Need urgent advise before my emotions destroy my family :(
Will try to make this as brief and to the point as I can but need some input quickly and desperately:(
My husband and I have 5 children, he had 2 girls I had 2 boys we both had sole custody and we have a daughter together. We lost our oldest daughter to cancer when she was 10, almost 8 years ago - the boys are 28 24 and the girls are now 17 and 15. My husbands ex returned to the picture when his oldest daughter was diagnosed it created multitudes of turmoil but everybody for the most part did the right things at the right time. Our now 17 year started limited visitation with her mother over the last few years which we very much encouraged and sometimes forced thinking it was in everybodys best interest long term.
The boys are successful and other than normal boy stuff have stayed clean and out of any real trouble. Our 17 year old over this past year got in with the wrong crowd and began making a whole boat load of bad choices. she stopped confiding in me, I brought it to my husbands attention last summer he acknowledged but more so felt I was being over protective. The issue presented it self again when I was sure she had begun using drugs and having sex and lying about her whearabouts. This time had a sit down with my husband and her mom explained that she is pulling away from me because I was on to the antics and I need one of them to take this over in a hurry. In my opinion they were both dismissive so I forged forward asking the proding questions, double checking stories when I could and pointing them out to my husband to a point where I felt like the bad guy who was telling all the time. This summer it all escalated, we suddenly couldn't keep her home from her moms, didn't take long to figure out rules don't apply there. Asked my husband to stick to visitation schedule in hopes of reining some of this in but to no avail and I never really had the answer either when he would say " are we suppose to tell her she cant see her mom unless we are ok with it" she is almost 18??? I finally broke a cardinal rule of my own and looked at her texts and emails - it was 10x worse than I had felt in my gut - I brought it to my husbands attention we talked it to death one night all night deciding what to do ... too little too late the police were at the door the next day wanting to question her with regards to a drug house she was frequenting and sleeping over at when we thought she was at her moms and her mom thought she was at her girlfriends.
This turned out ok in the end in that she was dating a drug dealer smoking pot drinking and having sex but not selling drugs. lots of $$$ to an attorney and only consequence put in place by bio mom and dad was no more sleepovers any where for 90 days and bye bye boyfriend. I lost my mind ... told them both how bitter and angry I was that I couldn't get either of them to react to this far sooner and that them leaving me forced to be the bad guy was unfair but at this point her being safe was all I cared about and truly don't care if she hates me as long as she is alive and well - someday she will see it differently.
she didn't stop seeing the boyfriend, her bio mom took the girlfriend girlfriend approach of none of this would have happened if they didn't have you on such a short leash ( really???) so she did all of this because I am too strict??? I guess Im not following - you see lady you didn't raise your daughter because it was too difficult for you so I did since she was 2 and now you want to critize and not only critize but swoop her up and save her from her crazy strict "stepmonster" ??? We have never ever done the step thing since we had sole custody of all the kids they are all of our kids end of story.
2 weeks ago our daughter announced she needed a break from all of us that we just cant let it go that she made a mistake and she needs to leave to find her own happiness that the house is toxic and too much negativity. Maybe if your 17 ... I see it as accountability... we decided not to play the game and let her go - big parenting mistake the minute we looked at the texts again we discovered this was in the works with her bio mom for weeks and is intended to be long term. Everyday that she has been gone has been horrific here, I cry everyday and and every night our youngest daughter is angry with me and feels that I should not have pushed the issue or read her sisters texts, dad is angry and hurt by his ex and daughter but seems frustrated with me as he thinks my approach was to harsh and matter fact making me unapproachable.
2 weeks was up Wed. she called yesterday and asked my husband if he would meet her for dinner alone without me to go over things. The last 2 pivotal discussions with her prior to this hellish summer were also had once I was in bed and I was very very hurt and thought I had explained to them both very well how I felt. What I didn't realize was they both know how it made me feel but had no intentions of doing anything any differently obviously.
He agreed to meet her next week for dinner because she has a busy weekend and not to bring me - I literally threw up - my heart is in my throat - I want to cry kick scream leave quit walk away just die - I cannot describe the pain - my oldest son totally gets how destroyed I am and why, the other kids don't see it as a big deal since " we always have different go to convos with just you or just dad" my husband says " you told me to do what I had to do the get her home and family back on track so I did - now what I can hardly breath it hurts so bad and the bitterness I feel towards him for the lack of support with this over the last year - instantly turned to a hateful horrific feeling in my heart 
I either have to get a grip or this weekend is going to destroy my family please advise asap
truly truly appreciate the
truly truly appreciate the honestly thank you so much. Now what about US as in he and I - I have the craziest emotions I love him every bit as much as the day I married him 15 years ago don't want to devastate our 15 yr old daughter but have no idea how to get past this all consuming bitterness and anger and hurt:( Even assuming the SM roll now and committing to a backseat I am far more destroyed by him agreeing to leave me out of the come to jesus dinner then I am her for requesting it. She is a teenager playing teenager games but for him to agree to this and then tell me - my heart imploded into a million pieces and frankly the other kids just want me to get over it ... truthful I don't even want to get out of bed let alone over it Im so confused
Of course you're angry. You
Of course you're angry. You saw yourself as a stable mother for that girl. But HeavenLike has it just right. You might have to trust that your DH is doing what he thinks is best for SD--please don't see it as a rejection of you or your love toward SD.
You may be in a grieving process for this girl. Your loss is huge, and it's real. But grieving takes time and you're angry at your DH. You'll move through other stages of grief until you come to accept it. That takes time, and it's not a linear process. Two steps forward, one step back. But you'll get there. Individual counseling might help you over the worst of it, especially if you can find someone who knows stepfamily dynamics.
I will also tell you that addicts (I don't know if your SD is or is not, but she is heading in that direction) will do ANYTHING to get their next high. They will put their sweet face on and lie like the devil to the point where you believe them because you want to so badly. They will steal and deny it, even when presented with evidence. If your SD is on the path to serious addiction, it might be really good that you are learning to step back now. There is absolutely nothing you can do to save an addict. You can support them only when they make the decision themselves to get clean.
thank so much so grateful I
thank so much so grateful I found this site you ladies are amazing and spot on. I would feel pretty secure in saying not an addict yet - but because I am positive she struggles with the lose of her sister to cancer she also struggles with anxiety and according to most I have spoke to these kids use the pot to ease the anxiety and the ball rolls from there. She had counseling at the time but she was very young combined with the fact that I am sure she wants and needs her mothers approval I understand how it could have started regardless of open family talks and clearly knowing right from wrong - I whole heartedly believe she needs help far above and beyond me - just hate that I got kicked off the team :(:(
You are amazing not sure if
You are amazing not sure if it's life experience your speaking from or professional experience but you may have just saved a marriage that truly never should implode I'm just crushed
The mtg is about the fact that she asked for 2 weeks at her moms to get her thoughts together - ( the 2 weeks of homecoming festivities:) She's no dummy lol 3.9 GPA. just stupid teen choices that could have cost her a lot more than her education - sorry I'm rambling - we know now she had no intention of coming back so she is either going to hit him with coming and going btw the two homes however she chooses until she leaves for college or that she will come by and visit but can't come back because " she can't trust me now that I have invaded her privacy and went through her phone" - since that's the story she tells her sister at school and all of her friends that have no idea the adventure she just took this summer. I feel it's the later because if it were not about me I feel sure she would have no problem telling us both I know you saw the texts and the pre plan and I'm going to live with my mom now . She is do hung up on I'm going to be 18 and should not have to ask to go anywhere just tell you I'm leaving and when i be back - he is about to make all if this ok - does that ran I have to as well or just not comment at all - he will want to come home and share entire convo minus anything negative about me and I know I will get the " so now you just don't care that's it you quit" speech but I hear you loud and clear and if I want my marriage I think your right and that's what I need to do - just shake my head like a disapproving aunt and keep my mouth shut 
Thank you so much for all if
Thank you so much for all if your input - was a very long sleepless night ( see update below) and I so wish I had reached out to ladies like you 15 years ago or even 10 when oldest daughter was diagnosed and BM returned to the pic
I love your comment that you
I love your comment that you were "lucky in that they were already older and able to be spiteful and rejecting so I wasn't let down very far."
I am new to the site and new to step-parenting. This site may be my saving grace. I have been getting so bogged down in trying to "help" my DH parent his 15 yr old daughter who recently came to live with us; I was about to lose my mind. I had some strange notion that we could work together to raise the children; coming to realize it's better to stay out of it. Let him parent his kids; I will parent mine.
It's just so hard to keep my mouth shut!
Question: Curious, so let's
Question: Curious, so let's say BM is not in the picture and she marries this man with a 2-year-old daughter. So, even tho. BM is not in the picture, SM is supposed to not act like she is this girl's mother? Really? Just in case BM shows up years later?
See, some of this "you are not the girl's mother," "BM and Bio-dad can start co-parenting now," etc., I don't really think makes that much sense, esp. for this situation. Because, if BM is not in the picture, of course SM is going to and even should take on that mothering role. Because, what else is she going to do--tell DH, "you take care of her yourself, I'm going shopping" when there is a 2-year-old+ around.
On the other hand, now that BM has come back into the picture, it is certainly more complicated. Hard to let a 17 year old who you think of as a daughter go. But now that she is pretty much an adult, she can live with mommy and will have to figure out things for herself.
You have every right to feel angry. It is okay for your DH to speak alone with his child, of course, but DH should not be keeping that much of anything from you. He is SD's bio-dad, but he is also your husband.
I agree that children will
I agree that children will choose BM over SM pretty much any time, even if BM has been gone for years, is a druggie, cheated on dad, etc. However, the question still remains: What is SM supposed to do--tell DH, "you take care of her yourself, I'm going shopping" when there is a 2-year-old+ around? She is supposed to sit around and eat chocolate bonbons while DH changes the diapers and does the parenting? I don't think so.
And, SD may come to see this for herself, but in some ways when BM abandoned that child or whatever reason she wasn't around, she gave up some (not all, but some) parental rights, whether she realized it or not. Yes, SM is the one hurting, but I think it would have hurt SM more to just sit back and let DH do most of the parenting when SD was growing up, "just in case" BM showed up at some point.
This is one of those times when it truly is a lose-lose situation for SM. Again, hard to let a 17 year old who you think of as a daughter go. But now that she is pretty much an adult, she can live with mommy and will have to figure out things for herself. ETA: Plus, see Chiefgrownup's post below.
Thank you so much you make a
Thank you so much you make a lot of very valid points - very hard long sleepless night ( see update) - so appreciate you taking the time to share your input with me - after last night I woke up this morning and researched some professional help asap and DH is completely on board to go together praying for some peace of mind soon:(
PERFECTLY WRITTEN:) Poor
PERFECTLY WRITTEN:) Poor girl's heart was too big. I know where she's coming from. WHEN that wake up call comes, all of us SMs get hurt. It's freeing to disengage. You don't get the blame or the praise for how they turn out.
Update: last night at dinner
Update: last night at dinner DH announced at the dinner table ( last year we took my 76 year old widowed father in law in who is self sufficient but very needy that's a whole other row to hoe:) but an issue because I don't like want or need is input on this or many other personal matters and DH continues to address these things in front of him) - important side note only because obviously I think through every action or reaction with my father in law in the room. So DH says he was doing some serious thinking at work and that I'm right we all need to come together the same way we did when oldest daughter passed and help get SD back on track and back home where she belongs that we have been through something so much tougher than this and we can do it . My heart was open my youngest of course anything we can do dad tell us - my 24 the old son " completely all in - father in law as well - he continues by pointing that none of us including himself had thought about inviting her to our sons 25th bday dinner out tonight because we have all been feeling so hurt. We all agreed that was wrong and the invite should be extended immediately - he continued by saying since mom (me) is the only one she has not reached out too because she in her pretty little 17 yr mind thinks I owe her an apology for reading her texts to verify my gut feeling that she was in very real danger and showing DH - that's not ever going to happen nor does DH think it should so his thought was for me to text the dinner plan and invite to her as a way of breaking the ice - I finally thanks to you ladies defended my self and said absolutely not a good idea at all not comfortable with that at all all things considered I should be the last person to send that - and here we go - pressure from DH , father in law chimes in well then I will do it - kids looking at me arghhhhh - - I completely caved told DH to compose the text on my phone show me first and I will send it .... 12 hours and 18 minutes later zero response - another massive blow to the guy for me - feeling more hurt and feel like DH just out a a big ok' nail in the marriage coffin because I think that was so incredibly unfair to do in front of everyone - we should gave had that discussion alone so I could not feel pressured to do it when I wasn't ready:( Happy Saturday - I just want to vomit:(:(
Everything Heaven said.
Everything Heaven said.
Seeing a therapist for the
Seeing a therapist for the first time in my life this week can't thank you enough for taking the time to share your advise - it truly got me through one of the toughest weekends in my life.
Slow clap for every word,
Slow clap for every word, wickedsm. And for your post above.
OP, stop accepting the judgment every single member of your family is throwing at you. It looks like an established pattern in your family. When anything seems at all anxious, tell OP she should have done this or not done that. Whew! What a great release of tension! Not my fault, it's all mom's/wife's fault!
You need to put up force fields, Scottie. You can start with your own 15 year old daughter. She should NOT feel free to judge you over your parenting. Give her a death stare and make it clear YOU are the parent and she can go mind her own business.
Also -- DH, I will never discuss any parenting issue in front of others ever again. Never ever. If you want to be embarrassed, go ahead and try me. When he does try it, have a joke up your sleeve for just such a purpose. Laugh as if he said something terribly funny (he did), "that reminds me...3 single fathers walk into a bar..." Subject changed. The end.
You have done a phenomenal job raising 2 young men and as a member of society, I thank you. You are beyond reproach as a parent. Anyone who thinks otherwise can puck off.
Let DH and BM handle speshul snowflake. Turn your attention to your younger daughter. Build very firm boundaries from now on. They will save you. BTW, the boundaries include your home. If you don't want a half-baked addict coming back in and back out and you have no authority, tell DH now. Tell him he's made it clear you have no authority over that girl therefore you cannot allow her to endanger your 15 year old by moving back in. He and BM can figure out how to save her, you will save your own child.
Thanks for taking the time to
Thanks for taking the time to offer some input really appreciate it - can't say lesson learned but I can say absolutely time to refocus and take my life back will let you know how I do:)
Its just so bizarre to me
Its just so bizarre to me that not I have finally opened up about some of this every single step mom I speak with says " could have seen that one coming" - wow - glad I threw out there - thanks for your time and input. Clearly time to make some major adjustments in my life and let the rest fall into place.
Can you come live at my
Can you come live at my house? It would be great to have someone else to set up as the fall-guy whenever I screw up my parenting. }:)
You're an adult. You can't
You're an adult. You can't blame your answer/response on your husband for not talking about this at the "right time".
Your answer should have been the same regardless of who was in the room or what anyone had to say.
Your absolutely right -
Your absolutely right - pretty enlightening week for me - I can't change either of them so time to make some necessary adjustments within myself
*****
*****
Hon I have sort of an idea
Hon I have sort of an idea how you must feel, you invested in this girl and she stabbed you in the back as soon as she got her Mum back. It happens to most of us unfortunately.
Stop wasting time thinking about this girl or trying to get her on the right path again, just disengage, you have 3 other children who loves and adore you... 3 other children who will accomplish more in life then this one silly little girl. Thus disengage from her... you never did anything wrong thus you do not have to apologize for anything..
If this little snot demands an apology, laugh it off and go on with life, deal with your hurt and anger, and disengage from this little snot...
Thank you great advise -
Thank you great advise - completely refocusing today and will let you know how I do :):)
read this and practice
read this and practice this
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
It is not you who is
It is not you who is destroying the family. It is your abject parental failure and waste of parental skin of a husband.
Your efforts are probably the last though failed effort to save your SD from herself. The good news... in a few short months when she gets caught at a crack house using and dealing she will go to prison and will no longer be around to damage your family.
My condolences that this young woman chose to swim in her shallow and polluted gene pool rather than accept the quality parenting you have provided.
I understand both your grief and your anger. The example this toxic young woman is providing for her younger sister should not be tolerated. Your youngest needs this toxic influence removed from the family equation as soon as possible. I would make that happen were I you.
Take care of you.
Good luck.