I got the pleasure of experiencing back talk from my 5 year old step daughter today phrased in ways I know she has heard elsewhere. After asking her to brush her teeth and getting back talk about how gross the toothpaste is because it's not what mom buys but what we have had in our household for over 7 months. After a minor fit she did what she was told. Afterward I discussed her fit with her, asking if the complaining was worth it and if it really was that bad. She responded by sulking upstairs and complaining within further to her 7 year old sister within earshot saying "I'm tired of you". The older sister came right down and informed me what she said (she is much more respectful and knows treating others disrespectfully or mean is wrong...almost too well as she constantly says sorry and is very sensitive to discussing issues that may or may not be her "fault"). I refused to respond to the 5 year old comment initially even though I knew it was her mothers or grandmas words coming out of her mouth. I reminded the 7 year old about tattling finished up pre bedtime routine sang, sang the, bedtime songs and kissed them goodnight, adding to the 5 year old "please remember that your words can hurt others and make them feel bad." There was genuine remorse in her good nights and I love yous. But this phase is now the norm.

She treats our house like a punishment. Bing picked up from her moms (which is also her grandmas because she runs a daycare out of her house for young toddlers and is there when she is not with us or at preschool). This is where much of the difficulties stem...grandmas lets the kids do whatever they want there is no structure just as long as they don't go outside when not allowed or hurt each other. They are surrounded by toddlers when in their other home. The7 year old has more understanding about feelings and when I speak to the, about not throwing fits when I pick them up or ask them to do something I expect it done she know I mean what I say and disrespect is not tolerated and others feelings are considered. The5 year old acts like I beat her and put her in a closet when she is at our house (mine her fathers and these 2 children). What's more I hate the way grandma and mom word choice for the transition "mad and I agreed to share you and it's dads time with you now. You will be back tomorrow. Don't worry you'll be home in the morning. It's just for 2 days and toucan be with mommy." It is reinforced that our home is just something they have to put up with until they return to grandmas and see mom for few hours in the evening before bed.

Also through the chcildten we have heard of threats from mom and grandma that they are going to come up with a schedule for the kids (we currently have the kids 50/50) that excludes me. So only their dad mom and grandma will be with them. And I will no long pick them up or make them dinner or put them to bed she dad is working late.

My partners remedy to this is to be the bigger person, let it all go, have lots of fun with them, don't talk about anything concerning mom and grandma, so that they look bad for badmouthing us and then the kids would want to come to our house because we're the fun parents. I don't see that as fixing anything. I understand that they will always choose their mother over us, but this is out of control. Asking a child to take responsibility for their actions and not hit in anger or yell in your sisters face or to eat your dinner even if you don't like it or to keep your fingers put of your mouth (5 year old is still a chronic thumbsucker since grandmas says its natural and no support to change the habit has been given in her other house...which is a whole huge argument.) these things I feel are completely valid and necessary when raising kids to be respectful and well behaved and should not be sacrificed to become the "fun" parents. I'm your adult not your friend and "I wear many hats. Sometimes I have a fun hat or sometimes a strict hat or cooks hat etc" is what I've said to the kids.

I just don't know how to handle this situation with a mother and grandmother that have such a large vast grip that it encompasses how we run OUR home, since that's the reason for divorce in the first place right? Separate households?

Sorry for the length. Please give me your feedback if there is any. I'd love to have another's voice I my ear.