YOUR ADVICE is APPRECIATED - Prepping for talk with SD about boundaries
Hi all,
So only a quick recap as I had previously posted my situation (& have gotten invaluable feedback!), less than a month ago my DH and I both found out he has a 18 year old daughter that we did not know about. Fast forward all the mixed an conflicting emotions, we have stopped fighting with each other and are now focusing our energy on resolving this situation by adjusting to his daughter while also continuing our lives as well. My DH is very easy going, kind, and the "go-with-the-flow" kind of guy, and prior to me saying something last week about boundaries needing to be set, he was basically going at her pace and talking to her everyday and responding immediately. So in other words, he WAS in the "no boundary" zone while I was in the "lets put up walls" zone. We've decided to meet in the middle and include her in our lives (to what extend, not yet determined) but to have boundaries where we have a separate life (for a lack of better words - if you have any suggestions, please share!) DH says he wants to set boundaries but doesn't know how. He says he does not want to be rude to her and wants to be available to her, but also wants to continue on with our lives. I, on the other hand, am on the extreme opposite, so we have begun to balance each other out now that we are both receptive...
Now that we are both on the same page - she will be a part of our lives but not fully integrated, we are both wanting to include her in this conversation so we're all on the same page. ANY ADVICE on words to use to convey this? My DH and I are working out semantics because he says the words I use are cold and excluding (well, I did mention u was on the other end of his spectrum). For instance I suggested (& my DH will be the main speaker- "we're happy to have met you and are available to you to answer questions and offer advice & support, but we also have a life that exists without you and we want you to respect our privacy."
DH says that he wants to tell her that we won't just meet her and never communicate with her again, but somewhere between all out and all in. He says that he realizes he cannot make up for the lost 18 years and she'll never be his little girl, and he doesn't want that or want to force a relationship that isn't there. He said he doesn't want to be her father figure but he doesn't know what he wants to be other than to start a relationship from this point on... So far DH came up with,
"We want you to be apart of our lives, but we want you to know we have our own lives to..."
Any advice on how to convey what we're trying to say? Also, you you have any specific suggestions on better semantics for: a) "we have LIVES SEPARATE from you;" and b) "respect our privacy;"
THANK YOU in ADVANCE!!!
She may want the same as
She may want the same as you....
I totally get what you are trying to do, which is head off boundary issues ahead of time. Life is too dynamic and fluid for that to always happen "just the way we want it to". Sometimes you just have to trust....a first meeting will be good, so let it happen.
The next communication gives you the next boundary opportunity. Not all the rules have to be decided up front as long as you and your husband are going in the same direction
So are you saying to not
So are you saying to not bring up the boundary conversation the next time we talk?
I only hear you say welcome
I only hear you say welcome her and invite her to things, and not explicitly talk about boundaries? How do we keep her "at an arm's length" like you suggest by only inviting to her to things?
Not jump to insta-text-back
Not jump to insta-text-back when she texts is one way. There is no law that I am aware of that says "If someone texts you, you must instantly stop what you are doing, put your life on hold and respond." You can take hours or days to respond to a non-emergency text.
Your DH may choose to interrupt his current life by doing that but that behavior is not keeping new daughter "at arm's length." His words may be with your position, but his actions are not. Remember that with every interaction you are teaching someone else how to treat you.
Just like training a horse or a dog or a new skid: "Make the right thing easy and the wrong thing difficult."
THank you for your reply. I
THank you for your reply. I like your insightful statement, "Remember that with every interaction you are teaching someone else how to treat you."
What do you mean by, "Make the right thing easy and the wrong thing difficult?"
Thank you - that's a good
Thank you - that's a good suggestion, instead of focusing on only us having "our own lives," we can phrase it to include her too... What else would you suggest and how do we make it clear we want to be apart of her life, but not fully enmeshed?
I think the most important
I think the most important thing is to NOT start off trying to tell her that "you have your own lives" etc...
To be honest.. I think that YOU not being her parent should not be too front and center in the discussions with her.. more just by your husband's side and let HIM lead and do the lion's share of the talking. That way, you don't get painted as an evil witch trying to block access to her newly discovered dad.
Here is how I would envision this coming from HIM.
Wow, NewDaughter, I was stunned to learn about this whole situation. I am sure that you were too. I would love the opportunity to learn more about you and be able to build some sort of relationship with you. To be honest, now that you are grown, I realize it isn't going to be a typical father/daughter relationship. New daughter, what do you envision our relationship becoming? What are your hopes and expectations? I fully realize that you have a life of your own and have grown up with your own family and support network and I am not looking to take anyone's place or step in where I am not needed or wanted. How do you want to move forward with things?
I would then listen to what the girl has to say. She might just say, she would like to get to know her father and know where he comes from. She might say she wants more.
I honestly think that this can just be handled organically. I mean, he doesn't have to spell it out to her that he isn't going to bring her into his home as his full fledged daughter right? If he doesn't invite her to a family vacation, dinner or whatever, how is she going to know she was excluded. He can meet her when he has time and they can get to know each other. It can happen with him alone... and maybe occasionally with you as a family but there is no reason to be all mean about it and tell her that "you have your own lives and she isn't going to be welcome". It doesn't have to be spelled out (at least not initially).
You brought up some good
You brought up some good points - which is why I posted in this forum in the first place, for constructive feedback not name calling or nasty comments if you don't agree. So for all this THANK YOU. All I want is for this to work out for all three of us. I am hurting yes, I have feelings, yes, but I am dealing with this and I'm trying to be here for my husband who is asking me for help and to do this with him by his side. I am not giving up, giving him an ultimatum, or leaving him. Rather, I'm trying to manage my feelings while also providing my husband with support as well as constructive feedback to best help us navigate our way.
When you say, "I honestly think that this can just be handled organically," what do you mean by that? Do you suggest we don't bring up the topic with her? Isn't it better to be clear from the beginning?
Yes this! I think you are
Yes this! I think you are trying to control everything. This is a unique situation, don't try and put all kinds of stips on it. It almost sounds like you are totally threatened by the daughter and you don't want things to change or life as you know it to change. that is slightly selfish on your part. I know if I was your husband, I would just want you to support me as I get to know my new daughter.
I wondered if I'm trying to
I wondered if I'm trying to control parts of the situation because I feel completely out of control of a reality that I initially helped to create. I definitely was resistant to change but at the same time know that change will occur. I'm now at the point where I'm trying to adjust to this new reality, balance the opposites of attempting to control the situation and completely staying out of it, and respect my feelings while also supporting my husband. It is difficult because emotions are involved, but I am determined to overcome them and be a supportive wife that my husband deserves while also practicing self-care by considering my feelings as well as consider the feelings of the daughter...
good for you. Just sit back
good for you. Just sit back and go with the flow. I know you are afraid of that, but its not like the girl is going to move in and take over. No need to feel threatened. I know its frightening and weird but this could be a blessing in disguise. Be open to that.
THank you for your
THank you for your reassuranace that everything will be okay and to be open... the rational part of me is saying this, and I want to be more openminded... but the threatened part of me is too loud at the moment. Any advice on how I can work on overcoming these feelings of threat? (I'm working on this on my own but I'm open to all feedback at this point. LoL). I want to sit back and go with the flow, but when I do, I immediately panic again.
Thank you! I like parts of
Thank you! I like parts of your dialogue. She is starting college soon so she'll be busy too. My DH is more of a "go with the flow" kind of guy and appears uncomfortable with scheduling time to interact with her, but seems to agree that a schedule works so this does not encompass our life completely... Any other words?
you don't need a schedule per
you don't need a schedule per se. Just play it by ear and if the girl IS going to college, she is likely not going to be all that available. I say he sets up a lunch date, sees how it goes then sets up a future date after that date.. not some weird every tuesday deal.
Thank you for your
Thank you for your suggestions.
I think it is kind of
I think it is kind of off-putting to come right out and define boundaries upon the first meeting, telling someone "we have our own lives, separate from you". She knows that. You have no idea what her expectations are, she may not want to be a big part of your lives.
I would see how the first meeting goes and proceed from there. Or I would ask her what her expectations are going forward, then bring up your boundaries, if necessary. She may have no plans to intrude on your life or your privacy, you two are strangers to her.
It's a difficult, unnerving situation but try to relax!
I agree too. Discuss
I agree too. Discuss boundaries with DH but wait and see what her expectations are. Then you will be prepared to address these expectations.
Well, since we met her she
Well, since we met her she has been texting everyday and has been asking to skype everyday before I told DH that we're going too fast and need to slow down by not responding immediately. She called him dad the day after she met him.
Well then, the boundary issue
Well then, the boundary issue may have to be discussed sooner than I thought!
That seems so strange to me. I mean, I get that she is just finding out that he is her dad but he is still a stranger to her, and he has a wife. She is old enough to know that some courtesy is needed. I would proceed with caution.
Thank you for your
Thank you for your recommendation of proceeding with caution. I may not have been clear in my original post and may have left a lot of details out, which may be the reason why I got a lot of nasty feedback (or not, as everyone is entitled to their own opinion)... but there's a lot of things that have happened this past few weeks, like her calling him dad the day after she met him, and texting everyday and asking to skype before we began to slow down our responses that suggest boundaries are needed because this is going too fast too soon... I am aware that this may be my issue (of going too fast too soon) but we just found out 2 weeks ago.
kids are used to texting
kids are used to texting daily. I don't think that's a huge problem.
I think some of this may be
I think some of this may be generational. Kids live on thier phones these days, a huge amount of thier social interactions are on thier phones. They will always choose to text rather than call and 20 texts over an evening can seem more intrusive than a 30min phone call to those of us that prefer talking on the phone. For her she is just being a normal 18 year old. Obviously with the addition that she has just had contact with her dad for the first time so is very excited about it all.
Have either you or your husband talked any of this through with a therapist? These are huge changes in your lives to deal with, some professional guidance may help.
My other general advice is to give it time and to keep talking honestly and openly with your husband. Having your husbands attention drawn away from you and towards someone else can bring up a lot of normal emotions of irritation, jealousy and frustration. Although outsiders might see these emotions as selfish and you may even feel that they are irrational as you want to support him, they are very normal emotions to feel and need to he handled carefully.
Personally with the boundaries I would set them with your husband in your home and not invole the daughter in the discussion. I do not think it would go well at this stage and would risk alienating her and causing drama. So I would talk with your husband and work out what truly bothers you and come up with practical solutions together.
Her texting sounds like an issue. So you could ask that except for emergencies he only replys when he is away from you( in another room or at work etc), or does not reply after a certain time at night, or if he gets drawn into a text conversation with her he replys to her that he is busy right now but really does want to talk, can he call at x time to discuss it. Work out something that you are both comfortable with.
Does your husband have an issue with being called Dad? If he does not then I think it is something you are just going to have to get used to. It sounds strange and presumptive right now but overtime you will get used to it. If he does have an issue then he needs to talk to his daughter about it and see if they can either use his first name or nickname or something and he can explain that he does not feel ready to be called dad as he has not had the chance to act like a dad for her yet.
As for the Skype call oft our husband wants to do it then he should arrange it for a time when you are doing something else and he should have it away from you. If he calls her from your home, you should also check with him if it is ok if he gives her a virtual tour of your home or if their are areas you do not want her to see. If he is not keen on ask toe chat then (assuming you guys live close enough) he can say that he really wants to chat but that he prefers to do so in person and then suggests a time to meet up with her.
As for physical meetings you need to work out if you are comfortable accompanying him or if he would rather some alone time with her or how you want to play that.
So my advice is to work out where each irritation stems from and see what practical measures you and your husband can take to minimize them. Also talk talk talk and be easy on all of yourselves, you are in an unusual situation and things are going to be awkward and strange and emotions are going to be all over the place, just take things step by step.
Thank for validating and
Thank for validating and normalizing my emotions. I like your suggestion of working this out with DH and not involving daughter in the process right now...
"we're happy to have met you
"we're happy to have met you and are available to you to answer questions and offer advice & support, but we also have a life that exists without you and we want you to respect our privacy."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Good grief. You make it sound like the kid did something wrong by existing and is bothering you like some random stranger on the corner. She is his child. She will really dislike you both if he pops out with something stupid like this. But I kind of feel that is what you may be trying for.
I also think YOU and or your DH are wrong to bring this up right off the bat. Your DH obviously does not want to say these things to the girl but is too much of a wuss to keep fighting with you about it.
He should have told YOU that HE will adhere to YOUR boundaries, but he would like to get to know his DD without the restrictions you are trying to put on it. What a sad little mad to have caved since your last post.
How is it wrong to bring up
How is it wrong to bring up the subject of boundaries right off the bat? Our goal is to include her and get to know her, but also make it clear that we're not wanting to have her fully integrate into our lives. Shouldn't this be said NOW rather than later in case she builds false expectations?
I'm not here to argue with
I'm not here to argue with you or anyone else. I'm here to ask for advice. If this is your feedback, I accept it and thank you for your time. My DH and I have had numerous conversations where we discussed our separate wants and expectations and we both mutually decided that we want a medium between no involvement and complete involvement. Just because you may not agree does not mean that we are wrong.
Thank you for your empathy
Thank you for your empathy OutlawSteps4evah.
I agree - Calling OP selfish
I agree - Calling OP selfish and her DH stupid is offensive.
self·ish ˈselfiSH/ adjective
self·ish
ˈselfiSH/
adjective
adjective: selfish
(of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.
Let me state right up front, I think the OP's situation is horrible. She thought she was doing "everything" she could to avoid marrying a guy with kids so that she wouldn't have to deal with this crap and look what happened? And her DH? the poor schmuck he didn't even realize this had happened. I mean, a guy has no way of knowing that an Ex had a kid of his if they actively put on a charade otherwise and it's believable to world. He is just fumbling around trying to do the right thing. AND this poor newly found girl? Everything she knew about her father turned out to be a big fat lie. Three lives turned upside down by one crazy GUBM!
HOWEVER, OP is being selfish according to the definition of the word. She wants her status quo to continue the way she thought it was going to despite something has happened to completely change the playing field. It's like she got all kitted out to play soccer and suddenly they put her on a baseball diamond! And she stands there on the pitching mound determined to dribble that soccer ball for the goal. She wants what SHE wants and she doesn't really care what her DH or his daughter want. She doesn't want to allow this girl to be part of her husband's life despite the fact that he IS the girl's father and that the girl may want to have a relationship with him.
Things HAVE changed drastically and while I think it's 100% appropriate if SHE wants to put up boundaries regarding her contact with the new daughter, I don't think it's fair for her to dictate what kind of relationship her DH can have with his kid. At this point, with the girl going off to college, it seems unlikely that she is looking to move into the OP's home. I think that the OP should not put any limits on how her DH and the girl's relationship develops. If DH and the girl want to text daily and skype, that is up to them. If he wants to meet the girl for meals, that's fine. I think that if he wants to include the girl in family holidays etc.. that the OP will have to make a decision whether she can move forward in a relationship with this girl in their lives.
Unfortunately the facts have changed and this girl exists and there is no amount of "boundary setting" that is going to make her poof disappear of make her DH less interested in developing a bond with his daughter. The decision that the OP and DH need to make is going forward will his closeness with his daughter cause his other relationship to suffer/end.
I might say that I actively looked for someone active and healthy to marry and raise a family with. Then the DH gets cancer. So, do I stay and deal or do I bail?
It's a tough decision and eve though I do think the OP is technically selfish, I can 100% understand her fears/frustrations with this situation that she didn't plan for.
We'll have to agree to
We'll have to agree to disagree. In my opinion, the OP does not fit your definition.
IN RESPONSE TO SELFISH
IN RESPONSE TO SELFISH NAMECALLING:
So, I've been quiet about the backlash because I did not want to provoke further negative responses as I originally thought its a waste of time and that it would defeat the whole purpose of my original post. I'm posting in this forum for support, advice and CONSTRUCTIVE feedback, not for immediate judgment from posters who selectively focus on parts of a post, name call, and cannot provide constructive advice or suggestions. Happily, I can say that my DH and I have worked diligently to adjust to our situation and have come up with a mutual plan that involves us continuing to honor and love each other and manifest our set dreams while also including and involving newly found daughter (NFD) that is considerate of her comfort level as well, and I decided to respond not only to STAND UP for myself and my beliefs, but also to encourage others that they too have their own voice and need to remember that while they should consider what others have to say, they need to make up their own mind because they are the only ones who knows their situation and its context, as well as themselves the best. So without further ado...
Excuse me, ESMOD, as the person who is feeling the feelings and going through the experience, I personally want to tell you that you are wrong in your assumptions. Keep in mind that my post is only a brief snapshot of an ever evolving and dynamic landscape, and I did not think I needed to edit or fluff my words in my original post in fear of being judged here. Anyway, ESMOD, I am not selfish, by the definition that YOU provided because I have been considerate of my DH the entire time, and once I got over my shock of NFD, I had accepted and been considerate of NFD as well. Part of my struggle in all this was considering all our feelings and attempting to come up with a resolution that is fair and considerate of all 3 of us.
I was struggling with the ambiguity of how adding an adult NFD may change my DH and my original 2-person dynamic as we don't have children of our own yet so we never had to think about or practice the family structure/hierarchy. The conflict and struggles I posted here have been on how to adjust to and address issues involving adding a child to our 2-person dynamic - whether the child be a 18 NFD or newborn, things will change and my struggle simply was dealing with and adjusting to this change.
Finally I have NEVER said I do not want NFD to be a part of my DH's life. Of course I would never have wanted this to happen. But now that this has, I'm now adjusting our sahred original life plans because I LOVE my DH, which includes loving his past because it has influenced the amazing man I am in love with today. I am CHOOSING to stand by his side and am not leaving him to figure this all out on his own. If this situation happened to me, I would want feedback from my significant other. I choose my DH because he is an intelligent and independent man (amongst other admirable traits), and I trust that he will balance hearing my thoughts and feelings with his own, and decide on actions that is most considerate of all involved while also morally good. How do I trust that he can and will do this? because he has shown me that he is able to in the past and throughout our entire 6 1/2 years we've been together...
"The couples that are meant to be are the ones that go through everything that is meant to tear them apart and come out even stronger."
Regardless of how others may interpret my situation or my use of this quote, reality is, this is just a forum I have been using to help me process my situation (and it has mainly been helpful despite some hiccups involving premature and immediate judgment from select few posters), and has helped to increase my energy to walk toward my goal of overcoming my initial primitive emotions and gain insight and perspective. My intents and actual actions to better myself (which will further allow me to best support my DH and welcome NFD) thus far has included therapy, seeking advice and searching for resolution, not giving up, and even finding a supportive forum to gain perspective and insight. These actions and intentions show that I'm trying to be considerate of my DH and NFD; and the fact that DH and I have found a mutual resolution that we're both currently happy with that INVOLVES NFD is proof that my efforts have not been in vain.
You said that its, "100% appropriate if SHE wants to put up boundaries regarding her contact with the new daughter, I don't think it's fair for her to dictate what kind of relationship her DH can have with his kid." Throughout the entire process DH and I have discussed our situation and we have always, from the beginning of our relationship, been able to share our personal thoughts and feelings, despite it being in conflict with the other, and eventually find a mutual decision that DH and I are both happy with. DH or I have never dictated the other - in this situation or in any part of our relationship - and our respect and consideration for each other is probably one of the many reasons why we choose to be with each other and decided to marry each other.
Finally, I think you, ESMOD, for attempting to empathize with me by saying, "It's a tough decision and eve though I do think the OP is technically selfish, I can 100% understand her fears/frustrations with this situation that she didn't plan for." I want to correct you in saying that you CANNOT truly 100% understand my fears/fustrations in this situation if you cannot first see what my situation includes.
As I said in the beginning, perhaps this conflict in perspective between you and the other posters who are immediately judging me and calling me selfish and myself is that you posters are reading only a bit of my entire picture, and then further selecting what bit of my post to focus on. It's called "projection." But its okay. I don't judge you or them.
I will not be responding to any further close-minded comments about my situation or any negative responses. Lets just agree to disagree without namecalling because it does not serve any purpose other than to waste time and energy. I'm open to responses that differ from mine because it provides different perspectives, and am more open to constructive feedback, but I refuse to participate in simple namecalling and judgmental responses that offer no constructive suggestions, advice, or feedback. Thank you.
»
Thank you sandye21.
Thank you sandye21.
THANK YOU anotherstep2!! I'm
THANK YOU anotherstep2!! I'm not here to argue or fight with anyone, and I have always been respectful to other people, even if they may have different opinions that I. There have been hurtful comments and name calling, but I'm taking it as them projecting their opinions on me. I have the right to my own opinions and am not here to defend them. I'm here on this forum to get perspective on the situation. People have called me selfish for speaking my mind instead of staying out of this, but unlike many of these people who I'm sure started a relationship with their significant other knowing that stepchildren are involved, my DH and I did not... My DH and I both agree that our marriage is half of me too, and because this situation affects our marriage, is completely unusual and we have no experience with this, I'm not leaving my DH to deal with this all alone.
My DH and I are lucky to have
I'm definitely not bailing out and am trying to find a way to make this all work for 3 of us. Honestly it did hurt when other posters immediately blasted me for being selfish because I'm trying, and I have found this forum to be a release for me to be honest and get honest but tactful feedback... So THANK YOU AGAIN for being one of the few that make this forum worth it.
Thank you for your good
Thank you for your good wishes.
I would not bring up any
I would not bring up any conversation, until it is needed. Take it as it comes.
You don't have to entertain, socialize, or communicate with your SD18, unless you want to do so. Treat it like a friend you are meeting for the first time. You don't tell your neighbor to "not come over" for coffee every morning, unless your neighbor begins to do so and become a nuisance.
Your SD18 is probably more nervous than you and your DH. Just take it slow and see how it goes. Be civil and polite; don't start out like ice water; with that said, you don't have to be hot water either.
If you and your DH are on the same page, it should move forward without any drama. Don't create drama. If your SD18 begins drama, then put a lid on it at the time. Don't fix something that is not broke.
Always discuss any concerns with your DH that should arise. If your DH fails to take the step to correct a problem with SD18, then tell DH, "I will take care of it", then do so and let it go.
General conversation will usually set the scene for both parties on life style; you shouldn't have to express what you expect of your SD18, unless she is over stepping your boundaries.
Good Luck.
THANK YOU - I can always
THANK YOU - I can always count on this forum to hear my thoughts and provide me with validation and/or constructive feedback when the writer has suggestions on how I can better navigate the situation. I was thinking of writing another post, and maybe will later, of directly asking for feedback on what my DH and I decided, since I was getting A LOT of backlash here. I'm wondering if we're going in the wrong direction and am being driven by emotions instead of rational clarity... Your response was gentle yet clear. THANK YOU again.
THANK YOU HeavenLike for
THANK YOU HeavenLike for being able to gently disagree with me and offering advice, instead of outrightly calling me "selfish." I appreciate your feedback of how this process will get better if I just accept the reality of this situation and accept her... I want to do the right thing for all 3 of us - (which includes myself unlike other posters have indicated with their comments of how I should just stay out of this). Our situation is unique in that we came into the situation with certain expectations that we are now told was not true and we're all adjusting to this new reality... I have been going to a therapist since all this and plan on continuing.
LoL! Thank you for your
LoL! Thank you for your empathy as well as honest truth of the relationship dynamics. I, along with everyone else, can act bitchy sometimes, but I'm definitely not a bitch. And I'm trying to find a way where this will be okay with all 3 of us.
there is a line between
there is a line between obligation and being a doormat with no boundaries.
i respect dh for keeping in touch with his skids after his ex took the skids half way across the country when she cheated on him and married her lover ( who was married at the time)
i do not however like sd turning her father in her bff. yes she calls him that and constantly calls and texts him every day.
guilt is the reason a man does this. keep this in mind.
Can I ask as to why the
Can I ask as to why the initial meeting as been pushed back ? I understand there was a DNA test, but even now. The meeting is a month or more away. Is there a reason?
Maybe try and focus less on
Maybe try and focus less on her behavior and more on your DH's behavior. It will ultimately be up to him to decide about the extent of the interaction....but you will definitely have to decide where the limits of what you can tolerate are. The only one you can control is yourself, but you absolutely get a voice in where your marital boundaries lie. She calls/texts everyday? Be clear with DH what bothers you about that, and how you would prefer that he handle it. Then...it is up to him what he does. Then...it is up to you how you deal with that.
Your feedback resonates with
Your feedback resonates with me - it is sensible, realistic, and feasible. Thank you.
LOL it is far easier said
LOL it is far easier said than done. I struggle with this daily. We had 10 years where SKs caused no drama and I was close (or so I thought) to SD. Then she decided she wanted her daddy/mini-hubby back. A new reality...and I got to see a completely different side of my DH. Wherever his kids are concerned, he carries a completely different set of morals, values, and standards...and I'm pretty sure I would never have dated that person, much less married him. Good friends, a good therapist, and lots of repeating "this is on him." Very good luck. It will be an evolving reality and probably take a while to really settle down. My father always said that the key to survival is the ability to adapt to change. I repeat that a lot too. *hugs*
Wow. You seem very
Wow. You seem very understanding and patient, as well as grounded regarding your situation. I agree with your father than flexibility and being adaptable are survival traits. *hugs*
Look on the bright side, You
Look on the bright side, You were lucky enough to bypass all the horrible, dreadful, unpleasant, annoying obnoxious and life draining antics of step kids and their BM so be thankful for that! LOL In reality you skipped all the bad sh*t, now you have an opportunity to create something meaningful and beautiful. Just be open and not closed off, until you have a real reason to have your guard up. So far so good.
LoL! Your positivity is
LoL! Your positivity is enjoyable. Thank you!
LoL! Your positivity is
LoL! Your positivity is enjoyable. Thank you!
Thank you. Good news is that
Thank you. Good news is that DH and I have decided to proceed with having a conversation with newly found daughter (NFD) with the focus on establishing a relationship on a level that is comfortable for all 3 of us rather than focusing on "boundary making." (As I said in my original post, I have an idea of what a healthy relationship is, but I currently lack the tack and words to convey my ideas in a gentle way... Basically I think for DH and I with our situation, the most healthiest at this point will be to find a medium between an enmeshed and disengaged relationship). I shared these posts with DH and he appreciates how much this forum has helped me process the information but reminded me that our lives are our lives to create and nuture and we know what we want - which is to continue to love each other first and formost and to perpetuate our marriage, and now, to also welcome his NFD into our lives.
Thank you all for your responses and for facilitating perspective and insight.