wouldn't join us on holiday. We were reconciled for a short period of about two months before my OH told her I was moving in.
Somebody asked what has happened for other high days and holidays in the year since she stopped talking. She ignored Father's Day and his birthday which hurt him. He sent presents for Christmas and her 18th and didn't even get a thank you.
I will explain to him that I have no desire to tell him what to do but will be disengaging from herein in so that I have no need to ever be hurt again like this. As someone else pointed out, I would hate being there anyway. SD26 after explaining why I'm not invited said she would like to get to know me better and meet for coffee. I assume disengagement means that's a no? My brother is terminally ill at the moment so I am not up for all these mind games.
I have decided, thanks to your responses, to explain to him that I understand
You're not allowed to go to
You're not allowed to go to the christening but she will lower herself and meet you for coffee like it's some kind of consolation prize. Personally I'd take a pass on that one. You're right that you don't need these mind games right now...or ever.
PS thank you for all your
PS thank you for all your comments. It's wonderful to find people who are going through the same. It's been a bit of a lonely old time as I don't know any other step mothers.
I came from divorced parents.I adored my step mother once I got over the fact that my parents would never get back together. She was wonderful and loving. I adored her for living my dad who would otherwise have been alone in life. I adored my Dad and wanted him to be happy. I wish they were still around.
Thanks again everyone. Looking forward to hearing your views now that I have filled in some of the gaps. I hope I have answered all the queries. I was overwhelmed at how supportive you have all been. I appreciate tgis only comes from my perspective. I'm not sure what her perspective is. She doesn't like that I won't eat trash and so if we go out I draw the line testing fried, over processed food which means some of her restaurant choices are a no for me (I suffer intolerances). She is used to always getting her own way and so this didn't sit well. Other complaints were that I make no effort with her. I disagree. Whenever Ivtried to engage with her she would ignore me and refuse eye contact. Conversations were one way. Gifts bought never seemed appreciated. She wouldn't eat food I made as it wasn't made how she likes it. At the dining table she would engage with her Dad in conversation but refuse to acknowledge any contributions I made, looking only at him. However, when it suited her, she would be friendly and chatty and even laugh with me, including on our first meeting after she had banned me from her presence for around 7 months. You talk about this setting the precedent byt actually the precedent was set way back then and so now my SO is reaping the rewards of not standing up to her. Her not speaking to him because I was moving in is a fine example of her manipulative behaviour and because it didn't work and I still moved in, she now doesn't know how to get back at her father. This was the first opportunity I guess.
Anyway, disengagement, here I come.
TO ALL POSTERS ON THIS
TO ALL POSTERS ON THIS THREAD: I really want to thank you for such insightful and varied comments without devolving into personal attacks. This kind of honest, mature debate is one of the reasons I enjoy ST. I value exchanges like this because it does open my mind to different perspectives on issues.
Now for my own opinion to the OP:
I think you are are approaching this from the perspective of a stepkid who "came around" to your own SM and are hoping that your skids will do the same. Based on your description of these skids (especially YSD) I don't think that will happen. They are different people than you are - with different personalities and values. They also have different parents - and therein lies additional challenges.
I've said this before and I'll say it again, I believe in the aircraft rule-of-life: "You MUST put on your OWN oxygen mask first."
To some this sounds selfish but the reality is that if you can't breathe yourself, you can't help your own loved ones ... nor will you survive. It's a lose, lose.
As you've said, you have enough emotional challenges right now with the impending loss of your brother. Don't drain any more out of your emotional bank and squander it on this right now. Disengagement is indeed your best tactic for the time being.
Instead of wasting precious time at an event you are not wanted at by people who don't care about you, spend every single minute of that time with your brother - if not in person, than by phone if possible. If you can't spend it directly with him, then use the time to pen him a letter, written in your own hand, about your happy memories with him.
There will be time when his life is ebbing that he may reach for that letter some late night, and see his sister's handwriting and be comforted.
This is how we should spend the minutes, hours and days that we live. Not on people with petty grudges and vindictive souls.
Ugh, they sound like drama
Ugh, they sound like drama queens. Your SD26 is in a rough spot because she has a bratty, disordered 18 yr old sister. She likely just wants the baby christening to run smoothly, so I suppose she needed to call the shots right away. It is diplomatic of her to offer a coffee meet, and maybe that's her way of trying to mend the fence with you. You could go for coffee but make it clear to her that the importance of your friendship with her sister is no more than a pimple on your arse....or more politely, you couldn't give a toss what behaviours they display. All that does is hurt their father, is that what they want?
You could appeal to her common sense by pointing out that this is a precendent-setter and that if she wants her Dad's life to be sad and difficult going forward because his partner cannot see his family, then that is her choice. Maybe she will grow some balls and call her sister's BS so it doesn' t dictate HER life too. She should also realise that by doing this, she is likely starting to alienate her own father.
This christening is next
This christening is next Sunday. He kept it from me until next w hoping his daughter would change her mind. She didn't.
To be honest, historically his relationship with the older sister hasn't been great since all the mud slinging that went with the divorce from BM and BM's mother against their Dad who just tolerated it when he was at his lowest ebb - his best friend abandoned their friendship to have a relationship with BM. I mean, how low can you go?
I will pride myself on having a stronger moral compass than these vile bitches and look forward to the karma biting back as I know it will. I hope they enjoy their christening with no Christian.values. How does that work? I think I have more Christianity in my little finger.
You're so right, the
You're so right, the hypocrisy of the situation is laughable. SD's sitting in church all dressed up and pious while dedicating their daughter to Christ, meanwhile DH is alone w/out his SO. Daughters should pick up their bible and read it every once in a while. If they did they would come across this verse, Gen 2:18 "The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone." I'm sure God intended man to be with his wife/SO instead of having his daughters take that place.