Do any of you help take care of the Bio mom's other child/children?
I've posted in here a few times. But my live-in SO has a 7 year old daughter with his ex (they were never married). I love his daughter. However, my SO's ex has a toddler son with her new husband. My SO likes her toddler son and offered to babysit her son all day this past weekend. He didn't ask me if that was okay because he assumed it would be.
He ended up watching her son all day on Saturday. Since he didn't ask me ahead of time and sprung it on me the day before, I went out to lunch with my mom, then went shopping and then ran some errands. He was alone with his daughter and his ex's son for almost five hours while I was gone. When I got back, her son was there for another two hours so I helped out then.
Anyway, we had a disagreement over whether that was okay. He feels that his ex's kid she had with her husband is still his daughter's brother and he feels like he should help out. I don't agree because I wouldn't want his ex watching our kid by herself, without me there.
I've never dated a single father before so I have absolutely no idea how this works. Do any of you help your SOs/husbands/wives out with their ex's child or children from another parent? I felt like such a baby hater this past weekend, but to be honest..I love babies, I just got this sprung on me the day before and it was ALL DAY! I wanted to spend the day with my SO and his daughter, not with his ex's child. Am I being selfish? Is this something that I just have to deal with?
Oh this is a tricky one. I
Oh this is a tricky one.
I have a half brother (via my BM), theres a 12 year age gap between us. I lived with my father, he never offered to babysit my half brother BUT he did always make a point of telling me that I shouldnt feel like living with my father would hinder my relationship with my brother and did, on occasion offer to allow my half brother over for me to spend time with him. (When I went through a period of bad contact between myself and my BM).
Just before moving abroad to move in with my now DH, I lived back with my father for 3 months after ending my rental contract and getting things in order. Again during that time my father made it clear that I was able to bring my half brother over if I wanted to.
So whilst I personally couldnt see myself babysitting an exes child, I can see how your SO felt it was no big deal (or rather, that its more important that his daughter has a good relationship with her brother)
The thing I do have an issue with is more that he agreed and arranged without mentioning it to you.
If you arent comfortable with it then thats what needs to be dealt with and a solution found.
How often is SD with BM and her half brother? Why does SO need to be overseeing time with both? Was this a one off to help BM out or is your SO also thinking of including the boy in days outs/etc?
My SO and his ex both see
My SO and his ex both see their daughter equally. My SO gets 4 days per week, and she gets 3 days per week. So my SO's daughter sees her brother a lot during the week. It isn't like she only sees her mom every other weekend and doesn't get to see her brother that often. If that were the case, then I would probably be more fine with it. But she sees both families equally pretty much and we spend holidays and birthdays together.
Apparently, this is going to be a one-off type of thing, since I made it clear that I wasn't comfortable with it. It was more that he didn't even ask me ahead of time. I would think that even if we were just a normal married couple, that he would still ask me - "hey, I offered to watch my friend, Joe's kid for the day, do we have anything planned?"
But he just offered to babysit and they agreed to this weekend on their own, without including me in the conversation. And then he didn't even bother to find out from what time to what time. He was just "oh, it is just an hour or two." It was all day, from 1 to after 8 at night. That was the main issue. I was ready to just bite the bullet and help him out with the baby. But then that morning, I found out that it was all day and I got peeved. And then I just made plans for part of the day, which was probably immature but I was so angry at that point.
Edited to add - he is not planning in including the baby on outings. He likes being able to do fun activities with his 7 year old daughter and wouldn't want to carry a baby around. So this was just a one-time (hopefully) babysitting thing to help out the ex. I've since apologized to him for not being there most of the day. I was just hurt that he didn't bother to ask me ahead of time, that he went out of his way to do something for HER, and that he basically lied and said it would only be for an hour or two when it was all day. But I swallowed my anger and apologized.
Don't apologize for not being
Don't apologize for not being there all day. He offered to babysit and HE did. It was a toddler and his own 7yr old daughter. He's a big boy now and he can handle two kids. If he wants to spend his day off babysitting, pfft, let him. Doesn't mean you have to sit home. A day of lunch and shopping with your mom was fine.
"hey, I offered to watch my friend, Joe's kid for the day, do we have anything planned?"
Watch how you broach this 'plans' thing with your husband. You inadvertently indicate its ok for you to make plans for 'us' on Saturday and not discuss and/or 'ask' about the 'plans' you've made with him for him (we/us) before 'last minute' (Thursday). But also indicting it's not ok for him to do so.
My ex husband and his wife
My ex husband and his wife have kept my toddler on his custody days but I paid them money same as I would any sitter.
I'm finding more and more
I'm finding more and more that this is a common thing. It isn't necessarily required, but it is going the extra mile to ensure that the child has a good relationship with the other sibling. I will adjust my thoughts on this. I don't have a child right now, but I can't imagine that I would be happy to give my child to my SO's ex, without me there. But whatever is best for the kids is a priority for me, since they come first.
I'm glad I researched this because I was so upset and thought that it was CRAZY to watch your ex's child that she had with someone else. But I see the error in my thoughts. Now I feel super guilty for being away that day
Also they came to me and
Also they came to me and asked . It wasn't my idea. I was paying a crap load of money to babysitters last summer. $100 a day , two days in a row pretty much all summer and they wanted to earn money for something or the other. They already couldn't go anywhere cause they had my three children with ex husband for his custody days or if they could go somewhere it would be the park. so they said the money I was spending would be benefiting my other 3 children and my baby could be with her sisters and I agreed. But no, I wouldn't drop off my baby for them to watch for free or expect it.
Also I am 7 years divorced.
Also I am 7 years divorced. The pain of him cheating on me has long since faded. He was a very good dad to our children. And still is of course. I like his new wife. she is very friendly to me and loves my children and they love her.
I would like to add cause I don't think you are crazy for your feelings is when DD19month father takes her over to see her sisters to BM's house (his ex wife) i get horrific anxiety but that's because she was a super witch when I became pregnant and calls my baby a snot nosed *Astard. They are a high conflict divorced couple.
My ex husband and I are not. We are totally at meh.