What's normal? Anything? Sorry for the long vent...
I am emotionally and mentally exhausted by being a step mother.
I moved across the country three years ago after getting divorced. I was married for eight years, and i'm now in my early thirties. I moved in with a man who was a friend of a friend because I needed a fresh start. We were strictly roommates and friends for the first 2 1/2 months I lived with him. We hung out every day getting to know each other, but again, just roommates and friends. I decided I was going to move back to my home state after 2 1/2 months, and we ended up sleeping with one another the night before I left. Within two weeks of returning to my home state, I found out I was pregnant. We decided to give it a shot since we got a long so well and enjoyed each others company, so I moved back in with him.
I am now married to this man and we have a 2 year old son. Our marriage is great, besides the problems caused by his ex that revolve around their 9 year old son. The ex completely flipped out and removed their son from our home when she found out I was pregnant. She would not let their son return until we all sat down and told their son I was his dad's new girlfriend, with her sitting there with tears in her eyes as well. Most awkward and uncomfortable moment, ever. She trespassed into our home when she knew my husband was out of the house, literally just walked in and made me sit down and talk to her. This is when she started telling me I had other choices than to have my child, that this wasn't good for my husband, and airing all of his past problems. They had been split up for 1 1/2 years prior. She did this more than one time.
We recently got married in January, and she had a problem with this as well. We ended up getting married while we were on vacation in Mexico, which she said was disrespectful to her. I'm not sure why that matters since we have our own child together as well. We shouldn't have to run our life decisions past her. She has this misunderstanding that she should be sitting down with us when we have to tell their son anything, like we're having a baby or got married. SHE wants to be there with all of us, which is completely crazy to me. Since she had fought with us this last time about how disrespectful we were to get married, we got a lawyer and ended up getting more custody and changing some prior agreements. Now it's 50/50 custody, and instead of my husband paying child support, she has to pay child support. We're down to the financial part of the custody arrangment and have a court hearing next week. Out of no where, this woman subpoenas both myself and my husband's parents to testify in court. I'm very confused by why she would want me to testify in court. I don't ever want to be around her, and to sit in front of her in a court room while her lawyer asks me questions... NO THANK YOU! I despise this woman. I've never disliked anyone more in my entire life. She has continuously put me in awkward and uncomfortable situations since I have moved in with my husband.
They also have switched to a court appointed communication method "talkingparents.com" because she felt the need to text my husband on a near daily basis. It was usually about the child, but what is there to discuss about a 9 year old on a daily basis? It was stupid unnecessary texts from her that my husband woke up to almost every day. I'm just so irritated, as my marriage with my husband would be so much better without her having to be in his life. My step son is not a bad child, but because of his mother, I have come to resent him and dislike when he comes over. I distance myself as much as possible, and i'm constantly irritated by him hanging on his dad or sitting on his dads lap. Is it normal for 9 year olds to hang all over their parents and sit on their laps? What about 9 year olds calling their dads "dada"? It has been a long time since i've been 9 years old, so i'm really out of the loop as to what's normal and what's not. Everyone babies him though because his parents aren't together. Big deal, tons of kids live a life of two seperate households. It doesn't give a reason to constantly baby and give him whatever he wants.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I will not leave my marriage, as my husband is a great husband and great father to our son. But how do I get past the rest of this and get rid of my resentment? I dread every weekend his son comes over. It's the only thing we fight about, and it's a fight every single weekend. I resent his child, who is not a bad child, because I hate his mother. My husband doesn't understand why I can't get past this easily. He just doesn't get the frustration, and that I haven't forgotten or forgiven what she had done when I first found out I was pregnant. Do couselors actually help in these type of situations? Or am I going to feel this way for the next 8 years? Is it normal for everything to be considered daddy's when his child talks about our home, pool, etc? I mean I live here too... but everything will always be daddy's? One time he actually said "daddy's house, daddy's rules". Grrrrr....
Sorry it's so long. Sometimes I just feel as though i'm losing my mind. :?
The mother is a frequent
The mother is a frequent visitor to crazy town, so ignore her crazy ass and tell her to suck it when she demands her unreasonable demands. Realize that her mental issues cannot and will not be resolved by you all acquiescing to her requests of having "sit downs" with everyone involved. The fact your husband not only entertained the idea, but allowed it the first few times is laughable and he should be ashamed that he let his ex manipulate the situation by using "it's for the child's" excuse. That's (one of) the oldest tricks in the book.
How much work do you do in regards to taking care of his older son? Whatever you do, sit down with your husband and tell him that you can't do it anymore (be it any aspect of parenting) until stricter boundaries are in place and things settle down because you're getting too emotionally upset and don't want to resent his son (who you say is a good kid) because his mother is interfering with your lives.
Also, even if you don't realize it, the stress and conflict of court has taken it's toll on you emotionally. I suggest you guys find a good couples counselor just to pre-emptly resolve any issues before they get out of hand.
Once court is over, (and for goodness sake, I hope your husband requests they use My Family Wizard so you guys never have to directly contact the witch--trust me, it'll cut down on a lot of the negative feelings because you won't feel so vulnerable to being ambushed by her) and things settle down, I imagine if you can resolve some of the residual anxiety, you'll feel a lot better.
Also, the next time she comes to your door, warn her once to go away, then get the police involved, and then a restraining order. The nerve of some people who think they can just go to someone's house uninvited.
Hugs.
Yikes. All of that sounds
Yikes. All of that sounds awful.
I get annoyed by the "dad's" this or that as well. My skids are great...we have a good relationship and they treat me with respect and a degree of love (they're older now...so they tend to forget about me a bit). But when I overhear them talking to their friends or each other it's always: "I'm at my dad's house" or "We're taking dad's car..." Etc. I think it's a natural bias to have...but I wonder if it contributes to the inheritance / will disputes we read about on here so often? If kids grow up thinking everything is "daddy's" I guess they may be surprised when stepmom gets anything...lol. I've been maintaining this house...paying most if the bills and upkeep...for the past four years. So it's in my name and so are both cars. Sorry kids
No this is not normal, making
No this is not normal, making you meet with BM etc. What is/was your husband thinking that would accomplish? Just crazy land, taking you to crazy land. If it makes you feel any better--I have 50 year old skids who can string out dadeeeeeee into about 16 syllables and, I would not doubt "dada" might come out one day! At a point it does become emotional manipulation.
I do suggest a will, sooner than later; to ensure in writing your rightful property.
Oh, no contact at all with that crazy jealous BM! And, tell husband to go see a therapist if he insists you visit with her.
The meetings with her haven't
The meetings with her haven't happened in quite awhile because I absolutely refused after the first time, unless she just showed up when I was alone. We had to meet with her one time in a public place to watch her cry and tell my husband how he had to pay for half of their 6 year olds therapy sessions. Therapy sessions because his dad had a new girlfriend, me. He didn't end up going to therapy, and he didn't need to. Then she came over and sat here while my husband told his son I was his girlfriend, and she cried. Their son was completely fine with it, but she sat there and started to cry right next to him. Then she showed up to my home when my husband was gone, walked right in, and sat here for over an hour trying to convince me to leave and go back to my home state. This time my husband really did tell her she was never welcomed to come inside his home ever again. And she hasn't, thankfully. One other time she showed up outside and I absolutely refused to come out of my room. I just couldn't believe this was all happening after they were broken up for 1 1/2 years prior to me even moving into his house to rent a room. The reason for the first couple of meetings was really because she wouldn't let my husband see their son unless I sat down with all of them. I did it for my husband, but told him i'd never do it ever again. I think he was just confused and didn't know what to do. Unfortunately, I do somewhat hold all of it against him because I was newly divorced, just found out I was pregnant... and then I had to deal with her non stop on top of everything. My feelings and concerns just didn't seem like they mattered, and it felt like he was just afraid of her.
I'm the one who finally encouraged, or I guess forced a new custody agreement. The old agreement said both parents should be involved in any events that are focused primarily around the child. Therefore school activities, sport activities, etc. She had actually told me that telling their son we were having a baby or got married, was an event primarily focused on their child. I quickly ignored that and called a lawyer. I was over dealing with any of that. My husband now has 50/50 custody, they use talkingparents.com to communicate (no more texts/phone calls unless an emergency), and we no longer pay child support. I had a lot of things changed because she took advantage of my husband who didn't seem to know what was going on without a lawyer at their first custody hearing. He just agreed to everything. She used to ask him to come to her house and sit with their child before school in the morning, which I of course put a stop to as well. He's not a babysitter, he's a father. She was "disgusted" when my husband got a lawyer and was modifying custody. She told him that he could bring OUR son over to HER house to spend more time with their son. Who would ever think about doing that???
Thank you for reading my post and reassuring me that she is sort of crazy. My husband has made me feel like i'm the one acting crazy through some of this. His response is always to just get over it. I know he's just tired of it being an on going thing, but man I hate her. I really hate her, and I don't know how to even get rid of that hatred. Why do people act this way? I never acted like the child's mother, and I don't parent him. I just don't get it...
Good for you....you need a
Good for you....you need a highly specified agreement it sounds, not only for her but also your spineless husband. YOU should not meet with her, period, ever--for your own protection.