The more I am around "adults" her age the more I dislike them. I went through that with my oldest and his girlfriend that moved back home after college. Both were slobs. I finally told them to start paying rent and they left voluntarily soon after.

I went through it again with a SD that used my home (that I paid all the bills for) as a hotel and storage facility, just like your SD is doing. Right down the same dynamic of leaving in a huff if I said anything to her. She was supposed to do the intense chore (sarcasm here) of vaccuuming. She did it about once every two weeks. She also ate food without any regard that someone else might want some. This caused lots of discussions with exDH and I am still resentful to this day.

Have my youngest fresh out of college home right now- we will see how this goes.

My oldest who is now nearly 30, told me that "kids that age" are very self absorbed.

Anyway, keep demanding she help out, maybe tell her she needs to buy her own food. Don't cook "family" dinners for her- teat her as a roommate and start making it unpleasant for her. She may decide she no longer wants to live there.

Dear Musicinthesoul,

I feel for you. I went through this with an older teenage SS. The house was a hotel. The refrigerator was always empty. And any sideways glance when he was drinking under age made me a bitch. (I AM a bitch but for entirely different reasons). The "huffiness" comes with the territory. Fun living in your own house, right? Totally fucked up, uncomfortable and feeling like there's no end in sight? Been there, done that.

So... a thought. Collect her keys (if you trust there aren't copies/hide-a-key, etc.) and lock things up at 9 or 10 at night. Otherwise, she can call when she needs to get in at which point its up to you whether you answer, let her in, or not. You can always pick up the phone and say "Our agreement was $50, cleaning, whatever". You haven't followed our agreement. Please find someplace safe to stay". Play that card two or three times and she won't want to live there.

It doesn't feel like this will actually change her behavior because life is too easy right now. She'll find some other place to crash where there are lesser rules but eventually (especially if she's partying hard) that this will catch up with her. Do agree on it with your husband first. This will be harder to observe for him but you have to be confident that he will support your position.

Best of luck and keep us informed. You should not be treated this way in your own home. Or anywhere!

Pink

My spouse and I dealt with a similar situation as well, maybe not as bad. My spouse has a SS19 from a previous relationship After we got together DH SS didn't want to live with his BM anymore so he moved in with us for the end of his grade 12 year, and still presently lives with us it has been 2.5 years. The first few months were relaxation time after his high school graduation and my spouse told him once summer was over he needed to have a full time job and pay $400.00 rent per month which includes everything. He would not look for a job for 4 months. when he found a full time job, was gone ALL day (which was lovely for me) and then SS was fired. His next job was great, and he enjoyed it but it was not enough hours through the week so he was home ALL the time, just playing video games, leaving dirty plates in his room, not doing his own laundry, funky smells came apart of our downstairs living area as his room and rec room was down there.He would not help a lending hand around the house such as mow the lawn, rake up fallen leaves, take out garbage/recycling.. nothing. My 5 and 7 year old boys did mandatory chores around the house that was implemented by my spouse and I. I started to complain to my spouse numerous times which ended in fights, as I feel my spouse was being to easy on his SS19 and then my young sons were doing chores to help out around the house on a regular basis. The arguments/complaints went on a year until I started going out of my way to make things difficult. I refused to clean SS19 dishes that were left in the sink Pans/Pots/Cups/Plates. I just left them and did mine or my childrens. My spouse was furious as he is a tidy person, and one weekend I even left for 3 days to stay with my parents because of an argument regarding the SS. That weekend my spouse was keeping the house tidy, washing laundry, tidying the kitchen, going to work for 12 hours a day and coming home to a messy kitchen left by SS19, and my spouse finally got angry with his SS. I wasn't there to help, and maybe it showed my spouse that SS really does absolutely nothing around the house and I make up for his slack. I did not do that anymore, I refused and my spouse was a bit more understanding after. My spouse gave him the ultimatum, spouse told SS either do your own dishes, clean up after yourself pay your rent or go back and live with BM. so far it has been almost a year and SS has been careful about tidying things, and working enough to contribute to rent. My spouse even spoke to BM and told her what was going on and it was nice because BM agreed with my spouse that her son was "lazy" and she had problems with him for that too. BM agreed SS would move back with her if he was not contributing and doing what was expected and my spouse told SS this, so far things have changed a lot, not entirely but enough that I am not complaining when I get home from work.

Put a lock on the pantry and the fridge. Disable your cable and internet when she is there. Change the locks and replace them with programable code locks and disable hers each month. When she pays her rent, give her a new code until the next rent is due. No food, no tv, no internet. $50/mo gets her only a new code for the door each month and then only if she keeps her space spotless.

She neeeds to understand that $50/mo does not feed her or get her much else.

She needs to understand clearly that her tenure in your and her father's home is not as a resident and her presence has a clear and very short shelf life.

Dad needs to get into therapy with you! Do it now. I'm speaking from experience. We now have a 36 year old who can't afford her life NOW, just hooked up with a really BAD person and wants to get pregnant! She already has one child she can't handle!The boyfriend already has two children(who live with the mother) and he does not pay child support. We have decided to end all financial ties. And, I contacted a therapist as husband said he won't pay for another baby, however, I've been down that road one too many times, and this time, professional help is needed. I think once they see the dynamics behind the enabled behavior, it's easier for them to see they're crippling their children. They see it as "helping". It's just the opposite---it is creating and maintaining a helpless, lazy adult who expects to be bailed out, over and over again. For your sake, your marriage and for this adult child----therapy will help immensely. I feel for you.

Pull a surprise sit down with them both. This is what I did with our grown YSS, who was laying around mooching off of us. DH let it go on and one morning at breakfast, a weekend when the other two grown Skids were home for a visit, I came unglued; no planned speech; it just all came out.

"No more! You will get a job, get off the couch, will not use our phone (lots of $$$), will not ever drive our autos again (wrecked two). I'm NOT putting up with any of this any longer, beginning now. If I have to throw everyone out of this house, it will begin now; I work, DH works, the entire family holds a job, but you (YSS)."

This house wasn't even my house; it was DH's and we weren't even married at the time. I stood my ground. YSS got mad, moved out, and has never lived with us since (20 years ago). My grown SD thinks I am a bitch for doing this to her "little brother"; she hasn't liked me since and really never did anyway (jealousy). OSS agreed with my decision and still does. YSS ended up in prison and just got released after 15 years. He only calls his Dad once about every 3 months; he can't leave the neighboring State, thank God. He has a job and has to live with BM and her H; this is part of his parole rules.

You have to make the move. It is worth it in the end. If you don't take action, you will be stuck in the same routine for years to come. Maybe you don't have to be as rough around the edges as I was, but you need to do it.

Keep us posted. I understand your situation. (((hugs)))