Resentful that the man I love, loves a daughter that treated me in a horrible nasty manner
Been with boyfriend for 4 years. During this time he had physical custody of both his kids (SD in her late-teens then, SS mid-teen). I was always kind and supportive of them and their relationship with their father (plus took care of his kids when their Father traveled for work, bought gifts for birthdays and Christmas, took them fun places, etc...). Never disciplined or was unkind to them. Never said a bad word about their BM.
At 19 yrs old, SD had a fit when her father told her upon graduation from high school she will have to go to college or get a full time job and could still live at home. Not so bright BM said SD can move back with her (BM lives in another state in HER Fathers house) with 4 months left before SD HS graduation because thats what SD wanted. Boyfriend warned NOT a good idea but since SD was an adult, he could not stop her. SD left in a nasty way and did not speak to her Dad for 6 months. Needless to say SD failed out of HS and no plans to get a GED.
A couple of months ago SD sent me multiple LONG texts cursing, name calling, and trashing her Dad and me. Texted her Dad "EFF YOU, I disown you and you picked an outsider (me) over your own daughter" among other things. Crazy sh** that made no sense. Apparently she perceived a slight against her - something she made up in her head. I moved in with boyfriend AFTER she left his home (mostly avoided moving in because I saw resentment from her towards me-she hated when he gave me attention, even on my birthday and would pout and mope and cause scenes to get attention). After she left, I realized just how much of a entitled princess she was, and a manipulator of her dad and brother (they SEEM to see it now). I didn't realize how much of a dark cloud she was in his home until that cloud was gone.
SD has yet to apologize to her Father. I want nothing to do with her EVER again (she was 19 when she did this, not 5 years old, no matter how immature). Boyfriend reached out to her a few times to clear up what he thinks was a misunderstanding, but she refused to respond. On Christmas she got upset and told her brother to let her dad know she was upset Daddy didn’t call her for Christmas. All I could think is WTF??? You treat your father and I like sh**, ignore his attempts to contact you, and YOU are a victim cause Daddy won't act like everything is fine and call you on Christmas? Boyfriend did NOT call her after that nonsense, instead boyfriend sat down and we tried to enjoy a peaceful night together after a busy day with family. He is planning to talk to his son more about the situation. I had lots of talks with my boyfriend since she launched her nasty verbal attack on me and he is supporting me. She is not to set foot in our home, they can visit outside our home if they ever have a decent relationship again.
But here is my problem...I can't help but feel resentment the man I love, loves and will forgive his daughter for what she has done. He did tell her she needs to apologize to him. I personally feel if he starts up a relationship with her again without her being accountable for her nasty actions (by not apologizing and making amends with HIM for treating BOTH of us like sh** (I don't want a thing from her but to stay away from me), then he is condoning her behavior and I see my relationship going on a downward spiral with him. I understand it is his daughter and he desperately wants a good relationship with her, but the thought of him letting her get away with this is so stressful it is causing me panic attacks, even though he says he will hold her accountable. Also, because she tries to get her brother to hate me too (he does not and tells her so), but yet she still manages to try and manipulate and control our house from afar. I told boyfriend she is acting spoiled and controlling and after how she treated us/me, he cannot reward her awful behavior or else she will continue to walk all over him. So many women here do this every day, how do you do it? How do you handle your emotions and feelings (I realize I may be over emotional)? How do you not feel resentment? He does treat me SO VERY WELL. He tries to be understanding. But the hatred and disgust I feel for her after such nasty words to me and trying to turn her brother against me...feels like it is poisoning my relationship with my boyfriend and his son (I tend not to trust his son now, feeling his loyality will be his sister). I have NEVER felt that way, I always LIKE people and don't know who I am anymore.
I can TOTALLY relate to your
I can TOTALLY relate to your situation!!! I have a 14 year old step brat that has made my life miserable for 3.5 years. She has asked her dad to break up with me and stopped talking to him for almost a year because we moved in together... SHE is a spoiled little brat. We bought a house together and she has not been in it and says she never will. He sees her once a week-just the two of them and I feel she is getting her way. From his side, he has a relationship with her and he is with the woman he loves so he is ok with it.. I have grown to really dislike this kid and the mention of her name makes my skin crawl... however she is his daughter and I want him to be happy. We have fought over this kid for long enough.. What it boils down to I think, is that you don't have to like her and it is ok...but if you love him and you want a future with this man, than you have to accept it and move on or move on yourself...Not a great option but there are not too many...
I appreciate the first half
I appreciate the first half of what you say, it means a lot to hear that . However, I am not trying to poison their relationship. What kind of person tells her own father to EFF off? To tell him he is choosing his woman over her because he demands respect for the woman he loves? The same woman that ALWAYS respected his daughter and son? I am trying to keep her from poisoning my relationships with her Father and brother but feel it is not working. The problem is, the daughter continues to try and emotionally blackmail her father and brother. I feel like I am waiting for the inevitable, for them to be weak and give in and expect me to forgive her as well for which I will not. I don't want volatile, toxic people in my life. I don't like feeling like I am paying for her mental issues.
Thank you, I understand what
Thank you, I understand what you are telling me. I guess that's a problem I'm having and I recognize it, because it does indeed feel like a betrayal if they forgive her (although I would never say that to them). It feels like such a betrayal that I think I'm just not made for this. They will ALL go on to be happy, and I am miserable, spending my life getting hurt over and over. SD gets off scott free, while I pay the price. I am forced to see her ugly picture in my home because she is their family. Meanwhile she never has to see my face again. I thought it would get easier as time goes on, but it is getting worse for me. I realize I may just be hopeless and not strong enough to deal with this. This is not a peaceful life. I don't know how so many step-moms do this and it not negatively affect their health.
Thank you. I am thankful he
Thank you. I am thankful he is supporting me and realize I am lucky in that respect.
She's his daughter. He is
She's his daughter. He is going to love her no matter what she does. He may HATE her actions and confront her about them, but he isn't going to stop loving and caring about her.
We love our children unconditionally. We do not have that type of love for a mate.
Mine will never man up and
Mine will never man up and make his apologize either; he is a doormat to her and will always be regardless of what they do to or say to me or even him. I have accepted my reality and have NOTHING to do with them at all, zero. They will NEVER come to my house and I have a security system to ensure it. He is free to do whatever he pleases, but they are not my family; just his--they made that clear and now I have agreed.
You cannot help but resent it, but try not to waste your emotion on things you cannot change. She will continue to wish to make you look badly so going around and any communication at all with her may provide her with some opportunity. She wants you there to abuse you. You should be proud of yourself for not letting your husband or his sorry self absorbed daughter control you.
She will turn on dear ol dadeee eventually; but you will not be the reason next time.
It is not perfect, but it is the only alternative when you have a doormat husband.
Oh I agree, I am very lucky
Oh I agree, I am very lucky in that respect
But she continues to try and emotionally blackmail her brother and father and I live in fear that they will eventually give in then think I'm the bad guy because I will not forgive. I have moved on, but she is nothing to me and I don't forgive something that nasty that caused so much turmoil to her father and myself. Boyfriend says he will not allow her back. I know without a doubt if he did, I WOULD leave for good. I think that's why I'm having panic attacks after so much stress over the year. I don't want to leave him, but I will not live with her ever again and if he would dare do that to me after all I have done for him and his family, I have no choice to leave as my mental and physical health could not tolerate that.
Moved to correct post.
Moved to correct post.
Thank you. I am thankful he
Thank you. I am thankful he is supporting me and realize I am lucky in that respect.
Boy does your situation sound
Boy does your situation sound SO MUCH like mine
At the end of the day, you have to just accept that your SD is jealous and resentful of your relationship with your DH - her father - and she is never going to like or accept you. And she will always feel a tremendous amount of resentment and this is why she acts out
But she is still your boyfriend's daughter. He loves her and always will. He is hurting big time. Yes he is fully aware that she is the problem and she has created the problem, and he probably feels a huge amount of guilt as to why
I don't know an easy way to say this, but being in a situation very much like your own, there is one important thing I've realized; the step-situation can often make a very good and decent person act in evil and monstrous ways
I have been on the receiving end of this type of treatment from both my OSD, and my DH's sister, and while I resent it so much, I know my DH knows they have a better side, he sees a better side, and he also sees the hurt and anger and resentment that makes them behave this way
Their treatment is not right, just like your SD's, and this is why your BF stands up for you. But, he also sees where it's coming from, sees her misery, probably hopes you will too. And this is why he forgives her and still loves her.
It's a hard pill to swallow, but it is reality. So, small steps - try to remember this every time you feel your BF should write his daughter off because of this situation
Thank you for you reply and I
Thank you for you reply and I understand most of what you are conveying. I'm sorry you are in the same type of situation. Yes I don't like what it's turned me into. However, there is no justification for her behavior, there is nothing to resent. She was given a great life and chose to throw it all away because she doesn't want to grow up. She told her own father to "eff off" and that she disowned him and called him awful names. Honestly, I could not handle my own child saying that to me when I was only a decent and loving parent. Sure kids get mad at their parents and act out a bit, but to say those awful things to them and to a woman who cared about you and was always kind? WE together helped to give his daughter a great life and are treated so bad, while her mother that does NOTHING for her is perfect. We were always there for her, her mother and stepdad were not, yet she treats us terrible and tells her Dad how much better they are! What a terrible thing to throw in his face.
I don't understand why you say he would see her misery? There was no misery for her, if anything she created her own misery. It is made up in her head. She had it made living with her father. But no matter what he did, it was never enough. Nothing he did was ever good enough for her. I guess I just can't get over something so insane. I don't know if it's worth it to live the rest of my life with this stress. I deserve to live my life in peace at my age. Not sacrifice my health for an evil stepdaughter. I'm sorry, I just don't understand how any woman can do that...I feel it will only drive me to an early grave. I guess I thought I would get some magical answer to give me hope, but there seems to be no hope.
Wow-sorry to hear your
Wow-sorry to hear your situation. I'm sad to see others going through the same stuff or worse, yet at the same time receiving validation that I'm not crazy, so many SD behave atrociously. Your insight is on point for many things regarding my boyfriend.
You mentioned, you thought my SD has feelings of abandonment from her DD. How could that be? He WANTED custody of her and she knows that. He told her he did NOT want to to leave. SD said she WANTED to leave and leave and be with her mom. Then when she did move to moms state, Mom left to hit the road with her trucker man, hardly ever to be home. So how could SD feel her Dad abandoned her and mom and stepdad are just so awesome? Mom just wanted to be her best friend, while Dad wanted to be her parent. I watched her father always being loving, giving her hugs and listening to her problems, tell her every day how much he loved her. I would have killed to have that type of relationship with my father. My father was cold and distant, but I still never was mean to him.
Ahhhh....I see. May I ask
Ahhhh....I see. May I ask you something since you have such good insight? My boyfriend told her she must apologize to both of us for what she did in order to make things right with him. I told him I want nothing from her, an apology from her is a lie and meaningless. He said he understands that, but he is doing that to hold her accountable for what she has done. If she actually does apologize to me, any tips on how to best handle it (I want to tell her I know her apology is a lie and meaningless)...because I know I will still not want her in our home (they can spend all the time together they want outside of our home). I feel to be nice about it would make me feel humiliated and angry and that it is just rewarding her bad behavior still to let her think a fake apology is all it takes to be allowed in our home again.
thank you very much. I
thank you very much. I really appreciate it!
I know from the viewpoint of
I know from the viewpoint of a SM, especially one who has done nothing but work hard to see their SD happy, it is difficult to understand why they act out the way they do
I used to think the same thing about my OSD. After mostly the EOW and one night a week visits, she then moved in with us fulltime at almost 17
She was the apple of her father's eye, doing well in school, boyfriend, no pressure to find a job or anything. Car provided for her by DH's parents, insurance for the car paid for by both her parents and step-parents. Could come and go as she wanted. No consequences it seemed for anything
She had no chores or responsibilities, just school, boyfriend, didn't work or help around the house. Grandparents that doted on her, Disney Dad (DH), devoted SM (me) and on it went
I used to think the same - man, this kid has it made.
When she started to lash out, angry at DH, then angry at both of us, then turned her full anger on me who became the target. I thought, there is no explanation for her disgusting behavior other than she is just evil, plain and simple.
Just like you with your SD, it made no sense to me whatsoever that she could possibly have anything at all to be upset about
But, if I've learned anything in the step situation I've learned this. The 'evil' acting out we see from our skids is very much out of anger. Real anger. Resentment. Jealousy
I saw her at her own bridal shower, in her 20's, in front of everyone tell DH that he was 'nothing but a piece of shit father' - I thought how shocking and terrible, after all he has done for her, how much he loves her, how much she means to him. What is wrong with her?
But, we may think life is just a peach for them and they have nothing to be disgruntled about, but we are not in their situation or their reality
From my SD's standpoint, before I came along she was #1 in her Dad's life. And this girl worshiped DH. That relationship was very important to her and it bothered her immensely to think she had been 'replaced'
Maybe hard for us to understand, but to this day she has never gotten over it. And as much as I struggle to understand it fully myself, I do know her anger, and competitiveness with me is real. Her humiliation that in her mind her father loves me more and prefers me over her, is very real and very upsetting for her
The best thing you can do is put yourself in your SD's shoes as much as you can. Not that you can relieve her of accountability for her actions. Her actions are wrong. But, knowing a little about the anger and resentment she feels may help you to let go some of your own anger, and, to understand where your DH is coming from a little more as well
Thank you for your wisdom and
Thank you for your wisdom and insight, I do appreciate it. Yes, I see she has anger, Resentment, and jealousy. She wanted to be the center of his life, did not want him to have his own life with a partner, wanted to be the woman of the house and run it with Daddy (her mom was a lazy mom and when kids lived with her first, they raised themselves and often ended up taking care of their mom). SD wanted everything to revolve around her when she moved in with Daddy. She felt he "owed her" since he had to travel quite a bit for work when she was younger to support the family. He did a lot for her because he was working at having a closer relationship with her...but that seems to have only given her a sense of entitlement. She would have fits if Daddy paid more attention to her own brother on a given day. I realize now the the only way to prevent that is if I took a back seat, if she was allowed to be woman of the house and be his equal, and her dad spend as little time with me as possible...which of course her dad was not going to do and let her run his life. I see she didn't like that and felt threatened, she wanted to run Daddy's life, not see him be happy with a partner and have the adults be in charge of the home they pay for. It helps me to understand, but that does not help me let go of my anger (well maybe just a smidge). That's because that put my boyfriend in a position of choosing between us and as he told his kids many times, relationships are not a competition and he has a special, but different relationship with each of us. I think only his son and I understood.
I do understand and am grateful you are trying to make me understand why I should be more sympathetic with her. You are a bigger person so to speak than what I have in me to be. I tried for years to be the bigger person with all the stunts she pulled over the years, and had to eat a lot of sh** in the process...so I am done showing sympathy to her. I am sympathetic with boyfriend, but not her. He tried his best, so did I, but it was, and never will be good enough for her and she has made that clear and crossed too many lines and caused too much turmoil for everyone.
Your SD feels her Dad
Your SD feels her Dad abandoned her, because he clearly loves more than just her - namely you. She wants to be the single most important female in his life and you are a challenge to that position.
My DH also doted on his daughter. When she lived with us everything revolved around her. From the moment she got up in the morning (DH waking her up in time for school, DH kissing her good-bye before leaving for work, DH & I rushing home from work to have her dinner ready, all conversation at the dinner table was about or with her, all after dinner conversation revolving around her, and on and on) and yet, I too was amazed that she was jealous of me :? but she was, insanely angry that I was even a consideration for DH
Angry of the tone of voice DH used with me (guess she thought it was more loving than the tone he used with her) angry of the way DH might look at me (maybe she thought it was warmer than the way he looked at her) angry if DH mentioned one thing about me or an accomplishment of mine, angry if DH gently prompted her to say thank you for something thoughtful I had done for her. Furious if DH gave me any sort of gift, or a hug, or a kiss, or a cuddle (not that we flaunted any of that in front of her)
She was just seething about any little thing that brought even the slightest attention away from her and on to me....I think your SD may just suffer from some of this too
I'm sorry you had gone
I'm sorry you had gone through all of that. I think what you describe above, unfortunately, describes the feelings of many SDs.
I think Dadswifeorwhatever
I think Dadswifeorwhatever has offered some very good advice for you. I agree. Take the apology at face value. See where it goes from there. You don't have to make a big deal about it like all is just great now, but accept the apology, or at least don't continue to harp with her about what happened. Leave it for now and see where it goes...
Yes, I agree now I should
Yes, I agree now I should listen to her (fake) apology. I do agree that is better advice than what I feel she deserves after what she had done.
Thanks again! Yes, I will be
Thanks again! Yes, I will be happier with myself and it will make my boyfriend happier. Honestly I don't think she will ever apologize to me and I'm happy to never speak with her again. I really want her to apologize to my boyfriend though, he is hurting way too much and did not deserve her wrath. You know, he even took her to a counselor for years to get her help. He said she could have sessions in private and if she wanted him to be in the session, to ask him and he was happy to join. He did all that to try to understand her concerns and hurts. She very rarely asked him to join the session. She then turned that around and said he refused to go to any counseling with her to try and work together on their relationship.
Oh yes, I tolerate ZERO crap nowadays. I handle things respectfully, but take NO crap. I do find myself drinking a lot more wine lately though
The more I read about this
The more I read about this kind of stuff, the crazier it looks. Do these people not realize what they're doing? No perspective on their own behavior? Why would anyone want to be that enmeshed with their parent/child? I lived with Daddy/daughter crap in my own marriage, so I know first-hand that it's not exclusively the province of step life. It is emotional incest, no less creepy and destructive than the other kind.
DH has one child, SS26. The twists in their relationship have created problems that have driven me round the bend more than once, but my life is a cakewalk compared with those of you dealing with SDs. Good luck and best wishes to all of you.
Yes, in my case SD has no
Yes, in my case SD has no perspective on her own behavior. I notice many children were raised without consequences or responsibilities and I do think this plays a big part in it. My boyfriend is recognizing it now sadly. SD is controlling and entitled and feels her dad owes her everything (I do realize her mom had a part in this too, the entitlement runs deep in the women in her family!).
I see his son is so much more reasonable. I'm glad to hear you don't have to deal with a resentful SD! We that do need all the luck we can get-LOL.
I have been in this situation
I have been in this situation for 30+ years. My grown SD has said and treated me as she pleased and DH never did anything to teach her respect for anyone, especially me.
After 30+ years I totally disengaged and then SD had a major melt down (2 page hate email), because I no longer sat around and stood for her passive aggression, gossip, and hurtful exclusion. I literally said nothing, just woke up one day and erased her from my mind, thus erasing her from my life. No more dinners, entertaining, BD cards, Christmas gifts, no more treating her like a Princess. I told DH I was tired of being treated badly and disrespected and it was his circus 100%. I never have never had words with SD, just walked away. All of a sudden I no longer cared about this nasty person.
DH got mad and betrayed our conversations to SD; thus SD had another melt down and told me what the discussions contained. DH was booted to the curb, via Law Enforcement, to SD's house and two Court orders slapped on him. That was over two years ago.
We are back together, we have moved to the neighboring State, away from SD, and are doing very well. DH still says he was only telling the truth to SD and SD will never apologize for the hate email and all the nasty treatment. Therefore: I will never engage with this toxic woman again. DH can still handle it as he sees fit. DH tells me he will never repeat anything to SD again, concerning us. I don't believe him, I don't trust them; with that said I informed DH that if I hear of it again, he's out for good. He believes me and he had better, because it's not a threat, but a promise.
I understand that my DH loves his daughter and he loves me. So with that said I took control and will deal with my grown SD without DH being involved ever. DH has been told, I will handle any future issues with SD, concerning her and myself.
My SD will never stop hating me and I will never engage with her again.
Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry to
Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry to hear this craziness you had to go through! I am feeling more and more lucky that my boyfriend always demanded respect. However, I think that is a double-edged sword in my case...she resented that she had to respect me and that her father cared about me, and could not treat me any way she pleased so I'm guessing the resentment built over the years that she couldn't be a special princess-LOL.
Your strength is inspiring me to stay strong and take control of my feelings and the situation and move forward.
I find it hard to understand
I find it hard to understand why adult SD's crave their Dad's attention. My SD33, was in her 20's when her parents divorced. She's the only girl and my husband admits to spoiling her while she was growing up. She still looks at herself as Daddy's princess, even though she's married with her own daughter.
She was upset when we married almost 3 years ago and made no attempt to hide it. She refused to talk about the upcoming wedding and at one point, asked her father, "what time is that thing anyway?". She attended with her husband, but left early. She actually had the nerve to complain to her brother that Dad didn't send her a Valentine's Card that year even though she was acting like a brat.
I have tried hard to disengage, but it's hard when she won't go away. If she knows we're going on vacation or doing something together, she increases the contact. It's as if she doesn't want Daddy to forget about her. On New Years Eve, she sent him a text at 12:30 wishing him a Happy New Years, complete with "love you, xoxo". I always get the visual that she's looking over her shoulder sticking her tongue out at me whenever she's playing up to Daddy.
I've thought the same thing,
I've thought the same thing, Dancing! I see how my DD29 interacts with her father and stepmother and it's nothing like what we put up with. My daughter has a very good relationship with her SM. She thinks my SD is pathetic and needs to get her own life.
My daughter will text me and say things like "I hope you both are enjoying your night", or "thank you both for the gifts". My SD only thanks Daddy. Don't even get me started on the mushy Valentine's Day or birthday cards...
I agree, Dancing, that this
I agree, Dancing, that this site makes us think we're not crazy or alone. My stomach flips whenever my husband receives a text message. We were enjoying New Year's Eve just the two of us, when in comes the text from her. I can see wanting to wish your parent a Happy New Year, but do it the next day.