Badmouthing through texts/Alientaion
Hi,
Im new here, I Really need advice. My husband is far from perfect but he is a great dad and loves his children that he had with his ex wife. I feel like he kids have been victims of PA since day one or even before. There is 4 now aged 17-24. One SS19 has lived with us a majority of the time. The oldest SS is estranged and the 2 SD are on and off. Currently we have SD 17 staying for summer, she is mostly negative and never has a nice thing to say about anyone. My DH and I have made sure to never say bad things about mom in front of them but I know it's not true on the BM and her family's side. That family has painted a nice picture of a father who ruined a marriage and abandoned his children so even though it's far from true I know that at least 3 of them believe that. While SD has been here she's been very mean and aggressive towards dad, comparing him to moms new BF and also she asked me to use her phone for placing an order and there was a text that came through from her mom, it was a reply to something she had said previously which was, " dad and (myself) argue like children " and her moms reply was "yeah well that's what he did to me too, that's why me and (her BF) know how to argue correctly intelligent people don't argue like that" then went on to say also it was dads fault that her son, who,lives with us, didn't amount to anything (he works for his dad's business here with us) anyway it really upset me, I don't know how to handle it, I have my own health issues and this stuff just makes ime feel worse. I want to tell my DH but he doesn't know how to keep things to himself so I know id look bad either way. It's also hard because I know how much he loves his kids and to see him made out to be the bad guy all the time just kills me and I know him too, I tried to have a talk with my SD regarding her attitude towards everyone and her dad, I said imagine a man you met and he was sad, sad because someone lied about him and now his family,won't talk to him, do you think that's ok? She said, it depends on what he did, so I know it's been Alientaion from the beginning, I pray, I pray for the kids and the BM to soften their hearts towards my DH but what else? Please help
any of my sisters or brothers
any of my sisters or brothers on here who pray, please keep our family in prayer, thank you!
Whether it is BM's fault
Whether it is BM's fault entirely or partially your DH's fault too - those children are nothing but pieces of Caca. Now he will always love them. But you should never expect anything decent from any of them.
Let it go and don't expect anything positive from any of them. Not one thing you can do.
YES, YOU GOT IT RIGHT!
YES, YOU GOT IT RIGHT!
What is wrong with some men?
What is wrong with some men?
You did well by talking to
You did well by talking to SD; now let it go. If you text or go any further, you will be the one on the losing end. The nicer and better you try to make things, it will only backfire. The kids are grown and they will come around, if not controlled or pushed; if they do not come around, it is their lose, you can't make them like anyone. Living the example of a calm, peaceful household and relationships is the best way to get your point across. I found "silence is golden".
Don't allow this type of talk and actions to take place in your home. Either say you do not want to hear it or keep changing the subject. Never let your skids run over you, especially in your own home; nip it immediately and set boundaries for yourself, not them. Ignore negativity; it's toxic; the more you try to fix it with grown Skids; the worse it gets; take my word for it. The bottom line, you are the SM; setting a good example is the best you can do.
I made the mistake of trying to be the peace keeper, 30+ years and it still backfired on me. Let it go and take care of yourself and your marriage.
Thank you wickedsm I
Thank you wickedsm I appreciate that
So did he do it? Did he leave
So did he do it? Did he leave his wife and children? Because if that's not the truth then why cant he tell them that? I know some people get confused by "throwing BM under the bus" and telling the kid the truth but the way I see it is truth is truth and each person will take it for what it is in perspective to them. By this I mean, if DH was still married but cheated then I can see why his daughter would feel this way towards him even if it wasn't you he cheated with. If him and BM were done before you came along then he needs to tell her that. Some people think I'm crazy for keeping everything BM ever says or does to me or SO but to me I am keeping my facts straight for the day SS starts to take on BM's crazy notions. DH will give him the truth and he will have proof.
If you and your SO don't badmouth BM then hold to that. Have you ever thought that maybe your SD is trying to get a rise out of either of you to see if you will prove her mother's theory right? BM loves to goad DH until he explodes then she points her finger at him and does this whole "see, I told you it was him" act for everyone. You've got to stop playing the game. Hell she is 18 and still coming over so I'm willing to bet she is just looking for validation at this point or she wouldn't even bother to come over anymore. Like another poster said, don't text BM you'll only get dirt on your hands and give the girl a reason to dislike you. Just ignore the whores and be pleasant or MIA.
Thank you everyone. Both BM
Thank you everyone. Both BM and my DH are at fault. I didn't meet him until years after the divorce and all I've heard is that they both were at fault from husband and family members and friends who know them well and I believe that.. But she's the one who moved in with her BF and then continued on with the divorce. He's always been honest and does tell the kids the truth but the thing is that the daughter is not telling the truth either. She twists things to make us look bad. Example: she's talking about going to school In another state (We both currently live in different states) which is fine and we support her in what she wants to do but we were just discussing options and she kept saying "no, mom wants me to do this" so we just said ok hunny, whatever you want to do just as long as you know there is other options and ways of getting there. She went and told her mom we were trying to talk her out of going to school! She also likes to play games where she will call me mom and then say oh sorry, but then does it over and over, when she was young she would call me mom but now it's just weird because when she's at home she never responds to me or reaches out to us. I know I was caught up in the moment and I'm so glad I held my tongue and didn't react in my flesh. My DH and I were unable to have any of our own because of my health issues and now at my age I'm also going through surgical menopause (yay) but that does t help with the emotional roller coaster that comes along with marriage in general not to mention 1,2,3,4 totally different dynamics with these children. I just hate the toxic, the poison that's happened. My SD has always had low self esteem, She tells us too about things that go on at home that don't seem right, I tell her I love her and she's half mom and half dad and both are good! If she's hearing how bad her father is all the time I can only imagine she would feel, well, I'm half my dad so maybe I'm bad too. Idk. I just want her to feel beautiful as she is and special and unique and that she could do or be anything she wants. She has an amazingly gifted voice, I told her she should join choir or singing lessons, her mom said no, it wouldn't take her anywhere. Grrr God Bless them ALL!
If that happened to you
If that happened to you camper I'm sorry, but also that is not what I said. It's not up to us to punish people their whole lives especially if they have been influenced even more by family. Do you think she forgives her mom and brother she lives with every day when they call her fat?