This time it's DH's parents
Life is same old with SS. We have resorted to splitting our kids when going on any outings because SS was literally sucking the fun out of everything. It sucks doing things separate from my husband but I refuse to let my kids have every single Christmas thing ruined. SS seems happier with this setup. Unfortunately, SS and DD have not made up which make me sad. At least DH got an apology for the bus stunt.
So other than those issues, DH’s parents have found a way to create a new one. DH and SS did gift exchanges with his parents on Sunday. DH took extreme pains to make sure that SS would have a good Christmas this year. Last year’s dog fiasco just escalated everything. So this time, he made sure it was gifts that were what SS wanted and that they could be transported to either house easily.
On Sunday however, his parents decided to get SS his very own dog. It’s a few months old mixed breed they got from a friend who was leaving the country. They knew SS was upset about the dog at our house, so they went ahead and took this one from their friend. They gave it to SS without even giving DH and me a heads up.
Their plan was that the dog would travel back and forth between our house and BM’s house. But the first thing BM said was that she couldn’t keep the dog at her house for more than a few days at a time. And that she would not be spending any money on food. So now, the revised plan is that every Friday, DH will pick up the dog from his parents, pick up SS from school and come here. He will then drop of the dog at his parents on Monday while dropping SS back at BM’s. SS will then take the dog back and forth as needed. Fortunately, they live pretty close to each other.
Can I just say how upset I am by this? We just went through a lot of trouble potty training our own young dog, who’s still basically a puppy. We just re-carpeted the living room last month because of the pee stains. Now I find out the new puppy isn’t even potty trained. We will also now have to buy more food and pay for vet visits/insurance/grooming. DH’s parents are not exactly rich so we have to cover these costs ourselves.
I never wanted the first dog. I let DH convince me and look how that turned out. I mean I love the dog now but it’s a lot of work and expenses.
I had a big argument with DH but I could tell he felt he had no choice. What could he have done? Tell SS that he couldn’t keep the dog and force him to interact with ours? Who SS accuses of only being our family dog and refuses to play with? The last thing he wants is to be made the bad guy again. I don't know what I have would have done if I was in the same situation.
DH was really upset with his parents. It’s just a mess. Yesterday DH was complaining how his presents won’t even matter to SS now. I think that’s the least of our worries right now.
Please everyone. Do not give dogs as a surprise gift.
I can't do that. That would
I can't do that. That would be heartbreaking
But it's not a stray. SS has
But it's not a stray. SS has been keeping the dog this week. I don't want to be the evil stepmother. It's also half DH's decision too.
Oh, honey, you will always be
Oh, honey, you will always be the evil step mother!
And it might as well be a stray, as it just showed up without your consent.
I'm slowly coming to that
I'm slowly coming to that realization. But DH didn't say anything to SS and SS has been taking care of the dog this week. I'm so confused on what to do.
I would feel really awful. I
I would feel really awful. I think SS would stop coming over. I don't want to be the reason for that.
Things were kind of getting better and DH was being more firm. I don't want to undo all that.
I guess you are right. I wish
I guess you are right. I wish I could be more firm. But I don't want to see DH's relationship with SS get ruined. It would crush him.
You're right. I still feel
You're right. I still feel bad though. I wish I could stop caring about it.
Yea but the move did benefit
Yea but the move did benefit all of us. And he really loves his son and sees him a lot. I'm just too soft-hearted.
We get SS every single
We get SS every single weekend right now. That would mean DH practically living there. I don't know what to do. I feel like I am going to have a talk with DH and tell him the dog is only allowed here one weekend a month or something. Did I mention I just paid to recarpet our living area out of my own pocket because I could not look at the pee stains anymore?
DH's parents can never afford that dog. Even if it was living with them, DH would probably have to pay for vet visits, food and other things. That is money he does not want to spend right now.
DH wasn't in on this. He is equally pissed at his parents. He spent months picking out awesome gifts for SS to make it up for last year's mess. Now this happened.
They are wonderful people.
They are wonderful people. They just lost their damn minds on this one. I feel emotionally exhausted right now. I'm thankful DH got a promotion recently. I'm just praying to god that this new dog won't have any major behavior issues.
Tell me about it! And no,
Tell me about it! And no, there is no way they can afford to pay for the puppy's care. I had no idea how expensive a dog would be. Now we have two that need to be paid for. I told DH this was all on him. Luckily we have separate finances for the most part now.
But if it's DH's parents then
But if it's DH's parents then BM has more of a right to set limits right? She has always said no to a dog.
What can DH say? That SS can't bring his dog here while we have one here full-time? Things are already so tense. I really hate this.
Isn't it too late. DH made it
Isn't it too late. DH made it seem like it would be ok in front of SS on Sunday. He did have words with his parents after but if he forces them to keep the dog then it will be given away again. And you know SS will blame DH.
I'm getting angry at DH all over again now.
I fully agree with this. DH
I fully agree with this. DH should talk to his parents and tell them it is up to THEM to talk to SS about the dog. Nobody is responsible for any potential let-down but the grandparents.
I fully agree with this. DH
I fully agree with this. DH should talk to his parents and tell them it is up to THEM to talk to SS about the dog. Nobody is responsible for any potential let-down but the grandparents.
Animals are not presents. I
Animals are not presents. I don't understand why so many people fail to realize this... They are animals. That's ridiculous and I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. I haven't followed too many of your posts but how old is your SS? Is there any way he's working age and can get a job to help pay for the dog? Even a cashier at a fast food place... That would make the most sense to me. If you want a pet, you have to be responsible and able to pay for it. What if it ends up having some type of illness that requires tons of vet visits and medication? I've had many dogs in my life that had problems (epilepsy, grass allergies, hip problems, etc.) all of them costed tons of money...
Right??? I volunteer at a
Right??? I volunteer at a large animal shelter near where I live. I can't tell you how many animals are dropped off after Christmas and Easter because some bonehead decided a dog or chick or bunny or cat or whatever would make a great pet. They don't give any consideration as to how good a fit the animal would be, what's required for its care, what it'll cost, any of that. Oh no, it just sounds like a good idea. How cute would it be for Johnny to find a puppy in his stocking on Christmas morning? You don't adopt an animal, take a living creature into your home, unless you intend to keep it! Surrendering is cruel. Heartbreaking.
Sorry, animals are my Achilles heel and this kind of crap pisses me off.
He just turned 14. But the
He just turned 14. But the extra-curricular schedule kinda makes it hard for our kids to work right now. Also, his visitation schedule adds more complications. We would also need BM to actually drive him to work and that is not going to happen. Hopefully if it's a mixed breed health problems are less likely. Is that how it works? That health problems list is scaring me.
Do you/BM live in an area
Do you/BM live in an area with a bus? I would tell SS that since he's 14, he can easily work in fast food in most states as long as he's not working the grill. It's time to get a job... He can take the bus to and from work and half his paycheque goes towards the dog. If he has too many extra-curricular activities, he needs to cancel one or two so he has time to work part-time. If he misses the bus, he's grounded or some type of consequence happens...
If it's a mixed breed the problems are a lot less likely, but still possible. I'd say about 50% of animals i've had in my life (my parents were dogsledders so we had quite a few dogs) had some type of health problem. That might just be bad luck but even now, I have two cats and one of them has a skin problem where anything aside from non-scented litter or natural cleaners causes his feet to scab up and he has to be taken to the vet for anti-biotics and creams and stuff.
I really hope the dog doesn't end up costing you a ton, but that's one of the reasons my husband and I haven't gotten a dog. It's expensive enough to take two cats to the vet regularly, and if we got a dog, we have to be ready to accept any potential costly health issues. My dog with epilepsy cost over a grand a month in medications/vet fees so it's always a risk you're taking when you get a dog. You can't just give it up if it's sick, ya know?
A grand a month is crazy. We
A grand a month is crazy. We could never afford that.
Buses aren't really an option around here. Our plan was to get them a car when they are 16 so they can start working.
his parents decided to get SS
his parents decided to get SS his very own dog.
This was very rude and inconsiderate of them. Unless they planned on keeping the dog at their place, they had no right to give SS a dog, that someone else has to home and take care of.
This would be like someone giving me a baby. Um, cute but no thanks and I'd give it right back.
I also agree it was very
I also agree it was very rude. Their hearts were in the right place but their brains definitely weren't.
I am just getting more
I am just getting more stressed out now. If both puppies are young it should be easy to get them to like each other right?
Yes, it should. But get them
Yes, it should. But get them spayed/neutered if they're not already. And once they are both house trained, caring for two dogs isn't much different than caring for one. So day-to-day life should be ok for you. But both need food and vet care and all that.
I'm sorry DH's parents lost their damn minds.
Thank you for calming me down
Thank you for calming me down a bit. Our dog is neutered at least. I have no idea about the other one.
DH's parents knew exactly
DH's parents knew exactly what they were doing. That's why they didn't discuss and just did. I would be pissed. Correction, I am pissed on behalf of both those dogs.
Goldie, you need to treat yourself to some quality alone time to replenish your emotional reserves.
DH's parents knew exactly
DH's parents knew exactly what they were doing.
That is EXACTLY what I was thinking.
Great now the new dog will
Great now the new dog will bond with you and your kids and SS will be even more pissed.
You will have stolen another dog from him.
And how come BM gets to say no! Is SS angry at her for not allowing the dog at her house?!
SS is only at Goldie's house
SS is only at Goldie's house 4 days a month, right? The puppy will live at BMs where SS spends 85% of his time.
No BM said she wasn't buying
No BM said she wasn't buying food and would only keep it a few days at a time.
It will be at OPs and the grand parents.
And my bet is that the dog will be too much for the grandparents during the week. Since DH and OP already have a dog, it will end up there full time.
We get SS pretty much every
We get SS pretty much every weekend. And there is no way the dog will be here full-time.
But I can see DH buying the food for the dog while she isn't even at our house.
DH's parents let themselves
DH's parents let themselves be manipulated by SS. They've heard his sob dog story and believed it. DH got manipulated by his parents. You got manipulated by DH. The only one who wasn't manipulated was BM. The grandparents tried to manipulate BM and it didn't work. She's said no and (so far) is holding to it.
I haven't talked to DH yet
I haven't talked to DH yet but I almost feel like he has resigned to taking care of the dog per this schedule.
Now I'm going to feel like the evil person who wants to take a dog away from a kid. I can't believe my Christmas is turning out like this.
I have do much to say on this
I have do much to say on this but it's all so negative I decided to keep it to myself.
I really do hope this works out for everyone but you need to set some very hard boundaries right from the beginning.
The kid will tire of bringing
The kid will tire of bringing the dog back and forth to Dad's very quickly. Why? Because it will be a hardship on all those Dad/son weekend activities. Grow old real fast when kid is told 'no, we can't go to the movie today, you have a dog to potty train', 'no, we can't go ______, you have a dog to potty train', 'no, dog can't go in your room and play all afternoon, dog is not potty trained', 'son, get up it's 5am and your dog needs to go out', soon it will be 'son, no, I can't take you out to dinner, I have to buy dog food now'...and on it should go.
The dog will stay the large majority of the time at the grandparents. I certainly hope grandpa is up to taking care of the puppy. This isn't a stuffed animal to be put on a shelf and played with now and then. But the dog can become a welcome presence in the older couples home. If the dog is to be rehomed, it needs to be done by the grandparent. No need for you to sneak it off to the pound or to demand Dad do so.
Let it play out for a month or two.
Just say no. SS is in school
Just say no.
SS is in school and activities and not at your house or the grandparents enough to care for a puppy and train it. Who is going to train and exercise the dog? He does not interact with the dog you already have.
Not to further stress you but I have two male dogs from same litter. They are 2.5 yrs old. They get along great most of the time but they play rough and have started some aggression with each other over food or toys. They have had a few serious skirmishes and the last one required a vet visit and antibiotics for an injury near the eye. I still have a lump on my calf muscle from a scrap they got in months ago and my leg got bumped. I spend a great deal of time caring for and training these dogs. It is overwhelming at times and I am 55! I love them dearly and they are my fur babies. And I have my husband to help with it all. I can't imagine a 14 yr old having the ability to care for a puppy all on his own.
If your I laws wanted a dog for themselves they could keep the dog and SS can visit it at their house.
My ex I laws were given a puppy by one of their grown kids because FIL was going thru a depression and the kids thought it would help. Well it didn't. The poor dog was never properly trained or housebroken. She was chained out in the yard in all weather and banished to the basement at night. She was a good loving mixed breed dog but they never took the time with her. They did not really want a dog. It broke my heart to see her freezing in the yard when we would visit. Finally I offered to find her a new home thru a dog rescue and she was saved from the horrible existence she was in. And this was in an upscale neighborhood with upper middle class executive type person who had no clue what to do with this poor dog.
A pet is a lifelong commitment. You become their pack. Ss can get his own dog in four years when he moves out on his own. Please urge the In laws to either commit to keep the dog themselves or rehouse it. They can tell Ss they made mistake in not clearing it with his parents first. Dogs need a lot of care and routine. It is not fair to shuffle it between homes like a child of divorce.
You will end up feeling sorry for it and having to do all the care, training and vet expenses. It is a daunting task just socializing a puppy so it does not become a problem dog. No way to know how it will get on long term with the dog you have.
Good luck. Sorry not happy dog tales...just realistic. Merry Christmas!
You have given me a lot to
You have given me a lot to think about. It seems more and more like a bad idea to go along with this dog insanity. I have no idea how to broach this without SS hating us completely.
The grandparents get to keep
The grandparents get to keep the dog that they acquired. How about that? SS now has a new reason to visit them more often.
Another thought- I've done
Another thought- I've done the "dog that goes back and forth" thing. Do you know what it leads to? A confused animal with no rules and no training, who is always looking for attention in any form. Sound familiar? Except, with more pee. This is too crazy. Say no.
Thanks for telling me your
Thanks for telling me your experience. I am getting convinced that this won't work.
If kids or skids do not hate
If kids or skids do not hate us at some point in their upbringing then we are not doing our job as parents.
I am all for giving animals a good home. And all for giving kids responsibility for those pets. Just do not let the poor dog suffer if SS does not take care of it. He wants to drive a car in a couple years. Let him prove he is responsible first if this dog is kept for him.
There is nothing that says you will have to pick up the slack. It is on your DH and his parents.