Um, I have always believed that we have instincts for a reason. It can be hard to sort out your reasons from your fears, and unfortunately only time will tell. However, it is so nice to hear about a DH who is reassuring and putting you first. That is huge.

As for your concerns about a relationship with his daughter, you can begin with basic civility, and decide over time how much you choose to open yourself. you cannot control anything she does...but you do have the right to be treated respectfully and not have anyone try to split you and your DH...but that is between you and DH, not you and her.

Just my opinion.

Keep trying to live in the now and not the future. It will save you a lot of anxiety.

Accept her in whatever way feels the best to you, right now. That might change as you and your husband get to know her better. We always fear the unknown and we tend to hate or distrust the things we fear.

I think the golden rule applies very well here. Treat her the way you'd like to be treated by her. Be as close or as distant as feels right to you.

You are all in the very early stages of this relationship. It will take time and contact to get to know each other and understand where you fit in each others lives. Let it happen organically.

As for the "what if" game, you have to stop that. It will make you crazy, truly drive you to madness.

For reasons that have nothing to do with skids, I played the what if game and it's not good. So I put a rubber band on my wrist and every time I thought what if, I'd snap the rubber band. There were days my wrist was red and sore but it worked and I stopped.

It's going to take time, you don't know this girl, there is nothing wrong with keeping her at arms length.

You may never feel that she is part of your nuclear family and that's okay. Civility and just accepting that she is your DH's bio daughter is fine.

Frankly, I don't really consider my SD25 as part of my nuclear family and I've been in her life since she was 5. I just don't have an emotional connection with her and her biology with my husband doesn't change that.

Just take it one step, one day at a time, and don't put too much pressure on yourself.

I can only imagine how you are feeling...I have BD18, SD16, SD12 and DH. I can tell you that I will never feel the same way about the SDs as I do my BD. I didn't carry them. I didn't adopt them and they have a mother. I didn't get them until they were 6 and 10. I tried, but after 6 years found that it is completely futile. So to be a woman who just lost her baby...and then out pops a BD18 from DH there is no way I can ever seeing someone being able to feel about the BD18 the same way you would feel about your own child...you weren't there for her childhood and she is a stranger to both of you. How stressful. I agree that it is right to be polite to her. You could grab coffee with her and tell her how wonky this has made you feel...I'm sure it's odd for her too. You may be surprised...you know better than anyone but take care of YOU.

Emily, It is good to hear you are being gentle with yourself while you are sorting all of this out - and that your DH seems to care so much. You are very wise to trust your intuitions and go forward with any relationship as it feels comfortable for you. Good luck (((BIG HUGS)))

Adults have to earn trust, earn a place of caring, and earn consideration from others. Your SD is an adult. It is a different situation than if she were a young child.

Your feelings and concerns are valid IMHO and it is perfectly reasonable for you to be cautious in how you go about incorporating this young woman into your life, marriage, and circle of caring.

Make her earn it.

Good luck.

I think if you just treat her with the same amount of respect that you expect from her, ut can be a cordial relationship. It doesn't sound like she is trying to be intrusive, maybe just looking for some type of friendship from you and your DH. As far as the texts go, I say answer them as you feel comfortable to do so. I have a 28yr old SD, I've been in her life since she was 5, my DH got full custody of his children and once that happened, she has been the child from the pits of hell. My SS, is a wonderful young man, always has been. Just play it by ear and do what feels right to you.

I think if you just treat her with the same amount of respect that you expect from her, ut can be a cordial relationship. It doesn't sound like she is trying to be intrusive, maybe just looking for some type of friendship from you and your DH. As far as the texts go, I say answer them as you feel comfortable to do so. I have a 28yr old SD, I've been in her life since she was 5, my DH got full custody of his children and once that happened, she has been the child from the pits of hell. My SS, is a wonderful young man, always has been. Just play it by ear and do what feels right to you.

Treat her like you would treat any stranger you just met, at a party....

There's no law saying - Oh she's my husbands kid I must love/like her immediately.

And Em... believe your husband, do not doubt him.... give it a go and if you see him turning into a marshmallow quickly get him back on track without him realizing it......
You and DH might gain a good young girl, but she's not his daughter, he did not raise her, and to you she might just become a way younger friend.

She is not your issue...Your fear is. Take some time and self reflect on where it is coming from. Start with you. Peace.

Emily I think the way you are wanting to proceed slowly is VERY wise. This 18 year old girl is a total stranger to you and your DH. Her mother certainly didn't rush into notifying your husband about this child.

In your case you choose to marry a man without children. There was a reason for that, and that reason just doesn't cease existing because some woman out there decides to throw a bombshell in your life. The fact that she decided to notify your husband now is a huge red flag to me.

I have DH, one SD and two bio daughters. Several years ago a similar thing happened to us. While out of town on business my DH contacted some old friends who lived in that state. It was a older couple he had rented a room from when he was approximately 21 years old. While he was visiting them they looked up some other acquaintances from that time and my husband spoke to them on the phone.

Not a month goes by and a letter comes to our house one day. The letter had a pink envelope , and a pink pen was used to address the letter to my husband. There was no name on the return address. The letter originated from the same state my husband had been visiting his old friends at. I normally give my husband personal mail addressed to him but I was really curious and opened the letter immediately. I thought it was some sort of a scam.

The letter turned out to be from a woman who identified herself as "someone my husband had gone out with a few times" back in the day . According to this woman she had had no way to contact my husband all of these years to let him know that they had conceived a child back then. Only after my husband had contacted his old friend on the phone, who in turn contacted her, did she know where to find him .

Well that was a bold face lie and that is, and was, very troubling to us both. If true, she had deprived a father from knowing his child, a son, and vice versa. Perhaps in her mind her story was true but there are some problems with that concept and it does matter.

1. That old friend he spoke to did not
mention to my husband that he had
a long lost son out there. Obviously guy wanted to contact
he wanted to talk to the mother first
and let her know he had spoken to my
husband.
(my husband has a very good
job, and was doing very well
financially. Hmmh perhaps a
factor here)

2. My husband has a very unique last name. If googled the only people with this name are in his family.
Once the Internet came on the scene she could have found him.

3. My husband told me he had been in touch intermittently with the mutual friend over the years.
Her claims that she didn't know where he was don't match up.

There is something very shady about keeping a child secret from their father until the mother feels "ready" to make the big reveal. It's unfair to everyone involved. In this case the kid was about 21-22 when we first met him. The path he was on wasn't a great one and I think the mother thought it was time maybe his "father" could do something about him. How messed up is that? I could go on forever about that part of the situation but I'll leave it at that for now.

Being the way we were back then, (naive) we decided to embrace the kid and actually flew him out to meet our family straight away. Keep in mind I had two young daughters at that time, I kind of cringe thinking about it now. We got along with him, but we moved way too fast, trying to make him feel accepted him into our family. It didn't take long for this boy to start feeling entitled to money from my husband. My husband did feel bad for him and wanted to help him out some, but it started getting to be out of hand.

My husband was abandoned by his own father so he was very sensitive to what the boy might be feeling, and wanted to have a positive experience for them both. If my husband had known this boy existed, he would've taken care of him as a child. That doesn't mean he wanted to start supporting a full grown adult man.

To bring you to the present time we no longer have anything to do with him. There's a lot to the story but basically
when he didn't get his way, he said some rotten things to my husband and said he didn't care if he ever saw him again. Things turned sour quick. Well he got his wish, we don't have any contact with him anymore. I rarely even think about him anymore, and your post reminded me of that whole deal.

The clincher is my husband never did take a DNA test. He went to see a lawyer when this news came out and the lawyer advised him not to take a paternity test. At least not for a few years. This was to keep my husband from being financially responsible for some sort of back support. This kid was already an adult and the lawyer had that warning.

The mother insisted there was no other man who could have been the father, only my husband.
My husband has a really good memory, but for some reason he doesn't even remember this girl! For him that's really strange because he has perfect recollection of mostly everything in his past, and he remembers names and faces. I DO find it odd my husband remembers nothing about this girl. Ironically about a year after the boy would have been conceived my husband had married his now ex wife, and his daughter was born a year to almost the day. My husbands other family members thought that the boy was indeed his son because of some simliar family traits. I'm honestly on the fence about it, as is my husband. At this point my husband has no desire to know.

I think if we had moved slower, while getting to know this boy, we would've had a better outcome. We treated him like instant family and we were way too accommodating, thinking we were doing the right things hung." We became way too aware of his struggles and problems too fast. My DH tried to help him without really knowing the content of his character him and what he was getting himself into.

There's so much more I could tell you but my advice for now is to do what you're doing. Take your time getting to know this young lady. She may be perfectly fine. Nobody comes without some sort of issues, but that doesn't mean she'll dump them on your family's lap right off the bat.

The idea that this girl has about her father at this point is just a fantasy. She really has no idea the kind of person he is and just because they share DNA does it mean that they will turn out to be close .

You have NOTHING to feel guilty about...everyone is different and has had different life experiences . In fact I think that your reaction shows that you're a healthy person with healthy boundaries. Nothing wrong with that at all.
My husband and I both dealt with a lot of abandonment as kids and tend to go OVERBOARD, trying to be accepting of other people . Maybe our motives were more to help ourselves feel better about what happened to us. Who knows ? Neither one of us wanted to treat anyone like me we were treated or maybe we just didn't want anyone to feel like we felt. ....BUT there has to be a balance. Blindly allowing someone to infiltrate your life isn't smart.
In my case I already was a mother and stepmother ....There is a different dynamic than what you have with your husband. I didn't feel threatened by him, maybe because he was a boy. If he had been female I might have felt a little different. I can kind of imagine it may feel a little like another woman is coming into your marriage. Of course it's a daughter but even still.....she's a total stranger and you didn't have time to get used to the idea.
People may tell you how to feel but they are not the ones living with this reality . People tend to romanticize these type of situations.
"Oh your husbands a daddy now, everything's going to change" OR "This is his little girl of course he's going to want to get to know her."
If you could ignore these comments it would probably be best. From everything that you've said I have no doubt that you will treat this girl fairly and kindly. Iniially everybody's all excited but that does die down after a while. When let's call him "M" came into our life my husband's extended family was excited to meet him. It was fun for them I think. There was a family reunion that he went to meet everyone. We weren't able to attend that year so it was kind of weird seeing pictures of him with my husbands family LOL

My daughters and I got along with him when he came out to see us several times. We had some acreage and horses at that time and it was fun sharing that with him. I will say that while he was with us he behaved decently, but the fact remains he was a grown up with no job and no desire to find one . He would've been totally fine if we invited us to come and live with us which we didn't. My husband did offer to help him get a job but that would've involved getting up early in the morning and traveling which wasn't his cup of tea.
His teeth were basically rotted out from drug use and he asked if my husband would help them get them fixed. My husband did not commit to footing the whole bill but told him that he might be able to help a little. There were many things about "M" that rubbed my husband the wrong way, basically his sense of entitlement toward life in general .
I'm actually not happy that things turned out the way that they did but I do except it's my husbands choice. It would have been nice if he could've stayed part of our life but there were just some issues that couldn't be ignored or tolerated. At least not one my kids were still young.

I wanted to also tell you that the bond between a parent and a child is not automatic when that child has not imprinted on the parent heart. Perfect example of this is my husband's first baby who died when she was a couple of weeks old. He still considers her his daughter, he still misses her, she impacted his life in a big way even though he was only 18 or 19 years old himself. He was there when she was born, and he spent days in the intensive care with her and he loved her.
When he met "M" he didn't have that instant parental bond with him. In fact the more he got to know him the more distant my DH felt about him. They had such different views on life. Although "M" did not grow up with a father, which is sad, he didnt grow up in poverty like my husband did. Things that my husband valued, like hard work to get ahead in life weren't apart of "M's" agenda at that time, so there was a pretty big divide right there.

Take your time. You may end up liking this girl a lot but you're not a bad person if you end up not really wanting much involvement in her life .

"He and I decided that our marriage is the most important factor in this, that we will endure and experience this together, regardless of what else may come, and make decisions that we both agree on (which is silver lining in all this)."

^This right here is key. Having a partner who understands and cares about how their SO is feeling is a HUGE blessing!! You are in this together.

In a lot of step situations, the SM's (or SDads) are told that the Skid isn't their kid and it's best for them to allow the real parent to parent the kid while they step back. In a lot of cases that is the only way a Step-parent can keep their sanity and it is appropriate. In your case, it was you and your husband first. You TWO are the team already.
So if your DH is sharing text messages and Skyping the girl without you I can understand that you might end up feeling left out. Then since you know that YOU actually don't WANT to text and skype anyway....well that's bound to cause some inner turmoil and confusion. Then you get your inner child judging you.....yikes it's a lot to process.
I admit when I first met my SD the very first time I had this insane jealousy come over me. She was 7, and I had no children of my own yet. It surprised me how uncomfortable I was. It seemed so irrational and it felt ugly and shameful. I realized eventually that there was a larger dynamic going on there than just that I was jealous of my 7 year old SD. It was the little girl in ME that still was hurt that her dad abandoned her. I was afraid to see how much my DH loved his DD. The hurt child in me viewed it as I wasn't good enough for my father to love me. It had nothing to do with my SD, and in reality I wouldn't have respected him if he didn't love his daughter. I wanted him to love her and she him. The one thing that helped tremendously is that my DH made it clear right from the start that he adored me. It was made clear to my SD, it was made clear to his "NFS," it was made clear to EVERYBODY he ever introduced me to. I'm so grateful for him.
I think your husband can have the same effect for you. He can make it a point to share the way he feels for you and your marriage. With her, with her family, with his family. A little of that can go a long way to ease your mind and rebuild your confidence.