Step-Twins about to graduate from high school. Graduation party the next week is the problem.
Hello all,
I've never posted to a forum before, but I need some support (hopefully). Background: My first marriage ended when the father of my children threatened to kill me after having been verbally and emotionally abusive. I was granted full custody.
I have been married to current husband for 12 years. When we married his twins (boy and girl) were in Kindergarten. My husband doesn't believe in rules for his children. He has Multiple Sclerosis and says that it is too stressful to have rules and that stress affects his health. As a result I have been the disciplinarian in the household. I endeavored to treat my step-children the same way I treated my own children with regards to discipline, privledges, etc. The result is that I haven't ever been that close to my step-children and they frequently resented me.
They are with their mother half time, but rarely on Saturday or Sunday (unless it is a holiday). Their mother has rules, but she doesn't enforce them. Their mother has a history of verbal abuse, DUIs, restraining orders, domestic assault arrests, and domestic assault complaints with visits from law enforcement officer at her apartment complex. She hates me. I know this because she frequently says so. She has slandered me about town and she has called my husband to call me horrible names and threaten me. I have avoided her as much as possible. We have run into each other at school functions and dance recitals.
She drinks heavily and is a violent drunk.
My step-twins have decided to have their graduation party at their mother's apartment complex - the yard has a pool and picnic tables - fun stuff for kids. My husband (their father) and I thought we would take them out to a nice restaurant to celebrate privately and not get involved with the party. The step-twins have each approached their father in tears and want him to go to their graduation party. He in turn wants me to go. I do not feel safe. I feel that I will be putting myself in the path of abuse. My husband feels that I am embarrassing him and playing games, because "she'll probably be fine". He plans to attend.
Again this woman has a history of violence. I do not feel safe going. Now I am the bad person for wanting to avoid the situation.
Thanks for letting me vent.
@anotherstep2 Thanks for the
@anotherstep2 Thanks for the eye roll! My daughter (now 24yrs old) had some insight a few minutes ago. She said that DH is still behaving like he is still in his abused husband relationship with BM. It helps me process the situation at a more empathetic level...kinda. Thanks for the encouragment!
Silly man. Planning to hide
Silly man. Planning to hide behind your skirts at the party, it sounds. Stay away. Take the twins out to eat privately to acknowledge this step into adulthood. Focus on encouraging the strong launch into a successful future.
Stale hotdogs and awkward interactions do nothing to help the twins. DH wants to go? Absolutely. Good for him but leave you out of the party. For your sake and for the sake of the twins --- who wants a half-drunk BM going off over imagined slights from years ago. Not conducive to a winning celebration.
Thanks Idigo for your
Thanks Idigo for your encouragment! I think it would be easier for DH to have me there for moral support in the "enemy's" territory. He is going because his twins asked him with tears. At first I was frustrated because he changed the plans we made, but then I realized that he feels that he needs to go...so go.
He wants you there for moral
He wants you there for moral support in "enemy" territory. "Hey, Joan of Arc, here's a lovely bonfire, why don't you climb up here and check it out?" (sarcasm)
From the outside it looks as if it's not just a matter of protecting yourself, but of protecting DH AND the twins from emotionally-reactive, half-drunk BM. None of them deserve any type of abuse on a happy occasion but BM probably doesn't consider her behavior abusive. You would most likely be the lightning rod for BM. You will draw the fire of any perceived injustice throughout the years. Truth will have little to do on this type of landmark day. If not for you, the happy family would be pretending to be a happy family for pictures, whatever.
You can quietly text DH supportive messages, but he's a big boy. He bred with this woman and has children by her. His twins asked him to attend a normal rite-of-passage. Truly, not a big deal to step back to avoid conflict, knowing that you will have your own actually happy celebration at a different time.
Changing of plans without discussion? Ah, that's another thing.
Yes I avoided a confrontation
Yes I avoided a confrontation with BM throughout all of the elementary, middle, high school years. I really don't want to have a showdown at the graduation party. BM and SD are heavy followers of reality TV such as KUWTK and Real Housewives. I think a showdown would be a real triumph for them in a twisted and weird way.
I really don't want to put myself into that possibility either. But it is the profanity laced tirade that everyone could hear from a block away that I REALLY want to avoid. And then someone would likely call the cops. Someone usually does with her scream fests.
I think DH (and maybe step-twins) just can't fathom that I will stand up for myself.
Thanks for the support!
Agree with the others
Agree with the others above—your husband can go himself. Step-mothers do not have to attend these events, if they so choose. Only a step-mother would be expected to go to an event where, as you put so bluntly yet accurately, risk being abused.
In reality, society has it all backwards. They think that the SM (or step-dad) is supposed to accommodate the spouse, children and even ex-. Ridiculous. It is like the SM is supposed to single-handedly hold the family together. SM is supposed to pay the price for another family’s issues/divorce, and what is SM’s big reward for all of this extra effort—being the family scapegoat. In reality, SM’s spouse, her SKs and her spouse’s ex- should all be accommodating to her--SM.
After all, SM is stepping up to the plate and trying to help the family. She is the glue that is trying to hold it together, or at the very least, a free baby sitting service. Bio-mom and bio-dad gave up long ago and decided to divorce. That is bio-mom’s and bio-dad’s problem. No-one should have to pay the price for someone else’s divorce (provided they had nothing to do with it, and the vast majority of SMs did not). When BM and BD divorced, they knew they were breaking their family up, whether for supposedly good reason or not. Their family issues should be their family’s issues.
SM should be the one deciding which events she goes to, how much she is willing to do for everyone, etc. Because, she is the one taking on extra. No one else in the family is. Your comment, “I feel that I will be putting myself in the path of abuse. My husband feels that I am embarrassing him and playing games,” is very backwards, yet typical. Blame SM. Instead, your DH, his SKs and even his ex- should thank God every day that you are even around.
"In reality, society has it
"In reality, society has it all backwards. They think that the SM (or step-dad) is supposed to accommodate the spouse, children and even ex-."
Wow! You are so right! And after 12 years of helping him raise his kids, I think I can sit this event out with dignity.
Thanks!
What do you want to do?
What do you want to do? Perhaps keep yourself away from unpredictable dynamite? .Sounds reasonable to me.I would not put my wonderful self in a position to see her ugly behaviors.
Maybe have your special dinner with the skids where you can "be there" without the feeling of looking over your shoulder.
You do not owe anyone an explanation to follow your gut. You told us that you dont feel safe.and your DH simply blows you off? NOT!
I think that by you showing up at her gathering sends you a message that your needs are unimportant and that you are willing to risk an attack to your wellbeing.I get the feeling your DH wont defend you.I bet the Ex gets a rise out of that.
I think that NOT showing up at this possible ambush sends a more profound and positive message to yourself.Perhaps you know it already..its been there all along.. listen.
I really want to keep myself
I really want to keep myself out of a situation that is "unpredictable dynamite"!
My DH would definitly NOT defend me against his abusive ex-wife. He won't even defend himself against her explosions. He says it is better for the step-twins if one parent remains calm.
Not that this is my reasoning, but I think a better role model might be to stay out of a potentially really scary situation in the first place. Yes I will follow my gut.
Thanks for the support!
DH will invariably go. He
DH will invariably go. He can't handle it when they cry. He definitely has poor boundries when it comes to that.
They really CRIED at their
They really CRIED at their dad not coming to their grad party? Most kids would prefer NO parents and just want their friends.
Right, exactly! My SS even
Right, exactly! My SS even told DH that he wanted me (his SM that he won't even converse with unless he needs something) to come to the party also because I... (wait for it)... raised him...sniff...tear running down his cheek.
My SD was a little more obviously manipulative. To me at any rate. DH doesn't see it. She asked him to supply the sandwiches even if he wouldn't go.
Ha... "she will probably be
Ha... "she will probably be fine"!
I actually hope that she is for everyone involved.
It doesn't mean that my concern for my own self is unfounded if she manages to be fine. I think that will be thrown at me by DH (Hypothetical - 'see, everything was fine. You are such a drama queen. And you abandoned my children on their special day'...etc).
I'm going to just have to trust my insticts and stay out.
Thanks for the support!
Your DH is trying to
Your DH is trying to manipulate you just like the twins manipulated him. No. I would tell DH he is on his own if he goes to the party. What sane person goes voluntarily into a hostile, potentially violent environment?!
Of course you shouldn't go
And neither should your DH. Neither of you will likely be safe there and your DH's diminished physical abilities due to the MS will not allow him to effectively protect himself if necessary.
I think the two of your should stick to the nice dinner plan for the four of you and communicate to the TwinSkids why the two of you won't be attending BM's graduation party for them.
Neither you nor DH should allow the emotions to overwhelm good sense in this situation.