Intro and a few questions
Hi! New here! Sorry if this is in the wrong spot. Feel free to delete/move if so.
I'm 30 years old and childless. My SO has two kids from a previous marriage. Both are boys, ages 11 and 7. I have known the BM and my SO since high school, but never really knew the BM that well until I started dating my SO. SO and I have been dating for almost three years, and I have been around the bos for two since BM wouldn't let me see them for the first year.
BM is a complete sociopath and, in my opinion, not a very good mother. We pick them up from school everyday and they stay at my SO's house until BM picks them up. She has them the rest of the time and every other weekend. Unfortunately, she spends most of those weekends either doing homework, having a sitter watch them, or dragging them around to her and her boyfriend's affairs since her boyfriend no longer has a license. More than often they come over smelling like B.O. and we found out that she only makes them shower twice a week. Neither boy knows how to tie his shoes, and she's never even taken them to the dentist. SO took SS7 to the dentist this year finally. SS11 still never has been. Neither of them will make their own breakfast, even cereal. They want SO to do it. They seem really scared to pour the milk. BM resents SS11 because of the circumstances of his birth (unwanted c-section) and because he is autistic. The younger one she dotes on and treats like a baby, and in return he acts like a baby around her. It's pretty frustrating. SO doesn't like it, but he doesn't get on her case about it either. He doesn't think anything he says to her will make a difference. They were together ten years, and during that time she manipulated and emotionally abused him up to the point where he had practically no self-esteem and was suicidal.
Thankfully, I have a good relationship with both of the skids. They listen to me pretty well, just about as well as their mother, and enjoy being with me. We do a lot of things together, and I go to all of the family parties with the boys. SO's family really like me and treats me as if I am the skids' surrogate mother, which can be kind of awkward sometimes. But I am grateful that, for the most part, there is less drama than their could be, especially since BM is pretty crazy.
A few questions though, since I am kinda new to this stepmom thing compared to a lot of you.
1) How do you guys feel about keeping clothes separate? BM has half the clothes at her house and always demands that we return the boys' friday clothes when they spend the weekend with us. I try to make sure to launder their clothes sometime during the weekend so they can change back into them on Sunday before they go to BM's house, but I feel like it's kind of ridiculous. I've talked to my mom about it (who has no experience with these kinds of situations) and she thinks that BM is in the right.
2) Something that has always bothered me about SS11 is that he goes into his dad's room when he is upset about something or wants privacy. It makes sense since his dad's room is right off the living room, but it really bugs me since he has his own room upstairs that would be better to go to to get away from whatever is bothering him. I've talked to SO about it and he doesn't really seem to care. In fact, he leaves the door to his bedroom open.
That's all I can think of for now. Thank you for your input, and I look forward to being here!
If you are going to make a
If you are going to make a life as equity partners with this man then it is time for you two to get on the same page.
These boys need their dad and you to model effective adult examples, a healthy adult relationship, and quality behavior and performance since their toxic BM appears incapable of these things.
As for the clothes. Keep decent clothing in your home for them to wear when they arrive. Send them home bathed and in the clothes they came in at the end of each stint in your home. No need to wash the stanky crap that BM puts them in but you should also not tolerate stanky kids walking in your door. Take pics of their grunge and put it in the files for future use in court. Bare BM's ass and if your DH will step up he can use her neglectful if not abusive parenting to nail her ass for custody and a pile of CS. I would were I your DH.
They are with you enough that you and their dad can have notable positive impact on their lives and have an opportunity to counter the toxic influence of their idiot mother.
Regarding access to Dad's bedroom.... are you living there. Is it your room too? If so, you invoke the rule that there are no spawn in YOUR bedroom without prior approval from you. This is not a difficult thing to fix. If necessary.... LOCKS!!!!! End of issue.
All IMHO of course.
My partner has a drawer in
My partner has a drawer in his house which is called the mammy drawer. As soon as kids arrive then clothes are put into the mammy drawer and come out of said drawer when time to go back to mammy house.
Do not launder these clothes in between - they are clothes for mammy house. If they wear clothes that come from ur house to hers ensure that they also come back.
If the room is also yours lock the door. That is your area too. Simple as.
Next stop talking to your mom. She will not get it at all, esp with no experience. Why do you think we all come on here to not feel crazy?
all the other stuff - what mom does on weekend off what mom does with them on her weekend how many times they bathe document it if needed for court take a deep breath and let it go you can't control it so don't let it bog you down
Thy come in smelly okay shower as soon as you get home, just manage it as it comes don't fret about it
Finally encourage your partner to see someone to help him rebuild his self esteem and to help him step up as a parent. What he went thru his awful but his kids still need him
Thanks for all the tips! It
Thanks for all the tips! It seems there is some confusion on some topics, so here is some clarification.
1) I don't live with him legally, but I've basically moved in with him since my parents' house got infested with bed bugs and my mom refuses to call an exterminator to get rid of them. I started breaking out from all the bites, so I wound up moving in with my boyfriend to alleviate that. I work nights and he days. Since I'm essentially living with him, I've begun helping out around the house, and laundry is my chosen vocation. I also tidy up. In exchange, he does most of the cooking, takes care of my car, and does dishes. It works out pretty well. I usually just wash the boys' clothes from their mom's house sometime during the weekend. I don't mind it, I just think it's silly that there has to be a distinction between where the clothes go at all. I can understand wanting specific clothes at specific houses, especially making sure they have enough Sunday clothes at their mom's and their dad's (even though she hardly ever takes them to church), but in general I find it pretty ridiculous. I usually try to abide by her rule, but I don't follow it to a T, and so far it hasn't really been a problem.
2) A famous quote about autism is, "If you know a kid with autism, you know one kid with autism." There are several different layers to the spectrum, and no two kids with autism are alike. SS11 is very high functioning, with the ability to read, write, and speak. He goes to a special school for kids with autism. During a majority of his life, his mother and father lived together but acted separately. That it to say, she would take the kids and leave SO for the day, or she would go out partying and leave him alone with the kids. So he is used to his parents not being with each other. Same goes for SS7. Thus the transition was pretty easy. SO and BM sat down and explained the situation to both boys before SO moved out. SS11 also knew me previously before SO and I were in a relationship, which also made it easier. SO retained the house, and we have a pretty standard lifestyle. We are both very practical people, and he knows exactly what to expect when he is with us. His mother, on the other hand, is very inconsistent and not always very considerate of his needs, which is why I think he likes being with us more. I mentioned his autism because this is an intro post and I thought it would be good for people to understand my situation better. Being in a divorced situation is a bit trickier with a kid with autism, and I though it might explain his behavior better in future posts, instead of people wondering why he acts the way he does.
3) As far as baths go, we usually try to remind the kids to take showers/baths at their mom's when we notice they are stinky. I've actually had SS11 take a shower at my SO's house before while waiting for his mother after school because he had a doctor's appointment that day and just reeked of BO. I can't imagine how it is for his poor teachers and aides at school...
SO has tried talking to BM about getting the kids more baths, but she hasn't followed through with the idea. It's ridiculous because both boys shower independently, and they just need a little coaxing to make sure they are on task, especially SS11. BM also uses a three-in-one, which makes it even easier. They are really good about taking showers when we ask them to, so I don't get her issue at all.