How did your skids turn out?
Hi all, I'm a stepmom to a 9 yr old girl I've know for 5 years. DH and I have been married for 3 yrs and have 2 kids together, age 2 and 1.
My question for those of you who've been through a lifetime (or at least many more years than myself) of step parenting is, did your skids, if spoiled when they were young, turn into normal functional adults, or not so much?
I worry a bit about things with SD. Also worry about how she impacts the other two kids in our family. I will say upfront, I'm fully aware that a big part of this problem is DH. And I know that I'm responsible for marrying/having kids with a man who spoils his daughter and feels like a guilty dad. However, he's a better dad to the little ones in terms of limit-setting and having higher expectations of them. He's not a deadbeat or a distant dad.
SD isn't a tantrum thrower but rather a superficially pleasing girl who's smart enough to smile and lie, and deceive to get what she wants, or sneak it if she is denied. She's a materialistic girl who's been spoiled with things, and "specialness" for years by both sides (mom and dad). When someone gives her a gift (i.e., a relative just sent her a $50 check, which is a lot of money for a 9 year old I think) she doesn't bother to see who it's from, or to thank that person. She just starts thinking about ways to spend and what new toy she's going to get. She has literally hundreds of toys and doesn't take care of them or ever pick up after she's done playing. I find her harder to live with as she gets older, instead of easier. I feel like she expects our house to run somewhat like a hotel/restaurant - even though she's here 50%. My DH is so busy worrying that she'll feel left out around our two little ones (ages 2 and 1) that he forgets to ask her to do basic things like pick up after herself, help out with chores - but I'm already engaging my 2 yr old in chores, which DD2 will do with little prompting- but DD also has metldowns like most toddlers, and if so she faces immediate consequences (which I have to enforce, even if DH agrees with me.) DD2 also has learned to eat most things that are placed in front of her, clean up when done with play, say please and thank you, and she helps me write thank-you's anytime someone gives us a gift. I'm trying to teach her empathy and consideration for others, and I'd like her to learn how to tolerate boredom, play quietly and not expect adults to entertain her (she does pretty well with these things so far.) SD has some really nice traits- she's not awful- she is just getting more and more entitled seeming as years go by.
And because SD has never thrown tantrums or talked back, my DH has said she needs no discipline or parenting. But she also seems to lack problem-solving skills, frequently feels a need to interrupt adults and can't seem to entertain herself when the conversation or day isn't all about her. Now, granted she's only 9. But I've been hearing the "only 5, only 6, only etc etc" for years.
Every time I point out a limitation in her behavior or development my DH says "she's only..." or he says "but her mom spoils her and there's nothing I can do about it..."
He does occasionally back me up with discipline but it's not consistent. He doesn't (thankfully) throw me under the bus in front of her, but because I'm tired of it, she'll never be mine, and I she's so close with her mommy, I'm pretty disengaged now to where I tolerate her, am kind to her, but focus on my two kids instead and have really stopped parenting altogether. He used to want me to be a sort of Mommy to her, and has asked me to help a lot w/ her school drop off/pickups and her activities, meals/baths etc, and has left me with her for entire weekends when he's gone out of town to visit friends or family- thus, placing me in a parental role with her.
I guess I feel stuck in genuinely wanting to help SD learn how to become a more fully formed person, a more grateful or helpful person, and wanting to stay out of it altogether. It's not my job to care more than her parents- I know, this is my mantra. But she does have the potential to rub off on my kids, and it's my job to raise them right- and I really don't want them acting like this.
Should I just quit worrying and let it go, and know that since my DH is a good, functional member of society, she's likely to grow up that way eventually too? Am I right to be concerned? Do you think all 9 yr olds are ungrateful spoiled brats? I'm just wondering if I should lower my exceptions, vs prepare myself for what I could be up against in a few years...
Thanks for reading. I hope you will give me some helpful advice, not tell me to leave my husband. I really want our family to work.
advice.only is right. Focus
advice.only is right. Focus on your bio's ONLY..raise your kids to be good citizens who have work ethics. Teach them compassion BUT teach them to walk away from anyone who does them harm including family members.
To answer your question sorta look at the family the kids spend the most time with.
DH 's are just like BM and her entire family. The saying the apple doesn't fall far from the tree is true.
DH's daughters are in the
DH's daughters are in the thirties now, and I've been around since the eldest was twelve.
Neither has a career. Neither is educated, or has ever lived independently.
OSD is an anger-filled, narcissistic, MOTY who is entitled to the ninth degree. She is the sun and her kids are the planets; together, they are the universe. OSD prefers to be a SAHW, and can't keep a job anyway due to her poor social skills and bad temper.
YSD (different mother) hasn't been a part of our life since she ran off eleven years ago. She is a compulsive liar and has inherited mental illness from her BM. She has had two OOW children, and the elder (who was put up for adoption) has deficits due to the parents' drinking/drugging.
I have been around since
I have been around since skids were teens. They were "ungrateful spoiled brats" from an early age and rude and hateful to me for years. Now that they are adults, things have thawed to a fake niceness. SDs both have masters degrees (DH and I even paid for one of them) and SS will get his MBA next year. All 3 successful in their careers and in committed relationships with equally successful people. SD's both own houses and SS is about to buy one with his wife. DH tells people he'll be happy if our DDs turned out half as well as the skids. I thought for the past several years that we had finally formed some kind of relationship but then they excluded our DDs, their half siblings, from their weddings. Now they are back to being classless aholes.
I would lower your expectations to rock bottom and focus on your own kids.
Been in Aergia's life since
Been in Aergia's life since she was about 7 or 8 - she moved in with us age 11, BM ignored her for 2 years flat, no calls nothing, we had a very good relationship and BM crawled from under her rock when Aergia was 13 - everything went to shit...
I disengaged and moved out of the home....SO was never a parent, still today he's not a parent, Aergia is a file little girl of 17 thinking she's 25 and doing things that a 25 year old will do, she respects no one and nothing, not even herself.... SO just gives her money and gifts and do not allow her to do anything...
I really do not care, she's not my child and not my responsibility, I'm not responsible for the sort of person she will be one day, she will leave end next year and I do not care what becomes of her....
If it was not for this site, I would've been dead by now or in jail for murder, but I've learned to disengage and accept the fact that I'm not responsible for her, yeah she can blame me one day I will only smile and say .. in my Gordon Ramsey voice - Eff Off
Met my sd when she was 12.
Met my sd when she was 12. She was behind in maturity and social skills and had a mean streak a mile wide.
Now at 17 she is behind in maturity and social skills and meanness. She has also failed multiple classes, has a truancy problem, is sorely lazy, filthy, with no plan for the future which is coming at her fast. She should not graduate but I suspect the school will find a way to give her several credits for...wearing pants or not burning the school down....or speaking English. And then she will be given a "free" diploma.
What will become of her? She will couch surf at her mother's for an indefinite number of years, I suspect. She may acquire a job or two eventually but I foresee not being able to keep them. There is still some chance she'll flee the state to join up with her sadsack boyfriend whose parents whisked him off to another state a few months ago when he graduated. Fingers crossed for that one.
Our approach was a bit
Our approach was a bit different than most. My bride and I agreed early in our relationship that if we were going to be equity life partners that we would be equity parents to any children in our home regardless of kid biology.
In our blended family the picture it was pretty simple. I had no kids, my bride and I did not add any kids once we married due to health concerns following severe toxemia/pre-eclampsia during her first pregnancy, so SS was the only kid in our family picture.
His mom and I met when SS was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. We certainly had an evolutionary adjustment period but from the beginning my wife supported my position as an equity parent to the SKid, and we did not give a flying rat's butt what the SpermIdiot and broader SpermClan thought about it. Not a difficult situation for us since my bride had sole physical and legal custody and the SpermClan had only limited long distance visitation.
Their visitation schedule was ~7wks per year (5wks summer, ~1wk winter, ~1wk spring) so their opportunity to interfere in our home and family dynamic was fairly minimal.
This worked for us. Since neither of us are much interested in disengagement and far more interested in direct positive action in dealing with problems it turned out pretty well.
Our son turned out to be a young man of character who was able to recognize the toxic characterless crap from his SpermClan and put them and their crap predominantly in his rear view mirror.
The ultimate proof positive of the effectiveness of our equity partner/parenting model is that in mid-year 2015 (he was 22 at the time) he asked for me to adopt him and to take the name of the family he has been an integral part of since before he was 2yo. We made that happen.
My recommendation is that you and DH align, agree, and support each other as equity life partners and equity parents to any children in your home and any blended family opposition that you run into should be confronted and destroyed ASAP regardless of where in the blended family picture it raises its head. If that makes you “Mom” so be it.
Good luck.