Evil Ex Wife and Stepdaughter!!! HELP!!!
Looking for any advice i can get. Ive been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. Ive moved 7 hours away from my friends and family so that we could be together. i dont have any kids, He has 3 kids (ages 7,12,17) and a crazy ex. When i first met his kids everything was ok as far as getting along with them, the 17yr old got along a hundred times better with her dad (my bf) than her mother. She would scream at her mom on the phone everyday or constantly ignore her phone calls. but then his ex started to majorly brainwash them into not liking me. She would call them non stop if she knew they were home with me, gone as far as showing up at our house demanding they come out and leave with her. Telling them that if im downstairs they need to be upstairs, to not let me touch their hair, (which im a hairdresser and would help the little one in the morning get ready for school and put a braid in or just a ponytail) if she would find out that i was taking them to school she has shown up to our house and followed us to school, i could go on and on but i think id run out of space. just crazy crazy psycho things. To start out- the crazy ex and i had it out at a school function because she made a scene about me being at the oldests FFA banquet and i finally had enough after 2 years of the bullsh** and called her a F***ing B**CH! and also sent her a very hateful text message to follow. Well of course the daughter was shown the text message and since then hasnt talked to me once.
Well last Feb the oldest one (now 17) at that time had just turned 16 (her dad, my boyfriend- had just paid for 1/2 of her car) turned into a complete brat. Would be going to parties, driving after drinking, rumors of drug use (not confirmed), lying, not following house rules etc. Justin tried gounding her and taking her phone away but that would last 2 days. He finally had it with her after he caught her at a party and she wanted to drive home, he went and got her and got her home and she puked all over our bathroom. He took her phone and car away but what did she do?? she ran to her moms, she went out and bought her a new phone plan, told my bf that the car was 1/2 hers because she also paid 1/2 and demanded the keys back, and we have hardly seen his daughter since. She blames me for the text message that i sent her mom over a year ago and has now turned all of Justins family against both of us. They think that i am the reason that my BF and his daughter have grown so far apart. Last weekend was her 17th bday and usually we have a family party for all the kids and their mom also has a family party for her family for the kids. WEll my Bfs daughter called 2 weeks ago saying that she didnt want a party at our house but wanted one just at her moms and that all of my BFs family was to come to her moms house for the party. He told her that there was no way in hell that he was going out to his ex wifes house for the party, both him and i would be ridiculously uncomfortable as would the majority of the rest of the family (so we thought) So the exwife texted all of his family and invited all of them to come. 75% showed up for the party. I just dont know what to do anymore. Im exhausted worrying about and hating his ex-wife and daughter so much it makes me sick. I just wonder if this is all worth it. Im so far from my family and friends its always on my mind if i made the right decision to have to go through all of this. Any advice or suggestions would be soooo much appreciated..
Thank you for your reply- yes
Thank you for your reply- yes now that time has passed i really do regret sending the text, i still feel the same towards her but i wish i wouldnt have sank to her level because it is exactly what she wanted me to do and it all worked out in her favor. But its over and done with and i cant take it back. Definatley a lesson and i deleted her name out of my phone and have not said a word to her or sent any other messages since last year.
If your BF and his ex have
If your BF and his ex have joint legal custody of the over entitled selfish 17 SD, your BF could be held responsible for any damages that the SD does if she is in a accident. In California, it use to be, either parent could go to DMV and request that the SD license be removed. I wouldn't want the liability of that brat in case of a lawsuit from a accident.
As to your BF family, at least you know where their loyalties land with the ex.
thank you for the reply- Im
thank you for the reply- Im not sure if that law abides in Missouri or not, maybe something to look into. As far as the family - yes i agree. i feel very betrayed over it. Expecially since they were the only family i have here since my family is all in Wisconsin. My BF acts like it doesnt even bother him and just goes on like it never happened ( he is a person that hates confrontation) its hard to explain tho in words how awful this woman has destroyed and treated us the last 3 years. If it were my family- they would NEVER even consider talking to my Ex or going to any functions unless i was ok with it regardless if it was their grand daughter/neice. I am the daughter (as he is their son/brother) his feelings should be taken into consideration as well. ( but thats one diffrence between my family and his) Its nothing but constant Drama with his.
The good thing is your are
The good thing is your are not married to him. Otherwise, it might make this situation even more complicated. Personally, I wouldn't sacrifice so much for a man that I was not married to ( and I speak from experience). When I was just dating my husband, I stayed out of everything. I didn't get involved excepted when he asked me too. Like if he needed me to pick up the kids and feed them cause their no good mama didn't feed them, then I did. I bought clothes and food for his kids, but only when he said he needed help. I didn't talk with the mother at all, and he didn't put me in his business either. Now, when we married, things changed overnight and the eldest SD couldn't deal with that and a wonderful picture was turned upside down in a mater of a few days. Still, it has been six years and each year it appears to get a little easier.
Thank you for your reply and
Thank you for your reply and advice. trust me, if i could go back and do it all over again i would have done things way diffrent. I willingly help with the kids most the time without being asked. I make sure they have a good meal (as does my BF) 75% of the clothes that is in their closet i have bought, which i buy them good name brand trendy clothes and shoes - which we constantly battle the clothes situation- we send them in nice clothes and they come back looking like ragdolls. If their mom knows that i personally bought them something that we send them to her house in, its almost a guaruntee that we will never see that piece of clothing ever again. Its ridiculous. Im the one that watches their grades online and keeps my BF updated on how their grades are, lunch money act balance, etc. Which i do not mind doing that stuff for them and him, but not if im not going to get anything from it in return in the long run. I just wish i knew the future and would know if its going to get better down the road or not, if not then i am wasting my time because i dont think i can deal with this forever.
pfft ignore the BM and the
pfft ignore the BM and the brat...... you simply forgot that blood is thicker then water.
SD did not have a life change and suddenly turned into a brat, she was bamboozeling all off you.
Reason for SD rather stay at Dad's then mum's cause mum had rules and regulations and Dad not, mum had them doing chores etc, DH had you doing all off that, so they stayed with him cause they had a little maid doing their chores.
And you just never realized and saw it that way..... then BM got jealous .... nothing new to this, suddenly she told them no more chores at my home you should not be doing dishes or what ever, and you started asking for help.... kids packed and went off to mums. This is normal happenings in blended life, kids wants to live where they are treated as equals and doing nothing.
Now my advice to you, simply disengage from it all, these are not your children and not your problem, block BM from ever contacting you, block the kids from ever contacting you on social media, the good girls can have your number but nothing more. You do not even buy them gifts or clothing or anything, not even a bag of crisps,,,, full disengagement is in order (but if the younger ones are still friendly towards you, you do not disengage from them)
treat people the way they treat you, yes they will be offended cause how dare you... but who cares.. you are responsible for your own happiness not some brat... focus on your relationship with SO, he can talk as much as he wants, he can ask for advice on situations, you always answer him, Hon you are the father and a good one, you would know best....and if the skids asks you something, smile and say ASK YOUR DAD....
Read the link below, this saved me... and your SD17 is not a patch against my Aergia same age... I notice everything I just pretend not to notice, if you give them enough rope they hang themselves in their lies and deceit. I made it clear to my SO - we will not be caring for any babies from any one of the children, as soon as one of them rocks up pregnant, they are out, go and live with the baby daddy family and all support will be cut, if you are old enough to drink drive and f#ck you are old enough to find a job and care for yourself (I have a bio)
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
Thank you very much for your
Thank you very much for your reply and for all the great advice. I went ahead and read the link you sent and again some very good information . I feel like I have definitely stepped back and quit buying them things to be nice. I used to- if I would go shopping there was never a time where I wouldn't come home with something for his 2 younger kids. His oldest SD and I have never been close, she's been a teenage brat pretty much ever since I met her, she's not a bad kid- she's a straight A student and is planning on going to school for anesthesia- but she's just a spoiled spoiled brat. As far as the younger 2 go- his 7yr old daughter for the most part is pretty good- I'd like some advice on a few things-
1) she will joke around, talk my ear off until her dad is around- when he comes around it's like she flips a light switch and forgets all about me and only will do stuff with her dad, & almost did-includes me and sometimes it almost feels like she does it on purpose ( but for the last 3 years her mother has constantly been told to stay away from me by her mother)
2) if we are in a public place she is fine around me, especially if we are doing something fun like swimming at the city pool or at a get together- but as soon as her mother would walk in she does a complete 180. Acts like she doesn't even know who I am- will not say a single word to me.. so she will go from "Lindsey watch me watch me, or Lindsey will you push me on the swing, will you take me to the bathroom" etc to not even looking at me when he mom is there if we are in public or in private place with her mom.
3) the 7yr old will not say goodbye to me when she leaves or goodnight to me in the evening when she goes to bed. It's like (which I'm sure has happened) that her mom had it instilled in her brain that she is not to say goodnight to me or goodbye to me EVER... what do I do???And if her mom happens to be at the door picking her up you can guauntee that she won't even look at me even if 2 minutes before we were just chasing each other around the house- her attitude changes in the snap of a fiver.
To tell you the truth I would like to disengage 100% and show then what it's like without me around and to my boyfriend what it's like and how much I really do for him and his kids. & I do have the perfect opportunity to do so- we have a business with living quarters and he leaves his business on wed/thurs and every other weekend to be with his kids otherwise we stay at the "lodge" 75% of the time which if I wanted to disengage I could just stay at the lodge 100% of the time. But to tell you the complete truth I go back with my bf and spend a couple days with him and his kids because I know his ex wife hates it. It's a guarantee every time she calls she asks if I'm there. So I go just because I know it pisses her off. And I also go back to make sure they dont take anything from my house ( she will call and have them stuff their backpacks full of clothes from our house because we have the good name brand stuff ) & when it's clothes that I buy them with my own money you can guess I am one very unhappy lady.
I just don't know what to.... but it is literally driving me crazy!!! I hate to wish my life away but I wish it was 10yrs from now the youngest would be 17, his son would be 22 and his best daughter would be 27. I just can't wait for that day.......
advice on your points, Hon
advice on your points, Hon the girl is 7 she's torn between loyalty and love....
remember she's not your child, you are merely a substitute in her life and she feels if she's nice to you her parents will be angry... remember BM is getting pissed off, thus why should her father be different, think like a 7 year old...
1. - she's into you when you are alone but as soon as Dad arrives she ignores you, simply because she does not know any better, BM told her to do this, accept it and let it go.... on her own time she will change just don't make a big fuss over it, keep the bit of relationship you have with her, let her set the terms ..
2. - she knows BM will have a tantrum if she's nice to you when BM is around, thus if she ignores you at a public place as soon as she sees BM - remember this little girl is protecting herself, play along and do not take it to personal, sit and observe and you will see she sneaks looks into your direction even if she's not saying anything... just wink at her or get a hand signal to confirm you are watching her... wipe your fore head, touch your ear - it's a secret language between you and SD and no one else should know about it...
3. - not saying good night and good bey - who cares, maybe she was never told it's good manners, just leave it, do not put her on the spot..... if she does not say anything, you do not say anything, a simply cheers SD or good night from you will make her feel happy, but do not stress if she does not say it back... she's 7... not 17
Ignore the ex wife and teach the BF to say to her, yes GF is here where else would she be.... she's my GF...
and hon simply ignore BM and her shit... it's not worth it
Thank you very much, I love
Thank you very much, I love your honesty:):)
We've all been there......
We've all been there...... but back then I did not have this site lol....
and don't get me started on the teenage brat you have on your hands, simply ignore her, she's old enough to understand right and wrong she's just being a bitch.
Do happen to know any other
Do happen to know any other good websites for step parents. I recently bought 3 books off amazon on step parenting that I'm waiting to receive.but I feel like I just want to pick up and leave some days- but the one thing that stops me is knowing it's exactly what the ex wife wants and I feel like she will win. I love my boyfriend more than anything but in 3 years our relationship has changed drastically, & I will take most of the fault because there have been very hard feelings in 3 years and feel like I've been walked all over by his ex in the beginning she would degrade me like no other and he wouldn't say anything he would just ignore it. So my feelings have definitely changed but I still love him through it but it's been hard to be a loving girlfriend with everything we have gone thru. It's been very very stressful to say the very least