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Ever feel as if you are undeserving?

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Sat, 05/07/2016 - 8:43pm

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Adult Stepchildren

So I arrive home today to the most beautiful bouquet of flowers on my doorstep.

They are from YSD, with a Happy Mother's Day note that says "thinking of you, love you lots, YSD"

I immediately call her to say how thoughtful, sweet, wonderful, hope she didn't spend too much money, they look too expensive, etc.. etc..

She says Oh stop Disillusioned, you totally deserve them, you are so awesome, so sweet/have done so much, etc..

I tell her again she is a dream of a step-daughter, doesn't get any better than her.....

DH is so moved he is literally fighting back tears

All is wonderful....and yet....I feel so guilty, false.

It's like, I am not her Mother and she is not my daughter. It's not that I'm so awesome (although I really do think I've worked hard at being the best SM I can possibly be) but really, I'm just trying to survive, to do the right thing, and not get trampled on

I feel like the flowers, the show of love, the gratitude from SD is really something that goes to BM, not to me

Funny, OSD does absolutely nothing for me, ever. And I never expected that her, or YSD would or should, but still, with OSD I feel resentment for all I've given and sacrificed and get a big fat disrespectful nothing from her for, and yet when YSD goes over the top, I then feel guilty, false and undeserving.

Has anyone else, with at least one great skid, ever felt this way?

notasm3's picture

Submitted by notasm3 on Sat, 05/07/2016 - 9:42pm

No you are just having a normal reaction that a giving (not taking) person has.

My BIG birthday is coming up this summer. My DH and some of my friends are planning a huge party for me. I know they are doing it because they love me and want to do it. But part of me feels guilty and that I don't deserve it.

twoviewpoints's picture

Submitted by twoviewpoints on Sun, 05/08/2016 - 8:21am

Oh, stop. She sent a gift from her heart. Not because she had to. Not because it was expected of her or because anyone made her feel guilty or pressured her... she sent it exactly because she appreciates you and felt you deserve a lovely surprise on a day she was particularly thinking of you.

What a wonderful treat you found waiting for you. Enjoy the flowers as she meant you to.

Happy Mother's Day, Disillusioned.

sandye21's picture

Submitted by sandye21 on Sun, 05/08/2016 - 8:35am

Disillusioned, You don't have to answer this question but I'm just curious. When you were a child did you get unconditional love from your parents? I ask this because I didn't, and truly believe many of us on this site are primed during our childhood not to think we deserve special treatment - this is why we end up trying to win over skids that treat us like dog doo and a DH who does not respect us enough as a life partner. I've never expected anything out of SD and she has never surprised me, but it holds no impact. She has a Mother.

I recently had a birthday and my friends went out of their way to make me feel special. Like you, I felt guilty, like I didn't deserve it. I know this comes from way back as a child when my Mother would look at me on my birthday with dread in her eyes, and ask, "Do we HAVE to?" I've heard many times that you should leave the past behind and totally agree with it but it is sometimes hard to keep all that past hurt from bubbling to the surface and affect the way we view ourselves today.

Your SD gave you the flowers because you are very special to her. As luv suggested, reciprocate on her special day.

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Sun, 05/08/2016 - 8:45am

Good for you TuesdaysGone, wow, I bet your DD's SM appreciates that you do that. So nice to hear when a BM would has the class and maturity to do that Smile Your DD's SM is fortunate to have you in her life!

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Sun, 05/08/2016 - 9:03am

Wow Sandye21, amazing insight!

Boy by Mother does sound a lot like yours! I feel bad for you that you endured that Sad but good for you to recognize it, and more importantly to leave it behind

I've never thought that might be why skids, and DH, could make me feel guilty but what you say makes sense

....my Mom was tough and to this day I struggle with my relationship with her. I will go visit her today on Mother's Day and try to make her feel special, and she will be unfortunately as self-absorbed and entitled as she normally is

Funnily enough, it was always my SF that was so very much more appreciative of my efforts, and I've always tried to be the type of step-parent to my SD's as my own SF was to me.

And, I've always thought my YSD viewed me much the same as I viewed my SF - just one more member of extended family to love and receive love from, and who I did value in my life

So I will try to stop feeling guilty now, and just enjoy those beautiful flowers from her

intrinsicmemory's picture

Submitted by intrinsicmemory on Sun, 05/08/2016 - 3:41pm

Her selfless recognition of you is an indicator that you do deserve them. If someone entirely unrelated to you decided to recognize your effort in time for a "holiday" that steps are usually entirely forgotten, you're doing something right.

still learning's picture

Submitted by still learning on Sun, 05/08/2016 - 8:44pm

Mothers Day is for those who mother, your SD recognizes that you have mothered her during her life. It was a nice gesture, accept it and be grateful. If she sends you and DH on a 21 day cruise that might be "over the top," but the flowers were thoughtful.

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Mon, 05/09/2016 - 8:21am

Thanks intrinsic....that's sweet of you Smile

I also think a lot of it has to do with my YSD. She is just generally a more accepting, caring and mature individual. Not to compare her to her sister (OSD) but they are so different

OSD is the one that was always praised, the apple of DH's eye, the first grandchild etc.. etc... she had every reason to feel secure and happy and yet she is the one who is jealous, bitter and angry and goes out of her way to insure I feel like an outsider

YSD has a great attitude, focused her mental energy on bettering herself (rather than bringing others down or trying to control them) and she has become the family favorite by all four parents (her bios and her steps)

I have done as much or even more for OSD and yet she despises me, and YSD is grateful and giving for every little thing...

Just two totally different people, dealing with the same circumstances, and looking at them from completely different viewpoints

Tuff Noogies's picture

Submitted by Tuff Noogies on Mon, 05/09/2016 - 8:37am

awww how sweet of her Smile

it is hard sometimes to deal with two complete polar opposite steps. i hope you're still enjoying the lovely bouquet!

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Mon, 05/09/2016 - 8:29am

Not sure where you got that Heavenlike, I have absolutely no idea what YSD did for her Mother nor would I ever assume she did more for me. However what she did for me was amazing and I am very grateful for it

And yes, she may well be a bigger manipulator than her sister. OSD has made sure to say to DH in the past that "YSD can't stand Disillusioned either"

Although YSD told DH that is absolutely not true, my attitude has always been this; whether YSD does this to look good, to please her father, to get lots of attention for being 'good' and sweet - the end result is she did something wonderful that moved me, and DH, I'm not going to question her motives

I have even more admiration for her if she hated the ground I walk on and yet, shows enough class and maturity to be respectful and act like a decent human being

To me, that takes far more maturity, intelligence, and self-control than anyone who spends their life dreaming up plots of revenge on someone for all sorts of imagined wrongs!