pregs + worried about bio mom/support

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Hi, I'm new here As mentioned above, I'm pregnant and my partner (not married) has 2 kids with his ex + pays alimony/child support. It was decided on 7 years ago at the peak of his employment- since then he has started a new company and it's been super difficult getting it off the ground. In the last 5 years, we've sacrificed not being able to go on vacation, had to give up his car, he doesn't have furniture in his apartment- lately it's been bad enough we really can't afford to do much at all.

However BM (does not work) gets 12k a month and she has run it into the ground. Even with that amount guaranteed, she went into tremendous cc debt which had to be settled recently- I really don't know where it goes. My partner is a kind, big-hearted generous man who sees it as providing for the boys and not providing for her. He does not want to take her to court, as she's so volatile, he's worried about how it will affect the boys and her emotional state impacting them.

Meanwhile, I'm pregnant and already worried about upcoming expenses and things we will need, etc., resentful that she's so well provided for, doesn't put it to good use, etc. (not to mention frightened of her reaction when she learns about the baby.)

I guess my question is- it seems I have a right to child support after our baby is born. The last thing I want to do is bring this into a court system when my partner is not willing to do so, but I just want to start to learn about my/our options. I'd be grateful for any advice or experience with any of this.

Thanks

Yes and yes. Ok thank you for

Yes and yes. Ok thank you for this.

I want a fair amount to be

I want a fair amount to be paid so that we have expenses for our own family.

Well first, I'm 39 so I

Well first, I'm 39 so I didn't have all the time in the world to wait for all to get into order. As a woman, you don't really have that luxury of knowing that. And I love someone and wanted to have a child. I don't think it's completely unreasonable to inquire about an even distribution of resources for children. Even if a family was all together, it's likely a 3rd child would "take away" from the other 2, depending on how one framed or perceived it.

An obligation that large seems unfair and disproportionate. I'm simply inquiring about options for a more even distribution.

Believe me I tried, but there

Believe me I tried, but there wasn't really the impetus as much as there as now. Nor was I as invested (or hormonal) about it as I am now.
I hear you. Thanks.

Yes, of course we've

Yes, of course we've discussed all these things. And yes, she will probably fight tooth and nail for the funds. But life circumstances change for any variety of reasons, and we all need to go with what happens and adjust. Had she still been married to him, she would be dealing with the direct impact, rather than being protected by an agreement.

And I respect your opinion on what you believe that reality is, but I've seen a lot of back and forth on these boards about this: I really don't think just because a man made a financial obligation once that he should give up on love and expansion of his family for the rest of his life. He also spent tons of money on IVF giving her these children, which he thought would make her happy, and it did not.

His kids adore me and all of us together are the best shot they have at something really positive. I'm not looking to not provide for the children or leave his ex destitute. I'm saying he should be able to have appropriate amounts for himself.

I hear you. I'm not going to

I hear you. I'm not going to get into all the facts of the new business but it would be near impossible to say he willingly underemployed- he just started a new company that hasn't paid off as well yet. Ironically, part of the issue in getting to the black was needing to secure personal loans so that the ex could be paid what she is legally due.
I'm just trying to get all input so I can sit down with the numbers and see if there is really a possibility of amendment.

Thing is, if they were still

Thing is, if they were still married she would have had some input to his going out on his own.

If he voluntarily left his previous job to start his business, a court is unlikely to give him much leeway. If he was let go w/o cause, then he really should have filed for a mod at that time. The court may be more sympathetic. The SS can be trickier than the CS, as much depends on the whys. If it is part of a property settlement (for example), the amount won't change, but it should end at some point.

The state also matters.

ok, than you for the input.

That is the correct amount

That is the correct amount per year, yes he was making a lot at the time and is not making near enough now to cover that as well as his expenses. That's what I'm saying-- his own lifestyle has been significantly compromised- for a long time he did not even have an apartment, and it's all been in the name of sacrifice. IMO- far too much sacrifice.

No, he has his own apartment

No, he has his own apartment now- I just moved in recently. Now I'm starting to contribute here and provide furnishings etc. Right now he is a couple of months behind-- he is still making money obviously, just not nearly as much as he was previously making when the money was court ordered. He even knew he was overpaying at the time, but the the entire process was such a strain, he let it be, thinking he was doing it for the kids.

Yes, hence my problem.

Oh my goodness, your

Oh my goodness, your situation sounds heart-wrenching. Thank you for sharing that. I feel you; sounds very familiar.
Ok, that is terrific advice. Thank you so much for your time and input I appreciate it.

I am already feeling that. I

I am already feeling that. I appreciate these responses so much! THANK YOU. best to you too!

This is my experience and two

This is my experience and two cents - I'm a 40 year old woman who has a baby (unplanned btw) with a man I had dated/lived with for 5 or 6 years and he has/had two teen daughters and pays his ex wife $1000 a month in child support and pays for a lot of other things like health insurance and half of medical for a child with diabetes and car insurance for a 16 year old and you know, all the other stuff. I get nothing.

I don't know what state you live in and I haven't hired an attorney but I know that in my state children born later on to different mothers just get the scraps if anything at all.

So I support my baby by myself. I pay her $700 a month childcare. I pay for her diapers and milk. I pay everything all by myself. and yes, his ex wife was really, really snotty about the baby when i was pregnant and after she was born. She made ugly remarks to the teen daughters who haven't always been nice to my now 19 month old daughter. One will call her a snot nosed little bastard.

and yes I hear about the fabulous vacations that the ex wife takes and the wild crazy shopping sprees of the teens with all that money dd19month's dad gives them but I love my baby very desperately and you know maybe one day when those kids age out, I'll see cause they turn 15 and 17 this year but he and I work at the same place and make roughly the same amount of money . I don't do child support with my ex husband of my older three daughters because we do 50/50. I just work hard to care of my child and I take pride in the fact that I provide her nice home and excellent nanny. Don't focus on what they have and what you don't have. It'll eat you up. I know it was me who fell pregnant unplanned with someone who already was paying or two teens and had a crazy ex wife. Yes he helped make her but you only get to control you and your actions.

Thank you for sharing your

Thank you for sharing your story. I admire the way you've taken care of your own. I know to try to keep my actions and feelings in "my own lane"-- it's just hard because I still want to stay with my partner and all of the resources from his hard work go elsewhere...

Maybe you can. I am in

Maybe you can. I am in Florida though. It varies for state to state. I'm not even going to try until his kids age out but it's getting close!!!!!!!!!!

that's good news, at least!

Please don't count on him to

Please don't count on him to step up and help when his kids age out. By that time he'll be so used to not supporting your child he'll feel free to use his extra income to buy skids cars, consign loans, or whatever. If you plan on staying in this unhealthy situation you'd better let him know now that when skids age out THEY AGE OUT and not one more penny goes towards them. It'll then be time to help you and he'll be starting out "in arrears"

If he lives in one of the

If he lives in one of the permanent alimony states (NJ and FL come to mind), make him your ex FH. Sadly, if he went back to court they would probably find him voluntarily underemployed and not decrease it. He is also probably on the hook for college? Run away now, support your child and be glad you dodged a bullet.

Wow, that's a lot. We're in

Wow, that's a lot. We're in NY, and alimony is only 2 more years, so that will alleviate a bit, although there's another 14 years of child support.
That's really unfortunate about court-- it's not like he hasn't been working his tail off... It's all complicated. Thanks for your input.

What is the actual CS amount

What is the actual CS amount of the monthly payment (minus alimony) and where does the actual CS amount fall on the state guidelines per his income?

It's 7k a month for child

It's 7k a month for child support. It is supposed to be 25% in NYS for 2 children, but after people make 140k annually, the court can decide whether or not to stick to the percentage guidelines- it's no longer a rule. The 7k he pays right now is FAR more than 25% of this monthly income at this time...

If you are in NY and alimony

If you are in NY and alimony ends in 2 years- all is not lost. Unless he is a guilty daddy. Many of us here are sadly familiar with them. CS goes to 21 in NY, I believe. However CS can be decreased if he is earning less.

He should suck it up for 2 years and find a way to pay the alimony, then petition to get CS lowered.

You, if you marry him, and my advice is not to, until 1. alimony ends and 2. you are sure he is not a guilty daddy and even after that, GET A PRENUP that protects your earnings/assets and protects your child.

Ah, I think I know what you

Ah, I think I know what you mean by guilty daddy, and yes I'm sure he is that-- hopefully not to the extent that is really damaging to our new family and the blending with his boys.
Oh- ok... don't marry him until after alimony? I would have thought that would make a stronger case to lower CS if we need to sooner. I was already thinking to protect my assets. Is there a reasoning for waiting until alimony ends for marriage? Since, you know... pregnant unwed mother and all that.., but I don't have a problem with out of the box circumstances. Obviously.

The reason is, the alimony is

The reason is, the alimony is not likely to be modified due to his lesser income. Did he voluntarily leave his job to start a new business? The court will think so. The reason to wait, is even though in most states a new wife's income is not factored in directly, it can be indirectly in that if you are paying living expenses, the court will believe that more of his money is available.

I just saw your post that his CS is 7 grand a month. Ouch, ouch, ouch.

Keep in mind that most states will not lower CS because he chose to have a new child.

His only hope is to try and have CS modified due to his lower income, but this is not guaranteed. Also, did he agree to pay for college on top of CS?

Honestly, you are not going to come out of this well. I hate to say it.

UGH, that is hard to hear. I

UGH, that is hard to hear. I have read that CS can be amended with a new child in the mix, that's why I was asking. I'm not sure of the college on top- in NYS support is through to 21. One would assume those funds would go toward college if the kids weren't in the house, although that might not be the case as the funds spent so far have not been on their activities or education.

Thanks for your thoughts

Same here in my state. Court

Same here in my state. Court does not care how many additional or subsequent children with one or more mothers, the father decides to have. He brings them into the family knowing his previous financial obligations. Remember the guy with 6 kids, two with first relationship and the others sprinkled through the years? Stinks for all the second, third, fourth marriages/relationships. Court order for original children's support holds.

For instance, I have a CO with my exDH. He subsequently remarried and had twins. The addition of more children does not affect my CO for my kidlet's child support.

Good luck and wishing you a smooth pregnancy.

Florida does count new

Florida does count new children at modification time for increases only. New children will never ever make child support go down in Florida but judges do see fathers working overtime and second jobs to support new children and that new income doesn't necessarily go to original BM

I believe it is different in

I believe it is different in our state. A new child constitutes a "change in cirmcumstance" and can result in a modification in CS. I think your best bet would be for your SO to at least research a modification.

To me, the problem here is not BM, it's your SO. He's making babies he can't afford. If the business is not doing well, perhaps it's time to get an old-fashioned job so that he can meet his responsibilities.

And why did you choose to

:jawdrop: And why did you choose to spawn with this guy? :?

The problem you have is that his first family children will very likely take precidence over your own child even if you take him to court for support.

When it comes to kids and child support the system seems to be one of first come first served.

Good luck.

So your planning on leaving

So your planning on leaving him then if you are trying to work out how child support would be calculated for your unborn child?
The courts wont lower the current amount based on him about to have another child, they will lower it based on his potential and actual earnings. How many people he is supporting with the leftovers is down to his ability to budget.
If you split and you take him to court for child support then you will get a percentage of whats left.

So say BM1 gets 25% of his income for 2 kids, you would potentially get 12% of the 75% left, so only about 6% of his income. Choosing easy numbers for the math, but you get my point. And those figures will be a bit off because generally in the world of child support FIRST-born gets a higher percentage.

They live together now. How

They live together now. How can he be forced to pay CS when he is living in the same home as the child and still in a relationship with the mother??? :? The fact that he is contributing to the household finances means he is helping to support their child.

He would have to be crazy to go to CS court and not tell the judge that they are living together as a family.

Wow, I'm really surprised in

Wow, I'm really surprised in the way this conversation turned overnight. I'm taking someone for money? Why on earth would I do that? All I've spoken about here is a desire to bring positivity and love to a struggling family and asked for some answers and experience with precedent.

It feels quite unfair to come to a board being vulnerable and honest and then being attacked. I wasn't asking for anyone's opinion on my choices or what's already been done, I was looking for support or personal history/precedent. For those that offered it, I sincerely thank you. For those that offered backbite and judgment, I remind you there are people on the other ends of these threads. Whatever our feelings, lets be mindful to offer them with grace.

Thank you for this. I

Thank you for this. I appreciate your sentiment @squidlet.
I think I'll take my issues elsewhere. I am an educated, successful woman, and this was a completely conscious decision and I was hoping for an open, productive conversation.
I was appalled too. I don't deserve to be treated this way by strangers, nor, quite frankly, does anyone.

A shame, since there really were a few quality people and answers on here- as I move into an expanding family it would have been a nice source of support and vice versa.

Good luck all.

You are here

pregs + worried about bio mom/support