Jealousy
I have a jealous problem...
I have two SDs, one who is 17.5, and one who is 10.5. I live with my DH, now for a year, and the issue I am needing help with is jealousy. The girls are insanely jealous anytime DH wants to do something nice for me, like buy me a pair of shoes, or makeup. They get angry and hostile, when one gets something and the other doesn't. We aren't rolling in money, but these girls are sort of spoiled. They see something they want, and harp on DH until he either yells for them to stop, or he caves and buys it for them. The teenager is the worst, and it really bothers me. The only time she tells her father she loves him is when she has her hand out for money. This girl is over 17 YO, but has no JOB. She babysits her cousins sporadically and caretakes grandma for extra money every now and then, but hates doing it. So when she wants money, she begs and baby talks and tries to act cute, he caves, looks at me, and then gives her the $$$. It steams me up! Then when DH does something nice or takes me out - I get cold treatment from SD.
But the jealousy is really bugging me. Is it normal, or is it "treatable", and how? Should I even mention it? There are many other things that are upsetting me, but I am hoping this is common and there is a way to alleviate it. Any advice is appreciated!
It DOES feel good. There are
It DOES feel good. There are so many things I CANNOT say, and whatnot, but still the wanting is there.
They don't have tantrums, per se, SD17 just yells "you got HER XYZ, why cant you get ME XYZ?" and then stands there with her hand out for money. She cant get/keep a job, and doesn't really try. The youngest SD10 gets treats like candy and toys, and she never really is told no. When told no, she is very sweet about it, but still gives a little whimper, and tries to do the charm tricks. Im starting to get annoyed. He has to sneak when he gets me stuff, so he doesn't have to listen to whining and demanding and arguing. TIs very tiring to him. wink wink. to say no. Then he tries to give reasons and explanations, and Im just like "why don't you try not arguing, and just say because and leave it?"
My oldest SD was 8 when I met
My oldest SD was 8 when I met her. She's now 13 and still gets angry when DH gives me even a chaste kiss or our DD 2.5 has something new (like glasses, for Pete's sake). She gets this hard, jealous demeanor ("How come SHE (me) got TWO kisses and I only got ONE?!). The only "treatment" that has worked has been DH setting boundaries for her, but because he's been inconsistent she still engages in competition with me from time to time, because she sees herself as my peer. BM is the most pathalogically competitive mean girl I've ever had the misfortune to be stuck with, so it's pretty obvious where SD gets it and why it'll never truly go completely away. But at least SD doesn't nuzzle his neck or try to straddle his package while he's lying back on the couch anymore.
You need to treat your
You need to treat your DH...not the kids. If he enables the behavior it will never change.
As for their attitude towards you? That is totally out of your control and nothing you do will change it. Again this falls to DH, he has to step up and confront the disrespectful behavior toward you and deal with his children.
A long talk with your DH and some positive feedback from you on how he can meet your needs will help him see how he can change things. Then it's up to him to put it in action.
Good luck!
Uh oh. Your OSD sounds
Uh oh. Your OSD sounds exactly like my OSD, especially at that age. Very jealous. Felt whatever DH did for me should have been double, for her. Actually she felt everything should be for her, and absolutely nothing for me. Seriously
And, my DH also would hide whatever he did/bought for me, from SD's as well. That used to bug me a lot. I didn't get it either. I'm his wife, she is his daughter. My DH would go so far as to hide whatever he had bought for me for Christmas for example, insist I open it before Christmas (always some lame excuse he just couldn't wait to see my reaction could I please open it now yada yada) then quickly hide it away do SD's couldn't see it
In the meantime he would take SD's out to 'shop' for a gift for me, some cheap sweater for example, and then when they opened their gigantically expensive gifts from DH, they would see me open the cheap gift they had picked out with DH
I seriously couldn't believe he would go so far as to try to deceive his girls into believing that what he bought for me didn't even come close to what he bought for them...and then these DH's wonder why they have little mini-wives running around thinking they are in competition with the actual wife - or in my OSD's case in her mind there was no competition - she was by far #1, most important and I should not have even been a consideration
It's these DH's that cause the jealousy issues!
whoa! The faux present hoax?
whoa! The faux present hoax? Ouch. I certainly will be on the lookout/watch for this behavior more so now, now that I understand what is going on. most of the time, I just accept it. Most of the time its between the older SD17.5 and younger SD10.5. Tax return time is coming along, so we shall see what develops. I am giving things 6 more months and hoping for the best. I don't make very much money, but will work on that aspect of life, and hopefully will be able to attain more independence so that if these and other issues persist I can move on. This really was the smallest of the issues. But a meaningful one.
I agree, DH is enabling their
I agree, DH is enabling their behavior. He is appeasing them by giving in and not correcting them when they start whining. You are his wife, they are not. It may come from them being the only women in his life until you came along, now you are a threat to that position. Either way, DH needs to be the one to correct the behavior - and gently help him see the behavior and manipulation without coming across as an accuser and set yourself against his kids.