It's hard to have any good words. I've had a few choice words that would probably get me kicked out of here. But saying "I hate her" in a weird way does help.

I think it was the only choice he thought he had left. He went to great lengths to keep the severity of his depression from me. It wasn't until my neighbor cleaned out his car for me, did I see months of errands he said he did, still sitting in the car waiting to be done. Our family therapist told me she never saw this coming, not in a million years would she have pegged him to have done what he did. He kept everything in. I used to ask him "how do you not let this get to you? It bothers the hell out of me, and it's not even my problems anymore." He said "He doesn't know, he just does."

Thank you.

The lawyer said we were always such nice people and he was in total and utter shock. We all were. He's going to handle everything for free.

There has been a tremendous outpouring of support. This is really the first time I have to vent in my own way...through the forum I always turn to when things turn to shit. I don't think they can get much worse. At least I hope they don't.

Thank you.

Don't undermine your own problems because of me. I keep a sign on my refrigerator that says "Unless it's fatal, it's no big deal." My priest tried to take it down when he saw it and my mother stopped him. It's more than saying "nothing but death is a big deal" but it in a way gave me and the kids permission to really be upset. So while that sign helped me through many trying times to breathe and get through them, it also helped me to grieve.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you so much. And I completely agree with you.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZTOT6DKfZ8

Thank you.

I'm not through it yet. This is all part of it. I was researching and in my findings was to expect no less than 2 years to accept the loss of a spouse to suicide, so I won't be too hard on myself. Just one thing at a time. I got all the bills transferred. EX is going to pick up the kids health insurance, but there I'm on my own. He had no will, and left no beneficiary, so that's what the lawyer is for. And thankfully I have that. I went to see DH before the cremation, which I decided to do when I couldn't bear the thought of explaining a closed casket to the kids... but I did get to be with his body one last time, and it was very peaceful. I said a lot of things to him. I said to him "I know you knew I'd be strong enough to get through this. And that freaking sucks!" I talked to him a long time. My dad and BF were with me. My mom couldn't bear it. I wrote him a note and left it with him. Picking out his clothes was the worst, but when I saw him dressed, and I could see my favorite shirt on him, I got to hold his hand and stroke his arm and touch his hair for the last time it really helped. And having that memory really helps.

I went to the doctor's today and had to name my emergency contact for a HIPPA form and I broke down because I always named DH. I was there for BCP follow up, which I stopped taking as soon as it happened, it was too painful to look at those pills every day so I threw them away. (But being a realist I did ask for an IUD before the end of the month when my insurance is up) And all I keep telling myself is that me, DD and DS will get through this, and we'll be okay. I don't know the details of how it will happen yet, but I know that it will. That's all I've got and that's all I'm going with.

Thank you so much. I have to break away from them which is a lot easier said than done. I've been their mom too for 7 years. My DS met DH when he was about a year old. He knows no other life than having 2 dads. I told my kids, BM thinks love is something you can contain in a box, that has limits, which is why she doesn't understand what it is, and that's a lot of her problem. She doesn't understand what love is. I told them real love is more like a tree that is planted by your parents when you're born, and they help it to grow until you learn to take care of it for you. And it will get as big as you allow it to. That's why you can have two dads, two moms, 4 grandparents and love them all the same, or differently just like a tree has all different leaves and branches. But it will only be contained if you box it in, and refuse to let it grow.

Thank you so much. Still there as well.

Thank you.

It's weird, I actually have no interest in revenge on her. People like her destroy themselves, and blame everyone else. I'm sure whatever shenanigans she gets herself into in the future will undoubtedly be labeled blame on me, even though I, and everyone around me is keeping her far, far away. Our family therapist, quite concerned said she spoke at length with BM who is terrified of SS14, and completely clueless in general as to parenting, and while there is no way I would be able to handle caring for SS14 at this point, who requires 24/7 care, because he will do unruly things after he's waited for everyone in the house to fall asleep, I should consider petitioning for SS11. I told her there is no way I will ever do that. Should something happen, and it turns out that it was in fact BM and her husband that got SS14 on heroin, it's in their house and they are going to jail, and they are looking to place SS11, I would happily take him, but so long as she is in the picture, I cannot be.

Thank you for watching. <3

Thank you. I just wish someone out there knew how real all our problems are, and how far they will go. The system totally failed us.

Thank you.

I think what I read was two years, to accept it. Not get over it. What I'm hearing is I will never "get over it" but move on and make a new normal. Nothing will ever be the same. I know that. And even though that two years is in no way a "cut off" no one in my family would say "Okay, it's been two years, time to get over it, stop talking about it and drop it" I'm using that timeline to give myself permission to continue grieving and talking about it, and crying beyond, say, two months.... because I am a person who inherently believes people will tire of listening to it after the initial commotion and shock wear off.

I told my mom, I feel like this is going to be like a long, drawn out pregnancy, where at first everyone surrounds you, and after a while they get tired of it. She hugged me and said, "the good people in your life will never do that to you." And my mom is the queen of "get over it. Let's move on to a new topic; a happier topic please"

While in general, I do agree with karma, I think karma takes one look at her and says "I'm not going near that thing with a 10 foot pole. Not worth the headache." Her insanity will bring a whole new level of hell onto herself that she is in no way prepared to handle. And now, she has what she always "wanted" custody of those two boys...that she never really wanted. It was all an act to make herself look good. Her real motivation is to look like the beaten down victim. So when something goes wrong with the kids, she can blame DH. And I'm sure she'll continue to do that, by his death. I'm sure both boys are blaming themselves...SS14 for all the grief he was causing DH, and SS11 for moving out of our house, and I have no doubt that while maybe now she's blaming DH, it will eventually turn into "Well that's true...YOU were x,y and z." It's her way. She has never once looked at herself in any meaningful way that has allowed to grow or mature to be a decent human being, at any point as long as I've known her. Even when I thought she was being nicer about something, she only used it against me later.

It's interesting you said that. I know it's what the mutual friends, and she must be thinking right now. When the mutual friends showed up to the wake, it was like they were digging for my input, and brought up the cancer theory. Not being an idiot I only said "He had way too much on his plate; so much more than any human being should ever be expected to bear; and he never let anyone know. He kept it all in."

The cancer thought did cross my mind. He did tell me he lied to BM that he thought he was relapsing so she would take over SS14's rehab care. She, on multiple occasions told him SS14 was HIS problem to deal with. DH knew that was the only way to get BM to take over without giving DH a super hard time about it. DH just more than anything needed a break. We went furniture shopping almost a month ago, and his phone was ringing literally every two minutes. There was no break. It was a horrible domino effect started by her awful finger. It would totally be in his character to keep his fears about getting sick again from me...but there are details that keep me from believing it:

1) When he told me he lied to BM, I flat out asked him if he thought he was getting sick again, because we will fix it, and he smiled and said "I got sick from remicade. I haven't taken any biologics since then."

2) He has told me multiple times that battling cancer was easier than battling her, and given the choice between them, he'd pick cancer.

3) He was struggling with oxycodone dependency. (dependency, NOT addiction) He tried to get himself in taken to a rehab facility that wouldn't take him, because he was within his prescribed dosage. I even told him "If there's anything else you need to tell them, I can leave the room so you can be completely honest." And he said he just wanted me to hold his hand. He wasn't doing ANYTHING else, despite everything SS14 was getting into. The police even told me though the toxicology report won't be in for a few weeks, although I do believe he would've taken the last of his pills before he committed the act, simply so no one else would get them and it would seriously ease the pain of what he was about to do, because that's how thoughtful he is... but there were absolutely no signs of illicit drug use going on. We had a plan to let him suffer his withdrawal at home, like the worst flu ever. We called doctors to find out what to expect. I told him I would take a few days off work, send the kids to my ex, and no one would have to know. When he was worried about not having any sick time, I told him we have enough money to lose a few days of his salary. The issue is that he felt like the oxy was causing more pain than his arthritis actually was...coupled with what was going on with SS14 paralleled in a very bad way. Especially when BM started going to SS14's school, and reporting to everyone that would listen that they were taking drugs together. Another one I can't possibly believe...because DH had to bring BM to rehab after their first year of marriage for heroin addiction. And he only stayed with her then because it was the only way to get her to agree to go. I cannot accept that he would encourage and enable his son to do something that ultimately led to the divorce between DH and BM. He used to come home and say "dealing with SS14 is just like dealing with BM!"

After DH and I made our plan, he was happier, and said "Well, I'm feeling better now, so I'll go to work now, and we'll get everything ready tonight when I get home." Before he left he said "Everything is going to be better from here on out." I had a doctor's appointment, and I called him at work to tell him about it, and he told me CPS called him and wanted to see him. I didn't think it was a big deal, it's the umpteenth time she's hotlined us. But never came home that night. He knew it would never stop. No matter what. So he took matters into his own hands.

Thank you. I'm so on it. The first few weeks when everyone was around, they were grieving pretty normally, and both were talking to someone about it. I did get a chance to talk to SS11 when BM had to transport SS14 between rehab facilities. But that's all I got to do, and a few sentences to both of them before the funeral mass.

I called the pediatrician's office and explained what happened, and asked for "red flags" I should be aware of. When the counselor was describing them, I realized she was describing every symptom SS14 ever had, and SS11 was beginning to demonstrate... so I'm well versed in what to watch out for. And none of it is happening. We are spending time together. Creating new routines, watching movies, reading together, but also talking about it when they need to talk about it. Both schools have been amazing. They got crisis intervention teams fist thing in the morning the day I called them, both principals meeting about how to handle it. They asked me for an official wording from the family to keep discretion consistent. And counselors are constantly in the buildings on standby should the kids need them at all.

I am so sorry about your brother. I'm a big believer in letting it out. Feel free to discuss your feelings about it, even now through these forums if there's no place else. That's the great thing about the web, you can just put the words out there, and someone with a good heart will let you and listen. Like everyone in here

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. I will try my best. A counselor told me I have permission to be angry for a while, so I'll keep it for now. It's not the only one I'm feeling, but being directed at a person I will have no contact with, and letting it out while taking a shower where I can only hear myself seems to be working quite well...not to mention typing quietly to you all.

The more research I can get the better. It helps me to understand the un-understandable.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. While the tribute is upsetting to the kids, I love watching it and remembering all the good we had.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I will. I made it clear to my mother in law, and she said she would never ask me to come within a mile of her. My ex will handle the children having a relationship, and promised to ensure if I'm ever invited anywhere my skids will be, he will be escorting them to and from their house. I am done with her.

Although, I do get a bit of a rush when I got to cancel her child support, and call the doctors trying to bill DH for the boys and know I have to send them on to her. Social security or not, he took care of 100% of everything for those kids. She will drown financially.

Thank you very much.

Thank you. It is a great outlet. Although I have a wonderful support system in the real world, sometimes it helps to repeat the same things over and over again, and I can do that in here.

Thank you so much. I miss him terribly. While it makes the kids sad to see it, I do miss his face, his hands, his personality and his smell very much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. I am trying. I do look forward to sleep every night in hopes that he'll come talk to me for a while. We have a meal train filled for at least a month, and I have to keep eating so the leftovers don't go bad, otherwise I'd probably be skipping that altogether.

Support is definitely getting me through right now. I know I'll have to eventually pick up that slack, everything just feels hard.

Thank you. I know I have a long journey of understanding this ahead. All I can do is remember to breathe, take one day at a time, and understand that now the only things that are ultimately important are me, and my two kids. That's how he would have wanted it.

Thank you.