Our family just can't warm up to SD
I have posted here about my SD previously. SD is very unruly, selfish & distant and husband does nothing about it. He thinks his princess can do no wrong. She is more worried about her friends and her boyfriend (who is complete ASS!) than anything else in life. My parents have never really said anything to me previously but just the other day my dad who is the most loving caring & generous man just told me "I just can't warm up to her, I wish I could treat her like the other grandkids but I just can't". Both of my parents have tried to build a relationship with her picking her up when she needed rides, buying her gifts, buying special foods for her when they know she will be around etc, but she wants nothing to do with my family. We always have a big family dinner one day a week. Yesterday she came to my parents and didn't speak a word to anyone. Not a word. I told my husband she has such a bad attitude. She pouted the entire time she was there (all of one hour) all b/c she had to be there and couldn't be by her boyfriends house. I thought maybe I was over reacting and maybe no one else realized it until my mom told me this morning what a miserable kid she is. Even my husband's mom & stepdad were basically saying how miserable she is to be around. Her being around makes me miserable as well. I'm trying my hardest to disengage but I just can't seem to. The day she moves out or goes away to college can't come soon enough.
I had an SD like this. SHE
I had an SD like this. SHE has FINALLY warmed up at 19stb20...but for years (from 12 to 18+) she was just a miserable, pouting cow. My family was similar. They tried so hard...bought her Christmas gifts, included her in outings. She went to my cousin's wedding at DH's insistence and pouted / sat in the corner the entire time...then made us leave early the next day (bc DH USED to jump when she said so). I was so furious. This is MY out of town family that I barely ever get to see...and now we're all leaving because a 16-year-old is bored? Mind you, we were on a huge farm in Tennessee with 4-wheelers, a pool, horses, plenty of acreage to wander off and explore or read a book, if you just want to be alone. Her younger brother and sister were swimming, hanging out...having a ball. I was having a good time. But, nope. Had to go because princess wanted to.
After that, a year later, I told him that she shouldn't come to my sister's wedding. Actually, that's not even what I said...I told DH we should make it optional...invite her to go but don't force her to go. It was WW3. DH got so mad at me and said he couldn't believe I would dis-invite his daughter to the wedding. I told him...that's the exact opposite of what I'm doing. I am INVITING her...which means that she can say yes or no...which is typically what INVITATION means. He was still upset...I knew she would say "NO" and choose to stay home. Me: "And? I have still extended the invitation...and she is more than welcome if she wants to be there...but I don't want her sulking because she's been forced, ruining the celebration for everyone else."
Anyway. I can totally relate. I'm the oldest of 6...my mom is one of 8. We have a huge, warm, welcoming family that is famous for "taking in strays" and treating them like family. Every single one of those warm, loving, wonderful people was relieved that my OSD opted out of the event.
The good news is...she really has had a turn-around. Now, she gets invited, she CHOOSES to come, and everyone enjoys her company. She is still quiet...but in a pleasant way now. I think a lot of dads really get bent out of shape about wanting the family dynamic to work and they try to force it too much, making everyone miserable. It's like: "BLEND, DAMN IT!" while they try to shove a relationship down everyone's throats instead of giving it time to develop naturally.
"they try to shove a
"they try to shove a relationship down everyone's throats instead of giving it time to develop naturally."
I call this a bulls eye! Two people can develop naturally; but when you have the third wheel interference, you have trouble.
I think I would have waved to
I think I would have waved to DH and his spawn as they drove off in their way back home while I was waiting for my rental car to show up. I then would have booked 1st class tickets home at the end of the wedding festivities including a few days at a high end spa to prepare me to shred DH and toxic Skid ass as soon as I landed at home.
Why do so many tolerate this crap?
As for taking in strays.... my family does the same. They accepted my SS (SS-24 now adopted) from day one that I introduced he my (future) bride to them when he was 18mos old. My SS is their granson/nephew/cousin. Period.
However... strays must be trained and if they balk at training they experience disciplinary consequences until they are trained. Lather, rinse, repeat. An untrained stray that is tolerated to remain untrained is a huge risk to the training and behaviors of the rest of the pack.
Yeah...that's definitely what
Yeah...that's definitely what I should have done. I wouldn't have even needed to fly home because many of my family members who were there live in my town as well. Could have just hitched a ride home with one of them and enjoyed the rest of the long weekend. However, that was much earlier in our relationship (2 years in, maybe?) and I was trying to do the blending / good wife / building "our" family thing. That lasted until I realized that "our" family meant that I always gave in and did what he and his kids wanted, spent lots of time with his extended family "for the kids" while leaving early and ignoring my family's functions, and I got to work and pay for the privilege of blending with his pre-existing family unit. I started doing things with my family without him or the kids...booking stuff for myself that I wanted to do...whether he could make it or not. And, lo and behold, he started taking more of an interest in my family...because he realized that I was going to leave him out if he didn't.
I agree with you 100%, it is
I agree with you 100%, it is DH's problem as he can not see it. Never has never will. Someone just needs to put the girl in her place, I have tried and I was told "it's your problem, she is my child leave the disclipining to me"
Oh, I bet he sees it. He just
Oh, I bet he sees it. He just doesn't want to deal with it. It's easier for him to ignore it than to put a stop to it.
We normally do not make her
We normally do not make her go to dinner and I much prefer that she isn't at dinner b/c she ruins the atmosphere and what family dinner is all about, but it was someone's birthday dinner and everyone was there, including her bio-grandparents. Which her bio-grandparents do so much for her. IE pay for her sports, buy her almost anything she wants (macbook computers, Iphones, getting her nails done, all named brand clothing and even a car). I don't think it's too much to ask for her to spend a few hours with her family on someone's birthday. Especially when she spent the night at a friends on Friday, had friends spend the night on Saturday & as soon as she woke up Sunday she straight to BF's house, left BF's house to come pout at dinner and left after an hour to go back to BF's house.
Yes DH's parents. They are
Yes DH's parents. They are wonderful people and I love them dearly but grandma ony sometimes sees what she is doing and will make remarks to DH about her attitude or her behavior. They have allowed her to use them. She only calls/sees them when she needs or wants something. "Grandma can we go shopping, I need new shoes, grandma want to go get our nails done? Grandma I need new shoes, Grandma I need a laptop for school and not just any laptop it has to be a Macbook so I can be cool and better than everyone, grandma now that i have a macbook can you get me a named brand cover for it, it's only $90?" But she never calls grandma to see how she is doing or when she was in the hospital to go visit with her. Even SD's grandpa was making a remark about how miserable she is. Grandma said I'm going to try to talk to her. Grandpa responded back "good luck with that one" with a snid laugh.
My bios were like this our
My bios were like this our first Xmas at DHs parents.
They have a big family dinner and gift thing on Xmas eve. My two didn't want to go, they were 11 and 14. Their logic was that they didn't know these people, they weren't THEIR family.
I knew DH and I were going to be together for the long haul and that these people were going to become family. So I made my kids come.
They pouted and acted like spoiled brats for about the first 20 mins. I excused us and took them out to the garage and tore a strip off them. I told them that I didn't care if they wanted to be there or not, they were there and they were going to be polite and friendly and stop acting like total asses. I was shaking I was so mad and embarrassed by their behaviour.
We went back in and while they were still very quiet, they weren't asses anymore.
The thing is that's how teenagers act. It's up to the parent to parent them, to tell them that their behaviour is unacceptable and tell them what is acceptable.
Your DH is the one who needs to smarten up, because SD is not going to change if she doesn't have to.
I absolutely agree that it's
I absolutely agree that it's up to my husband and that he should have said something to her but he never sees it. He has a blind eye when it comes to his daughter. I always tell my husband to be a parent to her.
For example, she lost her job b/c she called off so much. My husband said he was going to tell her "you can't hang out with the boyfriend until you find a new job". Well it's one day later and here is she at the boyfriends house and doesn't have a job. So much for you saying she can't hang out with him until she finds a job.
Also this isn't something
Also this isn't something that is new. DH & I have been together for 6 years. She met my entire family almost instantly because she was with my DH all the time b/c when we first met b/c BM wanted nothing to do with SD at the time. Our first year together I had a birthday party for her at my house where all of my family came and joined us for dinner & cake and bought her gifts. We have tried and tried to make her part of our family but we just can't seem to make it fit.
DH comes from divorced
DH comes from divorced parents. DH's mom has always said I can give my granddaugher what I couldn't give my kids as a single mom. She has a ton of entitlement built up. She feels people owe her for her presence. I have tried to talk to my husband and tell him that the way she treats her grandparents are terrible. I said does she ever call or stop by your mom's just to see her? I said the only time she does is when she wants something. People may say she is a teenager, teenagers don't want that, but when I was 17 years old I had lunch with my grandpa every M-F. Why b/c I loved my grandpa and from a young age I was thought respect and to value family.
Teaching kids to be
Teaching kids to be considerate should be every parent's goal. Like you I find it easy to give responses on how to deal with SOs who deviate from reasonable behavior since my SO is not one to tolerate much crap or deviate from reasonable behavior.
Your kids are fortunate to have you and DH setting a good example.
Keep up the good work.
She sounds like my OSD was,
She sounds like my OSD was, when she was a teenager, and living with us fulltime
Best you can do is disengage from her, ignore the bad behaviour, reward the good
My OSD would do the same when at my family - who all doted on her and treated her like gold - sit and be miserable.
But then she started throwing crying fits the moment we left and making up lies that my family had been mean to her. Caused major problems between DH & I because DH didn't want his daughter to think he didn't believe her or support her, so would make it seem like he was questioning my family, who both he and I knew would never be anything but great to her
Maybe you should consider doing to your SD what I did with mine - I simply stopped ever including her at any of my family events. She had already made it clear she hated it there and everyone was "mean" to her, so she was no longer invited
Of course then that created another conflict between DH & I because he didn't want me going to my family get together's without him. One he was a bit jealous and insecure about some of my brother-in-laws, and secondly he wondered what my family would think that I was going to family get together's alone, especially if they learned the truth that his daughter made it clear she hated them all and told him stories about everyone mistreating her
And there was no way I was going to stop going to see my family, just because OSD was throwing yet another series of temper tantrums
I went to one or two family events alone, and DH starting joining me, leaving his teenage daughter to sit at home and pout
That worked for me! No more stress of having to deal with her and embarrassing me in front of my family
Would something like that maybe work for you?
No one is pushing themselves
No one is pushing themselves on her nor bribing her. For the most part we do leave her alone so we don't have to be around her. But when we have Christmas are my parents and rest of the family not supposed to buy her a Christmas gift and let her sit there while the other grandkids open gifts? On her birthday are my parents not supposed to buy her a bday present? We have tried to treat her as one of our own. Isn't that what a stepfamily is supposed to do? My parents try to make her part of the family for my husband's benefit. Unfortunatley she is just so rude and ungrateful that they do not want to be around her. During that family bday celebration both my husband's family and my family were together. She didn't even talk to her bio-grandma (my husband's mom). She litterally sat there and pouted the entire time. She begged to leave and once she did she didn't even say goodbye to anyone. That is my problem, my husband needs to put her in her place. Tell her to knock her shit off and have some manners.