Help- Should I attend SD's birthday party?
Hey Fellow Steps,
This is actually my first post, although I've visited the site many times. I've found that reading your post have helped me deal with my own situations. However this time I could really use some direct advice.
My SD's birthday is this Saturday. BM is throwing a dinner but is not including the small kids. That means my SS isn't going, as well as her son that she has with her new husband. My daughter with DH is six years old which cuts her from the list. I understand and have no problem with that, except a tinge of disappointment not being able to celebrate w/ SD for our birthday. She has invited many of my in-laws, so I have no one to watch our daughter. DH t told BM and her reaction was a snarky " aww too bad." DH really wants me to go so he asked if our daughter could come and it was "if she must." I decided I would just have a mother and daughter date. The next day when visiting my MIL, I run into BM. Of course in front of my MIL her attitude was all jovial " You should come and bring her." When I said I made plans, she said " You should be there for SD." Then MIL is looking at me all side eyed.
With my MIL I've been already feeling sort of icky. She goes to parties with BM's family that we aren't invited to and always as this I should be thankful to be in this family attitude. She's not completely a jerk but it's always underlying. To be honest I find her quite two-faced.
Also my new SIL who recently married my brothers husband will be there. I thought we were getting close I was one of her bridesmaids, she was also mine. I vented to her a few months ago about how stressed I was that BM quit her job, yet I'm working my ass off so she can be a full time fashion blogger. Well sure enough she starts following BM on Instagram and supporting her blog page.
My DH really wants me to go, he say's if I start not going to the events he won't want to either. I don't feel like he should miss his daughters party but I don't feel great about going.
Should I go or should I just hang with my daughter? Also any advice on how to deal with MIL and SIL?
Just in case you didn't hear it today, you guys are amazeballs!
Thank you for the reply. I
Thank you for the reply. I don't follow BM but I peak on her Instagram page, which I know is wrong and that's how I discovered that my sis-in-law was following her.
I don't feel comfortable leaving my daughter with someone I don't know. Unfortunately I wasn't able to find anyone to watch her.
My stepdaughter and I have been working on building a solid relationship. It isn't quite a bed of roses but for the most part we get along.
The "our" was a typo. We
The "our" was a typo. We used to do separate parties but once I started my little cake side business, and became quite good than she wanted to have joint parties. Of course always having the kids ask me to make their cakes.
We are not footing the bill, everyone is paying their portion.
I wouldn't say they hang but
I wouldn't say they hang but they are very friendly. Occasionally my MIL will go to her family parties, that we are not invited to.
So BM sounds like an ass.
So BM sounds like an ass. This would be my train of thought. While I really wouldn't want to be within a 100 mile radius of BM if I could help it... the fact that she snarkily said "bring her if you must" (which means she's not thrilled about it) but then in the presence of your MIL acts all smarmy and sweet and says "Oh bring her!" I'd fucking go and bring her... because that's what BM DOESN'T want. Up her nose with a rubber hose. Your DH will be happy, MIL will be happy, SD will be happy, DD will be happy, and BM will be whatever BM will be... WHO CARES?!
But that's just me. I like to stick it to asshole BM when I can.
I literally just lol'ed at my
I literally just lol'ed at my desk just now.
Time to disengage a
Time to disengage a little...
Tell your DH to buck up and go support his daughter. He will be fine without you for one night. If he doesn't want to go without you that is his problem, not yours. Go out with your daughter and enjoy an evening together. Then when you have SD, make her a cake and have a little celebration together. The only time I will consent to being in the same room as BM is for something large, like a wedding or funeral. Regular birthday parties do not qualify. There is no reason for you to go. And who cares what MIL or SIL think! It sounds like they have continued to have a relationship with BM and they are entitled to do so but that doesn't mean you have to participate. If they can't accept you as the new wife, that is their problem, not yours. This step-parenting thing is hard to say the least but one of the things I have learned in the last 5 years is that I'm going to do what works for me and I cannot control other people's reaction or decisions.
Starting this practice is
Starting this practice is bound to backfire eventually on you and likely more immediately for you and your child/children. I would not attend and have my own family celebrations, instead. It is hard enough without the BM involved, add her in and OMG, what a mess.
Going--will not keep the peace, in fact, it may result in much worse for you, given long term expectations.
Welcome to the step-parent world, it is a lonely place, so we make our peace here with each other.
I think every SM needs to do
I think every SM needs to do what she feels most comfortable with at the moment. I think too often SMs second guess themselves, when usually there is very little way for them to come out ahead regardless. You go and bring your daughter = intrusion. You don’t go = you don’t like them. So on and so on.
I can tell you as a long time SM, this type of “dilemma” will happen at least 1,000,000 times more in your lifetime. Save yourself a lot of heartache and go with what works for you at that moment in time, even exclusive of what your DH may want. He is your husband, but he has no idea what it is like for his wife/SM.
This comment caught my eye, “The next day when visiting my MIL, I run into BM. . . MIL her attitude was all jovial " You should come and bring her." When I said I made plans, she said " You should be there for SD." Then MIL is looking at me all side eyed.” MIL is setting you up right there. Damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. Do what works for you.
“The next day when visiting
“The next day when visiting my MIL, I run into BM. . . MIL her attitude was all jovial " You should come and bring her."
That part of your post caught my eye too. I would have said "But you already told us we can't bring her?" right in front of MIL.
Don't let them push you around...if you don't want to go, and would prefer to have a part for SD at your place, just do that.
This exactly! You can play
This exactly!
You can play her game too!
Try - here's my go at the
Try - here's my go at the situation:
- Have a fabulous time with your sweet DD. If you are not welcome to this thing, and she is not, it will stress you out big time, you will not really enjoy yourself, and why waste time and energy on it? Have your DH go, and perhaps next time there is a bday party - be better prepared with sitter if need be, dress to kill, look fabulous and go. You can do something special with SD separately this time around.
- As to Sil - lurking on social media opens all kinds of cans of worms. I do it too, though, and have read parts of BMs relationship and posts, and whatnot. We have many FB friends in common, and she has commented on my comments (that have been deleted at my request). Its icky for me to see her name and her comments, but I do not block her...Your SIL - do you still have a good relationship? Do be careful who you vent to, but also keep in mind that SIL might be trying to be friends with everyone and trying to fit into the family.
- MIL - the best I can figure is stick it out, and just be the best version of YOU. Her son chose YOU, and she has probably figured that you might not stick it out, given his previous choices (although she might not have seen the real person BM, the older people get, the sharper their BS meters get) but the fact that you have a positive relationship with her Granddaughter should give her hope for a bright future with you in it. Let her have the snooty attitude, but in the end, shes going to have to deal with you.
I think you're letting your
I think you're letting your husband guilt you into this. He's a big kid and he can go by himself. His little "if you don't come with me then I won't want to go" crap is just that-CRAP! He should go because it's his daughter's birthday; if he doesn't want to go then he shouldn't have agreed to have a joint dinner eliminating half his family (you and your daughter). You didn't want to go, you didn't have a sitter, BM pretty much made it clear she didn't care if you couldn't make it or find a babysitter but that she didn't really want your kid their so with all of that what conclusion do you come to? Don't go. Your DH has his mom, SIL and other family to talk to so there's no need to drag you into this miserable mess when you can be having a special dinner with your child...you know the one who will remember it and be grateful you spent some mom time with her.
I might be wrong here... BM
I might be wrong here...
BM invited people but there's an age cut off.... your daughter falls into this bracket, BM's own son is in this bracket and not attending - BM is not wrong here..
DH is wrong, you can't find a baby sitter and decided to stay at home, that's your right.... DH can still got to the party and if he refuses to go cause you are not going, it's on him, not you
I have to admit, I agree with
I have to admit, I agree with you on this one, because that is more or less my philosophy now: I get to pick and choose which family events I want to go to, and if I don't choose to go, DH can certainly go alone, and if he chooses not to go alone, it is on him and not me. I signed up to be DH's wife and, yes, even be a part of his children's lives thru him. However, I didn't sign up to be the family punching bag. His divorce and the fall out = his and his family's problem or issue. At the end of the day, whatever kind of relationship they have is on them.
That is why what I really focused on above was MIL's comment above. Almost sounded to me like she was trying to play BM and DH's wife against each other and thought it was cute or something. The issue was pretty much nicely settled, and then MIL had to put in her two cents. Beware. Some women love playing other women against each other, and then pretend to be the go-to person that everyone can come to. Meanwhile, so-and-so said this or that is being spread all over the place. Gives them a sense of power. It is way too early to tell, but SIL may have inherited this trait too.
Thank you guys I have decided
Thank you guys I have decided not to go and enjoy the day with my DD. It would be the first time that I declined doing anything and I feel empowered with your support. I might just be on here everyday asking for advice.
RING RING---"BM this is your
RING RING---"BM this is your x. WE hope you have a wonderful time at the dinner. MY wife and I are unable to attend.
You may want to call The Piggly Wiggly and order a cake too, wifey cant help this time SORRY. SHE decided it is best to not bake for any family gatherings.
dh
OP, my dh would not go after he got wind of that remark "IF YOU MUST" Your dhs x sounds like one of "those" x's. Snarky remark is being kind.
***DO NOT BAKE or offer your business services to family---bad bad bad idea***
I am not one to tolerate
I am not one to tolerate being marginalized. So... I would go were I you and I would bring your daughter. Prepare by doing a nice shopping and makeover day before you go. Be radiant, be happy, this will give you, your DH, and your daughter the confidence to make a point that regardless of the manipulative MIL and toxic blended family opposition crap you are living your lives well as a family.
Be ready to laugh off (literally) any low level toxic crap that anyone may sling in the direction of your family. Anything more significant be ready to confront it directly and immediately. Your DH needs to understand clearly your expectations from him in the event his mother or his X or anyone else for that matter takes the event toxic.
Toxic dipshitiots like these people are like cockroaches who will scurry around in the shadows but will run for the dark corners when a light is thrown on in a roach filled room. By being radiant you will be the light, they will scurry like the cockroaches they are.
Most of all.... have fun! }:) Living well, being happy, and not tolerating idiocy or allowing it to influence you beyond it being entertaining for you to laugh at is the best revenge against toxic idiots.
Enjoy!!!!!
As for making the cake for BM's party for the SKid... nope. I would make that your special thing. Make the Skid a special cake and present it at your home when you have your own family celebration of the birthday. I would not share that with BM or a toxic extended blended family were I you.
Meh, no one excluded you in
Meh, no one excluded you in the invite nor treated you any differently than the other invited guest. BM is hosting a birthday dinner party with an age requirement. Your daughter didn't make the cut. Not because she's your daughter or because she is being singled out personally. Your daughter is being treated just as SD's own siblings are. SD's brother and half brother didn't make the cut either.
I do 'get' the frustration BM feels in making an exception for your daughter. Of course she's not overly happy with last minute including her...I wouldn't be either. And it has nothing to do with who you are or who your daughter is. BM managed to find sitter and/or make arrangements for SS and the half sibling, even though this is a big family gathering. Look, it's not BM's fault you have no alternative babysitter. You really need to seek out a person who you trust and can occasionally count on to watch your daughter.
Why take your daughter if no other children of her age frame is going to be there. Boring. Kid would get to sit next to you and DH all evening. *yawn*
If you were asked to bake the cake and happily agreed to do so prior to your lack of knowing you needed a sitter for your daughter and deciding to stay home, you should bake the d*mn cake. To not do so is showing a revengeful action of a pouting woman. No one forced you to agree to a cake. No one excluded you. No one made up special age restrictions just to alienate you or your daughter. It was actually rude for your husband to ask for special permission for your daughter to be included. Did he ask for his son (your SS) to also be included? No?
Had you of had your own sitter, you'd be shopping for a lovely outfit and excitedly preparing to attend a happy celebration of your SD's birthday. The kid is six. You can't rely on family members to babysit every time you want to go out or attend a kiddie free event. Surely there's someone you could get to know that you can trust with your daughter. Church member? Co-worker? Neighbor? School friend's mother? How old is SS? Could he babysit? He wasn't invited either.
I would definitely go. If you
I would definitely go. If you can get a trusted and safe sitter of course. Perhaps a friend of hers from school, asking the other parents to have her over and you will be happy to reciprocate another evening? You should not have to miss the birthday party and also it's important to DH that you, his wife, be by his side. Get a new knockout dress, hair done, killer heels, stiff upper lip and a big smile as you walk in holding DH's hand!!!