not sure what to do about thanksgiving!
I have three adult step daughters. Only the youngest considers me her stepmom, the other two consider me their dad's wife.
Long story short, the middle daughter (20yo) had some financial support from her dad this past year to attend an 8 month school program as well as bailing her out and buying her a used car after hers died. While HE searched for a car for her, alone, he also gave her his daily vehicle to take to her home (with her mom, who also has a car). She recently graduated from this program and found out the day before graduation that she needed to come up with $1000 for missed classes or she wouldn't graduate. He bailed her out without consulting me. He does not have the money to do so, but he feels guilt and found a way.
When she signed up and started the schooling, they told her there was an error and she did not qualify for the student loans she applied for, so her dad got a personal loan and bailed her out. She is not tied to this loan at all (again did not consult me, he knew the answer I would have).
So a month after buying her this car, her check engine light comes on and he tells her to bring it to a shop and find out what's wrong. he can't help her get if fixed until they know what's wrong. She never did this. Her car then broke down. She blames him bc he didn't take the car to the mechanic before he bought it. Now she is fuming bc she has no car. Blames him bc she was supposed to start a new job but now can't because she has no car. Everything is his fault, she is ungrateful for any of the help he has given her. She sent him a text message accusing him of "talking shit about her" over taking care of the car. He had told her sister it was her fault she didn't get it looked at, she then repeated this to middle daughter.
It was a very inflammatory text that escalated to her tell him:
"It's your fault you never took the car to a mechanic before you bought it. Everyone knows you have to do that"
"I don't know why you ever even had kids"
(after he confronted her for being ungrateful and told her she was a spoiled brat) "That's right, I'm just a See You Next Tuesday" Only she did not spell it out like that...
It ended with her telling him to F*CK OFF.
Needless to say, we are both pissed off beyond belief. I told him that he needs to just not talk to her, she is a rude disrespectful spoiled brat, AND she is an adult. He was fine with that, he wants (and deserves an apology) but we know it will never come.
So, current day. We find out through her cousin that she is planning to come to our house for Thanksgiving! WHAATT?? I'm pissed off. I don't want to do anything for her. I don't want her eating the food that I paid for, that I cooked, in the house that I cleaned. Food she won't be grateful or thankful for. He doesn't either. She has another option to go to her grandmother's house.
The problem is that she is close to her sisters. One is not around for Thanksgiving but the other one is and if we tell the middle one she can't come, her sister won't come either and he doesn't want to cause a rift with her.
I'm really not sure what to do. It's easy when you are detached looking in to just say, tell her she can't come. But reality is harder than that.
thanks for letting me vent.
Let everybody know that you
Let everybody know that you are not hosting Thanksgiving this year and you and your husband just do whatever you want.
Set something else up to see the other SD.
I am hosting for MY family.
I am hosting for MY family. His family was also invited but my MIL's husband doesn't want to leave the house this year so now all of his family is eating over there and then coming to our house for dessert. But his girls think they are eating at our house.
NO one is allowed into our
NO one is allowed into our home if they treat me, dh or anyone like dirt.
I would not invite anyone for dinner under the circumstances you described.
Why did you suggest that your husband talk with his daughter? SHE should be the one who came over to your home to apologize. NOT the other way around to have dh call her.
Depending on the age of your husband that is elder abuse. SHE would never ever step foot into my home after saying that.
That is just me. I have been thru too much, heard too much and seen to much to take that stuff inside my home. NOPE and the same goes for my husband.
We have had enough.
We are having Thanksgiving at
We are having Thanksgiving at our house so my family has a place to go. It was originally supposed to be a blended family event, but my MIL's husband is a pill and wants to stay home so his family is now all guilted into having Thanksgiving over there. I don't care, less work for me.
I think you misread what I wrote. I didn't suggest he talk to her, I told him NOT to talk to her. Stand his ground that she is behaving like a little bitch and he wouldn't put up with it from anyone else, he doesn't have to with her just because she is his daughter.
You are so right! No
You are so right! No consequences. The problem lies with the "mother." She isn't a mother, she is their friend. She lets them do whatever they want always with the "what can I do?" attitude. Um, it's your house, there is a lot you can do. She let it get out of control, so they became out of control. Stopped coming over our place once they decided they liked the freedom of doing whatever they wanted whenever they wanted and didn't like having rules under our roof.
Their dad always had a close relationship with them but he isn't a doormat. He did these things for her thinking she was trying to turn her life around and start being responsible. Ready to be an adult but she doesn't act like one.
She assumed she was coming here for Thanksgiving because he invited her before this all went down. Why she still thinks it's ok to come after telling him to F off? Good question!!!!
We are going to sit down to talk about it later. It's eating at me. I don't want her here. Plain and simple. I am not celebrating a holiday about giving thanks with someone who is so full of herself and not thankful for a damn thing!
I've never been a doormat with her, our relationship has cooled as she gets older bc I gave her the benefit of being a moody teenager for a long time. But she's an adult now and I'm not going to cater to her. It's MY HOUSE!
She has no reason to be
She has no reason to be hostile when all he did was try to help her.
I have told him to send her a message. He doesn't want to talk to her. But I don't want to be the one in the middle, it's their fight. He wants a real apology, not a half assed "Im sorry, can I eat now?" one.
I told him he has to say something because I'm not feeding her. If she wants to come here, she better stop on the way and get herself a happy meal.
It's called a guilty
It's called a guilty conscience.
"F#ck off! It's icy at my house today so don't come here if you planned on coming!"
The BM poisoned them against
The BM poisoned them against their dad. During their marriage, she worked nights, he spent the majority of their waking hrs taking care of them when they were young. She would overcompensate when awake and give them whatever they wanted. He disciplined, she undid any punishments. He was always the bad guy. It only got worse after the divorce and he left the house.
The mom is the creator of their feelings of entitlement. Except the OSD, she is pretty self sufficient. She made good life decisions, going to school and getting a degree in medical field. Got her own student loans. Parents helped her get her first used car but she drove that thing into the ground and then bought herself a new one. Worked full time while going to school. She loves to be independent.
MSD, she wants a prince to come sweep her off of her lazy feet and pamper her and take care of her.
YSD, she is a drug addict currently doing a 4 month stint in jail. Ironically, she is the only one that considers me her stepmom. I love her to pieces. But again, too much time spent alone in her BMs house when she was only 13. Older sisters exposing her to things early, hooked up with an older guy. The mom basically let him move in with her when she was only 15-16. Never would have happened in our house. We tried to get custody but it was really too late. This guy got her involved in drugs and it took hold. The BM turned a blind eye. They went out and bought a lock for their BR door so BM couldn't get in. Are you fucking kidding me? OSD lived with us for a time and she tried to tell me how things were gonna be one day, locking me out of her room. Problem with that was her cat's litter box was in the closet in there, she didn't think about that. End result, when she came home from school she had no doorknob on her BR door, she's lucky she still had a door.
I don't put up with shit. I never have and I never will.
DH doesn't either but he has a hot head and knows sometimes he needs to walk away or he will say the wrong thing. I've made him work on that. Unfortunately, MSD picked up those traits.
He doesn't want to talk to her bc he wants a sincere apology and feels like if he reaches out to her, he's basically asking for one. He isn't sticking his head in the sand. He's pissed off. He is supposed to call her after work today to talk. He would never throw me under the bus and blame me for anything. He does the opposite. Tells her if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't have been able to help her with any of these things. He told her she needed to thank me, she never did.
I'm at the point where I can't stand who she is. I felt a lot of guilt and started googling online which is how I got here. It's refreshing to see I'm not alone and that it's ok to not like her and say it out loud. I don't want an apology of fake thanks from her. I want her to grow the fuck up. As long as her BM has that house, she never will. It's been 2 weeks since this blowup. She has no job, no car and no worries. I want nothing to do with that. DH and I are always on the same page when it comes to the skids and the BM.
Too bad you don't have a
Too bad you don't have a relative who is a law enforcement officer. (I have several). Then you could have one of them meet her at the door and escort her off property.
I think she should be informed (even if just a short text that morning) that she is not welcome.
Brat was invited before all
Brat was invited before all went down..... either DH calls her and say SD you are not welcome at our house, you told me to eff off, it's rude and you have hurt me, I do not want you here....
alternative: allow the snot to be there }:) every one sitting at the table, they have to say thanks for something, listen to what she says and when it's your turn (make sure you are last) say with a big fat smile - thanks to the heavens that this will be the last time SD20 is allowed in this house or gets an invite from this house, she told us to eff off....
She definitely thinks bc she
She definitely thinks bc she was born, the parents owe her everything. It's funny though that OSD does not have that same sense of self entitlement and worked really hard to be independent. She went to a 2 yr college and got all of her own student loans. MSD went to an 8 month beauty school (bc its the only thing that interests her) and couldn't do any of it on her own. Nothing. She blamed it on the school, said they told her she qualified, then after she started, told her she didn't. Of course you never get the real truth from her, it's ALWAYS someone else's fault, never her doing.
You've given some good advice, thanks. I've convinced him he needs to call her after work to have a talk. If it wasn't for Thanksgiving, he wouldn't do it. He would just not initiate any contact with her anymore. It kills him bc he doesn't understand why they treat him like shit. I used to feel like I needed to help facilitate a positive relationship and I did that while they were young. But she is 21 now, I'm done. I'm out. She does NOTHING for me. Ever. Im lucky if I get a fake thank you, she always gives a fake love you. I don't feel it. It's insincere.
It bothers me bc I had a "stepmom" that I never had a relationship with. She was just my dad's wife, not my stepmom. It was the same with my three siblings and when my parents divorced, he raised us. She didn't come into the picture until I was about 17. I didn't hate her but I decided as soon as they said she was moving in that I was moving out. She had a young daughter who I loved being with, but not the overbearing momma bear.
I didn't want it to be like that with my skids and it's always been a factor in propelling me forward trying to be positive. But at the same time, I am fiery and stubborn and if you cross me I carry a grudge for life. It takes a lot for me to stifle that. I've tried to do it with them but I've seen too much. I'll give you my everything if you have my back. But you get nothing when you give nothing.
She's having second thoughts
She's having second thoughts about her free money source. Betcha!!!! Time to look into separate finances so when DH forgives her next time it will be coming out of his pocket. Also agree with Stepaside - approach the Thanksgiving situation head on just in case she decides to ruin your dinner.