Anyone else deal with this?
Skids left for BM's Christmas day. SD15 text me today saying she was ready to come home (been ready) but SS14 isn't, so BM isn't bringing them. SD is sick and just wants to be home where she is most comfortable (and knows she will be cared for). DH is out of town (Christmas gift to him was a fishing trip out of the state while he is off work). I told SD I would come pick her up when I get off work today & BM can bring SS home on Sunday. BM just called and informed me that if SD is coming home then SS has to come home also, otherwise SD has to stay (miserable - SD word not mine) until she brings them home.
Let me also say BM has not picked up skids all of December for EOWE visits until Christmas day...one excuse after another...and now she isn't willing to make the trip on Sunday so that SS can stay. WHY? It would be the same number of trips to our house, since I am picking SD up, as if it were her normal pickup/drop off. Why can't she let SS stay & SD come home if that is what they want?
BM has to work tonight and SD
BM has to work tonight and SD lives in my house and just wants to come home. There was no set time frame they would stay, but because SD is sick she is just ready to be in her home, where she's comfortable. BM doesn't care that SD is leaving, she actually said she was ready for everyone to leave (her mother is there with her and the skids also). But she hasn't seen them all month & SS wants to stay longer. I don't see why he shouldn't be allowed to do so.
Not true at all...BM calls me
Not true at all...BM calls me to make arrangements not DH (bc they can't agree) and I told SD to make sure it was OK with BM if she left. BM only changed her tune once she realized she was still going to have to bring SS home when he was ready. We have a C/o in place but never go by it on the holidays bc BM & I discussed early on that the skids should see both parents on the holidays. The part I am questioning is why would she force her son away when he clearly wants to stay, she didn't care one bit the SD wanted to come home. She's fine with that. She just now wants them both to go & she knows I will come and get them because SD asked.
It is of concern to me when I
It is of concern to me when I have to deal with SS being angry & acting out because she forces him to go with me. They are 14 & 15 yrs old and have every right to make the decision on their own if they go or not on visitation. BM gave up her visitation all month & DOES NOT CARE that SD is leaving. She is forcing SS to leave also. Where am I missing something here - BM has an opportunity to spend tomorrow, Saturday & Sunday with her son and doesn't want to, and you think I am in the wrong for saying my SD can come back to HER PRIMARY HOME?
That completely disregards
That completely disregards that my SD is sick and wants to be in her home/bed. BM will make SD wait until Sunday. If I am willing to go pick SD up today so she can be in her home/bed tonight & I will be there tonight & tomorrow to take her to the Dr why can't SS stay with BM since she is off work tomorrow as well. We live 45 minutes apart. BM would not be willing to take SD to her PCP, so that's not an option.
Why does it have to be all or nothing? If my BS said I want to stay at dad's longer & BD said she was ready to come home, I'd be fine with that.
See I deal with both sides of the spectrum. I am BM to two & full time SM to two. I try to look at every side. I can not see sending my child away because the other one is going, knowing that child wants to stay with me.
When my bios are sick I leave
When my bios are sick I leave it up to them & their DD if visitation continues. My bios always want the same thing SD wants right now, to be in their home and in their beds. I stated previously I have BM's permission to pickup SD. I am in no way trying to take her time away (she willing did not pick them up any this month until Christmas day), if BM were to ask to come and get the skids next weekend for more time, we would be happy to let them go. However, never in 8 & 1/2 years has she asked for extra time. But she is pushing SS away tonight.
You are right on my point
You are right on my point exactly. I will not leave my SD somewhere (BM's, friend or anywhere) she isn't comfortable. ESPECIALLY when I have BM's permission to pick her up. BM either doesn't want to deal with SS or sees my pickup tonight as a way out of her having to drop SS off on Sunday. Either way I think it's sad that SS has to come home when he wants to spend time with BM or SD has to stay somewhere she's uncomfortable so that he can stay. If DH were here I'd still do the same, SD knows she can depend on me no matter what & I will not let her down just because some people think it's always the BM's right to "have their kids"...it's not the same in every situation...if she were home and DH was gone and she wanted BM I would never hinder that or force the other skid to do something unnecessary. If BM was "being a parent" I wouldn't have to mention to her that there are urgent care facilities or even an emergency room, as a parent I would have already taken my child or my SD if she were home, if it was necessary.
^^^^ THIS ^^^^ Exactly Fruit.
^^^^ THIS ^^^^
Exactly Fruit.
The question isn't should SD come home. It is why wouldn't BM want time with son
Mom's house is their home as
Mom's house is their home as well.
Can you imagine the uproar here if a kid got sick while with dad and called mom to come pick him/her up and mom tried to comply??? The kid and mom would both be implying that dad isn't capable of parenting/ taking care of his sick kid.
You guys are all missing my
You guys are all missing my point. BM does NOT want SD to stay...she just wants to ensure that SS leaves when SD does. My question is why? Why can't he stay if he wants to? It's not changing anything other than SD will not be there. I am picking her up. No time out of BM's life, no wear/tear on her vehicle, no extra gas to bring SD to me...just the normal return visit for SS on Sunday. But she is forcing him to return with me & SD, when he's made it clear he wants to stay longer.
Why don't you ask BM why
Why don't you ask BM why can't SS stay if he wants to stay and spend time with his mom. Or if SS is old enough, have him do it.
My guess is it's some tactic to get rid of her kids that she doesn't feel like dealing with, but she can't come out right and say it and since SD wants to leave, that is kind of an "out" for BM and she can make you look like the bad guy or SD look like the bad guy.
I did, that was when she said
I did, that was when she said she was ready for everyone to leave. You're right, she doesn't want to be the one to tell SS he has to go, so I'm sure there will be some scheme she comes up with to tell SS why he has to leave with SD & I this evening.
When you go to pick them up
When you go to pick them up and if SS brings it up I would flat out say "I don't know she told me if I am picking up SD, that you have to come too."
To make you look like the bad
To make you look like the bad guy. Since you picked up SD, you "have" to take SS.
My skids have lived with DH &
My skids have lived with DH & I for 8 & 1/2 years. SD and I have a very good relationship, not that I try to take her BM's place but BM just isn't reliable and SD knows that. SS on the other hand is still trying to stay and spend time with her. I would even understand BM saying they both had to come home if she was the one bringing them today, so she isn't making mutiple trips, but that's not the case.
She's 15. What are you going
She's 15. What are you going to do that mom can't/won't do? :?
I'm assuming the kid has a bed, food and meds at mom's house. Why can't she take her meds, curl up in bed and go to sleep?
That's not her "home" &
That's not her "home" & actually no she doesn't have a bed there. She either sleeps with BM or on a couch when she visits. She just wants to be in her home. If you were sick would you like to go stay at a family members house and sleep on their couch or be at your home in your bed? So what if she's 15, I've been like that all my life. Anytime I am sick I want to be in my own home and bed. You may have missed the part where I said BM is working tonight and will not be there to take care of SD.
I have always been in the
I have always been in the camp that says both houses are home. }:) I hate viewing minor kids as visitors in their parents' homes. Visitors don't do chores. I'm not financially responsible for visitors.
Wait, I’m not financially responsible for steps kids. :?
I don’t think people are
I don’t think people are actually reading your post. I did though.
The BM does not care on way or the other if SD goes home. But BM does not want to deal with just one kid, OR she does not want to do the driving on Sunday.
I would just pick them both up and chalk it up to BM being a tool.
Kudos to you for helping to raise these kids full time!
And New Years Eve is
And New Years Eve is Saturday. BM may want to get her party on without having any pesky kids around.
My question is why though?
My question is why though? If she's letting me pick SD up - if she let SS stay, nothing is changing from the original plan on her part, only on mine. It's my time, my gas, which I am glad to sacrifice to make sure SD is cared for and comfortable.
All I am saying is if one wants to come home and the other doesn't (and it's not requiring any extra from BM) why can't they? Just because someone gave birth to a child does NOT make them a parent, mother or father. I am in no way trying to take BM's place, but if SD asks for me I will be there for her. My DH is more of a father to my bios than their DH as well. It's not because we don't want their BM or DD to be there as their parents, believe me...DH & I would love to be able to plan a get away without fear of NCPs cxl'ing visitation for whatever reason. But in 8 & 1/2 years, DH & I have been the only stability our kids have known...why else would a 15y/o girl want her SM instead or her BM?
It's a big weekend for
It's a big weekend for partying. Could that be a reason?
I guess I should have stated
I guess I should have stated in the original post - 1st I told SD to make sure it was OK with BM if I came and got her. It was. It wasn't until she found out I was going to let SS stay and she would be bringing him home as normal that she made the ultimatum of "all or none". That is where my question came from.
OK @downsouthinTX since you're on the BM side - tell me what you would do if one of your bios wanted to come home and the other wanted to stay with DD? Would you take that time away from DD or force a bio to stay at DD's knowing they are sick and want to be home with you - don't forget DD has given permission for you to come get sick child & he will be working - will you leave that sick child to sleep on DD's couch, sick & uncomfortable - just because the other bio wants to stay?
What does GTFO mean, again?
What does GTFO mean, again? Get the flippin' oranges? Got a frozen orangutan?
Looking forward to it,
Looking forward to it, Fruitie Patootie.
Maybe it has something to do with Fuzzy Umpkins? God-bless The Furry Overlord!
You are so gross and fabulous
You are so gross and fabulous at the same time!
And the update
And the update is....what?
You went and picked up SD. Ok. Then what happened? How sick is she and did SS come back too? Did you face to face ask BM why she insisted both or none left? Not that the answer she may have given (if asked) would really matter as NCP are not required to take and/or keep the kids , but you spent all day yesterday here demanding 'why' over and over again...her response to the question is obviously important to you. So what was her answer?
When I arrived all the skids
When I arrived all the skids stuff was on the front porch and only they came out. I helped them load there things, she never appeared. When I left I immediately took SD to urgent care, where she tested positive for influenza (flu). I dropped off prescriptions, took them to eat while we waited, picked up prescriptions & had SD start her medications. SS was angry & he wasn't ready to come home, because he and his stepfather had plans but said BM had called stepdad and said to bring him back to their house because I was coming to get him. I did not have to say anything, because SD spoke up and told SS that I tried to tell BM to let him stay but BM said he had to go home. That night SD slept all night, she said she hadn't been able to the entire time she was at BM due to having to share a bed/couch. When she woke on Friday I could tell she was feeling a little better, she showered (also limited access at BM) & dressed. This is not because she was home I am sure, but because BM had waited about having her seen, more likely because the flu virus was nearly over. SS ended up doing several things that made him happy to be home and not as bad as I expected. DH returned from his trip Friday evening and we planned and celebrated NYE with all four kids, a few of our friends & a few of theirs. BM has yet to call to check on SD.
"has yet to check on SD" =
"has yet to check on SD" = wow.
Thanks for the update. Really a good outcome that SD spoke up and averted you getting the stink eye from SS.
What a piece of work that BM is.