Stressful Joint Events
My DH has joint custody with BM (every W and every other weekend). SD8 is very involved in many things like extracurricular sporting teams and girl scouts. SD typically has practice or meetings 2-3x's nights a week and events 2(ish) weekends a month. While DH and I personally agree that's way too much for an 8yo, and are frequently frustrated when these things are scheduled during our time without notice, that is a pretty separate topic. We've lost that battle, mostly disengaged, and are just trying to be as supportive of SD as possible. I really want to get some advice and feedback on how these "joint" events are handled in other families.
For example, if SD has an event on BM's weekend. DH and I go, sit in the crowd, cheer, hug her when it's over, maybe take a few pictures, and go home. We both really hate being in the same room as BM, but by keeping contact to a minimum we are able to focus on why we are really there. However, if SD has an event on our weekend, as soon as BM get's there she will take SD away form us (physically walk her away). It's always something like, "oh let me take you to the bathroom and fix your hair, I saw this cool booth on the way in let's go see, let's go buy you a snack you look hungry, come on let's get you changed into your uniform." She will take away the bag that we packed for SD with a change of clothes and snacks or fight with us when we refuse to hand it over. I don't have any bio kids so I can only imagine how hard it must be for a BM to step back and NOT be their child's mother even for a few hours, but it is really becoming a problem. BM is openly hostile to DH and I which turns any contact into conflict. Minimizing contact just alienates us whenever BM is around. DH has limited time with SD. It is hard enough on him to lose time to these events, but then he isn't even allowed to parent or be involved before/after the event. It is really cutting into OUR time.
We also have similar issues with meetings and practices. (Note: during practices there is a small waiting room for parents with an even smaller window where parents can try to watch their kid's practice.) If the practice is on BM's week night and doesn't require parental presence, DH and I typically don't go. If the practice is on our weeknight, you better bet BM will be there. Before and after the practice she will monopolize SD and again alienate us. During practice she will sit across the room from us and snicker with all the other moms. There is no reason for her to be there on our nights, but we can't really tell her she's not allowed. It's a public place.
Recently, we've tried asking BM to switch us weekends or weeknights for practices/events, but she accuses DH of not caring or supporting SD's interests. She even goes as far as making comments to SD implying that dad doesn't want to watch your practice or deal with taking you to events. It's becoming miserable to continue involvement this way, but we are made out as villains if we don't!
I have a similar relationship
I have a similar relationship with my SS's BM. And they too are involved in everything under the sun.
I handled the issue by not going to all the events and to none of the practices. If BM is going to attend every practice, drop SD off and go back when it is done to pick her up. Who cares what BM says about it. Have your DH tell SD that he doesn't want to argue with BM so he wont be attending practices. Be honest with SD. I'm sure your SD is clearly aware of the conflict when you are all together. And at games, sit on the opposite side. Who care is BM is sitting there talking trash about you to the other moms. Our BM used to do that also. It didn't take long before she was sitting there alone. A lot of the other moms got tired of hearing her spew her ignorance and stopped sitting with her. And finally, leave the bag of clothes and snacks out in the car until after the game. If BM asks for it, just walk away.
You are giving her too much power over you.
I gave my DH a 25 foot rule. I do not want to be within 25 feet of BM at any time.
I need to make sure I
I need to make sure I understand what you are suggesting. Are suggesting that OP be the step mom that "won't even hug" the step kid? SM's can't win for losing with you. So here you have a SM being supportive of a kid and she isn't allowed to hug the kid because of BM's "feelings". REALLY :?
What is the need for you to
What is the need for you to assume that the SM initiates the hug? News flash, people that care about other people often hug them, it doesn't change who the hell gave birth to them.
Are you suggesting the step mom not be able to go in to the "parents room"?
Of course I will help pay for
Of course I will help pay for my SD's college. Anything my DH contributes towards college will come out of OUR money. If he loses his job tomorrow, in reality it will be MY money paying for her college.
Are you putting your salary
Are you putting your salary (part of it anyway) in a education account for her now? What would you do if you broke up with her dad?
I understand the notion that if you combine finances that you can be defacto subsidizing the Skids... but I would go into this hornets nest with your eyes wide open. Do you have kids or plan on it.... then how much will they get vs the skid who also has another parent that can chip in?
No I really appreciate the
No I really appreciate the devil's advocate here. I asked for help, and this is a different perspective. My DH wants me there and complains when I try to bow out, but maybe forcing him to go and face things on his own would encourage him to step up, take a more active role, and finally tell BM to back off.
"Really, because I see a SM
"Really, because I see a SM full of hugs, going to all events, trying to be SMOTY. They BOTH need to give dad space with his kid."
God forbid she shows interest in the child she's likely raising part time? What, should she ignore her? Ignore any of her interests? Refuse to hug her because BM is around?
BM in our situation is quite crazy but even SHE recognizes my part in SD's life. I've never once had her show concern or anything over me hugging my SD, and she runs over to me and jumps in my arms as soon as we pick her up from her 2 week visit in the summer. BM sits there and sucks it up because even she's decent enough to realize you don't raise a child without having love between the two of you.
If BM's don't want a third parent in their child's life... here's an idea: DONT GET A DIVORCE OR BREAK UP WITH YOUR CHILDS FATHER
I don't understand... I'm my
I don't understand...
I'm my stepdaughters stepmom. I AM one of her parents, regardless of who says otherwise. Biology isn't the only thing that makes you a parent. If that was the case, than I guess my dad was WAY overstepping when he raised my brother as his own for 18+ years and he's still the only father my brother talks to.
My stepdaughter has a mom, yes, but if you ask her, she'll say she has two mommies. Neither I nor DH has EVER told her to consider me her mother. It's just that she lives with me, she's part of my family, and naturally, I end up doing "mom" things for her because I love her and she loves me.
I don't know too many stepparents who treat their stepkids as their own than decide not to pay for college, or give their own child the money instead of their stepkid. You seem to have this point of view that stepparents are awful if they want to be involved.
Personally, I think it'd be awful for a young girl to live with her father and father's wife while the wife refuses to show love to her. What's so wrong with having more than 2 parents who love you?
Meh - I say "we" and "our"
Meh - I say "we" and "our" and "parent" all the time in MY house.
I also say "we" when referring to things that involve both of us and guess what? Skids living full time in my house ABSOLUTELY involves both of us.
As usual, your BM is showing.
"your BM is showing" LOL this
"your BM is showing" LOL this is an easy way to put it, yep.
I understand your point, but
I understand your point, but please let me clarify. DH and I just so happen to have the SAME option on EC's. I realize that his opinions are the only ones that matter, but they too are ignored.
As far as the hugging, do you really think that's a problem? SD and I are very close, I've been in her life since she was 3. Frequently SHE is the one initiating the hug. I don't feel like it would be right to ignore her or not congratulate her just because BM is there.
I know it is impossible for
I know it is impossible for her to stop being a mother. I said that because I am trying to put myself into her shoes to understand how hard it must be for her to stop parenting. And yes, I fully believe she needs to stop parenting during DH's time. By her over parenting (or being "motherly"- though clearly that was the wrong choice of words) she is actually not allowing my DH to be a parent at all. I'm trying to walk to line between not overstepping and defending my DH.
MY SO's CO states that unless
MY SO's CO states that unless it is a school related event that BM is not present herself at an activity when the activity falls on SO'S time. He originally allowed her to come to the kids event but then it became a nightmare for him and the skids bc BM made it a competition so he showed her the CO and told her to get lost on his time.
I'm sure BM basks in the glow
I'm sure BM basks in the glow of her MOTY trophy. She does all this stuff to reinforce the image and reality that SHE is the MOTHER.
Since this is a girl it is even easier for her to want to take charge because of issues like going to change, doing hair etc... those are areas that dads may not do as well with, or be allowed in (girls locker room).
My advice would be to grin and bear it. If it aggravates you, don't attend as many things as you have been. Let BM be BM and while I am sure you don't like her... just ignore her.
This is good advice: ^^^^^My
This is good advice: ^^^^^My advice would be to grin and bear it. If it aggravates you, don't attend as many things as you have been. Let BM be BM and while I am sure you don't like her... just ignore her.
AND to add .2 to this I think you should take it upon yourself to look as foxy and HOTT as possible each time you see BM and kill the BMOTY with sweet smiles and kindness she is very obviously insecure about her position in her child's life.
WEll isn't that nice - can
WEll isn't that nice - can adequately replace MANY things:
"WTF, EFF YOU, EFF OFF, Mind your own business Bch, WTFH, Is she CRAZY?, Oh Great, more Drama..."
Yes thank you LadyFace. SD's
Yes thank you LadyFace. SD's hair is already done, she is already dressed and shouldn't need to be changed, and if the mom wants to take her shopping she should not do it on dad's time. If SD is hungry her dad can take her to the concession. BM is physically pulling SD away from DH whenever she can.
I LOVE these ideas! I will
I LOVE these ideas! I will probably have to encourage my DH to say many of them. Usually all hell breaks lose anytime I speak.
DH is very non
DH is very non confrontational and typically won't speak/stand up to BM. But he is at least allowed to make innocent comments. I am very defensive of DH, but I do refrain from standing up to BM because I KNOW it isn't my place. I, however unlike DH, cannot even make innocent comments without death glares or arguments. I end up feeling like I can't even talk to my SD in front of BM, and that really isn't right. I am NOT trying to be her mother, but does that mean I'm not allowed ANY role in her life?
Innocent comment.... like
Innocent comment.... like what.
When you try to speak about things relating to the child with the BM... you are probably overstepping in her mind. Your DH needs to fix this with his ex. You can't fight the battle for him.
like.... idk speaking at all.
like.... idk speaking at all. I feel like anything I say is skewed into me overstepping. "wow great job SD, we are so proud of you!" and suddenly I'm not allowed to proud. OR SD asks if we can go out to dinner after. Heaven forbid that I be the one to respond, because I'm the one who actually keeps a schedule and knows we already have dinner plans. I really try to keep quiet, but I think that just puts more stress on me. I think I need to either stop going/ stop speaking. OR stop being so sensitive and allowing her hate to get to me.
I really try to keep quiet,
I really try to keep quiet, but I think that just puts more stress on me. I think I need to either stop going/ stop speaking. OR stop being so sensitive and allowing her hate to get to me.
^^^ this ^^^
There is no reason to go out of your way to praise the child in front of her mother. Smile, say nothing. Don't go to so many of the practices. Stop speaking up. Let your DH deal with it. If it's something you know about .. let him ask you and you answer him.
Also, stop being as sensitive. It must be hard for BM too to see her daughter with you. There is bitterness there and while it's not necessarily your fault..it is what it is. The girl will appreciate it if you can keep conflicts to a minimum.
I think it's especially hard
I think it's especially hard for me because I do have a close relationship with SD. That is how we interact at home and in private. I'm not "going out of my way" to speak to her. It would actually be going out of my way to keep quiet. (But maybe that is the answer if that is what is best for SD and interactions with BM.)
Yes, I definitely agree with
Yes, I definitely agree with this - Ive been experiencing a big loyalty bind situation, and the SD10 has told me in the past that her mother cries or gets upset or get really jealous when anything positive about me is mentioned. Like my teaching her how to cook, or do flower cuttings from geraniums, or taking her places, like the park that her mother never ever does.
If you have a loyalty bind/high conflict situation, it is best to be the observer, and allow the kidling the space to enjoy her activities (young once!) with both her parents. Without conflict.
That's a good point. I think
That's a good point. I think there is probably a lot of that going on behind the scenes as well. While my DH and I have been dating several years, we recently got married. I know there has been a very large amount of loyalty issues involved with that (completely separate massive topic).
LOL this is funny do this for
LOL this is funny do this for sure
BM needs to keep up her MOTY
BM needs to keep up her MOTY act. That's not going to change. There really are only two options.
1. let BM continue to monopolize the child at events.
2. Dad can assert his control and stop this. Thanks any way BM, I got this. should be repeated often.
As far as the SM. I would be a ghost at these things. Hug/no hug, I wouldn't go out of my way to do that with the child unless the child initiates it. No sense in trying to put a SMOTY show on.
That is a tough sitch either
That is a tough sitch either way you go on that one...I have a BM who is very much like that, and I am the ghost that attends but is not seen or talked to, especially since SD10 is really more into her friends right now. I go to events and parties, and am just supportive. I am of the opinion that DH's time is really HIS time, and he should step up and claim it. if he chooses not to and lets BM walk all over him, all you can do is point out what is going on and give your opinion.
She is the mother, and wants to be involved. But also, there needs to be a balance between activities and family time. You can do only so much, and definitely stay away from high-conflict BM. Last year at SD10's bday pool party BM had her little crew and was blabbing away about us, as we lounged to the side. Shes a total Btch but she was hosting. Common events always make me nervous, are always fraught with emotion and require many cocktails.
I am reading this post at my
I am reading this post at my 8 year old's Tae Kwon Do class. All the extracurriculars suck, I agree. I have to do Girl Scout cookie booths on Saturday and it's his weekend. He is going to be doing fun stuff with our other two. But it's often me and my daughter's stepmom at Tae Kwon Do. I don't care. It doesn't make me less of a mother if she's there. My daughter wants us both here and loves us both. I am. Not threatened. I just don't like it when step mom tried to be mom on her very first day of school ever and dad wasn't there but I was and stepmom was wiping my daughters tears and holding her hand and showing her the cubby. I had always dreamed of the first day of school and how it would go and I didn't get my moment. Stepmom was really into ballet when she was young. She paid for and enrolled my 9 year old when she was in Kindergarten. She took her to most of the classes. So when the big recital came, I sat in the audience and she got to be back stage and doing her hair and off stage to hand her roses. That was her moment and owed to her as she did all the hard work.
You're so wonderful, lol.
You're so wonderful, lol. This is such a nice situation for your daughter to be in. Way to put your daughter first and let her enjoy having a relationship with her SM!
IMHO you and DH deal with
IMHO you and DH deal with this by confronting BM about it each and every time she pulls this crap. If it is your/DH's time then you both need to give BM this clear message.
"No, this is my visitation time and you will not usurp my time with my kid. If you can't knock this crap off then I will no longer tolerate your presence during my time with my kid. When I am at a kid event during you time we observe, give the kid a hug, then leave. If you cannot behave similarly during MY time with MY kid then your presence will not be tolerated. Got it? Good. Buh-bye."
Lather, rinse, repeat. Bare her ass directly, publically, and consistently when she pulls this shit.
Zero tolerance.
If BM was acting reasonably then I would advise that you and DH deal with her reasonably. Since she is interfering and not behaving reasonably... own her idiot ass.