That sounds familiar.

I think that on state occasions such as graduations and weddings, people should be invited and expected to attend as a couple. These are major social milestones, and society takes special pains to mark them. Husband and wife should expect a joint invitation and should expect to mark the occasion as the social unit they are. Doing otherwise is a snub, regardless of how little you like these people or how they may rejoice at your absence. (Not to say that snubs are never appropriate, just that they should be seen for what they are.) More flexibility attends lesser social events such as birthdays unless, again, the birthday marks a major milestone such as 75 years or whatever.

This event sounds like a fairly big deal, and if so the family has no business to exclude you. Unless I absolutely broke out in hives around these people, I would insist on attending with DH. Otherwise, make an appointment with your pedicurist any let the fam wallow in each other's company.

And yes, you may be setting a precedent. Can you live with that?

It's... strange that you're not invited. Since it doesn't seem like you guys have such a terrible relationship with the exILs?

Did DH automatically assume you don't want to go or is assuming you definitely will go? Sometimes they could be a bit thick like that.

Three days before DH went to take his finals on campus in another state for his online master's program, which I knew about, he asked what I wanted to do when we got there. I had no idea I was going with him because he just said, "I'm going to take the final on xx days at Penn State. Should I go the night before or the day of?" and I was like, "Okay, have fun. Night before so you can study a bit before the exam in the morning."

So when he said that, I said he never even asked me and I didn't know I was going with him or that he expected me to. We're not mindreaders here!

I mean if you are working with BM's brother and are on good terms with him, I'd just be like, "Oh btw tell your dad I said happy birthday. He's lucky to have so much family and be able to see his great grandkids grow up." See what he says in response. It might be shock that, "Wait, aren't you going with DH?" and then you can be like, "No... he just said he was going so I assumed it was a family only function."

You might realize your DH might have just forgotten or something and it wasn't intentionally exclusionary on BM's family's part.

It is rude on all levels. There is no way that my dh would go somewhere like that where I was excluded. Now a 'boys day out' or something golfing sure I don't have to tag along. Yet an event like you described where you are excluded no way! There is no reason you as your spouse should not be included. Did the inlaws make it clear you were not invited? I think it is exceptionally odd they would invite him and not expect his wife to come and that he would accept the invitation.

If it smells like a duck, it is a duck! You have been married for 4 years, and it is quite exclusionary for the ils not to respect your dh enough to include his dw. It would have been appropriate for him to say to the ils that "since this is a family event is my wife included." Whether they like it or not, you are dh primary family member. I consider it quite rude as to how the invitation was handled. Nevertheless, I would suggest that you just come out and ask your dh if you were invited as you would love to meet the nieces and nephews that he so fond off. That puts the ball in your dh court to make a decision on whether to make an effort for inls to include you, for him to forgo the invite if they do not invite you, or to decide that he does not want you attend this event. His answer will let you know where you stand. Make sure that there is no hostility or anger in your demeanor when you do state that you would like to attend.

Nothing is written in stone, and it may be that it was a misunderstanding on the inls and dh part and that he would love for you to attend. In that case, if you do not really want to go, you can always bow out. But at least you will know where you stand. I think that knowing where you stand is the important issue for you. The question being is that "does your dh value his dw enough to correct the situation?"

Stepaside I agree, the issue I see is that still learning is on the fence post of what to do. She does not want to impose herself on her dh or seem like she is trying to isolate him from others. However, her feelings are extremely valid regarding the exclusion.

Still Learning your feelings count and matter as much as your dh, or his ils. By posing the question of whether you are invited, or not, you are validating how you feel. Validation is important for any relationship. You are not whipping him, tieing him up, beating him, you are simply going to ask him a very simple question. Do not invalidate how you feel as it will inevitably impact your self esteem and relationship. Is not asking a simple question worth it?

I also think it is important to find out if you were invited or not. If not, DH should not go. He needs to send a message that you are a couple now and excluding his wife is not OK.

I would feel hurt too if this happened, and it HAS happened to me in the past. DH has gone on outing where I am excluded by his DD's and it is mean and hurtful IMO. Not that I want to go now, but I used to want to be part of the family.

These types of situations erode a healthy marriage - little by little. The more often it happens the more resentment and hurt builds up.

Talk to your DH and find out for sure how the invitation was worded.

I also think it is important to find out if you were invited or not. If not, DH should not go. He needs to send a message that you are a couple now and excluding his wife is not OK.

I would feel hurt too if this happened, and it HAS happened to me in the past. DH has gone on outing where I am excluded by his DD's and it is mean and hurtful IMO. Not that I want to go now, but I used to want to be part of the family.

These types of situations erode a healthy marriage - little by little. The more often it happens the more resentment and hurt builds up.

Talk to your DH and find out for sure how the invitation was worded.

That is my fear that I'm setting a precedent and I don't know if I can live with it.

This is a valid concern and when he comes back and you guys talk about how the party went and blah, blah, blah, I would segue into a conversation about how this is NOT going to be a reoccurring thing.

I would probably also want to know how the invitation went down. Did they even mention him bringing his wife and he just assumed you wouldn't want to go or did it not even cross their minds to invite the other half of a couple?

Wasn't it also your DH who made plans with to meet up with his aunt and other family members at a bar, even though you guys had plans? Or was that someone else?

He sprung this on you at the last minute, he did not wear his wedding band, he did not question or talk to you about "why" you were not invited. Clearly, he was okay going without you.

Sounds like you are ready to have a conversation that is badly needed. Do not sacrifice your happiness for his. You have only one life to live.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. It was totally unfair for your DH to go - especially leaving his wedding ring behind. Glad you are going to have a talk with him when he gets home. He needs to know that what he did was NOT OK. He should have just said, "No" to them. Ask him how he would have felt if your ex in-laws had invited you to a family event and excluded him. IMO, he is caving in to the skids.

Another thing, it is certain that he planned to spring this on you at the last minute to catch you off guard. Just wondering what your response would have been if you had time to think it over?

I have fond memories of some of my ex in-laws too but would never expect DH to go along with something so outrageous.

Sorry...not ok. This has been an issue for us with SKs - they decided I must go, and therefore I don't exist. And I have been asking over and over "Who does this? Invites one member of a married couple?"

Sadly, I now see that this, too, is not exclusive to our marriage.

I believe it IS splitting, and will be repeated.

Not ok.

Remember, you have no control over what others do. However you do have the right to expect your DH to NOT agree with this kind of splitting activity.

this is just another slap in the face for a second wife and step mother.

your dh has children with another woman. so what? he should have you along as his wife. anyone who wants to exclude you is an ass, and not respecting you as his wife. period. i can see being polite to former in laws, but accepting an invitation without you is thoughtless.

you are right to do something with your time. work out. go shopping and buy yourself something really nice. i mean REALLY nice.

once a divorce happens, the old ties become different. its all about alliances and boundaries. for instance, just because the divorce happened 25 years ago does not mean your friends and family should offer to let your ex stay with them when she is in town. we had this happen with a family member. the divorce involved bm cheating with a married man, and then leaving to marry him when he divorce his wife. this family member saw bm at a christening get together and immediately told bm could stay with her when she was next in town.

dh did not like that at all.

My parents, sister and I all remained very close friends with my brother's first wife. She was even with my mother when she died (as she'd brought my nephew to see his grandmother). But she never once considered staying for the funeral. She left before my brother and his wife arrived from out of town.

When we gave a huge blowout party (and invited 100s of people) for my parents 50th wedding anniversary we never once considered inviting my ex SIL.

It's possible to remain close to an ex while still enforcing strong boundaries around the current marital unit. None of us would EVER EVER EVER have invited my brother to an event with his ex wife.

Your "allowing" him to go is not what is wrong in this situation. That he would even consider going at all is what is wrong IMHO.

My XILs repeatedly invited me, my wife, and our son (SS) to their ranch for family reunions, holidays, weekend festivities, etc.... Never once did I consider that we would go. Even if my wife had been interested I would not have exposed her to the risk of discomfort that would have been possible.

I was very close with my XILs and for nearly 20 years following the divorce they would send me a birthday card with $10 in it. They were that type of people... at least I thought they were..... Until my XMIL ended up a convicted federal felon.

Though we never accepted one of their invitations they made them regularly for a number of years. No doubt if we had accepted it would have amplified. I am glad we never fell for the bait.

Most of us are dealing with skids and kids; but you can bet I would file for divorce immediately-- if he was hanging out with the ex or the ex's family and refusing to take me along. In fact, I would be upset he wanted to go, period. (Wedding, Graduation, that is different), these are one time significant occasions.

This is so wrong on so many levels: you will not be able to deal with this long term emotionally. It is not fair to you! His excuses are so lame, don'f fall for it-you could have received an invitation and he damn sure could have worn his ring!

I am not certain how long any woman could tolerate this treatment.

When DH and I were first dating he came to visit me. He lived in another city, but BM, SS, and I all lived within a mile of each other even though I did not know them.

DH had my car one day and stopped in to visit BM. I went BALLISTIC over this. In DH's mind he'd been divorced from her for decades, and she'd been happily remarried for years, and he though it meant nothing. I thought differently.

I actually said to him "Do you think her current husband wants the man she used to f*ck stopping by to visit?" That kind of made him think. I had ZERO tolerance for BM interactions as their two sons were long grown. DH had been married to another woman for 15 years (although divorced for several years when I met him).

I probably overreacted because my ex from FORTY years ago has stalked me forever with pleas of undying love. For me when I am done I am done. When it's been over I am especially done if I was still in love with the person. The only way to truly move on is to MOVE ON without that person.

I know some people will disagree with me, but I will not accept my partner being "close friends" with a person they f*cked for years. I've seen too many people who have slept with their ex. Emotional intimacy can all too often lead to physical intimacy. But even without physical intimacy emotional affairs can be even more destructive than physical affairs.

Fortunately for me it was no big deal for DH to drop BM from his life. I have strong convictions about what is and is not acceptable in my life. No man (even my great DH) is worth sacrificing my self worth and welfare.

The heck with the gym! While he is getting all dressed up and perfumed for the grand social event with inls. Start getting all dolled up at the same time. High heels, a nice sexy dress with cleavage showing. Get your sexual hormones goings so the he can sense them, in fact a little masterbation while you are getting dressed should get his attention. Then when he is asking you what are getting dressed for just say. "I also planned something special since you are going to be at the amusement park." It works like a charm in keeping him guessing what is going on. Even when he is at the park he will be thinking "something is not right in my domain." Her hormones are at the mating level and she is all dolled up to go out without me."

When my ex was really cranky at me because his ds was shunning and it upset me, then he would give me the silent treatment or was going out to hang out with ds for the 10th time in the week. I would get all dressed up with high heels and cleavage showing. I would say to him "I signed up dance lessons, don't wait up for me." One time he even had the nerve to say. "if you are having an affair don't come home.

Of course now I am divorced so I know where my tactics got me, maybe they will work better for you. It was fun though doing what I did.