I've been to NO KID wedding where the bridal party had a lid or 2 in it and they usually leave early. Me personally prefer no kid weddings especially if they formal type weddings. JMO but this coming from the women who will as for a table by the bar if we go out to eat because I rather not eat my meal being disturbed by someone else's kids!

Some people, myself included, think that weddings are not for kids.

You can't count the wedding party kids, as they are not guests, but members of the wedding.
Maybe that's her feeling, too??

When DD25 got married a couple of years ago, she was VERY insistent on no kids. She had her younger siblings as members of the wedding party, but no kiddie guests.

Perhaps your SD feels this way, too?

I would not ask the children to be invited if they truly were not.

I see no harm in Dad casually clarifying the true intent of the invitation. Not in a confrontational manner, more of a just make sure there is no misunderstanding. Did the bride make out the invitation herself (is the handwriting on mailing envelope hers)? Surely Dad can manage to fit inquiry into casual conversation without flat out saying 'did you invite your 1/2 siblings or not'.

I've been to weddings where there were kids in the bridal party, there for the formal picture taking, but not at the reception. I've been to weddings where there were no kids or only kids over a certain age. In all cases if kids were invited they were either specifically listed or the invitation said "Mr & Mrs & family". If I received this I'd read it, like you did, that the kids were excluded.

DH needs to talk to SD. SD needs to called out on this. She needs to know that this is unacceptable to her dad. If she insists no kids than he has a decision to make.

Would I go to the wedding if my kids were excluded? My first thought is no. Second thought --maybe.

If neither her father or you go than she can spin this however she wants and it won't be in favor of her dad. So I vote in for her dad going. My DH would want me to go and support him throughout the day. If I did go our gift to them would be my presence without my kids. There would be no additional gift (money) from us.

My bio kids did get invited to SD's wedding as she wanted her dad to pay for it and he wanted them invited. My bios went because it was important to their relationship to SF.
Now on my bio son's big day the following year, neither of the SDs came. They both declined the invitation. My DH had to answer when the relatives asked about his kids that day.

If you go that day, you will get asked where your kids are. Feel free to throw SD under the bus and say they weren't invited. You'll be the long suffering SM. SD will be the stuff they put at the base of plants to make them grow better. Not a pretty look for the bride.

Just have DH call and ask. Wouldn't hurt and you can get the clarification you need.

Our wedding was kid-free for a few reasons.

Finances - We planned food around the people accounted for via RSVP. When people just show up with kids in tow, those are mouths to feed that have not been planned for.

Noise - I didn't want the risk of distraction during our ceremony. Kids get bored when they have to sit quietly & I didn't want crying or screaming or tantrums interrupting our vows. I didn't want the distraction of mothers/fathers getting up to carry their crying children out. I didn't want kids running around our guests & bumping into people. I didn't want them crawling around the floor & under tables. I didn't want them poking their fingers in the food on the serving tables.

Socializing - We invited people we wanted to enjoy our day with & we wanted to create an environment where our guests would be able to socialize & enjoy the company of other adults. I think it's nice for adults to be able to go to adult functions & not have kids pulling on their sleeves & telling on other kids for not sharing or because someone hit someone or took a toy, or whatever.

There's no need to bring children to someone's wedding if they haven't been invited. IMO, it's rude to call & ask. It makes people feel obligated to agree so as not to offend a guest.

If the invite is addressed to Mr & Mrs So-&-So, it's intended for Mr & Mrs So-&-So. If the couple is wanting their guests to tote children in behind them, they'll indicate it with Mr & Mrs So-&-So & Family, or they'll put a little message inside letting you know that children are welcome.

People put a lot into planning their weddings. As a guest, accept the invite as presented. That's simple respect.

Since this is close family (siblings) I would just call SD and clarify.

A lot of people now a days don't know how to properly address an envelope.

If he wants to check to make sure the half siblings are invited that's great but it has to come from HIM not SM. Not inviting siblings is kind of slimy and I expect it will impact the kids relationships with big sibs for years. Don't expect SM or kids to be excited about anything from that side of the family afterwards and that includes new babies, etc...

Don't blow this out of proportion. Take your kids to their sibs wedding. Don't ask. RSVP for 4. End of issue.

If indeed the bride has chosen to exclude her own half siblings from a family event, that speaks volumes about her and her feelings (or lack of) towards them.

It's overtly exclusionary, and a considerate daughter would recognize the potential for hurt feelings and head it off by contacting her father to clarify:'Hey dad, just wanted to remind you that I've provided a sitter for Timmy and Suzie during the service, and then we can all be together at the reception." That would be the gracious thing to do, especially since dad is expected to participate in the event. But this is steplife.

Dad needs to call, find out what's what, and decide how to proceed from there.

DH just needs to pick up the phone and get a clear answer.

I'm really surprised SD wouldn't have mentioned to Dad about a kid-free wedding (if it turns to actually be one) when she asked about walking her jointly down the aisle.

Just kind of a heads up sort of FYI. She knows Dad has minor aged children. She would know if she's not planning on children attending (except wedding party participants) that his agreeing would mean making sitter arrangements ect for his kids. It just seems common sense and courtesy when chatting with her father about her wedding, wedding/reception will be adult only *shrugs*.

OP states "but they say happy birthday, send gifts to DD’s, come for dinner and holidays. They are friendly to us. They come to events for the DDs" sounds like she'd just suddenly make a snub move towards her younger half siblings out of the blue. Why wait all this time to make such a bold statement? Usually when a SD is jealous, unapproving of second family blah blah it's pretty obvious and a wedding snub wouldn't come totally unexpected as this one seems to have.

Is there anyone else you get on with in family who has kids that are not in the wedding? Could you find out if those kids are invited and make your call from there. If they got a different envelope than you or invite than you, then there is at least more evidence of exclusion if that is the case

If there is no one you can ask then a convo may go along the lines of
Hey sd its dad here. We got the invite and it's really beautiful. we are trying to get things together for the day and we were wondering about childcare: should we bring the girls (insert half sis name here) or do we need a sitter the whole day?

This convo may take some of the directness out of it but it must be between your dh and sd. You must not get involved.
If however they aren't invited, stay away and no gifts, now or when her children are born.
Also try to take the girls away from social media until you have it sorted. No point to see it and then have them more disappointed

While I think it would be rude of Joe Blow to call and clarify if kids were invited…this is the brides FATHER. Of course he should call and just say…Hey DD…Is this a kid free wedding? I just wanted to know if the kids are invited or do I need to find a sitter.” Easy peasy no fuss no muss. It is not rude.

And who ever said up there that the dad is a dead beat father to a 29YR is absolutely absurd! Especially when HE alone paid for the kids college. Maybe that was a given all along. He pay for college and BM pay for wedding. But even if that was not the case…he is not a dead beat father because he is not paying for his 29YR DDs wedding. Dumbest thing I have read today. But it is early.

I see no harm in dad asking his daughter if it is a child free wedding and see if he 1/2 sibs are invited. I don't think the step mom should ask. It could be that they can only have so many people ect... there is a tactful way to do this. A good friend of mine is getting married in September, she is having a kid free wedding and told me upfront and hoped I would not be offended that my BS was not part of my invite. He will be 9, and that is what babysitters are for IMO.

To WOB

So case in point.
Say your DD did not know the etiquette and sent an invitation addressed to you and your DH, for her wedding, and she just expected that the boys would come since they live in the house. (Just say they lived there at the time). You would have left them home and NEVER asked DD if they were invited?

MrsZipper: I am not sure just where your relationship with your stepkids stands; only you know that for certain. I do believe common sense needs to be used in this situation. If you know for sure, in your mind, that the bios were not invited, let it go and you and DH attend. On the other hand, if you feel there was just an assumption all of you were intended to attend, let DH confirm this with his DD and DS.

I know for sure where I stand with all of my grown skids; therefore, I take it one occasion at a time. For example: SD told DH that they were having a family BBQ for birthdays and Father's Day combined; I was never informed by SD or grown SGD; they are doing the BBQ at SD's house, just up the street.

I know in my own mind, SD nor SGD want me there; it's clear on both of our behalf. No words have to be said. DH knows this also. Therefore, I have said nothing about being invited, or that I will or will not be going. I let it go and will see what DH wants. If DH never mentions it; I will politely stay home, that's what I want to do anyway. The only reason I will go with DH is if he ask me to go with him; it's his birthday party. Silence sometimes speaks loud words. In my case, manners do not enter the equation; my SD and SGD have no manners. I do have manners and will not push myself on anyone.

Bottom line; I would let your DH handle it the way he wishes; these kids are all siblings with the same Father. If you do not feel comfortable going, tell your DH you do not feel comfortable and stay home with your bios.

Many many years ago when I was the maid of honor in a very small wedding I remember thinking "WOW these vows are SO personal that I almost feel like an intruder standing here next to them".

Since then I have always felt that a marriage was between TWO people and two people only. A bride and groom, two grooms or two brides - no more no less. Any one else present is just an extra.

People get so bent out of shape about who is invited, who chooses to attend, etc. It's all bullshit. Nobody has to be invited (no matter what the DNA relationship) and no one has to attend (again DNA be damned). 90% of most weddings are really just crap about having a huge costume party.