New Here and unusual situation
So, let me first say that I do not fit the "typical" step parent situation...and that is more the reason I am here. I feel like there is so much out there on traditional step parenting sitatuations. I am welcoming any support without judgment. If you think being step parent is hard - try being a lesbian with another lesbian who had children with her former partner. We have primary physical custody of both children from that relationship...the oldest (11) is the former partners biological child and the younger (almost 
is my partner's biological child. Both children share the same anonymous donor. I myself also have a biological child with a known donor who is in the peripeheral but does not have a parenting role.
So, my biggest challenge is that my partner's biological son puts the "other mom" on a pedestal because she is basically a Disney parent - always takes him to the movies, to McDonalds (which our household does not frequent) gets him any game or toy he asks for at any visit. Nevermind that she focuses more on him than her own biological child. Her daughter clearly prefers my partner and me to her own biological mother because she sees right through her (which is sad) although of course since that is her bio mom, that relationship has never bothered me. It does, however, bother me when it comes to my partner's biological child because they split up when he was 18 months old. He has never lived with her yet he thinks and talks like she walks on water. I and my partner are the one raising him, and we get none of the credit or "glory" I guess you could say. I realize that I am not even bio related to him, but at least I am the one also raising him yet I get no credit for that, least of all from him. Everything is mumma this, and mumma that....and oooo it's almost time for me to go to mumma's house. I have been doing this for two years and I am trying to be grown up about it, but I am also human and have feelings too. It is hard to compete with this fantasy he has. It would be better if this woman had any redeemable qualities, but she is a hott mess with no boundaries or structure and gets by in the world manipulating people so I have absolutely no respect for her. Anyone want to chime in with anything other than anti gay opinions? I would appreciate it.I have no where to turn for support for my particular sitatuation.
That sunglasses smiley face
That sunglasses smiley face guy was supposed to be the number 8
Well, gay or not gay, it
Well, gay or not gay, it sounds exactly like what most of us go through. The idolizing of the more permissive parent or simply the more absent parent is rampant rampant rampant here.
I think if you search the forums and just read for awhile you will see there are many in your shoes.
You should feel right at home here because I'd guess %90 of us are dealing with that very thing.
It makes me want to cry. It
It makes me want to cry. It makes me feel like taking my anger out on my partner because I am sure as hell not going to on the child, and it is not her or his fault. The frustration is intense to say the least.
Your gender, the gender of
Your gender, the gender of your partner, and the gender of your partners XBM are irrelevant. On the surface it does add a bit more complexity since we are talking about 3 BMs in this picture but.... it is really no different than any other SParenting situation where the SParent is not a bio-contributor to the SKid(s).
You and your SO are equity life partners and that makes you both equity parents to any childen in your home.
It is fairly common for the NCP to be put on a pedistal by a kid. Particularly when the NCP is of the typical Disney Parent variety.
In my experience a SKid is just like any other kid and will respect the parent that sets and enforces boundaries, behavioral, and performance standards and demonstrates that they have the kids best interests at heart. Over time... the Disney Parent will be the one that is not respected or appreciated by the SKid. Particularly in adulthood.
An 8yo is pretty young still and will be big eyed and happy with the nature of a Disney Parent. In a few years when the kid starts engaging in his own life and activities and the Disney Parent is not participating and you are..... he will start to gain clarity.
Until then... set and enforce the standards of behavior in your home as an equity parent to any children in your home and participate regularly and meaningfully in this kids life. He will know who his real parent is as he progresses towards adulthood..... and hopefully will also know who is only trying to buy his affections.
Bingo! Well said!
Bingo! Well said!
Thank you. I really needed to
Thank you. I really needed to hear this...from someone other than my partner. I am just having a hard day. It is close to the holidays and it seems to get harder then. So I just have to keep my feelings in check for another few to 10 years.
Thank you. I really needed to
Thank you. I really needed to hear this...from someone other than my partner. I am just having a hard day. It is close to the holidays and it seems to get harder then. So I just have to keep my feelings in check for another few to 10 years.
This is always a sticky
This is always a sticky situation and has nothing to do with parents being gay or otherwise. Kudos to you and your partner for taking this on together in a judgmental world.
Your children are still young so they're going to lap up the attention in the way of gifts etc from Disney parent. I can only offer a portion of my story so it gives you hope. I have four children who were young when we separated. Their father did the same thing. Holidays, the latest gadgets, everything they wanted. I lived on the bones of my bum. We had shared care (week about)
It wasn't until years later that the kids have come to me and told me how much they appreciated everything I did for them when they knew I didn't have much. Only recently, my 14yo daughter sent her father a scathing message saying she didn't want his holidays, a new puppy, the latest electronic device - she just wanted him to be a father. She and her brother now live with me full time.
Keep up the communication with your partner. Share how you feel. Talk to a friend (or us!). It's going to be difficult for a few years, but continue to give love, time and effort to your family. People used to say to me 'karma will get him' and I never believed it. Took over a decade, but it finally turned around. Be true to yourself, your partner and your family.
Best of luck through this difficult phase. Hang in there and give your family what the Disney parent can't. In the meantime, count backwards from 10, try not to put Disney parent down in front of the children, smile and grit your teeth. One child already sees through it, maybe that will influence the other over time.
Best wishes to you and your family.
I have never put her down in
I have never put her down in front of the kids or even come close. My teeth have been practically filed from the grit. Again, her biological daughter just wants her mother to be a mother and sees right through her. She has asked my partner many times why the ex is the way she is and why she can't just be a "normal mom." My SS not so much. She can do no wrong and she just laps it up and puts more attention on him. I think she is a narcissist and enjoys the supply he gives her, which is why I think she has given up on the older one and instead focuses on the youngest. He does make good supply.
I want what is best for the kids. I want them to have stability and boundaries. I grew up without boundaries and I know how imporant they are to feel safe and secure. Of course it makes me the not popular one with the youngest, and people say that at some point he will see the truth, but like you were I am scared that wont happen and I will be holding onto that as a saving grace for some future time that might not ever come. Thank you for your words of encouragement.
That is where I believe you
That is where I believe you are wrong. I am a parent of a child I conceived too with a my former lesbian partner of 10 years and when she walked away from him when we split when he was 4, the only tie she has to him is a piece of paper. The same for my bio's son and the woman who has a name on a birth certificate and that is all. I am his parent. She is a glorified aunt that we have to basically pretend is a parent. She has not biological ties and does not parent him. That is the point.And that is what makes my situation fundamentally different.
As a stepparent myself, I am
As a stepparent myself, I am not gay but it happens to both sides. Maybe it will not be as much help but my stepdaughter is like that mother is always her favorite topic. And even though you have been there longer they always remember and will bring them up. In my case her mom would use her to make my husband and I fight. What I learned now that she's 12 is that sometimes the other parent unfortunately uses them against you even though you are more of a parent and loving than the other. My suggestion just continue to be there and tell them u love them once they become of age to understand what goes on they will appreciate!! Just keep strong it will get better!!
Welcome to step talk. Glad
Welcome to step talk. Glad you are here.
Its common.
Just know it's common and
Just know it's common and it's going to hurt no matter what. BM here sees SD a couple times a year and never, ever helps with costs. I do absolutely everything and have spent so much time and money on the child but BM gets put on a pedestal no matter how little she does. We just continue to hope eventually SD sees through it and appreciates me stepping up. Just know you're not alone and it's hard but maybe one day it'll be worth it.
Lots of momma's who are "not
Lots of momma's who are "not the momma!" That's really the only difference in your situation compared to many of ours. Thank goddess there aren't bio and stepfathers involved too.
The main advice I impart is to let your partner fully deal with her ex and the parenting of her child. As a couple you may want to read up on "Parallel parenting," because the reality is that co-parenting is a pipe dream in most step family situations.
I deal with 2 exH's, 4 kids with #1, 1 with #2. DH has 2 grown sons from his ex so 7 kids between us, 5 parents, talk about complication...gah! Makes we want to run off to a cave some days. Yet my situation is drab compared to some on here.
Breathe, drink wine, read Kahlil Gibram's poem "On Children." http://agutie.homestead.com/files/children_1.html
(((Hugs))) and welcome to the club.