I think she's being unreasonable and crazy. And immature. I'm 40 and I turn 41 in July if that helps. I also have 50/50 custody. If you havne't left anything out on past incidents, then Quit answering her texts and don't fight with her. You didn't do anything wrong but go to a football game for your child whereupon your ex wife and her new boyfriend were present at.

Any good therapist is going to let her have it. But don't you reward her very childish and bad behavior by continuing to allow her to beat you up for being there for your child.

IT's grown up time for her. And if she can't be a grown up, then its time for you to find another girlfriend.

No, you did nothing wrong. Sadly your GF bared her own ass as a immature characterless twit. Time to end this text for tat crap and send her one last text. "I am done discussing this by text. I love you but if you want to communicate then pick up the phone or come over and talk. If you are not mature enough to do that then buh-bye."

Then if she engages engage. If she doesn't, move on and good riddance.

You are not spending Sunday's with your XW. You are spending that time at your son's game. Big difference. You were courteous by letting GF know that your X and her BF would be there. GF is manipulating. Don't stand for it.

If your XW and her BF are being reasonable then you have to hold your own partner to that same standard IMHO. Confrong the toxic elements of a blended family equation. Even if those toxic elements are on your side of the blended family fense.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

I think it's admirable that you, XW and her BF can all get along. THAT is what's best for kids.

I think going to your kid's football game where your XW and her BF will be is totally fine.

I think chatting with your XW and her BF at said football game is also fine.

I need more information about the interaction between you and your XW before I can make a determination about whether or not that interaction was inappropriate, but my hunch says you and your XW get along fine and the interaction was probably just "hey, what's new, this is soandso, my boyfriend, hey did you see that play?" kinda stuff.

I think your girlfriend is probably not the girl for you if peaceful co-parenting sends her over the edge.

Did you just happen to see your ex at the game and chat for a few minutes? Or did you make plans to go spend the day with your ex at the game? Big difference. I would be MAJOR pissed if my DH made plans to spend the day with BM - even if her husband was sitting next to them.

Being at the same event and speaking for a few minutes in passing would not bother me. I went to a ballgame last night. I laughed and talked with my seatmates the entire game (baseball has a lot of down time). I ran into a cousin and we talked for 10 minutes. No way one could compare the experience I had with the person sitting next to me the entire game and the person I talked to for 10 minutes.

As for her just ignoring you - maybe this is the culmination of other things that bother her and she is really done. If so she should just tell you that it's over.

Right or wrong - when I am done - I am DONE. I have no interest in ever even speaking to that person again - other than a civil hello if forced to be in the same area. The best way to get over someone who is just not right for you - especially if you still feel love for them - is to just remove them from your life.

I have no idea what the exact situation is for you - and you probably don't either. But just remember you BOTH have a choice about continuing the relationship.

She won't even talk to you about if face to face?

Your GF is being unreasonable, jealous, and immature.

I don't think she needs a counselor to tell her if she should stay with you or not (frankly, that's a decision YOU should be thinking about) but I do think she needs counseling because she obviously has some issues.

I just can't see what you did wrong. Even if I wrack my brain and try assign you some blame by reading between the lines, I just can't figure out what her problem was. The only thing i can think of is she somehow thought you would spend the day with her out of some weird view of loyalty?

One thing i did think was a little odd is that you hadn't met her BF of like 3 years. I figure you would have wanted to meet someone your kids spent time with, even if it was just briefly saying hello. The same goes for your GF and your EX. Introductions probably should have been made at some point.

You went to your kid's sporting event. Your kid's mother was there with her BOYFRIEND. You met and said hello to both. Wow, what is wrong with you? Nothing.

I had a slightly different situation in that my DH continued to go to his EX FIL (from his first marriage that produced no kids) for dental work. The EX was a hygienist there and I pretty much demanded he not let her work on his teeth. It was a small town dentist so not really another good choice and he still got along with the FIL who acknowledged that his daughter had issues. (another twist was DH's MOTHER worked for that same Dentist until she retired a year ago) Problem ultimately solved when I found a new dentist for him closer to where we live.

I cannot see where what you did was wrong and agree with others that your gf is being unreasonable and extremely immature.

I am also wondering if her "hurt" is because she raised her daughter without help from the biodad and, therefore, expects you to have zero contact with your ex.

FWIW, my GF has one teenaged daughter from a guy who was basically a not serious relationship. She has raised her daughter on her own and has done a pretty good job of it. My GF has never been in a serious, long term relationship, never been married, never lived with a man before (we currently don't live together either).

I feel like maybe we're not getting the whole story.

First of all, have you never been in the same place/at the same event as your ex while dating your girlfriend (whether she was or wasn't there?) Because why would you be "warning her" that your ex would be there?

Second, why have you not met your ex's BF of three years until this game? I find it hard to believe that you wouldn't have all been at the same event together before this one if she has been with him for three years already.

If you've given us the whole story, I can't understand why your gf would be upset about this game in particular, because the only thing different about it was meeting the bf, correct? Did you act emotional at all? Jealous?

She seems pretty unbalanced to me. I don't think you did anything out of line, and don't see why it would be a big deal to have cordial words with your ex and her new BF at your child's game. That is how it should be. Maybe she doesn't grasp this because the father of her child has not been around? Either way, she is overreacting to a NON issue.

Is she 5?

It sounds like your GF bottles things up and then explodes. That makes it hard to figure out what's really going on. Because she's reacting to a whole chain of events, but other people can only see an over-reaction to one event.

Assuming she's otherwise a nice, normal woman... and assuming you're also an otherwise nice, normal guy - do you think you can find a grain of truth in what she says?

For example - texting about the kids only. Check out the website ShitMyBMSays to see one ex-wife who sent her ex-husband several hundred emails and texts per year, which were almost all about their shared child. Obviously, they weren't really about the kid, they were about the ex-wife still acting like she was still married to her ex-husband, instead of co-parenting.

Because it sounds like your GF is not comfortable with your boundaries with your ex-wife. But you're comfortable. So now you have to choose. Choose your happy, comfortable relationship with your ex-wife, or go through some growing pains to figure something different out with this GF (or the next).

I agree with the others. You did nothing wrong.

Yes, those are red flags that your gf hasn't been in a long-term relationship or lived with anyone at her age. (Just my opinion, but I do think you get set in your ways by the time your 40. Harder to share a life, etc.)

It sounds to me she is prone to drama, and who wants that?

My DH did not have an amicable divorce, and I still wish he had gone to more of his daughter's activities. The very first time I met my DH's xw, I had to sit between the two of them at SD's high school graduation. (How did I get so unlucky when everyone sat down?!) While it was a terrible experience, I did not blame it on my husband.

This gf needs to get over herself. I hope she gets into therapy. While it's easy to say "go find someone else", in this case, OP may be better off. Definitely do not marry her before living together and learning how to deal with activities. I hope she she gets over it for both your sakes.

I am sorry that you are hurt, now that she has broken up with you, but good riddance, I say.

It would have gotten much worse had you married, she really would've thought she owned you, then. And she would have definitely upped her manipulation tactics and eventually forced you to choose between her and your kids.

I suppose she expected you to skip all of your kids' events, graduations, weddings, etc.? What a nutcase.

Frankly, with her level of immaturity, I'm surprised you two were together for 3 years. I mean, to refuse to talk to you, just text? Is that what you are looking for in a relationship?

There are more mature women out there, trust me.

.

Hi All..I'm the GF of the man who did the original post. I have just copied and pasted the post that I entered on the site a while back (under blended family issues). I just thought it would be good if you all had both sides of the story. As of right this minute we are broken up because I am having issues with feeling like there is no room in the relationship for me.

Hi All,
I have been dating my BF for 3 yrs with talks of marriage etc. He has a 6 &12 yr old. I have a 17 yr old daughter. My issue is that there is an underlying tone and feeling that my feelings will always come last over the ex/kids/ex family etc. I feel like my BF is way too involved with the ex and cares too much about the relationship with the ex. He is not interested in the ex.. just wants to keep it friendly with her. I almost feel that he cares about it more than our relationship. Here's whats happening and you all can tell me if this is excessive contact with an ex or not.

-My BF texts daily with the ex .. some probably necessary some not. Usually about scheduling with some personal info thrown in. The ex need money for sneakers, or whatever.
-I believe they still have a shared bank account so that he can give her $$ for the kids.
-I feel she is texting a lot.. at least a couple of times when I'm with him.. and we don't live together so I would imagine there is more I'm not seeing.
-she seems to offer up personal info about her life, and her BF or whatever.. at times my BF has asked her personal stuff. Maybe out of curiosity .. IDK.
-schedules change a lot... much texting is going on about this.. it goes on and on an on......
-She does his taxes for him. I'm sure there is a lot of back and forth about that.. IDK.
-They do kids b-day gifts together at times. They chip in to get gifts. I get them a gift on my own. The text and conversations can go on and on about this. He has never asked me once if I wanted to join in with him to get the kids something which I would love to do.
-he at times visits with his exes family. I don't go with him.
-at kids events he stand and chats with the ex for the entire time. I have yet to attend an event when she has been there as there have not been any events till now.

More troublesome is really his reaction when i try to speak to him about all of this. I have hear "well i have and ex and kids", if you don't like it dump me or too bad or whatever. Although he has made some minor adjustments this is an extremely touchy topic for him. He is very protective of his relationship it seems with the ex.

What I'm hearing from him is that he needs to keep his ex happy etc for his kids. I understand that kids are a priority and that adults need to be civil etc but I think what's happening is overkill. The BF has made some adjustments since we have been together. The ex does not come in the house anymore and her parents don't stay with him anymore for a week at a time.. we argued about these two things for weeks.

We went to a counselor yesterday and all he could talk about was his kids and his ex and how important it was to keep all of that good and in check.. ok that's all good but what about me and my feelings.?? So i basically just sat there and cried. I don't feel like there is room for me in this relationship. I feel like he is still married to his ex. I told him what i want is for him to just have the very basic contact with her and nothing else.... which will not happen.. He says i'm jealous.. but I'm not. What I am is extremely sad and feeling like there is no space for our relationship to move forward.

So how do i get over these feelings of feeling last etc and move forward in our relationship? I understand that kids basic needs come first, but after that your spouse/partner should come fist.. not your relationship with your ex. He says this stuff is all in my head etc?

Maybe some of you step mothers out there have some advice? I'm beginning to think I'm not cut out for this.. IDK anymore.

but how would we come to middle ground on these issues? What would be the solution?

There are times where I have not wanted to talk.. this is true. He get extremely defensive when I bring this stuff up and he just wants to defend what he is doing because he believes that what he does is okay.. and maybe it is okay for him and his existing family.. but what about me??

That is why I wanted to talk to the counselor to see if there is a solution or if I can just handle things the way they are right now. Is there any way a counselor could help me accept things as they are?? I also did not want to fight non stop.. I just wanted to talk in counseling.

I am totally with ECHO on this one. ^^^^ ALL of this^^^^

It is one thing to go to a game that your ex is at, it is completely different to sit with the ex the whole game. I can't imagine having to sit with my ex through a while entire game and they were (ex and boyfriend) probably thinking they wished you got the hell out of there too.

Your girlfriend probably thinks you're a piece of work because she raised a kid by herself and you can't even go to a game without chumming with the ex and her new boyfriend.

I see it the way she does, you need some boundaries and while you are comfortable with the way it is, your girlfriend, or now ex girlfriend is NOT. SO, now YOU get to figure out what is more worth it, hanging with the ex for the whole game or walking by and saying hi and sitting somewhere else.

He is not willing to work things out. He wants me to stay out of his business with the ex. He has already stated in his list above he will change nothing..

I try to talk to you and you just defend what you do.. I'm done talking.

Maybe I am wrong and hopefully your lady friend will correct me if I am but did she literally tell you that you could NOT go to the game if the ex was there? OR was the test to see if you would sit with the ex entire duration of the game?

If it was a test, pop quiz, wth ever you failed it miserably and exactly what are your feelings? You really think it is acceptable to sit the entire duration of the game with your ex wife and for your new woman to think it is okay because it is "for the kids"? The kid that wasn't even with you but out playing the sport you came to watch.

The next one is going to dump you too if you keep doing the same things.

I just googled "why do people cheat":

The first explanation is probably the most well known: Spouses cheat because of problems in their relationship. Something is missing, passion has faded, partners feel lonely, a partner finds someone who treats them better or who appreciates them more than their current spouse, and so on.

You acting like you had no part in why she cheated is just as crazy as you not being able to admit you should have said hi to ex and BF then found a place real far away to sit and watch your child's sporting event.

I hate the idea of placing blame on someone else when a spouse cheats. The person who cheats is 100% responsible for his/her actions.

Blaming the OP is no different than blaming an abused woman for her husband knocking her around.

Regardless of what the OP may have done in his marriage, he didn't play a part in his ex making the choice to sleep with someone else.

There are posters here who have husbands who cheated on them with BMs. Are we going to tell those women that they played a part in the stupid decision their husbands made?

I understand what you are saying Disneyfan but I feel diffently, I believe that 50% of divorces that end because of cheating usually end bc of something the other spouse is or not doing so people look outside of their marriage.

I'm huge on personal responsibility. You can't make poor choices, then point the finger at others. The OP may very well be a top rate jack ass. But he can't be blamed for his wife jumping into bed with someone else while they were still married.

You can't make someone cheat, abuse you, use drugs, drink....we are all 100% responsible for our actions/choices

OP should not be dating anyone, he has not moved on and his ex still wants to hold on to him territorially.

My best friend FINALLY broke up with a dude just like this. He had been divorced 8 years, the kid was a teen, and he did stuff with his ex wife constantly for the sake of the kid. Has lost multiple gfs. Has gone to counseling with my friend and still doesn't "understand" what he's doing wrong.

What a joke.

Gosh, I'm truly sorry if we just witnessed a breakup over something that can so clearly be resolved if people stopped being stubborn. I hope you do talk it over again, and here are some points to consider when asking what you can do differently-

Tek- yes, you need to communicate with your ex regarding the children. You do not need to communicate all day long about the children. No one's life is that chaotic, not even if you had 10 kids together. So get organized and then set a pattern of limited contact. It's only hard if you don't actually want to do it. That's the question you need to answer for yourself.

Tek - yes, you need to go to the kids' games even when ex and BF are there. And your GF should go too, but only if you don't leave her to go mingle with others in the crowd (especially the ex). If GF goes to support you and your kid, then you need to support her right back. Guaranteed she doesn't go now because she envisions being abandoned by you as you go and chat with the ex. Trust me- that feeling is a killer, which is why GF won't put herself in the position to feel it. The first game she goes to, promise you won't leave her side. She will get more comfortable with time, but until then she needs you to make her feel safe.

Tek- stop doing joint presents with your ex. It's just another way to keep GF on the outside of her own relationship.

Tek- whatever the financial connections are with the ex, make sure they are as bare minimum as necessary. We have an account number to transfer funds. That's all you should have as well.

Good luck. I hope it works out.

Well, we are getting two different versions of what's going on.

The GF thinks that there is too much communication with the ex, you feel there is not. The truth is probably somewhere in between but I think your GF feels that you communicate with your ex more than you do with her. I think she feel left out of the relationship and seems to know little about what is really going on so she thinks the worst. The shared bank account is an example. You say you and the ex don't share a bank account, for some reason, your GF thought you did (and I will admit, that is what did it for me in her other post).

She seems to think that not all of your communication with the ex is about your kid but some personal stuff, also. Is that true?

The two of you don't live together so I am open to the fact that she exaggerates and assumes some things but that's why the two of you have to TALK about it.

More troublesome is really his reaction when i try to speak to him about all of this. I have hear "well i have and ex and kids", if you don't like it dump me or too bad or whatever.

^^That's what she said is your response when she tried to talk to you about it. No reassurances, no willingness to hear her out or tell her your side and explain what's really going on. If that's how you reacted, it makes her suspect that her assumptions are correct.

I do not necessarily agree that you HAVE to sit as far away as possible from your ex at your kid's games. I know plenty of split parents that sit fairly close, if not together. I also know some that do sit far apart because they don't get along at all. Whatever works. To me, that is the least of the issues, but that is just me.

I don't think your GF is jealous but it seems she is a little insecure and just wants some indication that she and her feelings mean something to you.

It may very well be that you are not suited for each other, just because you have such different perspectives on what is going on.

"I have said my GF has never been married nor had a serious BF/relationship before"

Perhaps she doesn't want to be married or be in a long term serious relationship and she is using this as an excuse to to get out.

Here's the solution:

Block ex from cell phone.
Communicate via email only.
Get cell phone for son to communicate with you if there is a REAL problem.

If you are not willing to do this, you need to ask yourself why.

Pfft. Such drama queens.

Are the two of you getting the attention the both of you were obviously seeking? You two are acting (sounding?) like all the skids always vented about here.

Tek, stop chasing ajp1999. Too high maintenance for where you as a father of young children need to be.

Ajp1999, he's incompatible to what you seek in a relationship... you two aren't in the same place in your lives. Neither is wrong, neither is right. Just poor choices in partners . Different goals. Different priorities.

When I first started reading this, I knew there had to be another side and it was likely inappropriate boundaries. I realize I'm a bit late to this party, but here is what I've learned after being in several long term relationships. Right and wrong do not matter. If someone you're in a relationship is hurt over your behavior, that is all that matters. What are you willing to do, to fix the hurt feelings? Reach a compromise on things. You don't want to bend on a lot of things and that's not going to work in any relationship. Yes you need to communicate with your ex, about the kids, not about her current relationship or why her relationships are ending. Keep the content strictly about the kids, never about your personal lives. Period. Involve your current gf in discussions about the kids, talk to your gf about the kids, make her feel included. If I were your gf, after all of this inappropriateness, I wouldn't be satisfied with keeping conversations about the kids. I'd want limited contact with the ex, only when necessary, emergencies or something big happened. A set schedule, which I believe is better for the kids anyway, would limit a lot of the back and forth chatter between exs. I'd want you to stop sitting with your ex all the time and seeing your ex's family aside to pick up kids and meet in a neutral place, not someone's home. The taxes you've agreed to, which I think is wise. I question you allowing your ex to have control of such an important thing for your place in society. Bank account is also ridiculous. Go through the courts about financial stuff or you could be sorry you didn't. And is it true you want everyone to be a big happy family? While I can understand that desire, it isn't practical. You split from your ex, you now have two different families with common children. Your gf may very well be insecure about this situation, but I don't blame her for feeling that way. I would be too. You've completely disregarded how she feels for what you want, you up to this point haven't compromised because you feel you're right. I will repeat what I said earlier, right and wrong don't matter. You can't win an argument with your partner, because someone winds up hurt. If someone is hurt, no one wins. Fix the hurt and compromise, both of you.

Sounds like your GF is super ultra sensitive. You didn't do anything wrong. You did everything right in this situation. She's taking it hard and out of context for some reason. I'm sure there is a reason she's never been married or in a serious relationship at 41 years old. She shuts down the minute she gets hurt or offended. Clear sign of damaged goods. She has some hang ups that have nothing to do with you. Up to you whether you think she's worth the drama.

HI All,
Just an update. This is the GF from the original post. This relationship has ended. I'm truly heartbroken as this was the love of my life and i don't think I will ever be able to move on at this point. This man just could not put me or my feelings 1st which is basically why the relationship ended. Basically towards the end he told me that if I had just met the mom of his kids and he could have made sure that everything went good with that that we could have moved on in our relationship. Like our relationship depended on the ex and if she liked me or not etc. I never had any problems with actually meeting her.... it was always the way HE delt with her. The other part of this that hasn't been discussed on this site is that he has been telling me he wants to marry me for about 2.5 years now with still no sign of commitment. Due to this I just have not been feeling secure with this relationship. Anyway folks.. that's a wrap. my heart is broken. I just can't believe that this man that claimed to love me and want to be with me forever could not just stop doing some of the minor things with his ex that hurt me. he just could not do it. It's very very hurtful. I'm beginning to wonder if he ever loved me at all.

thanks for listening folks.. I guess I just had to get some things out in writing..
Any advise for a broken heart.. its really not going to well for me...