Use your fork to stab anyone trying to grab food off your plate.

"Before anyone says it: My husband is the problem. I know this. He is honestly a total buffoon when it comes to parenting. He is a lazy parent who intermittently commits himself to being better. It is infuriating. While relevant to this problem, it also opens up a whole other story that I won't get into here"

SO you did you have children with a man you feel is a POS parent?

Why did you allow the kid to eat off of everyone's plate???

Does the boy have an intestinal worm? How on earth else was he able to put away so much food so quickly without immediately vomiting?

Well, lots of compassion for you, not much if any advice.

Get the food to go, lock it in the trunk, throw boy and his burrito in the backyard until everyone else is through with theirs?

Maybe get some respite care for yourself? You may require specialty babysitters for this precious pair. But you can find them and it will be sooooooo worth it. A couple times a week? Just to keep your sanity?

"Unfortunately most of my influence is cancelled out by their other parents' actions/lack of action. My husband swears we are a team and he wants to be a great parent, yadda yadda yadda. I tell him "hot air." because he does clean up his act for awhile and pay attention to them. but only with considerable effort. and then it tapers off every time. "

Well, the way you fix that is tell him he hops to it or he can arrange for after school care for the both of them until he gets home and then HE is on the clock, not you.

Flat out tell him you're not going to live like this anymore, they are not your responsibility, he is not backing you up, you're on the verge of resigning if he doesn't pick up his game pronto.

You need to not take this kid out to a restaurant again for a while and explain clearly why not. You might look into family counseling as an alternative, if your husband will go--he just might if you say it is that or you are done.

I have a grown SD who actually reached across a long table with a fork in a restaurant to take food off my husband's plate, at least one time when I was present (I know it was done to show me-- see I can do whatever I want and daddee will not say anything to me). He said nothing, as usual, so I reached into her plate and forked her food, that got her attention-for once. I finally stepped up to defend myself, shocking her..... That was the last meal we will share together. As a friend of mine says, "Stick a fork in me and I am done."

Cannot imagine her table manners as a small child....ughhh.

I knew it was time to disengage, I was turning into somebody I did not recognize.

If I had to be around this kind of entitlement mess a lot, as much as I love my husband, I would have to get a divorce. It only works because I stay away.

If you were to leave or to die, your DH WOULD find a way to see that his kids are cared for. He would either change his schedule, change jobs, or find a way to afford care. He most likely would also find a new lady who seemed likely to be suckered into being the nanny he can f*ck. So, it might be time to evaluate what your value in the family really is.

If DH doesn't want to find a way to be more of a parent to his kids and take the stress off of you- well then, you know you are the nanny.

Just a recommendation because I have no solution to offer, I would honestly look for a position outside of the home after this baby is born. and get away from this crazy expectation that you raise all these kids the majority of the time alone. You need it for your own sanity and maybe you could get a discount for your 2 own children. This setting is exhausting and you have no/little time away from these ill behaved children. I believe you would feel much better about this situation if you had some time to yourself and you were not being forced to play primary parent to kids who do not want you.

My heart goes out to you, pregnancy was not easy for me either and with your hormones raging you really question why you do what you do and how you really feel. I have no real answer, wish I did to support you. But, I do think family counseling might be helpful, and needed. Also, like I said, you need some independence from these kids, all of them, including your own, that is why I think you should consider working outside of the home,to gain some me time-even if spent working. If your husband appreciated all your effort to parent HIS kids, would he not make them behave?

Trust me, nobody else would put up with these ill bred kids BS. Your husband needs to be held accountable for his kids behavior, he needs to be dealing with it. If you go to work away from the house, you may force him to do so...You are only a bandaid covering a seriously infected family; but the disease itself is spreading. You are not the cure.

If you left, or something happened to you, what specifically do you think he might do in the immediate aftermath? He'd have to come up with something very quickly, right? He'd have to have someone come in to his home to take care of them, or send them away somewhere to be taken care of, in order to return to work (until he found another relationship partner to fill your role, as others have suggested, but that might never happen plus it takes some time, at least). Think aunts, uncles, on either side. Grandparents? Godparents?

The reason I ask is this: whatever this emergency plan might be, no matter how unpalatable it seems to you now---consider giving yourself permission to make it happen in the short term ("short term" meaning simply not as a permanant arrangement, maybe just for the duration of your pregnancy and caring for your newborn, or however long you need). I know it's extreme and I'm probably going to get burned at the stake for even suggesting it, but I hear the desperation in your voice and I'm not sure you're going to make it several more years (much less through this pregnancy) without losing your ability to cope and leaving him IN THIS SITUATION ANYWAY. You've already suffered antenatal and postpartum mood disorders in your previous pregnancy, and PTSD is not to be trifled with. You've already suffered a horrible custody battle during your last pregnancy. It sure sounds like you may be heading for another one if something doesn't change pretty drastically.

Alot of us come here to bitch or find validation or whatever, but you sound in a very, very dark place to me, and I know you understand that things won't get easier as your pregnancy advances or after the baby's born. Maybe after a long break, I'm talking months or more, it will be clearer to you how to move forward in your marriage and your life, and at least you will have made it safely through your pregnancy and delivery.

What happens if you develop health problems, and are bedrested (I was!)? What would he do then? Or if you have a C section? What if, God forbid, YOU need to be taken care of? I'm really asking these questions of him, not you, because I imagine you've already lamented these things privately. I know I did. What if you showed him this post, to open the conversation?

Many years ago, my brother out of the blue called me up and asked my husband and I to take his 11 year old daughter for an indefinite amount of time. Just like that. He had no resources or support system where he lived (across an ocean from us), was trapped in his job, was a single parent and overwhelmed with depression and anxiety. He could not leave his job to come to us, nor could we go to him. BM was out of the picture. So he sent us his kid.

We were a childless couple in our thirties. We picked her up at the airport, set her up in the spare bedroom, enrolled her in our school district, no attorneys or courts involved, just notarized letters from her dad granting us authority to make medical decisions, etc. I taught my niece to drive a stick and ride a horse (we had a farm, she never left the property in the truck lol), answered her questions about sex and helped her with algebra. Was she upset at first? Of course! She was full of doubt and anxiety about leaving her dad, but she gained alot from us too, and returned to her father about a year later when he had his sh*t together and could be a better parent. In the end, it benefited all of us. She and I are closer to this day because of it, and she's a grown woman now.

I acknowledge that this would not work for everyone. There are custody issues, etc. But you obviously need help, and it is not forthcoming from your DH. If none of the skids' biological extended family is willing to take them in or help you at home, could you turn to your own family and ask someone, or several someones in shifts, to commit to coming into your home every day while you retired to your room, or to take the skids out of the home for several hours every day, to begin to vent some of this tremendous pressure you're under? Is it crazy to suggest packing skids and all with you to your family for several days every week so that you can rest THERE while someone else watches them? I know leaving your marriage is not an option right now.

And please look for postpartum depression support online in your area. You may already have done so, but I mention it anyway in case you haven't and may be able to find free counseling, or direction to other resources. Postpartum Progress is a good place to start.

I know it's hard to ask for help. My heart goes out to you. You sound strong, and decent.

You sound like I did 6 years ago. BM called at 930pm in May of 2010 and said CPS had taken the kids from her....she even lied about the reason. DSO spoke up and told the CPS lady that Sure, we would take the kids. Problem was, I had stated many times that I did not want to raise kids again, mine were adults and out of my house.

For the first year, I worked straight weekends, I work 3 12.5 hour days like your DH. I did it all. After a year, I told DSO I wasn't doing it anymore and he had to figure something out or get his own place so he could get welfare benefits. The kids had aleady been kicked out of 2 day care places bc of their nasty violent behavior. He had to drop to 20 hours/week and start taking care of his own kids.

You have to speak up for yourself first! Difference between you and me is that I was in my late 40's and no way in hell did I want to spend my time raising his kids...I also have a good enough job that I was OK on my own and didn't need him or his income to survive.

Answer this question though: What happens when the skids behavior is picked up on by your babies? Are you worried the skids may turn on your babies and hurt them?

You need to worry about you and your babies, not someone else's kids that obviously don't care about you at all.

I feel for you. I have an SS11 as well and he has some major issues. Luckily he is a sweet kid, but I do get a bit annoyed more so with his parents because they have adopted the same parenting methods as your DH and his BM. My DH is a great person, but he has to be the "cool dad," and his mom has to be the "cool mom." My SS doesn't really know how to tie his own shoes. He complains constantly about being hurt. He still asks for help in the shower and brushing his teeth. He never picks up after himself. I tried my best for about 3 years to try to intervene, but then I became the wicked stepmother. I came on here for the same reasons as you, and many people gave me the advice of disengaging. I have been doing that. I do care about my SS, but every time I try to teach him right from wrong DH ends up getting mad at me. I don't want my SS to be ridiculed and made fun of, but if my help is not welcome then what can I do? I do think my DH will regret his parenting style one day, but I have to do what's best for me. If SS isn't cleaning up after himself, I tell DH. If DH wants to clean up after an 11 year old, go right on ahead. If DH wants to brush an 11 year old's teeth, go ahead. If DH wants to help an 11 year old in the shower, go ahead. If DH wants people to look at him as though he's lost his mind when he picks up an 11 year old as though he's a baby, that's all his problem.

I will tell you disengaging has helped me. Things aren't perfect, but they have gotten better since I began disengaging. I have a really big family and when SS is over, I usually visit with them, or go out to dinner with them. It really has helped me to enjoy my weekends. We have SS every weekend. I have brothers and sisters with children and they have all commented on SS odd behavior. I just tell them that I tried to help and I failed, so I'm not going to do that to myself.

You have to do what's right for you. It sounds like you really care about this kid and that you want to help. Honestly, I care deeply for my SS and my DH, but sometimes people need to learn from their own mistakes. I'm not going to lie, it hasn't been easy, but my own sanity has improved. I do NOT feed into the drama. SS still claims to be "hurt" all the time and I just ignore it.

I wish you a lot of luck with your situation.

I am puzzled by his eating food off of other people's plates. How could he possibly do that without getting a fork stabbed into the back of his hand? That would be what I would do if he pulled that crap with me after he had been firmly told not to do it again.

Lather, rinse, repeat. Eventually he will get tired of trips to the ER to get forks surgically removed from the backs of his rude food stealing hands.

It may be time to investigate an exit strategy in order to protect yourself and your own young children from over exposure to this shallow and polluted gene pool and your DH's abject parenting failures. On one hand DH is fighting for custody of his children then on the other he fails to parent worth a shit? :?

Curiouser and curiouser.

Upon further reading... the fix is for you and DH to sit down for a talk and for you to give him clarity that as equity life partners you are also equity parents to any children in your home regardless of kid biology.

He needs to understand that he is currently operating as an abject failure regarding the parenting of his elder children, particularly SS, and that you will no longer tolerate their behavior to go un-confronted and as the father of your children give DH a clear understanding of what he WILL do regarding parenting. He has a choice. Step up and get the parenting and disciplining done before you have to or STFU and have your back while you do it.

Then inform him that together you will document the reasonable standards of behavior for kids in your home and together going forward you both will enforce those standards in an age appropriate manner for all kids in your home with particular focus on SS-11 until his behavior conforms to the standards that you and DH set.

Good luck.

There has been a lot of good advice being thrown around. I also agree with most of the people here saying that you need to have a real good conversation with your DH about who needs to take care of the children and that you can't be the only one who plays the parent role. It is definitely too much and can lead to some serious issues in the long run.

Talk with you DH, tell him that he needs to step up and take some responsibility about his children!