Need some quick advice - meeting with ss23 tonight
So, my ss23 (posted earlier that he is not happy to have to move out in a couple months) is now not really even attempting to clean his space or follow our agreements. Or, maybe he IS attempting it, but just not doing a very good job of it - only he knows so I don't want to judge that. My dh is out of town for almost two weeks for work, and ss is still here during the work week (M-F) as he has been for almost a year. I am not very comfortable with it, but DH thought to ask him to stay at his mom's would just reinforce his "feelings of rejection" that he used to lay a guilt trip on dh over setting a move-out date. DH has been pretty solid about this as I've said, so didn't want to make a fuss.
SS23 came home last night after the weekend with gf and bm. Comes in, pretty much ignores me and my grandson8, who adores him. Well, okay. He wasn't downright rude at least. Makes a pan of macaroni and takes the whole thing downstairs to his room. fine. Talks about himself to gf on facetime til about 10:15...even though we've told him repeatedly this needs to be done by about 9:30. I called down "goodnight" to give a big hint but he had his earphones in. By about 10pm it is winding down because he starts talking baby talk and sort of 'singing' to her. GAG. BARF.
My room is right above his in our tiny house, so I hear it all, can't even read in peace. did I mention GAG?
This morning, looking for my pan to use, sure enough still down there on his desk with a dishtowel over it - empty and dirty - gross. He usually washes his dishes pretty quick, so I am wondering if this has anything to do with dh being gone...I was tempted to leave it on his bed, but thought better of it, brought it upstairs and put it to soak.
I then texted him and said "I'll ask that your space be clean by no later than 8pm tonight, and let me know when it's done. Then we will need to have a brief conversation. Thanks."
He SIGNED an agreement with ME that his space would be kept clean and organized, laundry done, etc. if he wanted to live here. I am NOT a perfectionist and as long as I've seen he is at least making some attempt and it is "sorta" picked up, I've pretty much let it go - reminded him a couple of times and that's it. I've probably been way too lax - he's not paying rent or utilities, and has no excuse whatsoever - he's a perfectly healthy guy, just a pig. He bathes once a week (GROSS - the bathtub is disgusting after he is done, and he has never cleaned it). His laundry smells, his bed smells. He only bathes before the weekend to go see girlfriend - gee I wonder why. :sick:
Anyway, called dh this morning and let him know gently what was going on. He TOTALLY had my back! I can't believe it. He said he was not going to allow ss to treat his wife like that. That when I talk to ss, if I don't think he is keeping the agreement, boot his azz out. He said, yeah, he'll be mad and pull his victim crap, but you just have to let it go. It's time.
YAY! So, any ideas on how to talk to ss23 in the least destructive, but boundary honoring way? This is MY boundary, and I have to step up, but I'm nervous!
Ha! I like that stepmeanie!
Ha! I like that stepmeanie!
Your DH is backing you; now
Your DH is backing you; now is the time to show how much you appreciate his support. You need to do exactly as your DH tells you, with control and confidence.
Just stay calm and FIRM. Have boundaries to present to SS; not a big list, but important boundaries that cover all areas. If SS23 starts his victim crap, just stick to the agenda and state this is your position and you are not going to discuss the past nor argue with him; "this is the way it is and will be in the future". Tell SS "end of conversation", then follow thru with your boundaries and stick to them from that time forward.
Communicate with your DH on your boundaries and all follow-up conversation.
It's like saying "No" for the first time; it gets easier. I know, I've set boundaries and I AM sticking to them. It is not easy and kids, as well as DH's, always seem to push it, even in the future. Just stick to your rules and I mean STICK TO THEM.
Sounds like your DH is supporting you, go for it! You will feel so much better and YOU will be in control of your own home.
Good Luck.
Don't be nervous, he will
Don't be nervous, he will sense that and try to use it to his advantage.
Besides, you have no reason to be nervous. This is your home, your rules, and he is TWENTY THREE years old, not three.
Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Ha - you are right. One
Ha - you are right. One lives in hope. We did see some improvement for a few months when he started dating gf - so we hoped he was finally "getting it". I mean, lots of guys are kinda pigs in the dorm, because, well, I don't know why. eeeuuuwww. And then they grow out of it or the girlfriend sets them straight. Hiw own mom threatened to kick him out when he was in high school for the same behaviors, but of course relented (she has a nasty temper, so she explodes then doesn't follow through). We have been patient and tried to use logic - I guess that's not working - duh!!!
You: SS-23 come her for a
You: SS-23 come her for a minute. We discussed previously about your approaching move out date. I want to discuss that with you your personal hygiene and basic housekeeping performance since the last time we spoke of these things. Frankly you are not keeping either yourself or your space in this home clean and it smells. This is impacting the other residents in the house and your dad and I will no longer tolerate it.
You are 23yo and no longer a child. Your decisions regarding how you keep yourself and the space you occupy have consequences and it is time that you own your decisions and actions and either the consequences or benefits for those decisions and actions.
So, from now until your already stipulated move out date your status as a resident in this home is day to day. If at any point there is a mess or an unacceptable odor attributable to you, you may be told to leave immediately. Please do not force our hands on this issue. Go shower, do your laundry, wash your sheets and towels, clean your space, and clean any messes you make when you make them.
Any questions... Beuler, Beuler? Okay... buh bye.
Love it!!!
Love it!!!
"So SS you feel abandoned and
"So SS you feel abandoned and rejected? Well get used to it. Because normal human beings are going to reject a stinky worthless pig."
Rags - I liked your reply so
Rags - I liked your reply so much I have borrowed most of it and drafted what to say to ss23 tonight!!...here it is:
We discussed previously about your approaching move out date. I want to discuss your personal hygiene and basic housekeeping performance since the last time we spoke of these things. You are not keeping either yourself or your space in this home clean. The mess and the odor has been impacting all of us and this will no longer be tolerated.
You are almost 24 years old and no longer a child. Your decisions regarding how you keep yourself and the space you occupy have consequences; it is time that you own your decisions and actions and either the consequences or benefits for those decisions and actions.
So, from now until your already stipulated move out date, your status as a resident in this home is day to day. If at any point there is a mess or an unacceptable odor attributable to you, you may be told to leave immediately. Please do not force our hands on this issue. Go shower, do your laundry, wash your sheets and towels, clean your space. Clean any messes (including the bathtub after you use it) and wash any dishes you make when you make them. Every day. No excuses.
Furthermore, no phone after 9 pm, as previously and repeatedly requested. Period. I don’t care if dad and I are having alone time in the living room or watching a show or having a party, for that matter.
Our house, our rules.
If you do not like the rules, you are welcome to pack up and move tonight, no hard feelings. Totally up to you. Otherwise, the above rules will remain in place until you decide what you want to do.
I spoke to your father this morning and he is aware of the conversation we are going to have. He supports my decision.