Prom?
Hello again! I am writing because I received such great advice on my previous post, "Teenager on Drugs, Should I send her away?" ,so here's another question..... Should she be allowed to go to prom next week?
As you may know from my previous post, my SD, 17 was busted two weeks ago making a drug deal out of our house! She had been planning to take some ecstasy pills at a school encampment, but luckily we caught her before she was able to. She did not receive any punishment, except being forced to spend quality time with the family, which of course she has been doing very minimally and with a sullen look on her face. I know, I know.... I am a very strict parent and I believe in punishment, but those tactics have not always worked for us, so we were trying a different approach.
We have been so strict, to the point where she has never attended a cool "party", or even kissed a boy.....Thank God! We have been too overprotective, I admit, but once we started to give her more freedom, is when she started messing up. Before this, I really believed her to be a responsible teenager. She has excellent grades, but like any teen, has a bit of an attitude problem.
Anyway, Last night at dinner she asked if she could attend prom with her friends? I have mixed feeling about this because I think it's important to participate in these school functions that create lifelong memories, but considering the circumstances, Im wondering if she should even be allowed to go? I definitely DO NOT want to pay money for the ticket (which is $50) or the prom dress.
Let me add, that her BM has NEVER really been there and thus I have been providing financial and emotional support for this child for the past 7 years. She is usually a pretty good kid, until recently that she was caught using drugs. But compared to some of the horror stories on here, she has always treated me "fairly" well. I believe this is the case because she sees that I do so much more for her than her own mother. Which brings the question of Should she be allowed to attend her high school prom? How can I trust her so recently after the "incident"? The reason why I ask is because I do help my husband in the child rearing and every decision we make together, but I would like to hear what y'all think and what you would do were you in my shoes???
Thanks in advance!
Would you like to
Would you like to elaborate?????
Well I know it sounds harsh,
Well I know it sounds harsh, but considering what this child has been through, it has really been our responsibility to keep her safe. Her BM is a drug addict who molested her own child at a very young age...... so you can see why it has been difficult letting go. Her father has full custody and has always felt a great deal of responsibility to never let such a thing happen again.
This is quite personal stuff, but I guess not knowing the full background story, makes people more judgmental of different parenting styles. I agree that we have made mistakes parenting this child, which is why I am here, looking for support and advice on how to correct this issue. I am hoping it is not too late for us.
Not a judgment, but it has
Not a judgment, but it has been my experience that the more tightly controlled a child is, the wilder they are when they get some freedom. I've seen it in HS and in college. The ones who have been given some rope to learn about life while there's still a safety net seem to mature more easily.
I liken it to a baby bird. If it's never been given a chance to try out the wings, it will never fly or soar.
I am stuck on the
I am stuck on the contradictory statements:
"...SD, 17 was busted two weeks ago making a drug deal out of our house! She had been planning to take some ecstasy pills at a school encampment...We have been so strict, to the point where she has never attended a cool "party", or even kissed a boy...."
I for one second don't believe that a 17 yo girl, who is making a deal to purchase ecstasy for her use while away at a school function (and likely getting enough to share with others?) has never attended one of "those" parties or never kissed a boy. How do you know? I suspect she has a life you know nothing about really.
If, after the drug incident, she wants to go to prom then she needs to be driven there by an adult and picked up afterwards by an adult. No parties after or before (oh, there WILL be multiple parties to choose from).
Let me try to clarify. SD
Let me try to clarify. SD just turned 17 on April Fool's Day, a couple of weeks later we busted her doing a drug deal outside of our home. From what we gather, based on text messages and other evidence this is maybe the 3rd or 4th time she does this.
She has been allowed to sleep over at friend's houses, so maybe she attended one of "those" parties behind our backs, but we have never allowed her to attend an unsupervised house party. Sure, she's gone to plenty of other events like Sweet Sixteens and school dances and such.
We used to have a very close relationship, where she would confide in me which boys she liked and so on. When she turned 15 we allowed her to have a bf, but she hasn't really focused on boys too much. She has always been a very busy child, with TOO MANY extra curricular activities, so she really hasn't had time for a boyfriend. She did admit to pop kissing a boy once with closed lips and I don't really doubt that. I have always tried to be open with her about sex and the possibility of STD's so maybe I scared her a bit on that topic.
But I do agree, that if she is allowed to attend, we will drop her off and pick her up at the event; and of course will not be allowed to attend any after parties.
I think I was just trying to get a poll on whether other parent's would allow their child to attend a school function that is supposed to be a reward, after such an incident? I feel the topic got taken a bit out of context, but I understand that it's hard to determine a response when you don't know much of the backstory. I do appreciated the feedback though.
Nope, don't think she's a
Nope, don't think she's a goody two shoes.....but a virgin, yes, I could pretty much bet money on that! Just like some of you know the type of step kids you have, I know mine and obviously she's no saint, but she's not a monster either. I never thought I'd be on here defending her so much. Teenagers make mistakes, we all know that. But my question was simple. Should she be allowed to attend her Junior Prom even though we just busted her doing drugs two weeks ago.
I never asked, Do you think she's a virgin? Do you think she's a goody two shoes? No. Question was would you allow your child to attend the prom? That's it.
The whole point of Ecstasy's
The whole point of Ecstasy's high is that you get horny as f*ck and basically cum as soon as someone so much as touches you. Hell, a good bass beat can make you feel like you're about to orgasm. So..... yeah, not buying the whole "virgin" part.
There isn't any way in hell
There isn't any way in hell your SD is rolling with Molly and is a virgin. NOPE NOPE NOPE.
Sorry, you all are either deaf, dumb, and blind morons... or you are the most checked-out parents in the world.
I'm not trying to be mean. Listen to me. I know what I'm talking about. I was a WILD CHILD. I bought and sold drugs starting from 14 on and amassed myself a small fortune. I controlled, at 15, nearly all of one type of drug that came into my area. I supplied 4 high schools with that drug. I had dealers I sold to who were several counties away. I used drugs, I sold A SH*T TON of drugs, and I was having lots and lots and lots of sex. (edited to add: this was 20 years ago that I was having a ton of sex at 14. And I was not unique. And I live in a rural area. I'm sure kids near cities start younger. My point- I can't even THINK of a teen I know today who isn't sexually active at 16. Not one.)
I was a gifted and talented student, never got in trouble, never even got detention, held a cover job, and BOTH of my parents were cops. COPS. And they had NO IDEA.
I'm not saying that I was *that* crafty. By all means, they should have known. At 16 I purchased and paid for two (TWO!!!!) antique cars to be restored so I could drive them. I paid my own insurance. On both cars. No one batted an eye. Come on, that is willful ignorance. I worked part time at a sub shop, for christ's sake! I sure as hell didn't make that kind of money flippin' burgers!
You need to get educated about drugs. What are they called, what do they cost, what is available in your area easily/cheaply, what does being high on it look like? Stop being so naive. I'm trying not to be a Judgy McJudgerson, but I get the vibe that you and DH are a "churchy" bunch, and are lost in your complete and utter naivety. Snap to it! Wake up!
And, on an aside... all I really wanted as a kid was for my parents to care enough to notice, and to stop me. So notice. Flip her room. Audit her phone. Put a key tracker on the computer. Watch her every damn move. Let her know you love her enough that even if she's not ready to succeed, you won't let her fail.
I didn't get that, but lucky for me I was smart enough to realize that #1- sooner or later I would make a mistake and get caught, and #2- I didn't want to be 18 when I was busted. So I stashed my money and got out early. But most kids don't have that kind of foresight.
She's a POS drug dealer. Do
She's a POS drug dealer. Do what you want to do. That's what she is doing.
Well she ended up going to
Well she ended up going to prom. Grandma let her go with the boy she has been smoking weed with! GO FIGURE! Anyway, she is living with grandma at the time, so not my problem!
I would have her arrested
I would have her arrested while she is still a minor. Scare the shit out of her before it goes on her record for life.