Good evening friends! I call you "friends" as I feel already acceptance and connection.
This step-motherhood is not for sissies, and lately I'm feeling very ill-equipped for the job. I married my husband nearly 15 years ago. He he had two boys from his previous marriage w a woman who can only be described as emotionally unstable, manipulative, vindictive, dramatic, and even cruel. Her only way of being in relationships is to exploit them for her own "gain," and she even physically struck my husband with knives twice... Only leaving superficial wounds, but prob because he disengaged. He's extremely averse to conflict (grew up in a home where dad abused mom), and he swore to never repeat.)
Fast forward to July 2014 we finally got custody of the younger son, aged 16 after bio mom had finally admitted defeat. We wanted to give him a chance. (Older son was/is chronically ill, enmeshed terribly w his mother, and will likely never leave her side). So, this son, my SS, had been visiting us each summer, and while we had our adjustment issues (primarily creating appropriate boundaries, reminding him he was the child, and didn't need to "worry" about being responsible for "adult" decisions in our home). But, when in her care, he had failed/was kicked-out of (still don't know the truth of which it is) two private schools, and on his way to making it a third. He had developed a terrible gaming/internet habit that kept him up most nights (self-diagnosed insomnia) and "too tired" for school. He even got into a physical scuffle or two w mom, and one night fired his BB gun bullet into her butt after she "broke into" his room. He got to spend the night in police custody for that, a story which he today recounts with a smirk and laugh at how "stupid and unnecessary" it all was........ From what I could tell, he ruled the roost from a very early age, as I can remember vividly a chat I had w him at age 3-4, making a deal that he'd behave in x manner, earning him a prize (or smthg along those lines), trying to elicit some semblance of responsibility in him, "reminding" him that he was a "man of his word!" I remember also thinking "yeah, right... Not likely" given the indulgent, overly permissive and inconsistent parenting style of his mom.
Anyway, the SS is now 18 and still lives w us. Has made no effort to get his driver's license. He makes very little effort, at all. I'm ever surprised w the shitty quality of life he seems content with. He does get himself to school each day, and is managing decent grades- which I do acknowledge. But, once school's out, he bikes home, closes himself in his room until practically the next morning. Oh, he may come out for dinner, if dad pleads enough, and if the dinner pleases him. Yep... Same power shit he had pulled w mom since toddlerhood. And dad still frets and falls for it.
Other tactics include telling us "how depressed" he is, particularly when confronted about his disrespectful behavior (now mostly towards dad, as I let him know pretty quickly that I wasn't to be treated in such a way) or after "forgetting" again and again his minimal chores, or when we try to encourage him to get-out more, get a job, go for a hike, whatever! But after realizing that I wasn't going to be manipulated by his feigned suicidal ideation (letting him know I was calling the police to keep him safe- instantaneously followed by his backtracking), he burst out crying in shame. Some hope of character? He actually did appear remorseful.
I got sucked right back in. I do love the kid, and want to acknowledge his taking accountability for his errors. I want the best for him. I let him know it too, and also let him know I'm not doing my job as a parent if I let him get away w poor behavior or half-ass effort. He thanks me for this, that is, when he's feeling generous.
But then the crappy attitude starts again, followed by some spurts of decent behavior, then again followed by crap, and then again, and again... Yo-yo city. In the meantime, he and dad decided together that he really didn't have to get a job (after dad and I decided he did!) and began bucking his responsibilities again. But the kicker for me was when, after returning from a week-long work trip, he didn't even come out of his room to say "hello", not until dad convinced him (through the door) that I'd brought home HIS favorite steak that was waiting for him on the BBQ.,
Something clicked in me, and I was officially done. I see his manipulative personality exactly for what it is. I don't like his character, and I have very little respect left for him. I no longer want to play his game.
And, one Saturday at around 2pm when he rolled out of bed, when we had the gall to ask him how he was planning to pay for his $1,200-$1,500 summer plane ticket to visit his (today, highly-esteemed, almost revered.... Vomit) bio mom after his glorious HS graduation, he about threw a tantrum when told it wasn't coming from our credit card... Reminding us that he hadn't seen his angelic mother in nearly two years! As though we've been keeping him from her; her from him! (Apparently he's also forgotten the desperate circumstances that led to his hasty departure). I (alone) am trying to encourage some industry in the able-bodied young man.... Get a job to pay for it, that is, if you want it that bad!
That was just the latest in a long history of grievances he has against me, and is letting me know in every way how supremely pissed he is at me. He withholds all. No "hello." No "bye." No eye-contact. Total cold-shoulder. Forgets only my plate when doing dishes. Breaks my favorite dishes when he does do them. No apologies.
Makes me sick. But I think I could tolerate it better if I weren't feeling so alone, as an outsider in my own home. Dad compounds the suffering by sulking... And I don't think he defends me or presents a united front when SS corners him.. I think he acts impotent in the decisions that "I" make. Like somehow they both have to put up with it. When IT is just a person trying to protect her own heart.
I'm at a point of wanting out.