Thank Goodness for this Place to Vent!
I will try to make it short. My DH's daughter is a real dirt bag. I have done everything I could over the last ten years that we have been married to be kind to her. But no more. No more! She ill be 31 this summer and behaves like a 12 y/o. My DH is a good guy and I know that this cow has had a good life. But my DH and his wife had very poor parenting skills. I am in no way perfect, but I did manage to raise two beautiful, intelligent, truly decent daughters. I had so many issues that I had to deal with while raising them but I somehow powered through. So called SD has never referred to me as such. She calls me her dads wife. But thats OK because I never considered her my step daughter, just his daughter that I tried to help. Her and her now ex-husband have lied, cheated, stolen, done drugs, mistreated animals, killed one dog and she has given birth to 4 - count them - 4 babies of which she has custody of NONE! - Why? Just out of pure laziness, not wanting to work and wanting everyone and anyone who will give her money and things. She blames everyone but herself. Her own mother even left her because she is so horrible. Her mother went back to the country she was born in, she never returned to se that dirt bag of a daughter of hers or her granddaughters. She just stole some more money from us by way of charging an unauthorized iPhone so we cut her off completely and she told me that I am no one to her and that I am the reason that her parents got divorced. Ummm, that would be a NO, her mother left the marriage on several occasions "because she felt like it" - she's done it several times to where my DH just wanted a normal life because between his estranged wife and his criminal daughter he was so unhappy. I did a lot for that ungrateful dufus of an idiot. I removed her name from my contacts on my phone and told my DH that I want nothing to do with her anymore. Can I be honest with all of you? I know it's not very nice but I wish I could get her back, but Im thinking she's going to get hers right? My DH says that he will send her birthday money and probably if she asks he will send her additional money. He says "well after all she is my daughter" - Is it right to cut her off? Should she be cut off completely? Also, my ex-husband has remarried. He has a very nice wife, so it seems. So we have 2 daughters together and ever since we have been divorced I have had to tell him every step of the way what to do for our girls, just like when we were married. When our older daughter gave birth to her first baby, some time went by and I said to him did you send anything for her and the baby? He said no, so I told him what to do. to this very day our two daughters don't know that I have to call him for everything to do the right thing. Like constantly. Which is something else I need your advice on - we were married for 34 years, he and his new wife are married maybe 5 years, I lost count. I constantly ask him if his papers are in order if something should happen to him as far as his beneficiaries go? He answers me the same way he's been answering me for those 34 years - he says "I'll take care of it". Never a straight answer. My question to you - who has the right to his insurance policies? The new wife or his 2 daughters? He has never been one to take care of business, the only thing that he is good at is keeping his job. I've made sure that I have insurance to leave them, it's not a huge amount but it is something and they won't have to use it for anything but themselves. Thank you for listening. I would love your advice and opinion. :?
Would love your opinions
Would love your opinions
La - the Karma truck will hit
La - the Karma truck will hit your SD30. Hard. Trust me! You don't want your hands dirty. Sounds like you have your hands full with that EXH. BTW - he is no longer YOUR responsibility, so you should leave that one alone. Do you want to be the BM who meddles, so that he has to explain to his new wife of whatever# of years? That is a major source of hurt with most of us Steps, is that we have to deal with not only the SKids but the BMs and THEIR unwanted interventions.
And further, one of the edicts given by disengaging is that you leave the parent to be the parent, even if you think they should not be doing anything for them, and they still do. Yes it bugs, but you have to pick your battles.
Your husband's daughter is
Your husband's daughter is 31, time for her to get a job and support herself. My husband has a daughter who is lazy and refuses to work and he is quite disgusted with her in that respect. We do NOT give her money.
Stop mothering your ex husband. What he does or doesn't do for the daughters and grandkids is on him. I know that my husband would not appreciate his ex wife calling him and telling him what to do regarding his grown daughter (and neither would I, for that matter).
Your ex husband's beneficiaries are really none of your business, neither of your kids are minors. I'd say that unless his current wife nagged him to change anything, the beneficiaries are still the same as when you were married (if he's bad at taking care of business). Either way, it's HIS business.
Relax. Your husband's daughter is not your responsibility and your ex husband is not your responsibility.
Thank you all for taking the
Thank you all for taking the time to read and respond. Clevergf99-yes, I am definitely going to stop with the phone calls to the exh, your point is well taken on that, however, I am angry (not bitter) about the crap that this loser sd has put me through, I didn't want to take up too much time giving details there are so many. I think I gave enough so that you can see what kind of a person she is and if you don't think I should be angry than you are a better person than I . What's eating at me? I think what's eating at me is that I know she's is going to keep giving in to her and let her keep taking advantage of him, and yes, I know that there is nothing I can do.
DirtyD - I agree! Will do! Thank you!
Clove - Thank you! I agree with everything and no, I don't want to and will not be that person that meddles, I thought that I was just looking out for my daughters but I will let the universe take care of all of this from now on. It's just that I do all of the work behind the scenes and exh comes out smelling like a friggin rose every time!
Hereiam- thank you for your advice also. Well received. Not going to engage in this stuff anymore then since it seems like the wrong thing to do. Thank you all
I echo what everyone else
I echo what everyone else said. Leave the ex alone...that's just weird. And his money is his money and he can leave it to whomever he wants. In my state the spouse is entitled to everything.
As to the SD, disengage, she's a miserable piece of crap. Do you have separate finances? If your DH is sending her money for her birthday, that's his problem. BTW, most stepscum like to blame the new spouse for their parents breaking up. Don't take it personally.
WHy are you still involved
WHy are you still involved with your Ex husband?? You have no say on his affairs..... so just butt out...
Why are you involved with any of the adult children? Sounds like you are the over bearing nosy mother and ex wife...
just stop it and live your own life....
If your exH dies it's not your problem, it's between his daughters and their SM ... you need to step back
We are talking about adults here not about minor children
At 31 it Is long past time
At 31 it Is long past time for SD to be cut off. I understand your frustration but at this fairly late stage it is not likely that you an motivate your DH do change how he deals with hi XW and prior relationship spawn. He has already established that she is his daughter and he will support her in spite of the fact that she is a useless POS. Good luck on that element of your post.
As far as continuing to coach your XH and reminding him of how to be a decent father.... time to stop that crap too. Let him crash and burn or soar on his own initiative and stop parenting your XH.
Just my thoughts course.
Good luck.
Agree with everyone above -
Agree with everyone above - your exH's financial affairs are NONE of your business. How would you like it if your DH's ex was calling him up and asking him questions about what your POS SD was getting upon his death? Not very much, would you?
Stay out of other adults' financial affairs. IMO, you are lucky that your DH's wife hasn't called you out and told you to point-blank F-off for asking HER husband such questions about THEIR financial affairs and estate planning!
Lastly, instead of worrying about what may or may not transpire in regards to your SD, I would strongly suggest you take that energy and go and visit an attorney - on your own. If your DH is so gullible and guilty that he continues to give his daughter money, it will never stop. As you get older and more feeble you may discover he is going to be even more generous with her - to the point it may drain your joint finances or create debt YOU may legally be responsible for.
Find out how you can protect your OWN assets - stop worrying about everyone else's.
Wow - thank you everyone for
Wow - thank you everyone for your advice. I think that I had already stated that I got it from the first replies. So I just read the second round and I don't see why it is necessary to be so harsh while giving your advice or stating your opinions. I get it - thank you very much! I was called angry and bitter and some other things. We are all in the same boat I think? Is it necessary for us to speak like this to each other? I don't think we have to be rude to each other to get your opinion across. Good luck to all of you.
I think you should have a
I think you should have a heart to heart with your husband about why it is in his daughter's best interest that he quit throwing money at her. She needs to learn to be responsible for herself.
He should be investing in his retirement with you, not still supporting his grown ass daughter. I would be pissed, too.
To hereiam and step aside,
To hereiam and step aside, thank you so much for your advice to me. I drive myself crazy trying to make everyone happy. All of your opinions make me realize that I have to stop. I know that I cannot be everything to everybody. I'm always trying to make things right and I can't, so I'm going to stay out of everything from now on.
I am so glad to not have to be in the company of one of the most disrespectful people I've ever met. To give birth to 4 children and farm them out to other people because she is too lazy to care for them is just amazing. I remember being with her and one of the little ones had a dirty diaper and she said she couldn't change the diaper, she said she just couldn't do it. Unbelievable!
Stepaside- I love what you said about me NOT having to return kindness when being attacked. That statement is so important to me. Some of us were always told that even if someone is unkind to us that we should return that with kindness. Well, that is very hard to do.
We're always taught "don't bring yourself down to their level" or "be the bigger person" well you know what ? The hell with that from now on.
Yes SD made me extremely angry up until just before Christmas. But I've disconnected from her, and taken her phone # out of my phone.
I feel really good and free from her. I have wished my DH good luck with her because he is struggling with her also. She has made me very angry in the past time after time, but I've never been bitter for anything at all. I have a great life except for her and now I don't have to deal with her anymore
Thank you all for your help.