My Update
No contact with husband in several weeks. He calls and says he wants to talk, on his way back from 5 day skiing trip with his daughter. Ok fine. He wants to show me pics of him in ski lodge?? And then give me box of chocolates from his daughter. I rolled my eyes, refused to look at pics and he became very angry. Telling me that they were very costly and I should appreciate them. I then went to sleep on my couch, I have the flu. Unbelievably, he immediately cleaned my house, taking down the Christmas tree. Later we sat down and he began texting for the next 45 min. He had been texting his daughter every hour, all day no joke. I started reading and he said that i need to make conversation. I wasn't going there, but I told him that he had just spent 5 days alone with her, there is a problem that he they text and talk all day long. We had further discussion, mostly why I have checked out. I said I see no end point. He won't sell his house. During discussion I was shocked that he came out w/ well jane doesn't want the house sold, but I told her.....I exploded and told him how dare you discuss our marriage with your daughter.
He left, says he wants a decision and then 30 days.whatever that means He wants to move on and not prolong this.
He doesn't see that by us living in 2 houses it is not real marriage. He is unable to outright say he won't sell. All he goes on is that he wants a partner. I told him he now has one his daughter. I said it is unhealthy for a 24 year old woman to text her father 20 times a day and talk 2-3 times a day. It is exactly what I saw when she was 16 years old. No friends and enmeshed with her father. What father tucks teenage daughter in at night and falls asleep on their bed?
No. No no.
Tell him your decision and
Tell him your decision and file for divorce.
Yes. I am just tired of
Yes. I am just tired of living in limbo. 8 years going between two houses? Come on. Enough. I don't want my final years to be spent sitting in traffic on a Friday night.
Cut your losses and live on
Cut your losses and live on ... without these co-joined oddballs dictating your happiness.
He is really odd. I couldn't
He is really odd. I couldn't believe he wanted me to look at pics of himself in ski lodge. And the chocolates? Maybe 15 dollars? To tell me I better appreciate them? Hell he should have gotten his wife a nice gift, yes?
But yes the man is very helpful. He took my whole tree down. I guess it is his incredible codependency. Parents are alcoholics. He is the super responsible son.
My brother told me I can get a handyman. I need a true husband.
Someone I would actually live with in one home. How unique is that?
But at my age, and after menopause. I am not seeking romance. Someone to do fun things.
Why is he taking these trips
Why is he taking these trips anyway?
My DH is also attached to his DD56, but not to this point. He wouldn't even come home after a trip like this, because he knows I would have the locks rekeyed. In fact my DH wants it all; he wants me to interact with SD to the extent that he does. NOT.
File for divorce and move on with your life. If he can't draw a line concerning his relationship with his DD and your marriage, there is no hope here. My DH doesn't draw a complete line with his DD and our marriage; but with that said, he knows not to show me pictures and give me information about SD.
I have told DH I don't want to know anything about his DD; therefore, I ignore any conversation or interaction he brings to me. My DH also gets mad and sulky, but that's his problem. It's never ending, but DH gets over it. I was wasting my time fighting them and now I actually don't care if SD56 exist any more than I would a total stranger I have never met. My DH and SD made their own decision about my relationship with them, now they can move on without me.
You don't need this in your life.
Yes, he was angry I would not
Yes, he was angry I would not accompany him on his love in with her. Tossed out wedding vows to me.
Really creepy crazy how insensitive he is.
But the writing was on the wall years ago. I do recall our first disagreement was him showing me a photo album of his family cruise a few years prior when he was married. I had to see pics of him and his wife celebrating their anniversary. I do recall driving home and talking on the phone with him that it had really bothered me. We were only dating a few months at the time. He said that I was ridiculous.
Proceed at own risk and I did unfortunately.
A lot of men are insensitive, but this one is beyond hope.
It really sounds like both of
It really sounds like both of you are ready to end this but neither wants to be the first one to say the D word.
Omg good luck, best wishes,
Omg good luck, best wishes, and *hugs*. You deserve better.
Oh boy. Yeah you don't have a
Oh boy. Yeah you don't have a marriage as of now. If he is unwilling to make changes I would say my goodbyes. Hugs to you❤️❤️
It is hard to understand why
It is hard to understand why you have not filed for divorce already. Is the pull of codependency that bad? It's obvious he sees no need to change his embedded relationship with SD. Get over the flu and take action.
I guess it is Sandye.
I guess it is Sandye. Sometimes I tell myself he is not that bad. After all, look at all the man does for me. In some ways easier to just piddle along with very little contact.
Sounds like you've been the
Sounds like you've been the booty call for a long time.
I told you some time back
I told you some time back that there is truly something wrong with your H, and still believe that. He is simply not "right" in a Forest Gump/bi polar/on the spectrum way. The guy is just never, ever going to be able to partner successfully.
It's a mercy that you kept your home. Yes, there will likely be a period of adjustment while you relearn how to be independent, but you will be far happier without him and all the abnormal, controlling crap he brings with him.
You are right. It would be ok
You are right. It would be ok for him if I moved into his house, and did things his way. He doesn't want things to be different. He doesn't want more.
He is fine now. His 20 something nephew has been living in his house for the past year, rent free of course. He gets big meals cooked for him and his only payment is to cut the grass.
My mother thinks I'm the one who should be thankful for a decent man who does much for me. All stuff I could hire a handyman for. As husband said yesterday...why do you complain. I was here for thanksgiving( 5pm) and he arrived xmas morning and stayed through the weekend.
I feel very depressed. I must sound depressed. I started an antidepressant last year and there was an amazing difference. But I gained weight and took myself off. I guess I am so used to feeling this shitty why not?
And tomorrow birthday dinner w my kids and their sig others, and my ex. Both of us solo. My parents can't make it.
Normally I would say drink plenty wine, great restaurant. But I really can't stand wine when I am sick.
NPM - I would end this Hon,
NPM - I would end this Hon, simply move on.... your brother is right, listen to him
That you have actively
That you have actively tortured yourself by voluntarily remaining is this situation for 8+ years speaks volumes. Apparently you enjoy punishment and pain.
Pull the plug. He has his wife. She leapt from his own loins. Let them wallow in their incestuous relationship and move on.
Take care of you.
Rags you are right. I checked
Rags you are right. I checked the phone records. They have already talked this morning at 6am, and literally texteddozens times yesterday up til 11 pm, chatting along way of course. So he is set. He has his phone wife, which is what I was before. We would talk twice a day, and text during day. Nothing like this!
And he sat here Sunday criticized my relationship with my kids, and how I didn't groom the dogs, even though I have the flu?
I have done some reading this past week and I think he has obsessive compulsive personality disorder, not OCD. Big difference.
He is controlling, rigid, cheap. Recycles gifts.
I just don't get how he thinks this could be good for a 24 yr old with few friends, no boyfriend. Sounds like her parents messed her up years ago, now it is continuing. I talk to my mom pretty often, and my daughter too, but not twice a day, and texts literally every hour. It is sick and that clearly is a replacement.
I pulled away from him when I realized he was never selling his house. It is his security blanket. What is weird is it looks like a mansion from the curb, and in summer, it is manicure lawn. Inside, no molding, staircase, hasn't been finished or fixed up in over 20 years. He refuses to hire someone.
Thank God though right.
My question is why did I marry under these circumstances and why do I hang on to bad things?
I do feel a sense of freedom. I am going to take some trips. Soul searching.
Please do some soul
Please do some soul searching, prepare for moving on with your life. It is a difficult step and very lonely step to take.
I am still with my DH (married 37 years) for reasons that are a result of deep soul searching. Everyone's circumstances are different and everyone will do things what seems a bit out of the ordinary to everyone around them. Two years ago, I was faced with some very difficult decisions and serious changes in my marriage. I kept my thoughts and decisions to myself; but I did moved forward and it is a very lonely road.
Today I am feeling more myself, feeling freedom, and enjoying my life; even though I am still married to and taking care of my disabled DH. I have made some decisions that are not physically noticeable, but very rewarding to myself. My DH and my grown SD have noticed for sure; because they no longer have the pleasure of making me miserable. I took control of my own well being.
You have other elements involved, such as your kids. You sound as if you are at the point in your life that you need to do some soul searching and making some future decisions that will get you on a self sufficient track; which means thinking about when your own kids go on their own and you are alone. This type of soul searching can be painful, but believe me is necessary.
Mentally I divorced my DH, physically and mentally I disengaged from my SD, and moved forward with my life; physically I'm still with DH and they still have short dad/daughter visits. I do not have my marriage like I dreamed in my retirement years; this was my DH's decision, when he decided I was just another person in the house and his DD was more important (because blood is thicker than water). The change in our marriage and lives was determined by DH and SD's choices, not mine. DH could have had it all, but he chose to destroy our marriage by betraying me to SD through phone calls and texts every day, any hour.
I ignore them both now and have put all my daily activities, friends, lunches, hobbies, etc. before my DH and I still manage to take good care of him and ignore his toxic grown daughter. I give my DH day care, home nursing, cook, cleaning lady, and yes I still lay beside him at night, every night. This is my choice and it all comes with my pride, in how I live my life.
I found strength I never believed I ever had in my inner self, by soul searching. Another plus; my DH has changed and is truly trying to make amends. DH knows it will never be the same, but we have agreed to disagree, concerning SD, and move forward. It took my changing the situation; it was never going to change without someone taking the reins to move forward.
I suggest you begin by spending some time alone and serious soul searching.
Good luck.
Thank you sammigirl. Soul
Thank you sammigirl. Soul searching is right. Next week only one college kid remaining, but he is never home. And my new threadmill awaits in the basement! Lol. As I've said before the time between my two marriages were some of the best. I was focusing on me and my kids. I was happy. Why did I ruin it by seeking out another marriage?
I have so much to be thankful. My own house, a career, kids. Sadly I've let friendships go. When you are involved with someone 3 hrs away, you lose touch with your neighborhood and community.
I will be needed health insur, and since I am a consultant own business, I can't get group coverage. I know I can go through a broker, but as a cancer survivor now over five years, I hate to think what the cost will be.
It seems really easy for
It seems really easy for others to say "leave...dump that chump" but you are the only one who really knows when you are done...really done. And let's face it, there are additional considerations as we get older. I think what Sammi describes takes a lot of internal strength, maybe more than leaving. Every day I struggle with not saying those two words: I'm done. My DH lies about talking to his kids, his daughter is a mini-wife, his kids would be homeless if he had not pulled their asses out of the fire again and again...I will never really trust him again.
But, we have a lot of years together, and starting again honestly feels overwhelming, at least today..
So, for me, not yet.
Only you know. *hugs*
That is a very "strange"
That is a very "strange" relationship between your husband and his daughter. It doesn't appear healthy at all. Almost as if he was never the parent, but a friend or whatever instead. But what really concerns me is that the relationship as unhealthy as it sounds is accepted and needed by both parties, i.e. constant need of communication with each other. Just remember that you are the healthy one in this situation and it's best you find a healthy solution for you and your life. You have children as well.. think of how you raised them and they turned out okay. There are a lot of men out there that are "normal" parents and would love to have a partner like you. You current husband sounds like he has already selected the partner he wants to go through his life with. UGH.
i would say your sd is a mini
i would say your sd is a mini wife like mine. my adult sd is also married and still texts her father several times a day and calls him at least twice. i am waiting for the day the young husband a nice man clues in and divorces the sd. hopefully they will have no children by the time this happens.
it sounds like your sd is a mini wife. you are correct to go no contact and to disengage. i disengaged and feel 110 percent better. also learn to embrace the option of a divorce.