Working with BM
BM has told DH that she made a few remarks about how DH is starting to love my kids more and how I forced DH to move. Both of these statements are complete lies. She also confessed that she refers to us as DH's new family regularly in front of SS. Those were almost the same words SS used in his text to DH in February.
The only reason she even admitted it was because DH was hounding her and threatened to involve lawyers. He was bluffing because there is not really anything we can do in court.
She is upset now because SS has started acting out in her home for a few months and treating her and her husband poorly. SS now says that BM and her husband have a new family like DH. Her lies are working against her.
DH is so angry. He wants to meet a mediator or therapist with BM to setup some ground rules. I also told DH that his guilty parenting needs to stop if he wants any progress. He agrees but he has agreed before too with no changes on his part.
The frustrating thing now is that BM does not want to meet with a professional. She said no to a therapist. She just wants to meet with DH and me. But get this, she wants me involved but not her DH. I told DH very clearly that I will only be involved in this if SS's stepfather is too. I do not need SS to have more ammunition against me.
Right now there is a lot of back and forth between BM and DH about meeting with a professional. After what she has done, I don't think BM will keep her word unless a third party is involved. DH suggested using her church counselor but she doesn't want people in her church to know. As a result, DH has to find a church in our town that will help even though he is not a member.
In my opinion, nothing will get better until DH and BM can agree on some parenting rules. BM still refuses to apologize at all. She says that mistakes were made and we all need to move on.
Also, I blocked SS from DD's instagram account, because according to some of you here, my daughter and I are "emotionally torturing" him with pictures of food. SS started texting DD immediately, questioning her. She cried yesterday because he said that she wasn't a true friend.
DH started getting parallel texts accusing him of hiding something since he was blocked.
These issues might seem "minor and resolvable" but everything we try creates frustration.
I wish I could get
I wish I could get satisfaction that he is acting out her home. Unfortunately he does it at our home and it's really bad.
I have not banned them from texting yet. They were always really close and it would be a shame if they stopped being friends. I think they will bounce back though.
Thanks anotherstep2. I never
Thanks anotherstep2.
I never once suspected that BM would be doing this. She was always nice to me. I feel kind of betrayed.
""Keep your friends close and
""Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."
Sounds like what BM was doing, hon.
That's funny! I feel like a
That's funny!
I feel like a fool. I even helped her bake a cake for her DH's birthday before. What she did really stings.
Is there a reason to put
Is there a reason to put pictures of the food you eat on social media? I just don't get it.
Of course he's upset that he's suddenly blocked. If your DD cannot refrain from posting the food you eat, DH should just be honest with SS and tell him why he's blocked.
Good luck getting an apology out of BM, you are only getting what you are getting because she's now having problems at her house. Otherwise, she wouldn't be interested in working this out and "moving on".
From my last blog. My DD
From my last blog.
My DD plates her food and takes pictures of it. I have many restrictions on what she posts so she does what she can.
I took the cue of what she can post from her friends. Taking pictures of food is a new thing with kids maybe.
It's damned if I do and damned if I don't. But I will not be limiting what DD can photograph further. I already told her no pictures of the dog to not upset SS. That was not easy believe me.
"It's damned if I do and
"It's damned if I do and damned if I don't."
Which is why SS needs to stay blocked and DD should be able to post pictures of the dog and food and anything else you deem acceptable.
I understand that SS is upset and that both you and DH are trying everything to make him feel better. However, I think this has reached the breaking point.
SS is now the one in complete control. He's creating turmoil and upset in your home when he's not even there.
He's now bullying DD the same way he's bullied DH, because it works.
The problem is it's not fixing anything. SS isn't feeling any better or any more loved and wanted. No amount of family dinners or time with the dog or time with DH is going to change him. He's a child and thinks that punishing everyone will make him feel better but it isn't.
It's time for it all to end. Someone, preferably DH and/or BM need to sit him down and tell him that it's going to stop.
That he can be angry and he can hate DH but DH isn't going to stop loving him. He's just going to stop catering to him and putting up with the bull.
I honestly think that's all this kid really needs. He wants some boundaries and he wants his parents to take control back.
You are completely right. BM
You are completely right. BM and DH need to come up with a plan. I cannot believe how stressful all our time with him is.
I really hope BM will agree to meet with a professional with DH. I think when they both hear from a neutral third party, they will make serious changes.
I wouldn't say he was bullying DD just yet. SS is a nice kid. He just has some issues right now.
I think telling her she isn't
I think telling her she isn't a good friend is bullying.
I do think from what you've written that SS is a good kid. He's just pushing and pushing but getting no resistance. So he keeps pushing. I think he's looking for boundaries, he's looking for someone to tell him that he can be angry and upset but that doesn't mean he gets to dictate everyones life.
Is there an animal shelter in
Is there an animal shelter in your town? Perhaps BD can branch out on photography by photographing the animals up for adoption. Help find homes. Just trying to think of more and new directions for BD to take her journey in her hobby and still safely stay in your restrictions.
Is there an youth activity in town on Saturday mornings? My sister and I did bowling league together on Saturday. Maybe something the two boys could do together. Its kind of hard to stay enemies when kids are having fun together.
Just tossing out ideas.
Do they want marriage
Do they want marriage counseling? I don't get it.
Divorce is divorce and divorce with kids Well, we all know the best thing to do is BE cordial, don't try to screw the ex for the sake of the kids AND if you expect equal treatment give equal treatment.
OP you are well within your rights to block who ever you want from your minor child social media.......NO explanation required.
Divorced parents can and often do effectively parents independently from their ex.
What is the goal of BM? What is the goal of DH? I am confused here. Cant they make decisions on their own?
Goldie - did not read all the
Goldie - did not read all the comments, just the first couple....
1. Good for DD to block SS, he can cry cry as much as he wants, not DD's problem, simply tell DD the following.
Hon if he text you and is nasty towards you, ignore it, do not take it personal and tell SS back... if you do not stop bullying me I will block you 100% from contacting me..... it's her choice who she wants to contact and whom not.
2. BM wants a meeting with you and DH and not SF...... well obliged Hon, you have nothing to loose, over a week-end DH arrange to collect SS, then you go with, and you corner BM and SF in their home and say, lets talk about this, small family meeting. You, DH, SF, BM and SS..... would be good if your kids could be there as well, I think... but that's up to you and DH.... then you all can sit together and talk about it, now this is where you need to be extremely clever... place yourself next to SS or as close as possible, BM will start complaining about him, SF will complain (they taught him things biting them in the back now) DH will raise his issues and you the evil SM.. will reach out to SS, say nothing, simply touch his arm, or hold his hand....
SS will immediately come to your corner and things might just change for a while, it's normal human behavior Hon...
People gang up on a despicable person, normal.... that person will start defense mode - normal..people will start blaming each other - normal, the real issue of the meeting forgotten.... the quiet person in the corner, showing some support to the outcast is the one who wins... all the time..... your meeting will be BM attacking trying to hide her nonsense from her DH, DH will climb into BM for being a mongrel....SF will start participating.... nothing will be about SS oh they will blame him etc and each other.... and you will pick up the pieces with SS, without a word, he will remember it for the rest of his life and he will change his attitude towards you.
Remember this kid is still very young and very confused, you have no idea what BM's has been telling him, she keeps on telling him your father has a new family and forgot about you - she's wrong, she should be saying, SS Dad moved cause he got a better job to provide better for you in the future.... but we all know BM would never do that...
with her passing SS against DH, she caused him to become a rude little kid, she allowed him to get away with things, now it's having an influence on her current life, she hopped SS would write DH off and start calling SF his real Dad... it's not working out for BM...
Thank you for the kind words
Thank you for the kind words and advice Acratopotes.
Exchanges are done at the school. Also, I am not sure if inviting ourselves into BM's house would be the best idea. Wouldn't that just make BM more angry?
DH and BM also don't want any kids around when they talk. I think that is a good idea too. With these in mind, it is better if I am not involved.
I am also very non-confrontational. I'd have a heart attack being in a room where they are fighting.
Goldie, I am going to go
Goldie, I am going to go against the grain. Try one meeting with this woman and your husband. Go in your own cars, that way if you don't like the tone you can leave. Don't shut this door if it might be a way back to your SS.
I'm wondering if SF is
I'm wondering if SF is refusing to participate because he's fed up with the kid, is done trying. SF has the little tyrant a lot more now in weekly month after month than he had before and I imagine saddled with the kid weekly instead of EOW is cramping SF's style.
OP mentioned before that kid calls SF 'dad'... now kid is snarling about Mom and 'her new family ' too .
As an aside to OP: if you meet with BM or BM/SF select a neutral meeting place. Something like coffee at a diner. Hard to fight ad cause unnecessary drama in a neutral public place. Especially when BM is about outward appearance. She'll have to behave civil and calm.
Great advice about the
Great advice about the neutral place twoviewpoints. Thanks.
SS's stepfather has always said nice things about SS.
All of us used to have a great relationship. Even I had a very warm relationship with SS.
All of these issues started recently. DH says BM does not want her husband involved because he probably does not know that she was making those comments to SS.
I don't know how you have put
I don't know how you have put up with so much. I would have packed up and said goodbye to dh and ss...
Keep tightening the
Keep tightening the boundaries... eventually the BM and the step spawn will catch a clue. The more they moan, whine, and gnash their teeth tighten the boundaries. Eventually they will learn that they have no influence and will comply with the behavioral requirements or they will not pollute your world with their presence.