Secrecy about spending on step kids
DH and I have four kids, two are mine and two are his. My youngest is in college whereas his two kids are younger, one is still at home and the other started college. We have always split household finances 50/50 including vacations even though my son had already left home when I met DH. We share a joint account for the household, for expenses and vacations. Other than that we each keep our own money to spend on ourselves and our two children. I insisted on this from the start because DH can never say no to his kids, they are both materialistic and always demand high end stuff, only the best will do for them. I raised my two alone as I was widowed so am more frugal. Frankly my own kids are more grounded because of that. DH has always nagged and lectured me on anything I spend on mine, even though it is my money. The last straw was listening to him go on and on for two years about my daughter not working enough hours while in college. Now it seems that he is not expecting his daughter to work at all while in college and actively encouraging her NOT to work :jawdrop: When I sat down with him to ask him not to interfere with how I spend my money, and indeed not even comment, he told me that he likes our current "secrecy" over our spending on our kids. But he knows about everything I spend because he always asks/demands and then gives me his usual snarky comment. He wants to keep his spending on his kids a secret from me because its "none of my business". So now I wont be telling him about any money I spend. I suppose I asked for this........but it feels weird to have these secrets in a marriage. Also, DH does not ever ask me if I am ok financially, I have had to take time off work without pay to look after my Dad who recently died. Also I don't or never did get CS as I was widowed, a tiny pension but nothing like CS. I am still expected to pay my half of the bills, I feel like he is mean and tight with me but ever so generous with the skids. Its starting to feel like a raw deal for me as his wife. I would value any thoughts on this topic. Perhaps I am way off here?
Agreed. Sounds like you're
Agreed. Sounds like you're dealing with a stingy control freak. It is sad when husbands will spend and spend on kids but are stingy with their wives. Breaks my heart.
It sucks. I needed cash for a
It sucks. I needed cash for a cover to go somewhere with DH, I was going to meet him there and had no cash on me. He gives me a $5 but I said, what if it's a $10 cover? After much moaning, eye rolling and huffing I got a $10 bill. This is shortly after DH gave ss31 hundreds to move across the country, which ss didn't do, he decided to stay with mommy. Also DH still pays BM a hefty chunk of alimony each month, yet me asking for $10 is an eye rolling issue.
The straws on the camels back are starting to add up...
Agreed, we don't have
Agreed, we don't have separate bank accounts but now I wish we did, of course it would probably cause other friction being that I make more and the skids are hers. But hindsight is 20/20 and foresight is often skewed as well. It is the present that matters and yes I also agree he's a jerk ( I have other words but decline in using them to resemble a gentleman).
If he has one kid EOWE and
If he has one kid EOWE and one in college, it should be basically 50/50. If he has one kid EOW it is more like 60/40.
Ahh ye olde "What's mine is
Ahh ye olde "What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine"
Ours is separate to, we have
Ours is separate to, we have a joint acct for living expenses that we both put money into. But I pay the majority, because it's my house and I won't put his name on the deed. And I also pay more for groceries, because his kids will only eat the good stuff and he buys frozen dinners for them (and real cooking is so much more expensive). I just found out DH is spending $700 a month for SS to do online college, he couldn't make friends in college so he's doing online now. Glad that's not coming out of joint money. But I get the "how much was that?" When I buy for my kids, and he tells me nothing.
Now Voyager, your dh should
Now Voyager, your dh should not be unkind to you in any circumstances. Since his conscience isn't telling him that, you need to teach it to him.
Next time he makes a remark, you stop whatever you're doing and quietly walk away. Better yet if you can actually leave the house. Don't explain it to him, don't argue. Just remove yourself with a silk glove and go be happy elsewhere. Pamper yourself if you can.
If you are trapped in the car with him whip out your phone and catch up on the news or whatever. No smartphone? Start bringing a book wherever you go.
Do not allow yourself to be sniped at. EVER. It's not up for discussion.
SS benefits for survivors
SS benefits for survivors only kicks in if the surviving spouse is earning very little, in my case I have always had a good job (not rich for sure) but enough to be over the limit to allow us to get survivor benefits from SS. You get nothing if you earn anyway near a decent amount. Social Security doesn't want to pay for anything ever. I went back to college after my husband died and have always worked hard and went for promotions so that I could raise my two kids decently.
I had one kid at home full time and he had two 40% of the time with us. I never complained about the 50/50 split because I felt that my daughter was with us full time so it was fair. Now that we only have one kid at home (his kid) and its 40% of the year, I don't feel like paying the 50/50 split anymore. We have gone on family vacations for 6 years and although five of us, I paid half. Its hurtful that DH did not offer to help out when things were tough for me this year, my credit card is maxed out on flights to look after my Dad, plus not having a wage during those times either. So many double standards, he IS being a jerk nagging me over what I spend and now insisting that he likes the secrecy (his word, not mine). He says he doesn't like the rows which means he doesn't like the shocked look on my face when he spends, spends on them. I keep my mouth shut though so there are no "rows".
This is putting a huge taint on how and what I feel for him, his lack of financial consideration for me is very upsetting. Plus it is very clear that he sees my kids as "less than" his own. I wont be making any major changes at the moment (like divorcing) because I am grieving for the loss of my Dad. But our future together is definitely a huge question mark!!
Wow I was definitely told we
Wow I was definitely told we would get nothing :jawdrop: I remember being really upset about it and feeling destitute. I was grieving badly at the time and didn't have the energy then to argue and fight with them.
I will go online and look, it was 15 years ago and the internet was only really starting up. For sure I will do some more research. Wonder will they give it now the kids are over 18, back dated monies maybe. The only thing is that my late husband worked out of the country for a number of years. I tried getting benefits from the other country where he lived/worked and was told No there too.
I'm stunt.... my advice, for
I'm stunt.... my advice, for the future..
YOu have no children at home anymore, DH still has one split the house hold expenses 33/66... that' fair.
If your kids visits then just pay a bit of extra into the account for the time they are there... Simply just start doing it, if DH has a problem with it laugh and say... oh you want to be a kept man then... find another purse Honey..
I'm not paying for any one but me.
Vacations - easy you only cover yours, adult working children has to pay for themselves, sorry but that's life,
yes you can contribute a bit to your kids but that's that.
DH wants a full break down of your financials, once again laugh and say - I'll show you mine when you show me yours..
if he does not want to show his, you do not have to show yours..
If DH has a problem with all of it, smile and say - Hon why do I have to tell everything but you are hiding facts?
Woman are strong, we sometimes forget, but lady - start taking control again, stand up for your rights, no man is worth being treated like this..... and if DH threatens with leaving you, look him in the eye and say - why are you waiting go and pack. I got up, packed and left, moved to my own house, SO never realized my renters left...
He was in shock for months, I do not care... you love me for me, not for my money and not to abuse me...emotional or physical
Update to secrecy with
Update to secrecy with spending on the kids. Well I did put my big girl panties on (!) and told DH that from here on I will be paying one third of the household expenses. I made the change quickly from my bank account. Also told him that secrecy is not on and said that if that is how he wants to live, then he can live like that but without me. I meant it too. I think in the past I would say something but he knew I didn't mean it. This time I absolutely meant it.........and he knew it. I explained that I didn't sign on (marry) for this type of life and crap. He didn't like the idea of me paying a third but he didn't say anything. What could he say? His kid is the only one at home now.
You go Girl - this is the
You go Girl - this is the first step of taking control over your life, it's up to your husband if he wants to be part of that life or not..... and do not fold on this, keep your word..